Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 142 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
64 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We have been together 19 yrs, 2 kids, 19 and 17, both still at home (rolling my eyes). For the last 9 years the hubs has been a truck driver. In jest I discribed it as being a married-single parent. Shrug, He's home 6 days a month max. Which means I live in OUR house, raise our kids, live our life alone for the most part. Not a traditional or ideal marriage but we managed to hold it together for 9 yrs. But I failed him.

The OM was a PA only. He's a low-life, in and out of jail, drug addict, alcoholic, man *****. He's also my BFF's brother. Turns out she knew. It went on for about 3 or 4 months, once or twice a month. I didn't call him, email, FB, nothing. We just won't like that. shrug, He'd call me to "hangout". I was able and allowed to hangout and drink with him for 3 years. Yeah he'd have a few to many and come on to me. Usually by trying to get my pants off while i was passed out. (rolling my eyes) I'd wake up and hit him, "WTF r u doing!?". And that was it. No EA, no touching convo's, no sweet nothings.

I'm not sure why i allowed this to happen. The sex with the hubs was good but i did want more. I told him I was like a 18 yr teenaged boy. That i think I've hit my peak and for right now ANYTHING goes. Shrug, he asked for nothing. In the last 4 years I lost over 100 pounds, bought costumes, planned romantic weekends were all he wanted to do was stay in and watch TV till he was ready to sleep. I KNOW he loves me. I know I'm the most important person in his life. I know he would never do such a thing to me. IDk, I wanted to be wanted? I wanted to be desired? I wanted more of my husband.

Yeah know, I was reading my diary and in 2009 he told me I was going to end up cheating on him. I shocked asked why. He said because truckers wives always complain that they're bored and lonely. My mother says he abandoned me then. I was complaining and telling him what I needed from him. Yet, Blaming him like that doesn't seem fair.

How he found out. He had me followed. He didn't have much but I didn't know that or care. I fessed up. No more lies or hiding. It was what it was.

Nothing I can say can make that ok. My actions, my bad.

Its been 3 weeks since DDay, I'm seeking marriage counseling. He has agreed but doesn't have faith in it. EVERYONE (i'm so tired of hearing that, i just care about what he things) Says it won't work. I'll just do it again. I agree to a point. If nothing changes the outcome will be the same.

I have stopped binge drinking because really, what ever happens the party is over for me. If I end up leaving I have to restart my life in the next state were my family can help me. I have given up my BFF (and only close friend) of 5 yrs cause she and her brother live in the next county and I now have no business going out there. I do have a job that keeps me busy, so i don't have so much time on my hands. The OM has yet to call me in the last 3 weeks. I hear he's been saved and getting Baptized. (rolling my eyes) I'm sure a piece of tail has more to do with that then the holy ghost. I honestly couldn't care less. Never did.

At the moment i'm out of the house on the weekends. Staying with my sister when he's in. He's not gonna cut me any slack. He's to hurt to let his pride do that.

We were happy once. I don't know what else to say.

I am trying to be as transparent as i can, available, and remorseful. I understand I betrayed him and hurt him badly. I can only hope that the good years we've had together will save me.

All I wanted was him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
Well, this is tough. You have a husband who is all alone the vast majority of the time. We'll assume that while it was extremely hard, he remained faithful to you all that time.

So now, he gets to do the very same thing, which is a challenge for anyone, but he gets to do it while imagining and wondering whether or not you can be trusted.

I wouldn't worry about the nay-sayers who are telling you it won't work. They really don't know what they're talking about. This does all come down to your husband's ability to learn to trust you.

The sad thing is--that lying this way really does kill romantic love. All you can do is be totally transparent--give him all passwords and access to your cell phone bill etc. Also, stay in touch with him throughout your day and describe what you're doing and account for your time. It will be very hard to build back his trust because he's so far away, but this is about the only thing, in addition to marriage counseling, that I can think to do.

My only other advice is don't rush him to heal. Don't get tired of answering questions, don't get defensive when he wants to go over something that you already talked about 50,000x. That's easy to agree to do 3 weeks out, but try 6 months out, one year out. For a cheating spouse who truly wants to reform, that is where the patience tends to run thin.

What are his options for changing careers? Any chance he can get something closer to home?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
We were happy once. I don't know what else to say.

