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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I'm not married, but I'm still looking for this kind of advice and help. I've been with my guy for almost 8 years--since I was a sophomore in high school (I'm now almost 24 years old). So where to begin? I have talked to so many people--counselors included--all with no relief. The counselor and my family are telling me to run, but I don't want to give up on him when we've been through so much together, both good and bad, and have had what I think to be true love.

Things haven't been the same in the past year or so...I have told him I feel like we don't talk as much or as meaningfully as we used to and I need that to feel secure in our love. He says we don't need to have deep, meaningful conversations, which is not what I need...I just need to talk once in a while...scheme and dream about our future..if we have one, for example.

I've read the other posts about guys not standing up for their wives, but I figure I may as well started a new post. Anyway so his mom doesn't think I'm any good for him. We are each others' first real love/relationship. She wants him to date around, which isn't necessarily a bad thing in general, but we were so happy together and I honestly felt like he was the one. His mother is not shy at all to share how she feels about me and the rest of the family seem to be scared to say anything to her, including her own husband. She is definitely the alpha in the family..no question there. She always gets her way and pouts and throws fits when she doesn't and makes life awful for everyone when she's mad.

She hasn't always hated me though. Back in high school I was what you'd call a "goody two-shoes." So I'm not that person as much as I used to be. I've matured much since then, and made mistakes as we all do in growing up, but I strongly feel that I am and always have been a good person. I have never cheated on him. I have always loved and supported him. I encourage him all the time. He will be the first to say that it was because of me believing in him that he decided to go to college.

This really is hard to provide a complete picture when it's been so many years of crap. He tells me that she has legitimate reasons sometimes for disliking me, but she sees me as a one-sided coin, and doesn't see the good in me. Since the time she kicked him out of the house just days before Christmas (all to make a point that her house curfew rules wouldn't be broken), she has been giving me the silent treatment anytime we go over to visit. He is really close with his dad. She will actually get up and leave the room where the rest of his family and I are talking and just sit there and stare at her computer or do anything just to not be in the same room as me. She will speak to everyone in the house but me while I am there. Makes me wonder what she would do if I addressed her directly. Woudl she just ignore me? The rest of the family (minus her parents who are just like her) really do like me.

So this is probably the worst thing that 's ever happened. Last Christmas, I was really upset bc I wasn't working very much (I was a full-time double major back then) and was stressed that I didn't have the money to buy nice gifts for my family and his. So I called him after work and talked to him about it. He was already over at his grandparents (mom's parents) house waiting for me to get out of work and go over too. His mom and her parents got really mad that I had him on the phone when we was supposed to be visiting with them.

I felt like I needed him to support me as I was very upset and in tears..looking back now I shouldn't have been so upset but I needed him. He wanted me to come over anyway in tears and looking awful bc he wouldn't leave their house even just for 5 min to give me a hug and get me feeling ok enough to go for the dinner with him. He says they would've been ticked had he left even for 1 minute. So it got to the point where he said don't come over, they're mad at you. I ended up going over anyway--just to apologize for keeping him away from their dinner and that's when all hell broke lose. His grandpa told me I needed to grow up in the most rude and horrible tone and his mom came stomping out from the back room to say that he has been putting up with my crap for too long. So at that point, I was crying hysterically and the only once who had my back was his dad! He told them to shut up and gave me a big hug. So I left and went to my parents and he stayed at his family's house for their get-together. My family was there for me and I don't feel like he was. He said nothing.

Now we are at the point where if I text her to tell her anything..for example good news that I graduated from college...she doesn't answer and calls her son to tell him to tell me she doesn't care I graduated and for me to never call or text her again. I wonder if he doesn't have my back now, will he ever? She has now banned me from their house so she doesn't have to put up with me for the holidays. I know he's going to go without me. I hate that she is constantly making him chose between me and his family/her. Makes me feel unvalued. Any thoughts? I know this probably sounds really jumbled and it is..

