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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Has anyone found themselves in this situation:
We got to a bad place in our marriage, I cheated, he got scared he would lose me and started giving me the attention and affection I wanted before. We have been going to therapy and I am starting to understand things about him that were the basis of most of our issues. I'm also learning that the man he presented me with when we were dating and throughout our marriage was not truly who he is. I'm trying to not resent him for presenting me with what he thought was a better version of himself but now I'm wondering if it is even possible for me to love him as this "new" person.
Anyone been duped like this??
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Update: I just realized I can edit this question since so many seem to not understand what it is I'm asking. In short, I want my marriage to work and I want to be happy. I accept that my husband has learned a lot about who he is and difficulties he has such as anxiety and ADD are now in the open. i dont resent him for trying to hide aspects of his personality that i find unappealing such as caring too much about what other people think and worrying too much about outward appearances. I've heard people say," try to think back to when you first met, what was it you liked about him?" Well if I think back, he is not the same person that he has admitted to being now. I can accept that but I want to know how to fall in love with this new person. If anyone has gone through this situation, is there any advice you can give me?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You can submit it but I have only been myself throughout our relationship. I understand people grow and change as lives and priorities change but that's different than someone hiding their true selves.
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:iagree:

I'm trying to not resent him for presenting me with what he thought was a better version of himself but now I'm wondering if it is even possible for me to love him as this "new" person
You resent him for showing you affection and attention?

Geez.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
My true self is not a cheater. That part was what I became while being married to someone who was self absorbed, took me for granted and didn't see the need to change when I came to him. Had I seen divorce as an option, I would have gone that route but I cheated instead. I'm not sure why everyone is so consumed by the affair in my post. I can see how many can't relate and are being judge mental but my question was geared toward those who can relate.
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My true self is not a cheater. That part was what I became while being married to someone who was self absorbed, took me for granted and didn't see the need to change when I came to him. Had I seen divorce as an option, I would have gone that route but I cheated instead.
So, your cheating was your husband's fault? Did he know about this aspect of your personality before you married?

I'm not sure why everyone is so consumed by the affair in my post. I can see how many can't relate and are being judge mental but my question was geared toward those who can relate.
I'll bite. What did you think you were getting, and what did you get in fact?
 

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SOO you are looking for other cheaters who want to come here and bash their BS' bc THEY arent the people they professed to be before marriage????? So you are a cheater and its ALL your H's fault right??? Now where have we heard that before???

Yeah-good luck.
 

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Men and woman do this in different ways, often without the intent to deceive.

You may get to know a man at work, where he seems together and manages things well, takes charge, etc, but his personal lift is not so.

A woman may show interest in a mans interest, he may think wow she loves sex, outdoors and sports, when really what she loved was doing it with him in the newness of the relationship.

Can you be more specific on how your husband is different than you thought and how long you have been married, and the circumstances leading up to your affair? Your ages?

Edit to add:
I see this in the new post above, any other info? "self absorbed, took me for granted and didn't see the need to change when I came to him"
 

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Kermitty, I get where you're coming from. You wanted the affection and attention to come before you cheated, not because you forced him to, but because he WANTED to give you those things?

There's nothing wrong with telling your spouse what you need in your marriage. After all, what's the point of being married to someone you aren't in love with? The issue that you have now is that he may be giving you that attention/affection out of desperation and not because of fond feelings and a desire to please you.

Do you guys spend time together? Have you tried recreating what you did when you dated that made you fall in love? It was there before; you can try to capture it again. If he wrote you sweet notes or you guys went out on cute dates, why not try that again?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I didn't say it was his fault I cheated. I said my cheating was a product of what was going on in our marriage. Nor did I ask for anyone to be bashed.
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Has anyone found themselves in this situation:
We got to a bad place in our marriage, I cheated, he got scared he would lose me and started giving me the attention and affection I wanted before. We have been going to therapy and I am starting to understand things about him that were the basis of most of our issues. I'm also learning that the man he presented me with when we were dating and throughout our marriage was not truly who he is. I'm trying to not resent him for presenting me with what he thought was a better version of himself but now I'm wondering if it is even possible for me to love him as this "new" person.
Anyone been duped like this??
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very much so! My STBXW. I hope my sons dont grow up to resent her.
 

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Ok. So I'll ask again- what was SO significant that you deemed it "cheatable"? What does he do/not do that was a bait and switch?? I myself have a list of things my H has done that I never dreamed he'd do yet here I am- still not a cheater.

So what did he do that led to the circumstances of your cheating??? And what did you do PRIOR to cheating to try and resolve the issues?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I understand the need to put your best foot forward when dating and hide some quirks. What I have realized about my husband is he is much more concerned with outward appearances than he let on, much more concerned with being liked and what people think of him, has an unhealthy amount of anxiety with OCD tendencies and ADD like symptoms, and he has low self confidence which has nothing to do with my affair.
I understand he didn't hide himself on purpose and am trying to not feel resentful. I'm just not sure I can find romantic love for someone who I may have not even dated in the first place.

We have been married for five years. Together for 8. We have one 3 year old son.

Funny how as soon as someone says they cheated, everyone comes charging.
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I understand the need to put your best foot forward when dating and hide some quirks. What I have realized about my husband is he is much more concerned with outward appearances than he let on, much more concerned with being liked and what people think of him, has an unhealthy amount of anxiety with OCD tendencies and ADD like symptoms, and he has low self confidence which has nothing to do with my affair.
I understand he didn't hide himself on purpose and am trying to not feel resentful. I'm just not sure I can find romantic love for someone who I may have not even dated in the first place.

We have been married for five years. Together for 8. We have one 3 year old son.

Funny how as soon as someone says they cheated, everyone comes charging.
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Your response to him aside...

You are now aware of who his is. Why is this version of him unlovable? I'm certain there are some qualities about him you can live with, so build on those. In essence you both are at a starting over stage. He's willing to do that with you after infidelity, I think you owe it to him to also try. You're both back to the beginning.
 
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