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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been together for 9 years, but only married for two. We had a long engagement, because he didn’t seem all that interested in actually being married, just engaged. I put my foot down after five years of our relatives asking us “when the big day was”. I suppose I should have taken that as a sign that there were problems on the horizon, but I chose to ignore the nagging feeling in my gut. A few years after we were engaged, I was working in a different state and living on my ship. He was living with a friend in my home town, and on occasion would take the five hour drive to see me when he wasn’t on his ship. On one of these times, we decided to spend the weekend at his hotel, just enjoying time with each other. During this weekend, he decided he wanted to have sex, but I was not feeling well, and asked him to stop. He ignored me, and persisted, until I became angry and left the room. He followed me out and apologized and we went back in to watch a movie, and talk about what we wanted to do for dinner. He has used this one incident that happened over six years ago, as the reason he won’t start anything in the bedroom. For six years I have to start everything. I have tried sexy lingerie, toys, and any fantasies I can get out of him, and nothing seems to peak his interest. He wants to have children, but when I tell him that we would have to have sex for this to happen, he says “I know” then goes and plays a video game or turns over to go to sleep. We have fought over this, I have cried to myself over this, and still nothing changes. He makes empty promises that he will try, and then never does. He won’t even cuddle with me. I have asked him if it is because he does not find me attractive, he assures me that he does. I asked him if there was anything I could do to make him more interested and he says no. In desperation I asked him if he was cheating, and he said no. I don’t know why but I believe him on this. Then a few months ago I received a text from a mutual friend, telling me that he has sent naked pictures of his wife to my husband. I am not sure why this friend would tell me this, I’m sure he knew it would cause problems. I asked my husband about it, and at first he denied it, then when I showed him the text from our ‘friend’ he came clean. He told me that this friend and his wife had asked him if we would be interested in a foursome, and he said he was. He wanted to talk to me about it, but never did, just accepted the pictures. We had a long fight over this. I asked him why he could talk to these two people about sex but never to me, his wife. He said he didn’t know. I told him that he could do whatever he wanted, but I wanted no part in this. He chose to not go through with the foursome, claiming his marriage meant more than empty sex with other people. Neither of us are in contact with these ‘friends’ and have not been in over a year. I have tried to get him interested in sex with me again, and nothing has worked. I have flip-flopped between waiting until he initiates sex, and starting it myself. I have recently decided that something drastic has to happen, because I cannot go on in a marriage with no cuddling, kissing, or sex. He claims he loves me, but only shows it in words never actions. I am starting to want a divorce, if only because I feel so unloved in this marriage. Is this normal so soon after marriage?
 

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He is probably just afraid he will be turned down again. I turned my wife down once a few years ago, and she hasn't tried since.
 

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He is probably just afraid he will be turned down again. I turned my wife down once a few years ago, and she hasn't tried since.
I agree that even one incident of rejection can stay with a man and make him avoid putting himself in that vulnerable position again. It's true for me to a certain extent, although my wife rejected me repeatedly.

In any case, what I'm reading in your post is that he is full of resentment. Whether that resentment all stems from that one incident is still unclear, but resentment is there for sure. I have a feeling that you're going to need outside help to figure it out.
 

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Do you live together now? Or are you still apart? I know for me, just the living apart would make me resentful. Especially if it went on for years.

Does he watch a lot of porn? Consider telling him explicitly that you do not want him watching porn. That you want him to use you anytime he wants to use porn, and that you promise not to say no. Try that for a month or so.
 

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On one of these times, we decided to spend the weekend at his hotel, just enjoying time with each other. During this weekend, he decided he wanted to have sex, but I was not feeling well, and asked him to stop. He ignored me, and persisted, until I became angry and left the room. ... He has used this one incident that happened over six years ago, as the reason he won’t start anything in the bedroom.
To answer your question, no, this is not normal. I am curious to get more information about the incident you described above. A single incident can have a lasting impact and make a severe impression on the way a person thinks about approaching sex. Can you provide any more information about this incident? How was the sex life before this incident? Did you notice an abrupt change afterwards? Exactly what did you ask him to stop? Was he in mid-thrust when you said to stop? Or was he just in the early stages trying to get things going?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
We live together now. He is a sailor so he is away for three weeks every three weeks. This obviously puts some strain on our marriage, but we went into this knowing that our lives would be like this. I understand that he might be afraid of being rejected again, but honestly he rejects me all the time. It hurts, it’s embarrassing, but you move on. This happened six years ago, I have apologized repeatedly for turning him down. I have promised to never turn him down again if he would just try one more time. I have asked him to go with me to marriage counseling, and he agrees, but when the time comes, he doesn’t want to. I have even asked him if he wants a divorce, and he tells me that he does not believe in divorce. He went through my computer history one time, and found that I had been looking at divorce lawyers. He came to me crying, saying that I am the love of his life, and he would never find someone who could replace me. Then he told me he will fight me every step of the way if I pursue one. I don’t understand why he wants to be attached to me if he doesn’t want to be around me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Zatol Ugot before the hotel incident we had a great sex life. We were both interested in each other, with equal give and take. When I asked him to stop we were still clothed, barely even started kissing. It is hard to say if there was an abrupt change. He went back to his apartment, I went back to my ship the day after. We didn’t see each other for three months, but talked on the phone every chance we got. We have never had phone sex so nothing changed there. When we saw each other again, we were moving into an apartment together. After we moved in, he got called back to his ship. Three weeks later he came home, and we spend all of our free time buying things we needed for our apartment. To be fair, we didn’t really have a chance for four or five months later, and yes I had to start it.
 

