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It's been nearly 3 weeks now since he walked out of our nine and 1/2 year relationship to move in with the OW.

He'd known her, and had been carrying on with her, for 2 months. The week, I began to suspect, I did what many of us do - looked through the emails, phone calls, bank accounts. I went crazy. I cried, screamed, blamed him, myself, begged him to stay, went to counseling - During counseling, he was asked to not see her. He did anyway. It was the worst 4 days of my life. I even nearly thought of taking my life, especially when he told me "he hated me for keeping me from her".

I then went through the "stages of death". Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

The acceptance came when I finally went up to him on the couch, where he'd chosen to sleep (he didn't want to betray her, ha!) "okay, go and live with her".

He is 50 years old. A musician. I call him the pied piper. The warning signs had been there for years. He came from a European Spanish family. He'd lived with his mother until he was 40 years old, before he'd moved in with me. He'd never made a bed, paid a bill, did his laundry, learned how to work through simple argument in a relationship -

His siblings told me his mother spoiled him, let him get away with everything. He was called "the Prince". My father, a psychologist, said he is a classic narcissist. And he is. He's never wrong, nothing is ever his fault, "you made him do it".

I'd caught him once before, 2 years previously. He'd said it never got sexual. It was w a previous girlfriend, who was still obsessed with him. He told me he was "only using her for favors". But this one was different. He's in love. She's 52.

I'm 47. I lived in Italy for years before I returned to NY, for HIM; I also fell for the pied piper syndrome. He's a flamenco singer - very seductive. I was a very successful journalist, and had always lived well. But when I moved him out of his mother's house, it was up to me to build a life for us. Entirely. Every stick of furniture, amenities, etc. in 2008, I'd had it - taking jobs beneath me just to support us, and told him it was his turn.

We barely made it. But he somewhat rose to the occasion, just enough to survive, while i went back to writing.

His other weakness was his habitual drug habit and tendency to stay out later than he promised.

Now, what is wrong with me, you might ask, that I would put up with someone like this so obviously emotionally crippled?

Firstly, there is my mental diagnosis struggle of bipolar disorder. But I'd been working on it, actively, for 12 years. Cognitive therapy, 3 times a week, as well as supportive psych meds. But his behavior consistently exacerbated it, and I felt I was struggling against a rip tide.

We are both artists, passionate, and the sexual addiction to each other didn't help matters.

But my anger, in the last six months, kept bubbling to the surface, and made remarks I hated myself for. He left me with a dirty house after working all day, or stay out all night, verbal bile would spew out - I hated him, didn't love him, didn't want to live with him, I'd say - while alternatively beg for counseling, for rehab.

In the counseling session, the counselor asked if he was aware of my diagnosis. He said he was, but never believed it. The counselor asked if he'd ever bothered to educate himself on it. After all, I'd educated myself on addiction. He'd said no.

The day he moved out, he asked why I wanted him now. I'd said I didn't love him anymore previously. So, he found someone who did value him. He had every right to find someone. I had no idea - he'd do so by spending two months lying to me, sleeping with me, her, making plans with her, introducing her to some our mutual friends, and then, simply walk out of my life, and into a new one.

I am now left destitute. Moreover, this man, who I basically "raised" from a 40 year old, has now moved into a much better apartment, in the city (we lived in the burbs), nicer furniture, with a woman who does EVERYTHING for him.

I compare myself to her. I made the mistake of finding everything I could about her. She created an online shop for him, a facebook page to sell his music, does yoga, ex-marathon runner, vegan (yet smokes, and does occasional cocaine), markets two companies, owns two apartments, decorated zen like.

I was a slob. Because I was depressed, I never cleaned (I never had a partner who helped, either).

He's someone who is EXTREMELY insecure, and equates love with what one can do FOR him. And presently, she's doing everything.

He's suddenly gone from eating McDonald's and Chicken Fingers to being a vegan and drug free. I hate to say it, but it's one of the first times I didn't wish for the best in a partner. I pray that he fails and goes back to his old ways - and makes her as miserable as he made me.

I can barely get him to keep up his financial end of the bargain to at least pay the rent for another month. There is no guilt, no sense of obligation.

I feel guilty for the things I said. I told him I'd said those things out of desperation, out of disappointment. But I'm dealing with an extremely immature, self-centered man.

I understand she has a 13 year old son. It's going to be interesting to see how long THAT works out.

My heart is breaking. He's cold as ice. I miss him. I hate him. I hate her. I'm furious with myself that I suffered for over nine years raising a peter pan only to raise him enough to be ready to be man enough for his new relationship. It's not fair. It's not fair to be left picking up the pieces - while he simply skips merrily along into a new life - all set up for him.

I wonder, what are the chances of success of this next relationship with her?

