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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This has been a rough past two and half years for me because I have been the biggest I have ever been the past two and half years. I am only 21 years old, and I am miserable... The biggest reason is that my husband is no longer physically attracted to me. I know he loves me, I really do know it. We still have sex but it is usually in the dark which upsets me a lot. He doesn't make fun of me or anything. Here's the story:

I got with him at age 15 when I weighed 145 lbs which was not that bad considering I was pretty tall for my age. He was so in love with me and my body. He wined and dined me every chance he got. Then I got pregnant at 18, and no I did not gain a whole lot of weight when I was pregnant I gained about 10 pounds that I kept when I was pregnant. After I had her, I had to have birth control so I took the shot until I could get my insurance to pay for the IUD, I literally BLEW UP.. I gained 100 pounds in less than 6 months it seemed like. That's when he told me that he was not physically attracted to me the first time... and it hurt it really did. I was around 265 pounds, and I was already pissed at myself as it was so that let me down more. So I went to the doctor and got phentermine and lost down to 215. Our relationship sparked a little bit again and I guess I started feeling good so I put 20 pounds back on. For the past two years those 20 pounds have been coming and going... In 2009, I got laid off and I could not even think of dieting do to being depressed and unemployed. So my weight was like a yo-yo all year. This year I am done with this I weight 230 pounds to date and by the end of the year I will lose the 80 pounds.... but here's the deal. He has came to me and told me that my weight is affected his attraction to me physically and sex is beginning to suck for us. He masturbates every single morning, and I can beg all night for sex and he does that instead. It really is hard for me to not get angry at him, because it hurts so bad. I want to know what your advice is, by the way I am losing weight for me not him. I just wonder if to anyone else if he is being fair to me? Is this relationship going to work? Also, How do I deal with this problem?

PlEASE HELP!
 

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What will happen when you lose the weight (and I know you will!)? He may be sexually attracted to you, but you may end up resenting him for how he treated you when you were a little heavier.
 

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I too would prefer my wife be thinner (as I'm sure she would me too), but most important is that she knows how to push the right buttons and has the willingness and enthusiasm to do so.

I think he's put both of you in a really lousy spot. Like "Intro" said above, this is something that's going to be tough for you to get over, whether you weigh 150 or 250.

I don't know that this is emotional abuse, but he is basically withholding sex with you, and that is wrong.

Kind of wonder if the weight you need to lose is the ?150lbs? laying next to you each night.
 

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This sucks. It's a terrible situation and I'm sorry you are in it.

The thing that makes this so bad is that weight is a very soft spot for most women. It's the topic where we are most vulnerable. Being told you are too fat to have sex with by your husband is like a punch in the gut! It sends the message that he doesn't love you for you and that hurts. Your eyes are the same, your kiss is the same, your touch is the same, but he ignores all of the ways you are the same and focuses on how you are different.

But the fact remains you can not change him, you can only change yourself. Invest in a good vibrator and get back on track with your diet/exercise routine! Also go get your hair done, nails done, and start feeling good about yourself RIGHT NOW! Don't wait until the weight is off to feel good about yourself because how you feel about yourself comes through. That's why it's called SELF esteem. Don't let his image of you define how you feel about yourself.

Good luck.
 

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I know what you're H is doing must seem really mean, but I dont think it is. I think he's being honest with you and that's a good thing. I dont say that to be mean or harsh. Ive been in a marriage for years with a husband that withholds sex from me. i know what it feels like to know your H is masturbating to other women while you feel rejected and unloved. I know that feeling. But even in knowing that, i dont think your H's actions are wrong.

That doesnt mean that i also think you shouldnt feel hurt and angry. If you didnt feel those things i would think you didnt love him. Ive had to work through my own anger and resentment with these matters. its really hard and takes a long time, but you can do it. Your marriage is not doomed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
You know it is hard to not be angry with him, because he tells me that it is like he has lost me. It's not like he is comparing me to other woman, instead he compares me to what I used to be. I talked to him about it, and I think that I can find a way to get past the hurtful words that he said that he did not mean to hurt me with.
Referring to Intro - Getting small is what I am scared of, because I know he would wine and dine me again and treat me like I am a queen unlike he does now... and I dont want to feel completely awful when he does that. I think the past couple of years I have just be focused on the fact that I thought he was an SOB for saying such things to me, that he should love me for me! But you know in that time I just got unhappy with myself... and I really truly know that losing the weight would help me be myself again which I know I am not anymore... Thanks everyone for the helpful advice... I need the positive attitude that you guys are giving me....
To top it off, what is so hard to see past "attractiveness" is that my H actually weighs about 275 pounds himself... so I guess that makes me angry to the extent that he is not Mr. Handsome himself but I love him anyway.
 

