My story is complicated!
We met when we were 16/17. Became best friends and fell totally in love. He lived in another country, but we visited back and forth for months at a time. Finally when we were 20, he decided to move here permanently for two reasons: his family is absolutely horrible, and there were no jobs in his country. So, we ended up getting married by an attorney, and he was able to get a temporary green card and stay here. The early years of us together were teenage obsession and total true-love bonding.
About two years after getting married, things had turned completely around. He was treating me carelessly; he had emotional issues from growing up abused. He was cold and detached, and was physically aggressive and intimidating. I should have stood up first, and at some points I should have called the police, but I just wanted to help him. Anyway, he ended up telling me it was over because he felt emotionally numb and didn't think he loved me. I cried like an animal for days, we still shared an apartment, it was not a good situation. When he saw me starting to go out with friends he pulled me back into a relationship with him. Afterwards he blamed it on a coercive internet friend in Russia who had convinced him that he would be happier without me. I agreed to get back together on the grounds that he would cut off contact with that friend.
Fast forward a few more years. This is now after seven years together. Things are better than ever with my best friend. He took me on an awesome trip for my birthday in October 2011. I was feeling totally in love with him. Our future seemed very bright and secure.
On his birthday in November, his increasing alcohol consumption became a problem when he ended the party by being totally poisoned. He was totally incoherent and his lips were blue. All our friends and family saw him naked and covered in vomit. I was worried about him, and embarrassed for him. I had to take the next day off work on an emergency basis and nearly lost my job over it. He refused to see the drinking as a problem, despite that it played a large role in our prior split.
Over Christmas he decided to throw a dinner party despite my adamantly disagreeing, and I was forced to plan everything and set it up by myself because he had to work overtime.
By January, things had become strained between us. I could tell that he wasn't the same, and he agreed that he started to feel the same emotional numbness as a few years ago. I overcompensated by being even more loving to him. He was back in contact with that Russian internet friend, but I convinced myself that our relationship was strong enough to handle that now.
Valentine's Day felt a little awkward and a little sad. This might be a little TMI, but it's important to me; when we split a few years ago, our intimacy had gotten unpleasant for me. He wouldn't look me in the eye, and was rough and cold. This Valentine's Day felt the same way. Making love wasn't "loving". I was picking up a lot of red flags from his behavior.
In March we started to talk about separating. He had been leaving early in the morning and not coming home until late at night. He confessed that he didn't have any interest in spending time with me anymore. I asked him point blank if he loved me, and he said he wasn't sure. He insisted I leave him alone, I started having panic attacks every night. I was the loneliest person in the world, living with and loving a husband who was numb to me. He kept repeating that he wanted space.
Finally I gave him an ultimatum - that week he had to do at least one thing to show me that he still cared about me, and I would stay and work on things. Otherwise, we were over. I couldn't take the pain anymore.
That week I made him a romantic dinner, and when it was his night to cook, I got home to see him eating spaghetti alone at the computer. On St. Patty's, he got wasted and tried to bring strangers over to our house in the early morning hours. Finally, on Sunday the 18th, we got into a fight walking home with groceries because he was ignoring me to type to that Russian friend on his phone. I felt the last nail sink into the coffin. I stared him right in the eyes and told him that I hated him. For the first time in my life, I meant that.
I went straight to my Dad's house. The next few nights my husband claimed he tried to call me to work things out, but my phone never rang. I don't know if he was lying, or this was some cruel coincidence, but I would have taken those calls if I had gotten them. I felt desperate to hear that he still loved me.
We only spoke to discuss the divorce after that. I moved in with my Mom for the next few months. I was totally heartbroken, and wished every day that he would show up, apologizing, so I could take him back. He was very cruel and cold to me instead, and was stone drunk 24/7, for two months straight.
It was a very difficult summer for me. I have a few serious health problems, which are stressful by themselves, but on top of that I lost my job. I ran into the husband in town one day and told him, and he responded by bragging to me about how well his life was going.
In June he went back to his home country, he claimed it was a permanent move. I tried to write him a goodbye letter that acknowledged our eight valuable years together, but he discarded it.
After he left, I got a great new job and started feeling positive about my future, although I still cried every night.
A month ago he writes me that he is moving back to this country. I say, okay, you can sign the divorce papers that I have had drafted.
I made the mistake of allowing myself to have several in-person conversations and interactions with him, and his behavior varied significantly. At first he said he came back for a job, and saw me only as a friend. A week later he said he still loved me and came back to the country to see me. A few days after that, he was back to telling me that he had no romantic feelings towards me.
I'm feeling confused and emotional. His new lifestyle absolutely disgusts me. He goes out every night and drinks and smokes pot with shady characters. He actually told me about having gone on a date. I'm sad because I look at him and can still see the wonderful boy I fell in love with so many years ago, but the words out of his mouth are alien. It's like seeing a gem being scratched, or metal being tarnished.
We have one last court date to get over with, and the divorce is done. It's on November 29th, which happens to be his birthday
There's a part of me that still doesn't want to get divorced, that loves him, that can't imagine being with any other person. When I married him, I meant it. I truly wanted no one but him for the rest of my life. So, getting divorced just feels very wrong. But he's not good for me anymore, and I know this. I cringe imagining him with someone else.
His solution for our marriage problems was for me to leave him alone completely for an undetermined period of time, because he needed space. I had already gone through so much pain and rejection on a daily basis that at that point, I couldn't do that. I needed concrete proof that he loved me, and he couldn't give me that. So now we're divorcing.
I hate to say this, but.. I just want to disappear =/ He was my one and only, and I don't want to wake up to someone else. I remember his face, and his hands, and the way he smelled. I just want him, the old him, the nice him, but I want him to be in love with me again. I know the only thing to do at this point is go through the divorce, but it hurts so bad