And how long will it take me to get over the agonizing pain? His things are still here, and he owes me money. What do I do?

My only prayer, is that karma gets everyone. I know. Because it's happened to me. What sucks, is the waiting.
 

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He did you a favor. You lost nothing but a good **** and some decent momentum. This outcome is a predictable outcome for your poor choices.

Remember the fun parts. Pick yourself up and move on. This is hardly tragic. You got off easy even if it hurts. Get your **** together. You have a lot to offer one you get your momentum going again. Im a builder. Every building requires a strong foundation.

AKA What the hell did you expect froma 40 year old living with his mom?
 

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Well you are going through hell, that's clear.


Karma will hit them both rigth between the eyes. She's doing everything for him right now? If she keeps that up, it won't be long before she's in the same place emotionally as you have been. He will suck everything out of her if she lets him. That's what narcissists do. They view of world as existing to serve them, for them to use.

You say she built him a web site to sell his music. Well having a web site does not mean that anyone will come to it and buy from it. He was to work his arse off in social media, etc to draw traffic to this site. Now he may pull it off. Or she might do this for a while. But at some point, it's going to be left up to him. He's not likely to get much off that site.

Only about 3% of affairs last very long. The reason is that they are not based on reality. Once real life hits the fairytale evaporates and they are left looking at each other's skanky arses in the light of day. And it's not pretty. Not by a long shot.

Some day you will look back and thank your lucky stars that she took him away from you. Since she did this with a man in a committed relationship (Were you married?) she deserves to be hit by the Karma bus.

You are stronger than you think right now. What you need to do is to focus on yourself. From here on out interact with him according to the 180 (see link below).

This about you. What do you want to do with the rest of your life? How are you going to move on now and get the best revenge there is... living well, very well?
 

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Take all that energy you used to give to him and now give it to yourself. You probably fell for a good story, the potential of how it could be, given your confidence in yourself to make things happen, overcome odds, to nurture someone who is an artist in order to see that bloom, be a part of it, be close to it, partnered with it. You have that in yourself too, just give it the chance you gave to him...treat yourself like the princess that you are, and I mean princess in a good way, courageous, loyal, deserving, strong...

So you indulged yourself in a dream, went for what was attractive to you. Really pursued, what made you tick and what you were truly attracted to. I don't see the harm or folly in that. You came out of it and after you move on you'll laugh at your younger self.
 

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Take all his stuff and sell it, he owes you money. Go get a spa/massage treatment, a new set of clothes, and go out to a decent bar and have someone buy you a drink.

Then consult with an attorney about the length of time you were together, and if that time was long enough to constitute common law marriage. Your debts may be joint debts under the law.

Paint a wall at your place a color he hated and you liked.

Then see if you feel like redecorating further.

Go see your primary care physician or psychiatrist to see if you can add something for the next 3-6 months to help with depression and low energy. Zoloft + Wellbutrin is a nice combo for that, it happens to be good for self esteem and decision making too.

Leave some crappy reviews about his music on his website, and if you still have friends in journalism... who knows.. maybe they wont "like" his music either :)

Its already been said here. This is a blessing wrapped in some crappy wrapping paper. You deserve better than some paul gasol wannabe mommas boy, and now you have a chance at getting it/him/her.

Takes some time, but you will be ok.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I am so glad I found this site, and posted to it. I appreciate your thoughtful replies.

Unfortunately, New York doesn;t recognize common law. A lot of his stuff is still here, and like everything, almost none of it worth anything. He promised to pay the rent through March 30th, but even that promise he's only coming half through on, giving me constant anxiety. I'm still paying the cell.

I do plan to sue him in small claims, for breaking the lease, emotional distress (the financial toll on my company is direct trajectory of the dates of his leaving) and was told to sue her for "tortious interference in a contract". The difficulty is - I have to go to where THEY live to file. I probably won't win; it's just enought to make a nuisance of myself to just pay me off and get me off their back. I also plan to turn his ass into DSS for lying about his income, unless he signs a legal contract promising to pay full rent til end of March, then tapering off until end of June.

I do have all of his personal belongings still, as I said. He went crazy when he came to take his mic stand and amp, and couldn't find it. He then threatened not to pay anymore rent until I gave it to him. Do I sell what I can while waiting for him to get the rest? And, if she and he are the "loves of each other's lives" as he says they are, why haven't they arranged for a car, or a uhaul to get everything at once?

I do see my psychiatrist, have my group, and individual therapy. I still hate myself, however, for turning our home into a pig sty for the past year (not dirty - but horrible clutter - clothes, disorganization). It was my way of rebelling. The day he was moving out, I begged him not to have her anywhere near the apartment. His response was "are you kidding, do you think I would ever let her see THIS?". I felt two inches tall.

