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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am a newly married wife. I met my husband at work and I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. We dated for almost 2 years then got married in June 2012. Long story short while I was dating my husband my girlfriend introduced me to one of her guy friends, every time I went out with her, she kept talking about the OM and telling me that I would look great with him. One day I went out with her and the OM called her so she gave me the phone because he wanted to say hi to me and I accepted to talk to him then few days later he texted me on my phone and told me that my girlfriend gave him my number. Then he kept texting me more often just saying hi and wishing me a good day and then I kept texting him back.
My husband started getting suspicious and kept asking me what’s wrong but I never admitted anything so we started fighting a lot. My husband caught me texting and talking to OM few times and I always found and excuse and started laying to him because I just could tell him the truth. I talked with the OM for 6 months; I met with him for coffee three times there was no kissing or touching ever involved. My husband kept asking me to tell him the whole truth and I always told him only some parts of the story and leave some behind. We got engaged then few months later we got married. Before we got engaged I told my husband that I spoke with the OM almost every day for 6 months and that I met with him 3 times, I told him that I stopped talking to OM and that I have no feeling for him what’s so ever. I begged him to forgive me for what I have done to him and promised him that I would never ever hurt him again in my life.
He forgave me and promised me that he would never mention that again in my life. So now after almost 5 months of married he keeps telling me that he does not trust me and that he can’t seem to forgive me. We are fighting a lot and he picks on me for every little thing, everything that I do seem wrong to him. I need help because I just don’t know what to do.
 

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You have eroded the trust in your relationship right before your marriage.
You did cheat on him, this was an emotional affair (ea) and then you lied to him and trickle truthed him.
To many men these are the most crushing parts of an affair, to some even worse than a ONS.
Your husband deserved better than this from you, it is sad (not bashing you here).

Now he cannot be sure about you, do you know how hard that is?

Every time you go out, every time you text.
He also can only assume that he is no longer your first choice, that once you find a better man you will be his, and your husband will be broken.

Your only hope is to show true remorse (by actions) and give him full transparancy.

I will try to posr some info on this later when I get to a computer.

It could be now that you killed your newborn marriage right at birth.

It does not sound like you have taken FULL responsibility for this, you keep implicating your friend, you did this, and she is no friend of your marriage, she posined your relationship, she has to go, are you sure she is not after your husband herself?

If you cant do the work to rebuild and be faithful, then do him a favor and get an annulment or divorce.

You made a damaging choice, im sorry for you and him
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Totally agree with OP.
We all make mistakes but DO NOT RISK having kids in this relationship unless/until you manage to work this out fully.

Untrusting parents become devestating to their kids as life throws more challenges at you. The model you as a part of nature.

If you can't work things out when it's just the two of you, what chance have you got with little ones adding to your stresses and duties?

I feel everything is solvable except if my spouse is holding back. If you don't tell him everything upfront then you must have something to hide (is how he might see it).
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you replying to my post. That is very true that I have eroded the trust in my marriage. I am trying to show him that he is the only one for me, I tell him every step that I take, every day that I go out for lunch break I text him and tell him where am at and with whom I am having lunch. I try to spend as much time as I possibly can with him.
 

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Taking responsibility is fantastic, looking him in the eye and telling him you won't ever hold back again and that you are sure he's the only man you want is an essential. You need to mean it, so take some time to be sure first.

Then give it a little time. Trust problems are a slippery slope. If he seems to want revenge or you find yourself holding back again then you are better off learning and leaving.

If he accepts your apology and you rebuild the trust just give it more time i.e. at least 1 year before any big committments.

I strongly advise against txt'ing your every move to him. You are teaching him to control you, not trust you. You'll see I only joined the site a couple of days ago so I'll leave it to the more experienced members to comment on this.

My opinion is don't lose your dignity and your freedom.
Win his trust by loving him. If you love him completely there will never be anything to conceal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Dear Poet,
I feel so bed for what i have done to him and I been punishing myself. I don't even go out anymore with my girlfriend or my co-workers when there is a get together or a party. I don't mind doing all of that if he only seem to see a change on me. He constantly tells me that I need to change and that we can't keep going like this and I don't know what else to do.
 

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Youandi,
Infidelity is unlike anything else in life except the death of a spouse.
I think you are sincere but you are inexperienced here.
Example, to think he could never mention it again, not posiible however sincere.

A betrayed spouse goes through stages similar to he stages of grief, and because you two did not realize it, but rugswept it, he (and you) are not working with those stages.
Btw, later i will post those stages here, from a computer, on phone now.

Please dont hold any of the fighting and stuff that has happened till now against him, get into what we call reconcilliation first and you will both have a better idea where you are.

