He said F word at me for the first time.

2538 Views 10 Replies 7 Participants Last post by ShawnD, Oct 29, 2012

lulahigley

Discussion Starter · Oct 13, 2012

We went camping and it became stressful. We both had too much to drink and I insisted I was going to sleep in the car away from him. But he got mad and said F U at me and was yelling unlike anything I have ever seen before. It was unreal. THEN he accused me of cheating. Where on earth does he get that idea? THEN he treatened to leave me. He said he was going to get in the car and just drive off and never come back. I am so hurt and crushed and tore into a million pieces. I am so sad and mad at the same time. I can't believe it escallated into that. And our daughter heard it all. THe next morning, he said sorry but it was so short and quick that I still don't feel resolved. That's not going to resolve it just like that.

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TrueLovely

· #2 · Oct 14, 2012

He may have taken you saying that you wanted to sleep in the car away from him as a rejection. When I was in my marriage, I usually only slept seperate from my husband, under extreme upset. The alcohol, probably played a huge part in the intensity of his reaction .Could it be maybe you both have a hard time expressing, hurt and anger towards each other? So it comes out with, you not wanting to sleep with him, and him yelling at you? Im sorry your daughter witnessed that kind of anger. Maybe you can explain, daddy has a right to be upset, just that the words he used were wrong, to teach her, that you can get angry, without harming someone.

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lulahigley

Discussion Starter · #3 · Oct 16, 2012

Re: He said F word at me for the first time. UPDATE

Update. I just wanted to let other women know what I discovered. I had nit picked at him the whole weekend, never giving him praise at all. Men need to be appreicated just like women need affection and compliments. So he was internalizing all my negativity and that was the last straw. I had pushed him to the breaking point. I am not justifying his behavior at all, and had he not had too much to drink, he probably wouldn't have said those things. But it makes sense, when a man's ego is hurt, he grasps at anything to try to build it up again even if it means tearing down the one you love. So we had a long talk and he has been cheated on in his past by exgirlfriends so that's where that came from. He truely regrets saying those things to me but he doesn't like talking about it because it makes him feel worse. He let me vent though I tried not to carry on too much. Words hurt and I think as wives we can be too critical sometimes and we don't see how a man feels or what a man needs. We forget just how different we are.

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mrstj4sho88

· #4 · Oct 16, 2012

lulahigley said:
We went camping and it became stressful. We both had too much to drink and I insisted I was going to sleep in the car away from him. But he got mad and said F U at me and was yelling unlike anything I have ever seen before. It was unreal. THEN he accused me of cheating. Where on earth does he get that idea? THEN he treatened to leave me. He said he was going to get in the car and just drive off and never come back. I am so hurt and crushed and tore into a million pieces. I am so sad and mad at the same time. I can't believe it escallated into that. And our daughter heard it all. THe next morning, he said sorry but it was so short and quick that I still don't feel resolved. That's not going to resolve it just like that.

Yall don't need to get drunk again. Looks like H drinking brings out the other side of him.

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KnK

· #5 · Oct 16, 2012

^ agreed , drinking is probably not the best thing to do if this can be the result.

On another note I do not believe yelling F U and threatening to leave can be justified with nit picking.

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mrstj4sho88

· #6 · Oct 16, 2012 (Edited)

When people get upset , they tell you what they are really thinking . You need to keep this in mind. It is a red flag for you. Also you two never need to get drunk again. The kids should never see moma and daddy fighting and cursing each other out.

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mrstj4sho88

· #7 · Oct 16, 2012

KnK said:
^ agreed , drinking is probably not the best thing to do if this can be the result.

On another note I do not believe yelling F U and threatening to leave can be justified with nit picking.

:iagree:

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lulahigley

Discussion Starter · #8 · Oct 17, 2012

Okay, what you said about him speaking what's really on his mind when he's drunk has me really scared. That it's a red flag. What do I do? When we talked I said that I have always encouraged him to let me know if he's happy or not and what we can work on. I am always scared that he is secretly unhappy and bottling things up inside and letting it build up. He said no, that he just tries to letting the little things go and not make a big deal about little stuff. WHAT NOW? Now I am paranoid. And what about my behavior not justifying his? I thought I was cutting him down all weekend, being critical of the way he was doing things. Complaing about everything. He was fine when he went to bed but I got up and asked for the keys to the car because the smell of campfire smoke was keeping me awake. He told me he was going to shower before bed, but he didn't. How can I find out what's really going on. I think he just wants to forget about it but I can't let it go. The guilt and the not knowing is driving me insane. He didn't really seem to make much of an effort to apologize either. I went out of my way to make it up to him. I'm a wreck.

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costa200

· #9 · Oct 18, 2012

Ah yes... I knew there was a good reason i don't drink enough to get wasted...

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Starstarfish

· #10 · Oct 22, 2012

I think trying to excuse his behavior after the fact as you "ruining his ego" and "tearing him down" is a dangerous path to tread. Blaming yourself and convincing yourself that his drunk behavior is all your fault won't ultimately help.

The real problem here was the drinking. You both were drinking heavily, and obviously, this is not something that works out for you as a couple. I think the thing to learn here is about controlling your booze intake, not about how women shouldn't hurt their men's feelings.

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ShawnD

· #11 · Oct 29, 2012

In vino veritas - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In vino veritas is a Latin phrase that translates, “in wine [there is the] truth". It is also known as a Greek phrase “Ἐν οἴνῳ ἀλήθεια” En oino álétheia, which has the same meaning. The author of the Latin phrase is Pliny the Elder;[1] the Greek phrase is attributed to the Greek poet Alcaeus. A more proper form of the phrase is "In vino veritas est". The word est is, however, often omitted.
The Greek poet Alcaeus is the oldest known source for the phrase. The Roman historian Tacitus described how the Germanic peoples always drank wine while holding councils, as they believed nobody could lie effectively when drunk.
The phrase is often continued as, "In vino veritas, in aqua sanitas", i.e., "In wine there is truth, in water there is health."
Similar phrases exist across cultures and languages. In Chinese, there is the saying, "酒後吐真言" ("After wine blurts truthful speech"). The Babylonian Talmud (תלמוד בבלי) contains the passage: "נכנס יין יצא סוד", i.e., "In came wine, out went the essence."[2]
It continues, "בשלשה דברים אדם ניכר בכוסו ובכיסו ובכעסו", i.e., "In three things is a man revealed: in his wine goblet, in his purse, and in his wrath."[3] (In the original Hebrew, the words for "his goblet", "his purse", and "his wrath" rhyme and are a play on words all using the root "כס".)
In the 1770s, Benjamin Cooke wrote a glee by the title of In Vino Veritas. His lyrics [with modern punctuation, etc.] are as follows:
Round, round with the glass, boys, as fast as you can,
Since he who don't drink cannot be a true man.
For if truth is in wine, then 'tis all but a whim
To think a man's true when the wine's not in him.
Drink, drink, then, and hold it a maxim divine
That there's virtue in truth, and there's truth in good wine![4]

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