[squiggle10]

I've "caught" my husband meeting up with men online for 'mutual pleasure' either by cam and now by actually meeting them and 'enjoying' each other. He's been doing this for a while, I've confronted him twice. This is the third time I've caught him, but unlike previous occasions I haven't yet confronted him.

I am very open to any kind of sexual fun, we have been to what we call 'naughty parties' and I don't have a problem with anyone's apparently odd proclivities; live and let live, I say. But just as long as no one gets hurt, and clearly I am hurting.

This time I've set up a 'sting' to catch him: he is clueless as to how the computer and his iphone work and how easy it is for me to check. Of course, I am suspicious of his every move, watching all his moves, and I hate being like this. I can access his private hotmail account and I also pay the bills so I know the numbers he's texted and can match them to the men he's meeting. I have set up an account on one of the local bisexual sites that he frequents, with all the things he 'enjoys' in his men; within one day he had sent me a 'wink' to say he liked this pretend me.

He thinks I don't know, and takes the trouble to delete the messages off his phone but, of course, I can get the details whenever I want. I know this morning he was off to meet one of his buddies because I know the physical signs (don't ask) and he was keen to get me out of the house for a while so he could meet him. I love him, and he loves me, but I don't think I can live with this sneaking around and the mislaid trust it brings.

The first time his dalliances were an issue was with women: I guess now he's enjoying the mutual masturbation with no strings that he can get with me. Our sex life has plummeted to nothing, I don't want to have sex with him now and he never makes a move on me any more.

Do I confront him again, hope that we can agree on a solution, or just accept that my requirements re trust are more important and make plans to leave?

 

[Gaia]

Have you let him now how hurt you are by his sneaking around and behavior? Have you two really discussed this? Were there any boundaries set up at any point in time?

 

[squiggle10]

Yes, we have discussed this openly before. I explained that this is hurtful, not the doing of it (so to speak) but the sneaking around. The last time which was only about 2 months ago, he agreed that it wasn't something he would do, and he asked me whether he thought I would be able to trust him again. At that time we both said that it would simply be time passing with no secrecy and sneaking.

When I found out he was sleeping with women I was really distraught; again we discussed it openly. He has never denied his behaviour, but each time has been an excuse: first it was because he was hoping to find some 'naughty parties' for us, then it was because he was concerned about penis size (the usual man issue!), then when he switched to me it was to satisfy his curiosity (but he lied about his experiences with the men), then it was because he was bored...

I can't imagine what his excuse will be this time! It's the lying and the trust breaking that is what hurts most.

 

[squiggle10]

Ooops, sorry, I meant '...when he switched to men...' not '..to me...'!

 

[Gaia]

It doesn't sound like he's being very respectful toward you.. and it seems as if, don't take this the wrong way, your enabling his behavior by allowing him to think it's ok to push and push and push. After all.. why should he feel too remorseful if you so willingly forgive and forget? Thats just what it's seeming like to me.. from your posts. He seems to really be taking advantage of you.. and your letting him.

 

[SunnyT]

If he did this openly, would it then be ok? Would it be within the realm of your marriage?

 

[squiggle10]

Maybe you're right. I anticipate he will be remorseful yet again, but he will probably continue this behaviour. And it doesn't sit well with me, clearly, so perhaps it's time to stop giving him more chances.

 

[squiggle10]

Yes, possibly. It's the trust that is my real issue. Having said that, I am getting a check for STDs at the doctor tomorrow!

 

[PBear]

Maybe you're right. I anticipate he will be remorseful yet again, but he will probably continue this behaviour. And it doesn't sit well with me, clearly, so perhaps it's time to stop giving him more chances.

No offense, but gee, you think so? He's continuing his behavior because there's no consequences to it. If you want it to stop, it's time to lay down some boundaries and make darn sure you enforce them. Otherwise he will continue to lose respect for you.

C
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[EleGirl]

While he's meeting for mutal masterbation, you have no idea what they are really doing.

His behavior is very high risk. Have you been getting tested for STD's?

What are you going to do when he shows up to meet your fake character?

Are you prepared to file for divorce. He's not going to change for you. He will just go more under ground. He has not changed yet.. he just changes his mo.

My bet is that he likes the excitement of this type of meetup. This is something that you cannot give him. It's all legit with you.

The next level is to go to a meetup type that is harder to trace ... like bathrooms.