I would encourage you to have him post in the coping with infidelity section (have him pm me if he does)
And there are some veteran posters there that can help guide the two of you through this.


Take care!
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He will never trust you 100% again because, face it, you lied so much to him. He probaby shouldn't have married you (no offense) since he knew he could not trust you.

All you can do is show him through actions that you are now being honest and never have contact with OM again. Your girl friend doesn't sound like a friend of your relationship if she was trying to push other men on you when you were engaged.

Marriage counselling? Talk to your husband about how you feel. If nothing improves, decide whether you want to stay married or not. I'd give him the same advice.



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I would not trust you either, but then again I never would have married a person that could not handle being emotionally involved with one person. You did not stay faithful even though you were in the easiest part of a relationship. You still had infatuation.

Have you dumped your girlfriend? She is toxic to the marriage. She pushed you into the OM. That is not excusing your behavior, after all you had free will. But as a spouse that person would have to be gone. Maybe that would help with your husband.

Also, I would forget about girls night out. You could not handle that luxury. Better to find friendship with other couples.

Do you guys have kids?
 

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Have you dumped your girlfriend? She is toxic to the marriage. She pushed you into the OM. That is not excusing your behavior, after all you had free will. But as a spouse that person would have to be gone. Maybe that would help with your husband.

Also, I would forget about girls night out. You could not handle that luxury. Better to find friendship with other couples.
:iagree:

Your girlfriend was completely disrespectful to you and your husband. If you want to maintain a healthy marriage you need to drop people who would encourage you to give your affections to a man you are not married to.

I also agree with an earlier poster that he was rug-sweeping when he said he'd never bring it up again. He may have been in shock still over the betrayal and having been in that position I sympathize. You don't want to think about it, and rug-sweeping (at the time) can seem like the best way to cope.

While I do agree that you don't want to be controlled, you do need to understand that he WILL need transparency right now before he can begin healing.

I would think twice about a girls nights out.
 

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Youandi. I'm going to assume you are being 100% honest here and that you are truly remorseful. Here are some things that can help a lot.

1. Have a talk with hubby. The talk needs to be about how the relationship is truly strained because of what you did. You know he lost trust in you, and for very good reasons. But is this a marriage he actually wants? If he does, then explain how you're not asking him to trust you right now, but to work with you to fix the problem. Reassure him about EVERYTHING and ask him to work with you to allow you to PROVE to him that he can trust you again and that it was a REALLY bad mistake on your part.
2. Have FULL transparency with him. Give him a document with every password to everything you have. And PROMOTE him to check on you. NEVER take the stance of "it's my privacy". There is no privacy in marriage, just trust and respect. (IE I don't snoop through my wife's facebook. Not because I can't, I have full access to everything of hers, but because I don't feel the need. I trust her and I also have the respect for her to not do CIA level snooping.
3. Drop contact with that girlfriend. Who pushes another guy on you when you're in a serious relationship. She's toxic.
4. Keep not going out with friends or if you do want to go, ask to go as a couple.
5. Go to counseling. Take full responsibility on why you need to go, ask him from the stand point of "I know I messed up and I want to fix it, will you go with me." If he doesn't want to, go to individual counseling to help you learn boundaries. If the counselor starts assigning blame to him or giving you a pass for your behavior, find a new counselor.
6. NEVER EVER get defensive. Always answer every question, even if you don't feel it's right, with FULL DETAIL. Never blame him about your actions.

You should be able to repair your marriage if you do those things.
 

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Okay. Two things are at play here.

There is what YOU did. You lied and you lied. You SAID that you never touched him, kissed him, did anything physical with him, but you, my dear, are a LIAR and he knows it. You may not be a liar NOW, but you certainly were a liar for six months.

All he can remember is you looking him straight in the eye and saying 'I didn't do it' and you were convincing enough for him to drop it...until more information came his way. So NOW you are looking at him with an utterly convincing face, telling him that it was a mistake, it meant nothing. What is he supposed to think?

The other thing is you are in the 6 month mark of marriage. It's when the reality of 'foresaking all others' is happening. Your husband is bleeding in the water and the shark *****es are picking up on that. He is also leaving the honeymoon phase of the marriage where the hard work starts...and the marriage is already staggering.

Now, this is a rather negative perspective, BUT I CAN help you.

Then you sit him down as say this:

"I told you exactly what happened, and you don't believe me. Why should you? I am a known liar. But I don't have to STAY a liar. While I am totally responsible for continuing what happened, I didn't really START what happened. So let me fix a big problem in MY life and OUR marriage."

