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Hello,
I'm new here, and looking for some advice. Please feel free to tell me if I am over reacting, as I could probably use a different perspective....I'm completely open to someone (gently) telling me if I am blowing this out of the water.

The backgound info is this: my husband and I have been married for almost 3 years, together for almost 5. I have never been a fan of pornography in relationships - I know that is a debate topic, but thats not my intention for this thread. It's my belief that in a marriage, porn is either a) accepted by both partners or b) accepted by one but not by the other. In most situations, I fall into category B.



About 2 years ago, porn was a big problem in our relationship. It got to the point that it was replacing our sex life. (This is before he got sent to Korea (MILITARY) and it became a Bigger Problem in Korea) and that my hubby had even registered on a personals sites. As far as I know, he never met or even talked to any of the women on that site, but the fact that he had even registered on it cause ALOT of conflict between us and ultimately broke all of my trust in him. Not only was the personals site a really big blow to my esteem and trust, it had hurt SO much to know that while he knew my feelings about porn and how much he hurt me, he continued to do it. While he was sent to Korea I tried everything to please him over the web cam and send things, he brushed me off. Or made up things he had to do...

Come to find out he was watching more porn and thinking about his x's... But would lie to me and tell me he wasn't in the mood and hadn't done anything in months. At this time i was also pregnant with our 1st child. ( I think it is wrong to think of a X in that way unless you still have feelings for them) Needless to say I'm more upset and hurt about it then anything because I didn't even know this till a couple weeks ago. The X thing...



But, after Korea I forgave him and have tried to move past him being dishonest about everything, there are things here and there that keep coming up. Like how many women he has been with, the number changes and I being a woman you don't forget things like that.. Like, when we 1st got together, I asked him how many woman had he sleep with and done anything sexual with. And I was brought up where you don't sleep with the other race. I"M NOT RACIST but I just wouldn't sleep with a black guy being as it's not what i believe in. I asked him and he told me he only fingered one black girl in college and he was drunk it was only one time, 2 days ago she writes on my facebook and asked if i was his wife and i said yes. She told me it was more than that. Then I asked him about it and the story changed he was with her 5 or 6 times and never ****ed her. But she said he did.

But fast forward: I have a trust problem with him now, with the past and things coming about now. I don't know how to move past it. He says he is sorry but a month ago I happen to pick up the wrong phone ( We have the same cell phone) and there was porn on it. He wants to know what he can do to fix what he has done. So far I havent found anything and he seems sorry but I can't move past it now. The thinking of the X's and lieing to me, it bothers me so much... What can he do to help me move past this???? Please help.. I feel so betrayed and cheated on, Our marriage depends on it i'm so close to just ending it all together.
 

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Thats the thing I don't know either, it was out of the blue to me.. And he said he hadn't talked to her in years which, I havent found any info that he had talked to her...
 

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I'm not exactly sure what you want us to say.

He lied to you. He engaged in deceitful behavior. He posted a profile on a dating website. He refused sexual gratification from you.

He isn't actually trustworthy by any definition I can tell, at least in a marital relationship fashion.

Were you seeking validation?
 

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You're more worried about inter-racial sexual relations than you are about infidelity? :scratchhead:
 
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No i'm worried about everything all together. But being how i was raised I don't believe in inter-racial sexual relations. And by lieing to me about it, it made finding out more of a problem. Its not just that it's everything the porn and lieing... He said he has stopped now and is changing.

I'm looking as to what I should do, Should I move past it, and forget everything. Because i'm having a hard time doing that.... And if so what can he do to help me move past it..

And I wanna know what y'all would do? We are married and have child and another one on the way... Should I just leave...

I feel betrayed and like i'm by myself on everything. Being X military and marrying back into it I lost alot of friends and dont have anyone to talk to. So I wanna know what I should do... I'm depressed and stressed out over it.. I can't tell you how many times it runs over and over in my head about him thinking of X's and jacking it to other woman. I'm not a ugly person, I'm still young 23 , and willing to do anything to make him happy. But I don't wont to live the rest of my life like this...
 

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Well if I left that out than it wouldn't make much since why I feel betrayed and upset along with everything else. Like I said I'm not racist and everyone has a opinion so thanks for letting me know.
 

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And I wanna know what y'all would do? We are married and have child and another one on the way... Should I just leave...
This is a question only you can really answer.

If the two of you can work to rebuild trust and you can actually trust him again and you both REALLY want it, you could do it.

Will you be able to do that (trust again, forgive)? For me, the chances would be pretty slim.

If you aren't morally compatible you should probably come to terms with that. (I for one will look at porn occasionally regardless of who I'm partnered with, no matter how much I love her or how much she satisfies me, I don't see anything wrong with that so long as she is being satisfied).
 
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