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To top it off, what is so hard to see past "attractiveness" is that my H actually weighs about 275 pounds himself... so I guess that makes me angry to the extent that he is not Mr. Handsome himself but I love him anyway.
OK - so you need to lose 275 lbs!

And the more I think about it, the more I think it IS emotional abuse - to withhold sex "unless you do/are..."
 

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And the more I think about it, the more I think it IS emotional abuse - to withhold sex "unless you do/are..."
i think its kind of weird that you think sex should be given no matter what. that mind set seems abusive to me. ive told my H that if he puts on weight i wont be attracted to him and definitely wont want to have sex with him. my H has also told me that if i put on a lot of weight he wont be attracted to me. Im completely fine with that and see nothing wrong with it. I dont think its just about looks either- its a lifestyle that is unattractive.
 

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If I'm not in the mood for sex, I don't have sex. Its temporary - based on circumstance. And its never meant as a punishment.

I agree it is complicated - but a guy rejecting his very willing wife and flaunting the fact that he prefers his hand sounds mean and controlling to me.

He has obviously hurt her feelings. If he cared about her he would encourage her to lose weight for her own good.
 

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i want to go back to the self image and how you feel about you youself with all things aside...
if you are not happy with your weight then you will not project feeling happy and dress different (tend to hid) and normally the smile will not be there.
that can reflect.. on his feelings also.. but with that said he liked and fell for more than just your weight he fell for your personality and other things to...
he is not happy with your weight and your not happy with it do something together to fix it.... let him know sexersize racks up alot of exsercise and it is fun to... you have a child let him watch while you go for a walk..

the hardest things for people is to put themselfs 1st... if you are main cooker go on line and find out that food can taste great and healthy just need to watch size of the plate....

now the weight is being worked on there is more to work on here or it sounds like it.... smell personality is also part of why we fall in love but love is what you show and do not realy a feeling of passision all the time...

i do believe if you find you again he will either come back and reconnect with you and it will be great or he will not but if he don't then you will be strong enough to realize it is him not you.
 

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I disagree, I am sorry but if my wife gained a 100lbs I would certainly lose my attraction to her, I would love her, but I would not be physically attracted to her.

Now, I have gained a few poounds since summer..I was 165lbs and now I am 180lbs...This is completely unacceptable to me.

Am I self pitying myself? no, I said enough is enough...

I am exercising everyday, except weekends...I am doing free weights and cardio (HIIT) training.

Since I have started my wife has joined me, we work out together in our basement, I purchased us a Treadmill, a stationary bike, some dumbells, a barbell, and my wife bout the Turbo jam and the wave workout programs. While I do weights and treadmill/bike workouts, she does her turbo jam and wave workouts. Our kids play upstairs or the next room.

there is no goal for her, for me I want to see my abs and be in better shape at 40 then I was at 20.

The point is....What do you want to look like? what do you want? Do you like being 275lbs? If so, then find a new guy, if you do not want to be 275lbs? then do something about it! Don't wallow or look for excuses. It is either or...

If you want to get back in shape...then work out, either in a gym or at home, but do something.

Start eating better, get rid of soda all together. Drink water and plenty of it. Get rid of fast food, cook meals at home, it is cheaper and better for you.

Eat a salad with dinner, eat wheat, not white bread. Fruit for snacks, stuff you like.

Get rid of the junk food, and just eat healthier, don't starve yourself, eat 5-6 SMALL meals a day, when your hungry eat a healthy snack, apple, carrots, whole wheat with peanut butter.

Eat oatmeal for breakfast, eggs, etc.