The things she doesn't like about me are things that are wrong with her as well..but she doesn't see it that way. I'm at the point where I don't think I can help him..he is a really good person and I love him but I can't deal with her hating me for no good reason my entire life. What if we had kids? I wouldn't want them being around her, for fear she would rub off on them. She is childish and controlling and a bad-hearted person.
 

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She sounds like a horrible person & your b/f is afraid of her so will most likely never stand up to her. Don't "hope" he will change.

Hope is not a plan.

Don't waste your time trying to nice the toxicity out of an energy vampire.

I have a daughter your age. I would tell her to not have ANYTHING to do with her & if this causes too many problems with her b/f being in the middle then to re-think the relationship & what the future will look like.

Remember when you marry someone, you also "marry" their families whether they are a toxic or not.

It would be too much drama for me.
 

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You're not going to win this one. No matter what you do, she's his momma and this will trump you and your needs EVERY TIME. The only way it changes is if your boyfriend stands up to her and stands up for you. He's not mature enough to do that. Will he ever be? Who knows.

Should you wait around for this magical day to happen? If you were my daughter I would tell you hell no and you can find another man that will put you above all others. He's not the last on earth, I don't care how long you've been with him. My daughter is 24. I raised her to be a woman that can stand alone and demand respect from any guy she's with. If they can't handle that, then they need to keep it moving.

Maybe that's what you need to do. Keep it moving.
 

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You can see what the male/female relationship is in the family by looking at his mother/father realtionship. Mom is overbearing and Dad just takes it.

So he's used to his mother being dominant over him and will continue to do so. He will also look to you as the female in the relationship to be dominant over him. That would work for the two of you (if you are the dominant type), however he can't have two dominant women in his life (hence the reason why Mom hates your guts... you are competition). Unless Mom has one foot in the grave, you will have to fight this battle for a long time.

TL;DR - you aren't going to win. Get out.
 

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You really want to be with a mamma's boy? Do you want to spend the rest of your life being conditioned the your mother in law wants and needs?Why do you want her to appreciate you so much? You self worth is not measured by how much that woman likes/dislikes you.
People like that only respect someone, when someone has the backbone to ignore them. When that happens, they feel they lost their "power".

ps- Crying and behaving hysterically isnt doing you any favors. Stop trying to make them accept you and move on. Dont let yourself be talked and treated that way.
 

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I totally agree with the others. He's not going to change and will never stand up for you.

If your holding onto hope, your going to be holding onto it for a very long time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Wow!!! It made me soo happy to see all your responses. Thank you! It definitely makes me feel better knowing there are good people out there who care enough to share their opinions with people they don't even know. :) :) she isn't even his biological mother. She's his step-mom, but on the other hand (from what little bits I know of his real mom) the step-mom is the best mom he has had in his life. So sort of no matter how bad she is...she is still the best he has known.

I guess I care how she treats me bc after all this time, I have started to consider his family my "extended family" or in-law family already. The rest of his family are like family to me. No, I don't want to be stuck with a mama's boy..I guess I'm hoping he will tell her that I am his girl..that he chose me and when she puts me down, she is putting him down bc he chose me and still chooses to stay with me. His dad has told me he is surprised I have stayed and put up with it this long. :(

My bf has told me he doesn't see why I can't just ignore her..that she is the only person in the world who would love to see us broken up..why can't I ignore just one person? But it's bc it's his family and sort of mine, the way I've been looking at it. I don't want to blame him for things he can't control. He isn't them after all. I do agree it's too much drama. It's been a source of unhappiness for a least a year for me. :( I feel like by not standing up to her, he is giving her the green light to continue on treating me badly. My parents think it's emotional abuse..the silent treatment and ignoring. It really has affected my self esteem at this point. I'm not myself in their house bc I feel like an outsider. My parents tell me I don't carry myself like I matter anymore.