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I would say to start spelling out your boundaries, and then enforce them. That may include marriage counseling. But as it is now, he's learned that he can just nod his head and agree with you, and you'll leave him alone for awhile.

C
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The turndown does stay with the guy. Most likely he shut down and disconnected. It sounds selfish on the guys part but it's funny how many threads we see just involving sex. Being secure in a sexual relationship runs both ways.
 

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Chalk me up as one of those guys who believes that the OP turning her husband down once is NOT the major problem here. Show me one guy who was never turned down for sex, dates or phone numbers and I'll show you a guy that is the perfect man...

How fragile is this guy if being turned down once resulted in a permanent shut down? If the OP's husband was affected by it, then the only thing I can guess is the guy may feel trauma because he might have been accused of rape by pushing for sex after his wife said no? Maybe he's afraid he'll be accused of rape??? IDK, just spitballing here...
 

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Chalk me up as one of those guys who believes that the OP turning her husband down once is NOT the major problem here. Show me one guy who was never turned down for sex, dates or phone numbers and I'll show you a guy that is the perfect man...

How fragile is this guy if being turned down once resulted in a permanent shut down? If the OP's husband was affected by it, then the only thing I can guess is the guy may feel trauma because he might have been accused of rape by pushing for sex after his wife said no? Maybe he's afraid he'll be accused of rape??? IDK, just spitballing here...
I agree that being turned down once is not a normal reason for someone to shut down trying. There's something else at play here. If he tried using that as an excuse with a therapist, I suspect that would not be accepted as the real reason.

C
 

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While being turned down can hurt, it's also true that a person should be able to turn down sex at times and it's ok. She was not feeling well. Surely a person has the right to not have sex when they are not feeling well.

His ego is hurt because you turned him down and he does not respect that you have the right to not want sex when you are sick.

It would be different if you were not trying to hard to get him to have sex with you since that time.

So he's punishing you. When a man withholds sex it's because he's upset, angry. That's pretty clear here. AT this point what he's doing is pretty abusive. It's causing you a lot of emotional pain and apparently he does not care.

Unless he will work with you to fix this I don't see how your marriage will work out since you are so unhappy and he seems to not want to fix anything.
 

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Rejection can stick to a guy. I agree.

That said, one rejection six years ago should be heavily outweighed by a wife who is trying repeatedly to fulfill your every fantasy, begging you to do her and essentially promising to never say no again. I mean, come on, she didn't kill his dog, she said no once... because of illness.

This falls back on the husband. He needs to grow a pair and recognize that his wife has needs that are totally normal in a marraige and he should grow up and start trying to meet those needs, at least partially.

Everyone is allowed to say no if they don't want to engage in sex. One rejection in nine years should not be justification for a complete withdrawl of all sexual activities towards a spouse.

Additionally, the guy is an ******* for receiving naked pics of another woman like that, plain and simple. All of us would be livid if our spouses were reciving naked pics of another person with an invite for a foursome and not saying anything to us. I'd be doing a lot of snooping for fear of an affair on this.

OP, you could also inform him that he can fight a divorce all he wants, all it does is drag it out longer but that's about it and the only one who is likely to be damaged in a draged out divorce is him. I know, my ex-wife dragged ours out. It just cost her in the end. The only thing a prolonged divorce could do to you really is impact when you can get remarried and obviously that's not on your radar right now anyways.
 

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No, it's not the rejection and it's not punishment.

He's getting it elsewhere. You were apart a lot and I would bet he hooked up with someone and now he's just getting his sexual needs met elsewhere. May even be with a guy and now he's more into guys than women (and you).

Sorry to be blunt about it. Check for evidence.
 

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No, it's not the rejection and it's not punishment.

He's getting it elsewhere. You were apart a lot and I would bet he hooked up with someone and now he's just getting his sexual needs met elsewhere. May even be with a guy and now he's more into guys than women (and you).

Sorry to be blunt about it. Check for evidence.
I am sorry to say but I agree with this. Except for the guy part (but you never know)
 

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My husband and I have been together for 9 years, but only married for two. We had a long engagement, because he didn’t seem all that interested in actually being married, just engaged. I put my foot down after five years of our relatives asking us “when the big day was”. I suppose I should have taken that as a sign that there were problems on the horizon, but I chose to ignore the nagging feeling in my gut.
One of the most common mistakes that men and women make. It's become so acceptable to push a man into marriage, and likewise for men to feel that it's OK to buckle under the pressure to do so.