I am trying to be as transparent as i can, available, and remorseful. I understand I betrayed him and hurt him badly. I can only hope that the good years we've had together will save me.

All I wanted was him.
I am sorry to hear that.

I wish waywards would realize the possible ramifications before they choose to cheat.

Most marriages fail after an affair.

Some limp along for years, but eventually the faithful spouse realizes they can't let go of the pain until they leave.

There are a handful of success stories here.

You might get better help on the reconciliation board.

Those are people who seemed to stay together after cheating. They may be better able to offer you pointers on how to win back your spouse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
64 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Options on Careers. He's now talking about selling his trucks and trying to start a car lot. As for shift work, it doesn't pay enough to keep the house going even with my pay. Besides we live in a factory area. With all the lay offs It took me a year to find a job and I have 10 yrs experience. My son took 2 yrs. The job market sux. Another reason I'd have to move to the next state.

We have been also talking about outting up camera's in the house. Not only because of me but the teenagers too. I could go with him more if we could still keep an eye on whats going on while we're gone. If we make it that far.

We have always been one of those couples that do better the more we're together.

Yes, he also said the same thing. That he was out alone too and didn't cheat. He said hes had opportunities and didn't. True. I don't expect a get out of free card. Just understanding. His days are filled with his job from morning to night. He gets in that truck and leaves me behind to carry on with our life without him. Going to family events, to his family events without him. It's like we were already living separate in a lot of ways. It's not like he was home every night and I choice to spend time with another.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
Yes, he also said the same thing. That he was out alone too and didn't cheat. He said hes had opportunities and didn't. True. I don't expect a get out of free card. Just understanding.

His days are filled with his job from morning to night. He gets in that truck and leaves me behind to carry on with our life without him.

Going to family events, to his family events without him. It's like we were already living separate in a lot of ways. It's not like he was home every night and I choice to spend time with another.
If you want to save your marriage your going to have to try to dispense with your personal pity party.

So, your husband is out busting his butt to earn a living any way he can. And, so you are lonely.

That is no excuse to cheat.

If you were unhappy you could have asked him to take you with him, as you are now doing.

You could have also asked for a divorce.

In your first post it doesn't sound like you want a divorce.

Still, I can assure you, if you start blameshifting your spouse may show you the door.

You cheated and you are skating on thin ice now.

Eat crow and woman up and take the blame, otherwise you are going to lose this game.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,034 Posts
Options on Careers. He's now talking about selling his trucks and trying to start a car lot. As for shift work, it doesn't pay enough to keep the house going even with my pay. Besides we live in a factory area. With all the lay offs It took me a year to find a job and I have 10 yrs experience. My son took 2 yrs. The job market sux. Another reason I'd have to move to the next state.

We have been also talking about outting up camera's in the house. Not only because of me but the teenagers too. I could go with him more if we could still keep an eye on whats going on while we're gone. If we make it that far.

We have always been one of those couples that do better the more we're together.

Yes, he also said the same thing. That he was out alone too and didn't cheat. He said hes had opportunities and didn't. True. I don't expect a get out of free card. Just understanding. His days are filled with his job from morning to night. He gets in that truck and leaves me behind to carry on with our life without him. Going to family events, to his family events without him. It's like we were already living separate in a lot of ways. It's not like he was home every night and I choice to spend time with another.
Hi Grace sorry you are here I was wondering what your marriage would look like if he was home all the time ? on one hand you are used to doing things your way or on your own but all of a sudden he is their 24/7 would this change some of your thoughts and feelings about him being gone all the time ??
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
64 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I am talking the blame. I told him for the last 4 years i Needed more of him. For the last 3 years he's had a truck with only one bunk. He JUST bought another truck with two bunks, 4 weeks ago. Just before he found out.

Yes I feel sorry for myself. I blame myself. Yes we had problems but I through the grenade. I hate what I've done to him, myself, our marriage, our family. It IS all my fault. So yes I feel sorry for myself. And I don't expect anyone else to feel sorry for me. I did this. I allowed it to happen. It didn't just happen. I allowed it.

I know it will take the rest of my life to make it up to him, is he allows me to. He's worth it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
933 Posts
Not going to lie.

You don't sound sorry.
You sound...regretful you got caught.

I bet if you hadn't gotten caught, the affair would've ended, and that would be that.

And your good memories don't mean jack sh!t to him.

