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Discussion Starter #1
I found out about H's 3 year EA/PA 3 years ago, and it's been very tough. After I insisted he give me his passwords for his email account (he had deleted everything) I arranged to have the prior 3 months undeleted. Wish I hadn't. I read about his and OW's honeymoon plans (Sandals), and his love poems for her. Worst of all I read his lies to her! He told her he was having major medical procedures that he never had. He told her he had arranged to put aside money for her and her sons (lies). He told her that he told our son that he was leaving me and our son was ok with it (lie).
Can this be the fog? Is this 'normal' for infidelity??
We have done tons of MC and Christian MC as well.
He has anxiety issues, the counselors say this triggers a lot of his lying.
Of course he lied to me for the 3 years, but should I be freaked out that he lied to HER as well? Or is that just par for the course for cheating?
It's been 3 years and I still am very troubled. We separated recently but I miss being with my kids full time so badly. He wants to R very much. I'm not sure.
 

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You may say you wish you hadn't... but in the end, the truth is better.

An affair is always about fantasy. Yes, lying to her would be normal too. It is part of getting her to cave in, filling in her fantasy of him running away with her.
 

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Lying makes it feel less real, less transgressive. If he's not telling the whole truth, it feels less like reality and alleviates the guilt. Not unusual that he lied to you both. It takes a lot of deceit to carry on two relationships for three years when the people involved are not consensually polyamorous.

How did you manage to un-delete the emails!? At least you now know the truth, though it is ugly truth.
 

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You say you wish you had never found out what he had written. But what would be the situation had you not found out? Would you have come down so hard on him? Would he have awoken from his 'fog' so greatly? Would you be where you are now with him, his efforts to R if not?

It is up to you if you can let this go or not. But without those hurtful 'truths' you would not be where you (both) are now, and more importantly, he would not be where he is now. He is having to face up to ALL of it (at least the all of it that transpired from what he wrote).
 

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BTW is it 3 years since u discovered all this? Or is it just recently?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
To this day I have no idea how I did it, I remember emailing some link on his page. I was shocked that when I checked back weeks later these emails appeared. But not as shocked as he was.
I must say it makes me feel better that you all say lies are part of an affair. A few therapists have told me that his lies prove that he has a severe personality disorder and is very sick and toxic. He has had some issues with lying about money in the past, not big things though.
Yes it was an ugly truth.
 

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It's been 3 years since I discovered all this. And every smaller lie he's told since was a severe trigger for me. He got so verbally abusive this year, we just got in a bad place. I could not let it go, I'll admit it. His verbal abuse consisted of him saying constantly that I would be happy when he's dead. He had a bad heart attack during the affair. 6 months before it all came to light. He wanted my complete support and sympathy after his heart attack. And a little voice in my head kept saying (IF he hadn't been living a fricking double life he would not have had a heart attack perhaps).
It's all such a mess, and saddest of all are that 2 kids are involved.
 

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He built up that fantasy, he was another person, someone he'd like. Scapism, from himself.
 
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