Then you call that POS girlfriend of yours. She is a hell of a sh*tty friend. While your husband is there, you say:

"Hi, it's X. You introduced me to POS and you PUSHED him and PUSHED him on me. I don't know why but that was incredibly disrespectful to my husband, to my choice and it's been toxic to my marriage. I told you I was taken but you didn't listen and you GAVE HIM MY NUMBER. I didn't tell you to do that. Now I'm paying a STEEP price for you playing games."

"So I want you to know that when I hang up this phone, I will not be speaking to you, seeing you in any social capacity, texting you or hanging out with you. I know I was responsible to KEEP seeing him, but having your hovering and giving it your approval did NOT help! I was ENGAGED for God's Sakes!"

Then you hang up. You defriend her on Facebook, Twitter etc. You block her from your cell phone (or get a new number) and you block her from your email WHILE YOUR HUSBAND WATCHES.

You send a short email message to all your OTHER friends acknowledging what YOU did wrong, but that X friend had a responsibility and you were cutting her out for her BLATANT disrespect to your finance'/boyfriend/husband. Please don't invite you to functions she is invited to. Yes, you are serious and no, you don't want to talk about it.

At that point, you tell your husband: "I am not going out with any of my friends until you say it's okay. But I am telling you right now, that even if you say it's okay RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I am not going out with them anyway for at least 6 months to a year. Even if you push. I am TOTALLY invested in this marriage thing and I can't think of what else to do to prove it to you. The ball is in your court now."

If you work with the GF, change jobs. If you live near her, suggest you move.

That is a Wake the F Up Moment for your husband. This doesn't guarantee fixing things, but he can't doubt your sincerity after that. If HE isn't invested, then you'll know at this point.
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Now, I can hear you thinking: But...she's a REALLY good friend. I've kn own her for X years and we've laughed/cried/danced/double dated before...

Okay. But understand that you are choosing your FRIEND who peed in your husband's face and your marriage over your husband, the guy who swore to love, honor and support you.

So the choice is yours.
 
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He forgave me and promised me that he would never mention that again in my life.
You made him promise that? Honestly, i think i was a total sucker to marry you when you proved so untrustworthy before the marriage. But i wouldn't place some timeline for him. There are people here that took years to somewhat recover from episodes like this.

And he probably will never fully trust you. He would actually be a stupid man if he did. It's not like you haven't opened that door before.
 

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Your friend said you would look great with this other guy? That's really your only excuse? Didn't you think...well I look great with my current guy and I love him so ...no thanks (to put it mildly).

You are responsible for what you do, what comes out of your mouth, and what journeys between your legs!

Show him you've understood that concept now and have grown up a bit! If he spends years trying to forgive you and a friend says you'd look great with...
Your friend needs to grow up too!

If you don't love him and feel that you look great together then you've got to get out.
 

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Get yourself in counseling asap. Your marriage is in crisis-mode & you need all the help you can get. Your life should consist of work, home & chores right now. Your phone should always be in plain view of your husband. Delete your FB account. Hopefully your actions will help your husband to trust you enough for a happy marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
WOW thank you everyone for all the great advise that you are giving me. I do agree with everyone of you. I know that what I did is terrible and I am taking full responsibility for it. I stopped talking to my girlfriend, I closed my FB account, I don't use tweeter. My husband has full access to my phone, sometimes he does check my phone my SMS, list call, my email, viber etc. We are a young coupel I am 26 and he is 29, we have no kids. We do go out with other coupels very often, his sister and his brother they are both married so we all go out together.
 

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WOW thank you everyone for all the great advise that you are giving me. I do agree with everyone of you. I know that what I did is terrible and I am taking full responsibility for it. I stopped talking to my girlfriend, I closed my FB account, I don't use tweeter. My husband has full access to my phone, sometimes he does check my phone my SMS, list call, my email, viber etc. We are a young coupel I am 26 and he is 29, we have no kids. We do go out with other coupels very often, his sister and his brother they are both married so we all go out together.
One last suggestion: stay NAILED to his side at all social functions. Right now, you don't get any flirty, or even innocent conversations with any man who isn't your husband or a friend's boyfriend or husband who isn't RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR FRIEND. No little private chats. No dances. Your world is your husband. Because seeing you smiling and chatty with another guy is going to be a BIG trigger for him for a while.

So avoid it.
 

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WOW thank you everyone for all the great advise that you are giving me. I do agree with everyone of you. I know that what I did is terrible and I am taking full responsibility for it. I stopped talking to my girlfriend, I closed my FB account, I don't use tweeter. My husband has full access to my phone, sometimes he does check my phone my SMS, list call, my email, viber etc. We are a young coupel I am 26 and he is 29, we have no kids. We do go out with other coupels very often, his sister and his brother they are both married so we all go out together.
If you have truly done all of the above....then you might just have to live with that fact that he will not trust you. The question is then...can you live majority of your life that way?
 
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