It's just sad bc I love him and always will. He is my best friend and I wish I could save him from her..I wish I could help his dad. I feel so bad for their family. :(. I wouldn't consider myself the "dominant type"...just the type who refuses to stand by and be a doormat. Most girls would fight back directly or quit trying to make an effort but I have never stopped trying. She is so stubborn. I am too, but in a good way I think..to try to fix the issues whatever they may be. So should I ignore her behavior altogether or give up hope on a relationship with him? I would give anything to keep him, make him happy, and be his girl. I would stand up to anyone for him. Anyone. Wish he could see me that way and love me like that. Maybe he is immature.
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Ok here's another question: should I stop caring and be the strong person who has the "backbone to ignore her?" That might help the situation if she starts to respect me, but that doesn't help him any..that gets rid of the need for him to have my back. Is this flaw in him a "deal-breaker" or so to speak?
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. . . .What if we had kids? I wouldn't want them being around her, for fear she would rub off on them. She is childish and controlling and a bad-hearted person.
Precisely the types of questions/scenarios you need to be thinking about and I would suggest the answer is abundantly clear.

My Wife married into a similar mother-in-law situation. And while my Wife and I my are 100% mano-a-man/back-to-back, until my Mother passed, it was never easy and always a battle.

In fact, we moved across the country, in part, to get our children away from the day-to-day manipulation and we frankly had to monitor interactions and holidays.

In my opinion, short of medication, people don’t change when they behave like this. If you’re not walking into the game with a strong bench you’re going to get clobbered.
 

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Ok here's another question: should I stop caring and be the strong person who has the "backbone to ignore her?" That might help the situation if she starts to respect me, but that doesn't help him any..that gets rid of the need for him to have my back. Is this flaw in him a "deal-breaker" or so to speak?
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First and foremost respect yourself and don't let yourself be treated that way. IMO, if you continue to let yourself be disrespect by her and her family, sooner or later, the son will follow.
 

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Ok here's another question: should I stop caring and be the strong person who has the "backbone to ignore her?" That might help the situation if she starts to respect me, but that doesn't help him any..that gets rid of the need for him to have my back. Is this flaw in him a "deal-breaker" or so to speak?
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Here’s where its will come down eventually. Mom will find some issue and give her Son an ultimatum “Me or your Wife”.

You need to fairly assess whether or not he has the fortitude and commitment to you and/or your children to do the right thing.
 

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Here’s where its will come down eventually. Mom will find some issue and give her Son an ultimatum “Me or your Wife”.

You need to fairly assess whether or not he has the fortitude and commitment to you and/or your children to do the right thing.
I don't think it would come to that. manipulative people like Mom know that their power comes from not giving someone a chance to call their bluff.

Boyfriend is conditioned to be a beta guy. Even more so since it sounds like stepmom took the place of a real winner of a bio-mom and son needs to continue to show gratitude by being complacent.

OP is in a no-win situation. Keep quiet and live in a world of misery when it comes to Mom. Speak up, grow a backbone and she runs the real risk of driving a wedge between Mom and son and Mom will win.

The only way to win is a physical separation... more across the country... and live their lives away from family. (Of course she will get blamed for that but it is less "in-your-face".)
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
My parents have suggested we move away and I'm all set up to next December..our lease on our apartment is up and I will be ready for PA graduate school then. All of the schools I'm looking at are far away! He doesn't know at this point if he would go with me..in part bc I think he would be sad to leave his dad alone to deal with her..also bc as I said above, our love isn't as strong as it used to be. He would never alienate his family bc he loves the rest of them, including his dad. It's hard to alienate one of them without doing it to all of them. We signed the last lease under the agreement we would try to decide if the relationship can be saved..and he would decide to go with me to school or not.. Ugh guys:(
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I see both sides...

Because if i'm being honest, I'm sure if I had a son and thought he was making a big mistake by dating someone... I would encourage him to break up with her...and that means I would probably be pretty cold with her...