It is up to you, start today, not tomorrow, climb up and down your stairs 20 times, get to the point where you can run up and down ever other 5 times.

it starts with you, no one else. If your hubby see's you working out...he will either get turned on or he may join you, ask him to help train you, my wife likes it when I help her and give her advice on things to try.

But you have to do it for yourself, it ends right there.

no one can lose your weight but you, it takes time, alot of time, so don't gety frustrated if you do not see results right away, just keep doing it for your own health
 

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i think its kind of weird that you think sex should be given no matter what. that mind set seems abusive to me. ive told my H that if he puts on weight i wont be attracted to him and definitely wont want to have sex with him. my H has also told me that if i put on a lot of weight he wont be attracted to me. Im completely fine with that and see nothing wrong with it. I dont think its just about looks either- its a lifestyle that is unattractive.
I have to agree with this "side" of the argument. My wife has struggled with her weight since I have known her, especially during her "child birth" years. I never gave her the first discouraging word about it but I lost all sexual attraction to her during that time, not so much due to the weight gain itself....but due to the unhealthy, sedentary lifestyle that she adopted. I have always been physically active/fit person. And it's the placing of comfort over self-improvement that is VERY unattractive to me, regardless of what area of life that we're talking about. When my wife has been working on her fitness & weight, I find her almost irresistible, even before the results are evident to the naked eye. It's the effort that is attractive....and I let her know this. The visual results are just icing on the cake.
 

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What about the effects of aging on all of us? Things start to sag, hair falls out of one place and starts growing in other places, wrinkles in places where we used to not have places, we have to start taking a pill as part of foreplay because things stop working the way they used to...

I'm not arguing, but asking. I see the other side, I'm just not sold on it yet.

If a man starts to go bald before his "normal" time, does he have to make the effort to stop this - plugs, wigs, other - if his wife finds it to be unattractive? After all, she married a guy with hair, right?

Maybe aging is different because we "typically" do it together. Maybe its OK that she's sagging because he is too - even though neither find it attractive?

Also what bothers me about this thread is you have a guy jacking off while ignoring his willing wife - while so many of us here have been going solo due to unwilling partners.
 

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What about the effects of aging on all of us? Things start to sag, hair falls out of one place and starts growing in other places, wrinkles in places where we used to not have places, we have to start taking a pill as part of foreplay because things stop working the way they used to...

I'm not arguing, but asking. I see the other side, I'm just not sold on it yet.

If a man starts to go bald before his "normal" time, does he have to make the effort to stop this - plugs, wigs, other - if his wife finds it to be unattractive? After all, she married a guy with hair, right?

Maybe aging is different because we "typically" do it together. Maybe its OK that she's sagging because he is too - even though neither find it attractive?

Also what bothers me about this thread is you have a guy jacking off while ignoring his willing wife - while so many of us here have been going solo due to unwilling partners.
I see both sides, but I'm more on this side. Maybe because I've gained and lost weight during my marriage and I know how easy it is to gain and how hard it is to lose - especially for women.

I think it's cruel what this guy is doing. I don't think it's wrong for him to want his wife to lose weight or that he finds her more attractive when she is thinner, but I still think he should have sex with her. What he is doing is punishing her/controlling her to behave the way he wants and that isn't fair. Basically, I think he's manipulating her to lose weight by denying her sex.

That's not fair and I think it's a breech of contract in a marriage. What if he started slacking off at work and losing money and she refused to have sex with him until he had more money in the bank?

I don't think it's wrong to want your partner to at least try to look good for you, but I do not agree with this particular method of persuading them to it.
 

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What about the effects of aging on all of us? Things start to sag, hair falls out of one place and starts growing in other places, wrinkles in places where we used to not have places, we have to start taking a pill as part of foreplay because things stop working the way they used to...

I'm not arguing, but asking. I see the other side, I'm just not sold on it yet.

If a man starts to go bald before his "normal" time, does he have to make the effort to stop this - plugs, wigs, other - if his wife finds it to be unattractive? After all, she married a guy with hair, right?

Maybe aging is different because we "typically" do it together. Maybe its OK that she's sagging because he is too - even though neither find it attractive?