 

[squiggle10]

Well, I guess it's time to quit! I am getting tested for STDs tomorrow. You're right - I've been too forgiving... time to forget now. I guess the issue now is how to extricate myself financially from 'us' and set up a new life. I spent a long time looking for someone I could share my life with after nearly 30 years of being single; I wasn't going to settle for just anyone, wanted to find someone who would 'make my socks roll up and down' and with whom I had lots in common. I forgot to also look for someone trustworthy :~)

 

[EleGirl]

I guess the issue now is how to extricate myself financially from 'us' and set up a new life.

See an attorney ASAP to find out your rights and plan forward.
Open up bank accounts in your name only. Move everything you can over to them that he will not notice. Us an address for these accounts other than your home address.

On the day he will be served divorce papers, move half of everything from joint accounts into your new accounts. You will have to keep good records in case he tries to challenge you for doing this in court.

Perhaps have him served with the divorce papers when he shows up for the mutual hand job with your fake character? It would definitely be one of those times when nothing further needed to be said. Just a thought.

 

[squiggle10]

Mmmm, well we don't really have much so that's not an issue! I live in Australia so we don't have the 'serve you' kind of thing here. I have my own accounts now, but the issue will be division of property. While I don't anticipate he will become nasty, I have clearly been taken by surprise on this issue so anything is possible!

Although I'm not a vicious person by nature I do feel like I will go ahead with catching him out with his new 'friend' (i.e. me). It will give me a little satisfaction after going through this nonsense, to see his face collapse in shock.

Thanks.

 

[Chelle D]

I wouldn't even confront him again. I'd walk out that door... hell, no, I 'd RUN out that door & never go back.

Definitely get tested for STD, aids, & HIV. NOT something to mess around with. My guess is maybe the first couple times he met to "mutually masturbate" that's maybe what happened. But I would almost bet that it has progressed from there. There's no way he is gonna stop now.

Ditch him like the skanky ***** he is.

 

[Dollystanford]

say what??

you're very calm for someone whose husband is cheating on you with men AND women!!

 

[squiggle10]

The first time I discovered his extracurricular activities I most certainly wasn't calm! But I did some online chatting about it, and some searches on the issue, got my mind straight, and then confronted him. I thought we were through that patch, but then came (so to speak!) the activities with men.... the first time, again, I took stock, searched for info and then confronted him. His answer seemed rational then and we were seeing a therapist at the time and I could discuss it there safely; I haven't ever done my block, got steaming or nasty, I've always been straight about it with him - doesn't seem much point in going crazy, and the advice I got was unanimously DO NOT GO NUTS because then you say things you don't mean, and you also put him on the defensive. It's the same as going to war - the best way to sort out the issues is to negotiate, talk, consider the options and try to avoid going into battle. But sometimes you need to stop talking - just like they need to do in Syria now, no more chances - and strike!

 

[Dollystanford]

I think what you need here is 'shock and awe'

quite frankly

 

[squiggle10]

LOL yes, shock and awe is right!

(thanks, you made me smile for the first time all day)

 

[EleGirl]

Be very careful when you meet him as your fake character. Don't do it in private... like in a hotel room. Violence could errupt. Yes even if you have never seen him get violent. The shock might get him to go over the top.

Do it someplace like in a hotel lobby, just come with copies of all the emails you exchanged with him as the fake person. Let him know that you were the fake person.

Since you don't serve divorce papers there. Have him meet your character in a hotel room. Just leave the divorce papers on the bed for him with a note from you.

He will probably go on about how he knew it was you because of the language you used. So he went through with this nonsense to see how far you would take it. Or thought it was just your cute plan to spice up your sex life. I can hear it already.

 

[moxy]

Sneaking around and lying to get sex from someone that isn't you in a way that hurts you after he has agreed not to do so = cheating.

I doubt that mutual masturbation is the extent of his sexual behavior. He's not getting it from you so he's getting all he needs elsewhere.

What about your emotional and sexual needs? Are you okay with his neglect and disregard of them? Can you live like this forever? If not, then do something about it.

You should get tested for STDs. You should also figure out whether or not this behavior is acceptable to you. You say that he was cheating before and you forgave him and gave him a second chance. It seems that he has lied to you and broken his promise again. Do you want to give him a third chance? Do you really think he will follow through on any promises he makes to give up the behavior?

If you're okay with his multiple casual partners, then ask him to stop sneaking around and tell you about it and set up some ground rules, just so you can both be safe emotionally and physically. If you're not okay with it, then I think you should go through with your sting operation that you've set up here and at that point, tell him it's over because you don't want to give him a third chance and that he's got to find someplace else to live now so that he can play the field without lying to anybody.