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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I have been spending hours and days reading stories on this forum and many other sites, but I finally decide to pen down my story and ask for help because I feel like I am crumbling again.

We have been married for almost 3 years. Last Nov was when I discovered things that changed my life forever. I am no longer a happy person, and I feel that a huge part of me will never be the same again.

My story is pretty complex, so i will give a summary of D-day first, and provide more background subsequently. I hope to have opinions on how i should proceed.

In Nov, there was one night he was out drinking with friends till 4am. At 12 midnight, i called and asked if he wanted me to drive him home. He rejected me. I called again and asked if he could come back earlier and not too late. He got angry and asked me not to disturb him. Then, out of anger and cuz his phone battery was running low, he switched off his phone. I stayed up at home, and that night, I felt really uneasy, I actually had a stomach upset for no apparent reason. When he came home at 4am, he got into bed immediately. His phone vibrated with a message, and i caught a glance of it. His friend texted him:

'how was it?'.

With his back to me, he deleted the message. He wasnt aware that i saw him do it. I asked him what his friend meant by that. And he tried to brush me off and gave some weak reply. I asked for his phone and he gave it to me. I replied his friend:

'how was what?'

His friend replied:

'how was your girl?'

I thought his friend was referring to me, whether i was angry at him for coming home so late. I replied:

'how was your girl?'

His friend replied:

'huh, you didnt take the girl out?'

At this point, my world broke down. I felt I was in a dream, a nightmare, everyone who has been cheated on will know what i mean. The rest flashed by in a daze:

' what girl?, what do he mean? where did you go?'

'ok, i admit, we went to a ktv and after that i took the hostess out to a hotel.'


' yes, i took her out, but i was too drunk, i didnt have intercourse with her cuz i couldnt get it up. in the end i just masturbated myself. I did not have intercourse with her'.

'why did you do it?'

' I was angry with you for smsing me and calling me so many times to come home'

'wheres your wedding ring?'

'i took it off before i entered the ktv'

'did you want to end our marriage, thats why you took off your ring?'

'at that point i was angry with you and yes i think i wanted to do that'

This was the essence of the conversation.
There were also discrepancies in the facts he initially told me and later confessed. initially he told me he did not even take off his jeans, but afterwards he admitted the hostess stripped him. And that he bought a condom, but he did not use it. but he maintained that he did not have sexual intercourse with the hostess because he was unable to get it up. i did not ask in order not to have the images seared into my mind but i am very sure oral sex happened.

after being in a daze for 12 hours and looking at information on how to get a divorce, the following night, i insisted on him getting a testosterone test because i felt that he was behaving like this because he had high testosterone. We went to the only clinic that was open that evening, which was also a clinic specializing in STD tests. I was trying so hard to find an excuse for what he did, so i could forgive him. i kept asking why why why and i wanted to know it was beyond his control, he couldnt help it because of a medical condition.

After the testosterone test, i requested he went for a STD test too. I did not think this would be out of the ordinary, because before we got married, i requested him to do a HIV test, which he did. At this point, my world exploded for the 2nd time. He admitted to me he has Herpes. I didnt know what it was. But i search and read up on the spot.

' you know that this is incurable, and you would have passed it to me. why didnt you tell me this before?'

' i dont know, i wanted to, but i was scared you will leave me if i told you'

I went back to the clinic to do the Herpes test instead. And the shame i felt....i will never forget that. I am stained now. forever.

After that, i was on the verge of breakdown, i asked him to fetch me to meet some of my friends. At that point I told myself I will have to divorce him. Its fate that i found out these two things, fate was telling me that I can never forgive him.

After i met my friends and came home, i opened the door to find him sitting in the living room with his friend. the very same a-hole that went with him to the sleazy ktv with hostess. the very same a-hole who crushed my world with his sms. I turned and left.

He chased out after me. and this time he tried to tell me

'actually i didnt take any girl out. i told you that only because i was angry at you, i didnt do anything'.

i looked at him, hopeful for a split second, and instantly i knew he was lying

'do you really think i am as stupid as your a-hole friends?'

at this point he admitted that he lied because his 'friend' advised him that this may make things better.

I left home that night and spend the night at a friends' place. the next day, i went home to pack up and return to my parents' home.

It was a tumultuous month, with me swinging between extremes of wanting to divorce, and then wanting to forgive. I even went to a lawyer to check how i could get divorced on grounds of adultery and unreasonable behavior. i even calculated all his assets, because i wanted to leave him with nothing.

During this period, i sometimes ignored his smses for days, and sometimes bombarded him with messages to ask why, to tell him how he destroyed me, to question him about the incident. i cried constantly and i became a different person entirely. I felt that the sun could never shine again in my life.

I went out with my friends to distract myself. at 2 of the parties i went to, people chatted me up even though i wasnt flirting with anyone. I was only there to have a good time with my friends. In my mind, i wanted to sleep with someone, to take revenge on him. but in the end, other than 2 kisses, I could bring myself to do anything else. all i could think of was him.

It's 3 months on, and a lot more has happened. In my mind, i have found all sorts of ways to justify his behavior, blaming it on bipolar depression (runs in his familly), his father's affair, his inability to resist peer pressure, me not being around for him because i was busy running a business on top of a full time job.