Also what bothers me about this thread is you have a guy jacking off while ignoring his willing wife - while so many of us here have been going solo due to unwilling partners.
Issues related to aging are one thing, but issues relating to lifestyle are completely different. Completely. You can't fight aging but you can ALWAYS lead a more attractive lifestyle.

In fact, doing too much to fight the aging process and/or genetics is usually pretty unattractive as well. Too much cosmetic surgery is downright sickening. And I have not lost even the first hair but my wife and her friends all agree that men doing anything to artificially reverse genetic balding is almost always far more unattractive than the balding itself.

Point is this: a.) CONFIDENTLY play the genetic hand you've been dealt and b.) adopt a lifestyle where you're always trying to be more healthy & a better person in general.....chances are you'll never have to worry about these things.

edit: Just to clarify, I am talking about a mindset (of attractiveness & expectations) here. I absolutely never, EVER withheld sex from my wife when she was so overweight. But I did pursue it from her far less often in those days.
 

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To top it off, what is so hard to see past "attractiveness" is that my H actually weighs about 275 pounds himself... so I guess that makes me angry to the extent that he is not Mr. Handsome himself but I love him anyway.
Seems worth re-stating here.

I'm struggling because if he truly isn't attracted, then that's how he feels and that's that. Maybe he's a good, honest guy.

But it doesn't sound like he's encouraging her to go bike riding or jogging with him either. Sounds like he'd rather go out to eat and drink - but he expects HER to be a better person.

I guess the best answer is lose the weight for yourself and see where things go. If he's truly a jerk, then he'll be a jerk no matter what weight you are at.
 

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edit: Just to clarify, I am talking about a mindset (of attractiveness & expectations) here. I absolutely never, EVER withheld sex from my wife when she was so overweight. But I did pursue it from her far less often in those days.
To me that's the issue. If you aren't as attracted, then it is what it is. But this sounds like controlling and borderline abusive behavior.
 

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What an interesting thread this turned out to be! To the original poster about your situation... it hurts incredibly to be turned down to a hand for any reason, weight just happens to be yours.

At least your husband is being honest with you, would you rather wonder if he was having an affair and thats why he stopped having sex with you? My point is, it sucks, it hurst and its unfair. My situation has been as well. Its how we respond to it and deal with it that matters. We/you cant change the other person's reasons or behavior... but by changing our own, we can affect a change in the relationship which may lead to change in our/your spouse.

So if you get upset and immobilized by knowing how he feels, your cycle will continue. If you have a quick pity party and then brush it off, or adopt a pseudo "get mad, get even" approach, you will take positive steps for yourself... you rhusband may become more attentive just by the fact that you are taking action.

Give it a thought...:smthumbup:
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I think that I understand where my H is coming from but the whole thing that I need to overcome is my anger toward him. I know that he is not out to hurt me, because he is been through everything with me. He feels guilty than ever, and I know all of this because we had a deep conversation about it. I am going to get rid of this weight with him, and I am more motivated than ever! I am not doing it FOR him, I am doing it WITH him. I appreciate all of the feedback, because listening to others helps me look up in the future... I guess I am just a sex freak cause I do like to have sex alot for a woman that is, and it is not right that he reject me all the time... but I guess what I am saying is he is being honest... and you know I weight 230lbs and I think he might be the one that is saving me from hitting that 300 pound mark in the next couple of years. I WOULD NOT WANT THAT. I guess how I am starting to look at it, if you constantly tell someone they look awesome and beautiful no matter what weight they are at, then most likely they will be comfortable with the fact they are big just like me. I don't ever do the things I use to do because I have gained this weight so I can also see why he says that he has lost me. Thanks again...
 

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Seems worth re-stating here.

I'm struggling because if he truly isn't attracted, then that's how he feels and that's that. Maybe he's a good, honest guy.

But it doesn't sound like he's encouraging her to go bike riding or jogging with him either. Sounds like he'd rather go out to eat and drink - but he expects HER to be a better person.

I guess the best answer is lose the weight for yourself and see where things go. If he's truly a jerk, then he'll be a jerk no matter what weight you are at.
That is a good point. He should be exhibiting the behavior he wants her to follow. Practice what he preaches so to speak. I guess it's okay for him to be a rolly polly, but he doesn't want one on his arm.
 
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