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So, my husband and I have had nearly the same argument over and over about his career...or rather lack thereof.

He is in the music industry, and works non-traditional hours. We have two school-age kids. At one time we were both working outside the home. He argued about who would pick up the kids or stay home if one of our kids was sick. The share of responsibilities was very unfair.

Fast forward to today: I work from home about 20 hours per week. I make nearly the same income he does, although he now works 70 hours a week, without telling me if or when he's going to be home. He is paid under the table, the "job" has no chance of growing, and if you break down what he makes per hour, he barely makes more than minimum wage. We need more income, yet I cannot look for a job outside the home unless I continue to shoulder 100% of the responsibility for the kids: school, activities, illness, doctors, grocery shopping, housework, yard work...you name it. He does SOME of the dishes and takes the trash out if he remembers. That's it.

Every time I try to bring up this subject he gets fiercely defensive about his "non-traditional" job and how I want him to work "normal people hours". I simply feel that as much as you might want something to morph into a sustainable career, if you aren't making it and your family is suffering, you have to take a hard look at the hours you put in versus the payoff. I've been with him for 13 years and we are still living week to week. He hides from taxes, while I file separately. I feel that as much as he may love his "job", if it isn't above board, isn't lucrative after years of trying, and shows no potential for the future, then it isn't really a job, it's a hobby.

He says, "So, it's just about money? If I earned more money it would be okay?" Well, kind of.

I get that he is defensive, but I cannot find words to explain that it isn't about how much money he makes, but rather the fact that not everyone can make a career in the thing they love - especially something as fickle as the music industry. It's time to cut bait and he refuses to see it that way. Help! :(
 

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You have been filling taxes married but separate? That is the highest tax rate there is. What a waste.

What you wrote is confusing because you make a big objection to him working long hours and making very little money.


I get that he is defensive, but I cannot find words to explain that it isn't about how much money he makes, but rather the fact that not everyone can make a career in the thing they love - especially something as fickle as the music industry. It's time to cut bait and he refuses to see it that way. Help! :(
Look at the rest of your post and then at this paragraph. You are giving mixed messages.

Here you say that you don't care how much he makes. You just don't want him to do what he loves to do. Do you mean that? I don't think so.

Of course it's about money. If he was making a million a year, I bet you would be happy that he's doing what he loves to do and making a lot of money.

He's not going to see it 'that way' because of the mixed messages.

What you need to tell him is that the thing that matters is the financial stability of your family and that he does his fair share with the children and the house. If he and you can live a financially secure life style with him working in the field he does, then good. If not there is a problem.

However, you married him knowing full well that this is who he is. It's highly unlikely that he will change.

You have choices here..

Stay as it is.

You find a job, put the kids in day care and you do everything. And you stay married with him doing what he wants.

You find a job, put the kids in day care and you do everything. and you divorce him. You will be doing everything except he will have the kids some days of the week.

Would he be able to even make enough to live on if he had to support himself?
 

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Living within your means? Do you sit with your H and show him on paper where the family is going financially? Week to week living is not living. Been there and ate my fill of hamburger helper.

Also, 70 work week is not what I call conducive to a good healthy marriage.
 
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