We have been together 19 yrs, 2 kids, 19 and 17, both still at home (rolling my eyes). For the last 9 years the hubs has been a truck driver. In jest I discribed it as being a married-single parent. Shrug, He's home 6 days a month max. Which means I live in OUR house, raise our kids, live our life alone for the most part. Not a traditional or ideal marriage but we managed to hold it together for 9 yrs. But I failed him.
The OM was a PA only. He's a low-life, in and out of jail, drug addict, alcoholic, man *****. He's also my BFF's brother. Turns out she knew. It went on for about 3 or 4 months, once or twice a month. I didn't call him, email, FB, nothing. We just won't like that. shrug, He'd call me to "hangout". I was able and allowed to hangout and drink with him for 3 years. Yeah he'd have a few to many and come on to me. Usually by trying to get my pants off while i was passed out. (rolling my eyes) I'd wake up and hit him, "WTF r u doing!?". And that was it. No EA, no touching convo's, no sweet nothings.
I'm not sure why i allowed this to happen. The sex with the hubs was good but i did want more. I told him I was like a 18 yr teenaged boy. That i think I've hit my peak and for right now ANYTHING goes. Shrug, he asked for nothing. In the last 4 years I lost over 100 pounds, bought costumes, planned romantic weekends were all he wanted to do was stay in and watch TV till he was ready to sleep. I KNOW he loves me. I know I'm the most important person in his life. I know he would never do such a thing to me. IDk, I wanted to be wanted? I wanted to be desired? I wanted more of my husband.
Yeah know, I was reading my diary and in 2009 he told me I was going to end up cheating on him. I shocked asked why. He said because truckers wives always complain that they're bored and lonely. My mother says he abandoned me then. I was complaining and telling him what I needed from him. Yet, Blaming him like that doesn't seem fair.
How he found out. He had me followed. He didn't have much but I didn't know that or care. I fessed up. No more lies or hiding. It was what it was.
Nothing I can say can make that ok. My actions, my bad.
Its been 3 weeks since DDay, I'm seeking marriage counseling. He has agreed but doesn't have faith in it. EVERYONE (i'm so tired of hearing that, i just care about what he things) Says it won't work. I'll just do it again. I agree to a point. If nothing changes the outcome will be the same.
I have stopped binge drinking because really, what ever happens the party is over for me. If I end up leaving I have to restart my life in the next state were my family can help me. I have given up my BFF (and only close friend) of 5 yrs cause she and her brother live in the next county and I now have no business going out there. I do have a job that keeps me busy, so i don't have so much time on my hands. The OM has yet to call me in the last 3 weeks. I hear he's been saved and getting Baptized. (rolling my eyes) I'm sure a piece of tail has more to do with that then the holy ghost. I honestly couldn't care less. Never did.
At the moment i'm out of the house on the weekends. Staying with my sister when he's in. He's not gonna cut me any slack. He's to hurt to let his pride do that.
We were happy once. I don't know what else to say.
I am trying to be as transparent as i can, available, and remorseful. I understand I betrayed him and hurt him badly. I can only hope that the good years we've had together will save me.
All I wanted was him.
The OM was a PA only. He's a low-life, in and out of jail, drug addict, alcoholic, man *****. He's also my BFF's brother. Turns out she knew. It went on for about 3 or 4 months, once or twice a month. I didn't call him, email, FB, nothing. We just won't like that. shrug, He'd call me to "hangout". I was able and allowed to hangout and drink with him for 3 years. Yeah he'd have a few to many and come on to me. Usually by trying to get my pants off while i was passed out. (rolling my eyes) I'd wake up and hit him, "WTF r u doing!?". And that was it. No EA, no touching convo's, no sweet nothings.
I'm not sure why i allowed this to happen. The sex with the hubs was good but i did want more. I told him I was like a 18 yr teenaged boy. That i think I've hit my peak and for right now ANYTHING goes. Shrug, he asked for nothing. In the last 4 years I lost over 100 pounds, bought costumes, planned romantic weekends were all he wanted to do was stay in and watch TV till he was ready to sleep. I KNOW he loves me. I know I'm the most important person in his life. I know he would never do such a thing to me. IDk, I wanted to be wanted? I wanted to be desired? I wanted more of my husband.
Yeah know, I was reading my diary and in 2009 he told me I was going to end up cheating on him. I shocked asked why. He said because truckers wives always complain that they're bored and lonely. My mother says he abandoned me then. I was complaining and telling him what I needed from him. Yet, Blaming him like that doesn't seem fair.
How he found out. He had me followed. He didn't have much but I didn't know that or care. I fessed up. No more lies or hiding. It was what it was.
Nothing I can say can make that ok. My actions, my bad.
Its been 3 weeks since DDay, I'm seeking marriage counseling. He has agreed but doesn't have faith in it. EVERYONE (i'm so tired of hearing that, i just care about what he things) Says it won't work. I'll just do it again. I agree to a point. If nothing changes the outcome will be the same.
I have stopped binge drinking because really, what ever happens the party is over for me. If I end up leaving I have to restart my life in the next state were my family can help me. I have given up my BFF (and only close friend) of 5 yrs cause she and her brother live in the next county and I now have no business going out there. I do have a job that keeps me busy, so i don't have so much time on my hands. The OM has yet to call me in the last 3 weeks. I hear he's been saved and getting Baptized. (rolling my eyes) I'm sure a piece of tail has more to do with that then the holy ghost. I honestly couldn't care less. Never did.
At the moment i'm out of the house on the weekends. Staying with my sister when he's in. He's not gonna cut me any slack. He's to hurt to let his pride do that.
We were happy once. I don't know what else to say.
I am trying to be as transparent as i can, available, and remorseful. I understand I betrayed him and hurt him badly. I can only hope that the good years we've had together will save me.
All I wanted was him.