I have great memories of going to Disney World with my dad when I was younger.
That memory was killed when he hit me in the face with a frying pan (long story)

So you two have a bunch of great memorieses. Well take your photo albums, then drop them in some mud, and that is what your memories are. Worthless. Tainted.

You better plan to do more than just bank on your 'grand ole' memories we shared.'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
933 Posts
By the way, great choice for an AP.

I always heard women cheat up. They cheat with a man that earns more, or earns the same but is more attractive.

A drug addict alcholic. I wonder what attracted you to him...

And people told me nice guys don't finish last...
Just like they told me Santa Claus snuck down my chimney for cookies and milk.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
64 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I don't want him to feel sorry for me either. Just understand I always just wanted him.

I'm trying to be there for him as much as he will let me. Answering every call and text, not hanging up no matter how bad it gets. At first I wouldn't cry in front of him. He shouldn't be comforting me. But he didn't think I was sorry or wanted him tell I had a complete melt down, histarically cry and begging him not to leave me. Later he said he was surprised. So now i cry when it hurts me too.

Most convos have been very civil and clean. Not much mud slinging. I'm an open book, raw. No need to fight. Not much gets done that way anyways (19 yrs together, we've learned how to fight constructively).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
64 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I'd rather him home all the time. We we're one of those couples that get along better the more we are together. Always has been.

Broken. I ain't mad at you. Your right. Your like the half of him that hates me. He's said some of those very things.

Why the low-life? No emotional atachments on either side, and he wanted me. wish I could say it was more than that but sadly not so.

If I hadn't got caught. It would have gone on for IDK how long. Till I got tired of being a botty call or he didn't want it anymore.

I REALLY lowered myself there. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. All that affair did was make me feel bad about myself. I don't know why I allowed that and continued it. I really don't understand that myself
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
933 Posts
I'd rather him home all the time. We we're one of those couples that get along better the more we are together. Always has been.

Broken. I ain't mad at you. Your right. Your like the half of him that hates me. He's said some of those very things.
Well I am 20 and watching my parents rip each other apart.
So how much love and support do you think I am getting from them? So if I sound mean, understand, I get zero love at home.

Why the low-life? No emotional atachments on either side, and he wanted me. wish I could say it was more than that but sadly not so.
I think I know why. Girls love bad boys. Otherwise, I wouldn't hear about all these dead beat dads in jail.
And I don't feel sorry for women dumb enough to get with these men. What the hell are you expecting? For them to become responsible magically once you pop out a kid?
The guy was a dead beat! Don't expect him to change!

If I hadn't got caught. It would have gone on for IDK how long. Till I got tired of being a botty call or he didn't want it anymore.
And this really concerns me.
You got zero problem with being a booty call to a complete loser, when you have a hard working husband.

That says I am a winning mate.
"Have fun at work today honey. Can't wait to see you in 3 weeks. I'll bu busy sleeping with an ex-inmate while you work your ass off to pay for my life style. Love ya!"

Get why he doesn't love you?

I REALLY lowered myself there. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. All that affair did was make me feel bad about myself. I don't know why I allowed that and continued it. I really don't understand that myself
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
64 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
No booze, at all. None in the house. Done.

Broken: Your fine, just don't hit below the belt. I'm hurting too. ok. You haven't yet. But your getting close. Try and remember I haven't done anything to you. K?

The bad boy. I didn't want him to change. I didn't want anything from him. He was going to jail at the beginning of this month if he didn't pay 200. He doesn't have it, I do. He didn't ask. If he did ask I won't have given it to him. Thats his problem. I won't even visit him. He is what he is.

Yeah, know. He's says it's worse than a EA/PA affair. At least then he could understand it. I get that too.

I cant protect him from the truth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
He's says it's worse than a EA/PA affair. At least then he could understand it. I get that too.

I cant protect him from the truth.
Don't bank on this statement too much. There is no form of an affair that is "good" and this is something he's just saying out of raw pain. Believe me, if you were exchanging I love you's with the addict along with the sex, your husband would be in a new dimension of pain.

So where do the two of you stand on going to counseling? Is that a tough thing because he's on the road? Some counselors will do this stuff by phone. However, you need one who will not minimize your infidelity and sweep it under the rug. You'd be surprised how often that happens, and even the cheater is appalled.
 
1 - 20 of 142 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top