( but see...in my head...if I didn't approve of his gf...I know it would be for a legitimate reason...because I trust my own judgement...just as his mother does hers)

My point is, I can't say that her disapproving of you and letting her son know about it is wrong...because i think she has a right to inform her son that she doesnt like his gf

(and I can't make a judgement on her judgement of you...even if I knew both of you in person...the fact remains that judgement is subjective)

However, while I wouldnt expect her to be warm and fuzzy...I certainly do not approve of her petty and immature behavior towards you, even if she doesn't like you...that reflects very poorly on her character...the college graduation thing/silent treatment/etc is very juvenile...

Now my thoughts from your perspective...

I would consider this a HUGE HUGE deal killer with any guy.

He does nothing when she's openly rude to you and by spending the holidays with them while you've been banished from their house...basically implies he's okay with that treatment.

That's not what 'true love'looks like to me...

If he lives in her home...he's in a precarious spot...still, that should be motivation for him to get out on his own and stop living under her thumb...and if he hasn't done that...it's another red flag that's he's not a good bet long term

Honestly, In my experience, domineering women often raise 'weak' sons...so she's probably done him a huge disservice by 'making' him this way

But it is what it is...

And if he's been so henpecked by his overbearing mother that there's a good chance you'll always be the 'other' woman in his life...I'd say BUH-BYE!! ( and consider yourself lucky that you found out now)

You can do better than that...
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
You have a very good perspective IndiaInk...I really respect that you can see both sides. Although I'm not a mother, I can guarantee I'd feel the same about my children. They would deserve nothing but the best bc they were mine.. :) I wish she could see the good in me, like he obviously does or did. Oh man...anyone would say they're a good person but I know I must be. I care so deeply about the feelings of others..even hers!!! My sensitivity is what gets me hurt so very often..
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Yes, she must truly believe she is doing the right thing by trying to run me off. Wish parents wouldn't meddle. At the same time, no matter how bad the son or daughters significant other is, when the son or daughter is an adult..we gotta trust them to make their own choices, even if that means making mistakes. That's how we learn.
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I don't believe by what you've said that this woman is such a horrible person. There are two sides to every story and we are only getting one side. She may very well have reason to dislike you, even if you don't know what it is.

The problem here is most likely your BF. If my now SIL came on here ten years ago talking about how her bf's sister hated her and was mean and manipulative, people would have jumped up to believe and defend her. But the reality behind the scenes was my brother telling me how much he didn't want to be with her anymore, how she was clingy and annoying and wouldn't give him room to breathe. How he wanted to break it off with her but just couldn't. So I saw my brother in an unhappy relationship and no one else saw it because it was only told to me. Her and I had A LOT of problems because of all the bad things I heard about her from my brother. He ended up marrying her but she still today brings up how mean I was. Which isn't the complete truth but she will never know because she just thinks I was lying to her and sabatoging their relationship.

You need to talk to your bf and find out why his mother feels this way about you and what he does to discourage it. If he doesn't do anything then I would say you need to move on.
 

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I guess my point is that you have been with him for 8 years. It is possible that whenever he has been down, frustrated, mad or anything negative in regards to you and the relationship she may have been the person he vented to. Which would leave a bad taste in her mouth in regards to you. I would ask him if that is the case. I know I've been guilty of it and have had friends really hate some bf's because they never hear all the great things, just the bad.
 

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I guess my point is that you have been with him for 8 years. It is possible that whenever he has been down, frustrated, mad or anything negative in regards to you and the relationship she may have been the person he vented to. Which would leave a bad taste in her mouth in regards to you. I would ask him if that is the case. I know I've been guilty of it and have had friends really hate some bf's because they never hear all the great things, just the bad.
True!!!

And you know what? We're not in love with them so it's easier for us to maintain a bad taste over anything we've heard. While you have forgiven and forgotten and fallen back in love, we're like .... um no bueno.
 
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