[hehasmyheart]

He's always been a very entitled person. When he bought the fancy truck, he joined a certain "truck club" and decided to spend absurd amounts of our money pimping it up. He also spends on all sorts of electronics.

We make the same amount (I make more if you include the health insurance that he can't provide through his employment), but he's always controlled the money. We have a joint account, but he does the bills. I have my own account which my paycheck is deposited into. He pays the bills out of both accounts. For years (even while he was spending like a king), if I said I needed to get my hair done, he would say we don't have the money right now. This is because he was charging so much that minimum payments were hard to make.

I haven't bought new clothes, had my hair done in three years. I make close to $40,000/yr. He spends all the money, then still must have debt.

So, recently, he says we need to file bankruptcy. I'll admit I stayed ignorant to the financial situation (not my thing really, and I don't spend), but I was stunned to find that there is almost $50,000. in credit debt and the minimum payments aren't manageable anymore.

He's always been an entitled, selfish, spoiled brat. I have zero respect for him. The kids and I look like we're on welfare while he shows off his latest toys (most recently a Hummer).

He made an appointment with a bankruptcy lawyer consultation. I can't help thinking I should tell him I also want to discuss divorce at the same time. Maybe I should consult with a different lawyer, take my half of the debt (none of which I directly bought), and take out a 401K loan to pay it? My stomach hurts just thinking I'm going to go along with bankruptcy when I didn't rack up those debts.

I feel bad for the kids, but I want him out of my life.

 

[827Aug]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, I can really relate. You may want to consider allowing him to file bankruptcy alone. Even if you are married, both spouses do not have to file. Besides, the required bankruptcy classes will be good for him!

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

When my ex h did this to me, at the divorce I did not take on any of his debts. That didn't stop him from playing identity theft on me though(he took credit cards in my name, forged my signature). He also scammed his way out of back child support. I did have one credit card in my name only that he maxed out without my knowledge. I was responsible for that only. My ex h filed bankruptcy 4 times in the last 18 years. I, myself, could never file bankruptcy unless I was a part of it by spending. I'm a saver not a spender.

I'd be furious over this spending issue. A hummer takes an enormous amount of gas too.:/

 

[Anubis]

hehasmyheart,
I've saddened to hear about your situation, and it sounds like it has been this way for your entire marriage and your decision to D has been a long time forming.

That said, you must go see a divorce lawyer NOW who is at least somewhat familiar with bankruptcy before your husband can file. Just because he is going to file for Bankruptcy, it does not necessarily mean that you have to file as well, as it is possible for one spouse to take the B and not the other (this happened to my brother). From your description of his behavior, it sounds like your H would stick you with as many of his debts as he could without remorse if allowed to.

In addition, you need to get fully educated on your and his financial situation ASAP. Locate all your current statements and make copies, and most defiantly run your free annual credit reports on both yourself and him.

I know you feel bad about it having to come this, but one you know the decision is truly made, as to what sort of future you and your children are going to have, then you need to execute without hesitation.

 

[Nomads]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Indeed money can't buy love unfortunately we pay bills with money (I wish I can pay bills with our love ). I'm thankful that my dad thought me money management since I was a kid. It must been breaking your heart to see a man that you love did harm to the family.

I heard 'money' is one of most reason why couple get divorce though many able to survive. Hey, if you can get out of such 'scary' situation you can get out of anything, right?
Please, have courage and search for knowledge related to the matter (financial advisory?). Every marriage has obstacle and this might been yours.

Honestly, more than decade ago I might end up like you as how my husband brought up, environment, culture, etc. Thank God, I caught his cycle earlier then I shook his head right away. I told him, he doesn't need to prove to anyone, especially me that he is successful in 'that' way. Materialistic is never been my way. I told my hubby "They aren't my cup of tea" (branded things etc., 5 USD gift or 5k gift look the same to me, whats make it different is the 'feel', the 'atmosphere').

I start to help him to pay the bills and showing him that it isn't wise to buy 'luxurious' things (in my term is funding designers/billionaire who are richer than us and we are still doing our own laundry. especially 'hummer' like your H). Where I'm coming from, or at least my family, we don't have high end branded things but we rather have comfort, so dad hire people helping us around the house, do gardening or driving us around which is common in our culture.

There are others way to look good, smells good etc. by funding/buying things from locals artisan etc., inexpensive, unique, and helping each other economy. Once I told beloved hubby, we will buy those high end designer things if we have cash - not using credit card (This is how I brought up, my parent even bought their houses in cash/gold) and if we have more money in bank than those 'designers' we funding/bought things from.