The week he left - I cleaned the apartment, and threw away all clutter. I turned the apartment into a home. My rebellion had to do with the fact that I refused to be turned into a housewife, while he went stayed out after work and partied - and left all the housework to me.

I also still hate myself for the hateful words - for pushing him away. Hateful words that still echo. But my friends tell me if he had been a man, he'd of recognized the desperate calls for help. The extreme powerlessness I felt over his behavior.

When he had the affair, he told the counselor that mere fact that I kept threatening to leave him - meant, "I practically pushed him into the arms of the other woman".

i feel guilty for my moodiness.

I can't get over the guilt. If I had done, said things differently...but then again, when one is with a narcissist, you can NEVER stop paying attention to them. But I go back and forth. I'd said terrible things. Did I push him into her arms?

But, did I deserve the elaborate deception of 2 months? The lying? The pretending he'd been out with the boys when he'd really been with her? Or, all the different brands of condoms I found in his drawers as I emptied them?

In the last months, I never went to see him play. Because I knew, all it took was to see him on stage, and I'd forget everything and fall for the pied piper. Just as she has.

I do wonder how long it will last. With a 13 year old son - I think the life of the relationship may be shortened. Kids don't have the rosy colored glasses the in love mother does. What are the chances of a man who went from his mother - to me, then, while living with me, moved in with her?

Still, I think what also affects me, is that I feel I "raised him" to "flee the nest" - one I never intended, and even resisted, creating. I almost wish she would thank me!

I know I should've NEVER involved myself with a man who'd loved at home until he was 40 - never taking responsibility for anything in the household, or answering to anyone. This is what also made him such a poor partner.

It would really get me if his bew found "veganism" and "clean life style" that he's now adapted sticks. I couldn't get him to stick to it up to the week he left me. He's basically mimicking everything she does.

She also sells, on the side, this pyramid scheme essential oil product. The owner has a nefarious reputation. I could also use those skills to do some venting.

If that relationship lasts, I'll be stunned.

I'm trying to focus on myself. My business has really suffered. The anxiety is overwhelming.

It would help if he felt some kind of suffering, loss, pain - but being wrapped up in someone else, cushions. It sucks. And it's not fair.

I'm frightened of starting again. I'm scared of never having that feeling again. I've that chemistry, passion. It's the main reason that kept me addicted to him.

My eyes are shutting on me - and my thoughts are disjointed now. I;ll stop here,and thanks again for the excellent support!
 

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It will be hard to focus on yourself for a while, but you must. Try to avoid any contact with him. Better yourself and be prepared in case it blows up with OW and he wants to come back. Would you take him back and under what conditions?

The 3% figure quoted above is not accurate. It comes from a single study and focuses on successful men who have had affairs. I say this because I want you to get past the Waiting For Karma stage. There's a much greater than 3% chance they'll be together for a while, maybe the long haul.
 

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If he truly is a narcissist you are better off without him. It is not treatable to medication or therapy. I have bipolar disorder and I can tolerate zero drama in my life. If I had a man such as you describe I would be triggered all the time and sicker than a dog. Being alone is better than being in an unhealthy relationship, but studies do tend to show people in healthy relationships live longer than people who live alone.

I would let the dust settle. Get stable on meds. Don't settle for depression and a messy house. Keep working with your doctor until you find something that works for you. Once you are stable look for a healthy relationship. Just because you have bipolar disorder doesn't mean you can't have healthy relationships.

You will see getting rid of the constant trigger this man caused you will mean a much healthier life for you. It may not feel like it now, but he did you a favor by leaving.
 

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You're a thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman who has a lot to offer a man. By now, you realize that middle aged man-children don't make good partners.

Your diagnosis is not a hinderence. He was. Focus on the rebuild of you. He WILL get his. Going through this life as a man not making your own way is a crappy place to be in. It leaves your soul hollow.
 

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If he truly is a narcissist you are better off without him. It is not treatable to medication or therapy. I have bipolar disorder and I can tolerate zero drama in my life. If I had a man such as you describe I would be triggered all the time and sicker than a dog. Being alone is better than being in an unhealthy relationship, but studies do tend to show people in healthy relationships live longer than people who live alone.

You are absolutely RIGHT. I was SICKER than a dog, constantly. I put up with FOR YEARS, his coming home late, or not at all, after a fight.

I was told that people who have bipolar disorder, with some borderline characteristics, have a tendency to be attracted to narcissists. I'm going to have to research that.

What I cannot get over is my guilt. The guilt of my disorder acting out in the last months. I was the one who kept saying "it was over", "I'm done", "I don't love you". And in fact, he brought it up. He said he didn't understand - I had said it was OVER! and we were only living together as roommates! (we weren't, we made love almost every other day).