It only lends to serious problems for many couples down the line. I really wish we would start to teach people that this is never a good idea.

He has used this one incident that happened over six years ago, as the reason he won’t start anything in the bedroom. For six years I have to start everything. I have tried sexy lingerie, toys, and any fantasies I can get out of him, and nothing seems to peak his interest. He wants to have children, but when I tell him that we would have to have sex for this to happen, he says “I know” then goes and plays a video game or turns over to go to sleep. We have fought over this, I have cried to myself over this, and still nothing changes. He makes empty promises that he will try, and then never does. He won’t even cuddle with me. I have asked him if it is because he does not find me attractive, he assures me that he does. I asked him if there was anything I could do to make him more interested and he says no. In desperation I asked him if he was cheating, and he said no. I don’t know why but I believe him on this. Then a few months ago I received a text from a mutual friend, telling me that he has sent naked pictures of his wife to my husband. I am not sure why this friend would tell me this, I’m sure he knew it would cause problems. I asked my husband about it, and at first he denied it, then when I showed him the text from our ‘friend’ he came clean. He told me that this friend and his wife had asked him if we would be interested in a foursome, and he said he was. He wanted to talk to me about it, but never did, just accepted the pictures. We had a long fight over this. I asked him why he could talk to these two people about sex but never to me, his wife. He said he didn’t know. I told him that he could do whatever he wanted, but I wanted no part in this. He chose to not go through with the foursome, claiming his marriage meant more than empty sex with other people. Neither of us are in contact with these ‘friends’ and have not been in over a year. I have tried to get him interested in sex with me again, and nothing has worked. I have flip-flopped between waiting until he initiates sex, and starting it myself. I have recently decided that something drastic has to happen, because I cannot go on in a marriage with no cuddling, kissing, or sex. He claims he loves me, but only shows it in words never actions. I am starting to want a divorce, if only because I feel so unloved in this marriage. Is this normal so soon after marriage?
It doesn't matter how normal this is, or is not, in a marriage regardless of length. It's killing YOUR marriage, and that's all that matters.

Your husband is interested in sex. He unfortunately is not interested in sex with you, or at least only you. The fact that he accepted the pictures of this friend's wife, and was contemplating actually asking you to do a foursome, tell the story of a sexual being who, for whatever reasons, has shut off sex with you.

Let me ask you this; how has the sex been in the relationship overall when you do have it? Is it varied and exciting? More typical, and limited? Vanilla? Spicy? Do you have any idea what kind of porn your husband is attracted to, if he watches it? Do you know anything about his masturbation habits?

I think further details would help people give you more specific answers.
 

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Zatol Ugot before the hotel incident we had a great sex life. We were both interested in each other, with equal give and take. When I asked him to stop we were still clothed, barely even started kissing. It is hard to say if there was an abrupt change. He went back to his apartment, I went back to my ship the day after. We didn’t see each other for three months, but talked on the phone every chance we got. We have never had phone sex so nothing changed there. When we saw each other again, we were moving into an apartment together. After we moved in, he got called back to his ship. Three weeks later he came home, and we spend all of our free time buying things we needed for our apartment. To be fair, we didn’t really have a chance for four or five months later, and yes I had to start it.
So, you guys went weeks/months without seeing each other, never talked about sex in between that time, and then didn't have sex even when you did get back to each other because you were caught up buying furniture??

If this is true...are you sure he's not just extremely low drive? If you have spent long periods being long distance from each other, maybe its just clouded your ability to see it in the past?

My H and I spent two years of our relationship long distance, going weeks/months without seeing each other. I don't know what "normal" is, but I can tell you that it took all of our self control not to tear each others clothes off the moment we were reunited each time. Nothing in the world was more important than being together physically after all that time apart.

I really can't believe a guy could be so damaged by a single incident of rejection. Its not like it was over the top. It sounds like a convenient excuse to me.
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I have even asked him if he wants a divorce, and he tells me that he does not believe in divorce. He went through my computer history one time, and found that I had been looking at divorce lawyers. He came to me crying, saying that I am the love of his life, and he would never find someone who could replace me. Then he told me he will fight me every step of the way if I pursue one. I don’t understand why he wants to be attached to me if he doesn’t want to be around me.
If someone asks you if you want to divorce, and the response is "I don't believe in divorce", than that's concerning. The response should be that they never want to divorce YOU, not that they simply won't divorce because they don't "believe" in it.

Do you think the tears and threats to fight the divorce was about him wanting to be with you, or him having some deep fear, or conviction, about divorce? Does divorce run high in his family?
 

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If I get rejected twice I shut down and it is on the wife to let me know when she wants it. After that I will go back to initiating. I refuse to beg. Holding a grudge for six years is not normal. There can be many causes including low T. Have him get a test and do not take no for an answer. Draw some blood for the doctor or my lawyer will draw lots more from you.
 
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