I told hubby since we were dating that my priority always been healthy & happy. If I'm happy then I'm healthy, vice verse. In term of money translation 'cash in hand', 'saving for day to day, emergency and retirement'. He wasn't get it at 1st till I came across 'SUZE ORMAN' show on tv. I did planning everything, so he will enjoy the show. I made nice snacks and bought his fav. beers and we sat down to watch her during weekend. Hubby seems enjoying the show and start getting to understand what I'm talking about. Since then Suze Orman, financial show is our favorite and must watched during weekend (How romantic :lol
I guess it's true, sometimes (or shall I say 'all the time' :rofl:, husband listen to strangers better than his own wife ).

Nowadays hubby at least 75 % better than we were started which I'm so proud of him and knowing there are room for us to grow better. I have respect for him even more, especially when he turn 40 many years ago, he told me that I gave him the best gift he ever received: "Free of debt/credit card and pay off his student loan 10 years earlier" :yay:

I hope by sharing my experiences, you have certain idea how to deal with your H. If you do find unique way, please share and btw, cashing your 401K for paying your debt (CC) isn't the right way to do so (according to Ms. Orman), especially when you are filling bankruptcy, right? (correct me if I'm wrong as I'm newbie). Good luck dear ,,,

 

[costa200]

This isn't a man. He is a brat. No man will do this and leave his family in the pickle. Real men go without if needed, in order for the family to live better. This guy did the exact opposite. In my book he is a grade A loser.

This wasn't one of those cases where the economy busted the finances, this was plain irresponsibility.

OP, you really need to equate if you want to be shackled to this guy while he acts like this.

 

[Dollystanford]

Yes he's an irresponsible idiot and personally I wouldn't be able to forgive him

But I do hope you never act like 'finances aren't your thing' again - you have to look after yourself and your kids and never let anyone control the money to the extent where you don't know what's going on, particularly when you're earning as much as him!

I can't even fathom that happening

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Start by opening a NEW bank account in YOUR NAME ONLY that he has NO ACCESS TO and have your paychecks deposited there.

Research divorce and bankruptcy in your state (country) on the internet and at the library.

Most lawyers will meet with you for a couple of hundred bucks to advise you. Spend a few hundred and get a meeting with a bankruptcy attorney and bring a (short) list of questions if you're afraid you'll forget something. Get as much advice as you can during the time you're with him/her.

Look into sliding scale legal services.

Good luck! I just left my STBXH in May 2012 and he has acted the same way for YEARS. *I* believe your H probably has Narcissism (look up traits on Google). There is no 'curing' or 'improving' it; it's a personality disorder!

Once I left, I moved to another state, got a job the following month, and have paid back THOUSANDS of dollars in debt WITHOUT him dragging me down with his endless spending. I went to a FREE divorce seminar (in Michigan) and got general advice on divorcing. They also answered anonymous (written) questions from the audience...they stayed until EVERY question was answered.

For $85, I can meet with an attorney one-on-one and inquire about my EXACT circumstances. I will consider the money well-spent. I hope you can find something similar to it where you live. Take it a step at a time, honey, believe me...when you GET OUT, you will feel IMMEDIATE and IMMENSE relief!

 

[OhGeesh]

He's always been a very entitled person. When he bought the fancy truck, he joined a certain "truck club" and decided to spend absurd amounts of our money pimping it up. He also spends on all sorts of electronics.

We make the same amount (I make more if you include the health insurance that he can't provide through his employment), but he's always controlled the money. We have a joint account, but he does the bills. I have my own account which my paycheck is deposited into. He pays the bills out of both accounts. For years (even while he was spending like a king), if I said I needed to get my hair done, he would say we don't have the money right now. This is because he was charging so much that minimum payments were hard to make.

I haven't bought new clothes, had my hair done in three years. I make close to $40,000/yr. He spends all the money, then still must have debt.

So, recently, he says we need to file bankruptcy. I'll admit I stayed ignorant to the financial situation (not my thing really, and I don't spend), but I was stunned to find that there is almost $50,000. in credit debt and the minimum payments aren't manageable anymore.

He's always been an entitled, selfish, spoiled brat. I have zero respect for him. The kids and I look like we're on welfare while he shows off his latest toys (most recently a Hummer).

He made an appointment with a bankruptcy lawyer consultation. I can't help thinking I should tell him I also want to discuss divorce at the same time. Maybe I should consult with a different lawyer, take my half of the debt (none of which I directly bought), and take out a 401K loan to pay it? My stomach hurts just thinking I'm going to go along with bankruptcy when I didn't rack up those debts.

I feel bad for the kids, but I want him out of my life.

First of all you do not need to file bankruptcy you are not libel for his debt unless he used your social security number and if he did I think I'd cut off his balls!!

If you live in Ohio that is not a community property state meaning you don't owe one penny of that debt if it is in his name solely.

It would be very hard for me to forgive. PM me if you want more info.