More facts:

-We had also been in marriage counselling since march, 8 months before the incident happened. and when it happened, we changed counsellors and went to someone recommended by a friend. we are still going to the counsellor now.

- he had been drinking till 2-3am 2-4 times a week with various 'friends' since february. the drinking sessions first started when because i was busy running a business on top of a full time job and did not have time for him in the evenings

- before november, our sex life was pretty active, and he was getting all the sex he wanted, he agreed when i asked him. he has no lack of sex, so sex is not the reason he did this.

- his dad has a violent and aggressive temper and has beaten his mum in front of his kids, causing his mum to have a miscarriage twice. His dad has a long time mistress who is still around today. His mum is a total pushover who sucks it all up. His sister has bipolar depression, so does his aunt.

- yes i have been diagnosed with herpes, which i never knew before because i had never had outbreaks.

- i have been fine for the past month, i moved home, we made progress at counseling. But i am having my first herpes outbreak and my entire world is crashing down again.

- he has no drinking problem, he only started his drinking nights because the only people he hung out with were people who drank heavily .

- He just has a really violent and explosive temper like his dad. he can become verbally abusive, even in public, but he has never hit me. the maximum he has done is grab my arm to stop me from walking away and cause minor bruise on my arm (i bruise easily). he is really mild when he is not angry. hence i think he has bipolar and the incident happened due to hypomania caused by drinking and an overly stimulative environment.

- when he was younger, 5-15 years ago, he used to frequent ktv lounges and massage parlours with sexual services. He went maybe a total of 10 times. He came clean with me about this before we got married. that was why i asked for the HIV test. i was completely ignorant about STDs and did not ask for it then.

- he knows how much i cannot tolerate infidelity, he knows how lowly i think of his dad and mum. he knows i immensely dislike him going to any ktvs, pubs and discos because of his past.

- he claims he has never cheated on his partner in any of his past 6 relationships.

- after a period of denial and thinking divorce is the best way out because i could never forgive him, he is not doing everything he can to help us move forward. he has taken the counsellors' advice and tried to control his temper.

- its not the first time he lied to me, but it is the first time he cheated on me sexually.

- between march - nov, he also went to some ktv lounges with one of his friend. They had hostesses, but strictly no groping or hanky panky. He hid it from me and i discovered it by chance in October. I wanted to divorce him then, but i decided it was not cheating. I am not sure if i forgave him for this.

- he had one other serious lie to me when we first begun dating. Two weeks into the relationship, he went o South Korea for a holiday with his friend. I went on a preplanned trip with another friend too. a month later, i chanced upon his ex-girlfriend's blog, and i found out that he actually went on the trip with his ex-gf. when i confronted him, he cried and broke down and begged, saying he went because she was unstable and threatening suicide after their breakup, and he didnt dare tell her that he was already in a new relationship. the trip was booked long ago and he did not want to waste the money etc. this was a permanent blemish on our relationship but I have already moved on and forgiven him completely for this.

- In March, i left home once after he went out drinking with friends, because i was so mad. i checked into a hotel. that night, he was sad and upset i left home and he went mad and drank heavily alone and scratched his car. and he also contacted his ex-girlfriend and even met her to clarify to seek 'closure for their messy ending'. He lied and this lie was uncovered by me. that was when we started going to marriage counselling. I am not sure if i ever forgave him for this incident. After the incident, i made up my mind that the business was taking away too much time from my marriage and i have since sold the business. it was at a decent profit, but it was also a heartbreaking decision because it was the first business i created from scratch and all my life, i wanted to owe my own business. He sacrificed too, he changed his phone number entirely.

- he has cut all relations with the group of 'friends' and he has stopped drinking late. we have set 'boundaries'. he spends a lot of his time with me now.

- I have told him i have zero tolerance for infidelity and i made him swear all sorts of promises to be faithful to me, before we got married. i did not believe that any cheater was worth a second chance and no woman should stay together with a cheater.

thats why i am so upset now, i have betrayed a very fundamental belief in my life. I have found so many reasons to try to forgive him. I have tried to hard to move on, beyond my own logical self. I work, have a successful career, and I can support myself financially, I dont have to depend on him. I come from a healthy and perfectly normal family with loving parents. I am in my late 20s and I have a chance to start all over again. Friends have encouraged me to leave because they think i am attractive and smart and he doesnt deserve me. My parents were devastated, but now they want me to forgive me.

A part of me really has died and changed since this incident. I dont know if i can ever be normal again. Given the above, I really hope to have your opinions on if you think this man can be forgiven, if i can ever have a happy marriage again. We are 3 years in May this year, and i can officially file for a divorce.

I believe i can be normal and happy again if i get a divorce. But i dont know if I can ever be truly happy and secure in this relationship again.

1,546 Posts
You have no children so I'd leave.
I know you think you love him but you are probably in love with the idea of who he could be or presented himself to be at some point. That's not who he is.

High testosterone won't make a man cheat. Being texted by your wife won't make you cheat. Only your own moral compass will lead you to cheat and its 100% your choice.

I don't see him taking full responsibility for his behaviour and I seriously doubt he never slept with the prostitute. But even if he didn't he's still a liar and a cheat.
He does not respect you and he's certainly not a man. He's like a 15 yr old boy.
I hope you move on and enjoy you life rather then stay with this child.
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