But what I was doing was closing down, shutting down, protecting myself, and PRAYING he'd fight for the relationship.

There's a part of me that's feeling like - I'm getting what I deserve. And, until I get past this feeling, I won't be able to forgive myself.

This is what's holding me back from recovery.
 

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You're a thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman who has a lot to offer a man. By now, you realize that middle aged man-children don't make good partners.

Your diagnosis is not a hinderence. He was. Focus on the rebuild of you. He WILL get his. Going through this life as a man not making your own way is a crappy place to be in. It leaves your soul hollow.
Thank you for that.

All you've said is true. I sometimes wish I could feel nothing, have a shallow soul (how odd that he's a FLAMENCO SINGER for a living! ), like he does. I HATE waking up to all these feelings - to anxiety in the pit of my stomach. To pain, to loneliness, to heartbreak. I wish I felt nothing, or had a band-aid, like he does.

I also wish I could see her get hers. That time could be sped up somehow, and I could watch her suffer from his thoughtlessness, instead of the attention he's lavishing on her now.

Then again, I also know she cannot be a well woman. A healthy woman, especially with a CHILD, would never be attracted to him in the first place. She's addicted to him - like I was. An addiction - is a far worse habit to break, than love. I know.
 

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Harmony...

No matter what you want in life, it is really all what YOU want in life. In marriage, it takes two people to get married and only one to get divorced. You cannot make a person feel any way. That is up to them. If you are with a Narcissist, or someone who is manipulative, then they can often make you feel a certain way... They make you feel a certain way only because you let them.

I would say that you are at the point where you cannot see the forest through the trees right now. You are too close to the situation and what you really want is all the good feelings. I think the more that you detach from what seems maybe a toxic relationship, you will see that the roses have a lot of thorns on them.

Don't waste your time trying to make him feel anything. That is a colossal pit of time and emotional sucking mess. Focus on yourself. Find something that makes you happy. No one is stopping you from enjoying your life and making the most of it.

I am divorced a few months now. I found things that I wanted to do with my life and I focused on the positive. I met someone, go to the gym. I'm working on my bucket list. There was a time when I would say, my life is really good except for one thing... Now it's my life is really good... Sure there will always be messes in your life, but get by them and focus on being a better you.
 

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Harmonynme

Sorry your here.
I know its very painful. Everyone wants the other person to feel something and suffer. The reality is they will, just you will not be around to see it.

You will go through the ups and downs of this emotional roller coaster. It is normal.

Your very lucky you had no kids or other legalities that tie you to him for an extend period of time. Do the whole sue him for his half of the finances.

But emotionally that is just going to take time. Like I said on top. You will be good for 3 days and then just crumble for some unknown reason. I've come to discover that you really need to crumble so you can get past it. What happens is those times you loose it will get further and further apart.

At least he is out of your apartment which honestly helps with the healing. Myself I'm on almost 3 months with my soon to be Ex-wife still home as she spends time fixing up the new apartment for her and her boyfriend to move into. Then add in my 2 kids into the mix, it's very painful. But I'm handling it the best I can.

You will too. Were you older or younger ?
 

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Harmonynme

Sorry your here.
I know its very painful. Everyone wants the other person to feel something and suffer. The reality is they will, just you will not be around to see it.

You will go through the ups and downs of this emotional roller coaster. It is normal.

Your very lucky you had no kids or other legalities that tie you to him for an extend period of time. Do the whole sue him for his half of the finances.

But emotionally that is just going to take time. Like I said on top. You will be good for 3 days and then just crumble for some unknown reason. I've come to discover that you really need to crumble so you can get past it. What happens is those times you loose it will get further and further apart.

At least he is out of your apartment which honestly helps with the healing. Myself I'm on almost 3 months with my soon to be Ex-wife still home as she spends time fixing up the new apartment for her and her boyfriend to move into. Then add in my 2 kids into the mix, it's very painful. But I'm handling it the best I can.

You will too. Were you older or younger ?
Your message has helped me so much, you've no idea.

I'm sorry about your private hell, even worse. I'd want to throw up every day. Just thinking of her, ARRRGHHH!!!

I was younger, by three years. His new one, older by two years. But he was a Mama's boy anyway - so. It's perfect.
 

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I don't want to be judgemental but this guy sounds like a loser. What is he a self- tortured artist type? I am thinking you'll get your wish and this OW will see his true colors. It's best to completely emotionally detach yourself from him. If he says "I hate you for keeping her from me" he is not going to be willing to reconcile. It sucks but it is the reality of the situation. I was with a controlling, egotistical, and somewhat narcissist. I put up with way to much for too long. I am now starting to get myself back. It's best just to cut your losses and let him make his own mistakes. The more you try and reason with him, the more you push him towards the other woman.
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