[Autumn3232]

Hi All,

I am new here and would love some advice on what to do next. A few weeks after my twins were born I learned my husband was having an emotional affair that turned physical for the past four or so months with a co-worker at equal levels (so during and after my pregnancy). I learned of the affair through emails and only then did he admit to it. He initially told me he wanted to work on the marriage and go to counseling, which we did, but the entire time time he was still seeing the other woman. During this time I was grabby and trying to work on the marriage since I was faced with two premature twins and working full time, in hind sight, I should have kicked him out the minute he didn't honor his end of the deal. We went round and round for the next month of him not being sure what he wants, he says he fell out of love with me and have a deep connection to the other woman. He has continued to have contact with her to this day. He calls her at least ten times a day like he is addicted. She is 10 years older than me and not as attractive by any means, she is also married with pre-teen girls. I finally kicked him out this week so I believe he is staying at a hotel for now. I told him that if he no longer wanted this marriage that I needed to move on. I did contact her husband a few weeks ago and he decided not to tell his wife that he knows and instead work on their marriage, he does not want a divorce. They have been married 19 years. He regularly calls me to check in. He is a very nice man and I feel bad this is happening to their family also. So now I am working full time, taking care of 3 month old twins which I love dearly and not sure what to do. He continues to have the affair. Any advice would be very helpful.

 

[Acabado]

Sorry friend.
Please let met tell, just one time, your husband is scum.

Any advice would be very helpful.

File for divorce, expose him to every single person he feels respect, family, mutual friends, ILs. Go dark on him.


Do you have any support in real life, family, friends?
Please, take care of you.

 

[turnera]

Have you told his parents and his siblings yet? Do it tonight, if not. That's the first step.

 

[Autumn3232]

I'm not sure I am ready to file for divorce yet. Yes, I am starting to think he is scum. He even brought her up to the NICU when our babies were in it right after they were born (I was not aware of the affair at the time).

His parents know, but he has bad mouthed me so much (justifying his actions) that I don't know what they think. His brother doesn't know yet. I think he would be pretty pissed if I told him.

 

[Silverlining]

Autumn3232,

Congratulations on the twins!

I am so sorry you are here.... Being cheated on is hard enough, but while pregnant with twins is unfathomable.

:smthumbup: bravo for kicking him out. This proves you will not put up with his cake eating while you are struggling in limbo land. Do not let him move back in until he offers transparency and accountability for his actions. Do not listen to his lies. Make him prove himself to you by his actions. Him communicating with her proves he is not willing to end it. I strongly recommend you do a hard 180.

The OW's husband is rug-sweeping the affair and I would not recommend you talk to him anymore. He is not helping you end this affair. He is not willing to confront his wife or take action. He is not helping you, only getting info from you. If I were you I would threaten to get her fired

Please realize your husband is in a fog. Right now, the OW is his drug of choice. To save this marriage he needs to send a No Contact letter and quit his job. He can never see or talk to this
woman again. Otherwise, you will be in false R.

 

[Autumn3232]

Do guys like this snap out of it?

 

[Autumn3232]

Thanks Silverlining! What is a hard 180? When and how do these guys get out of the fog? I feel like I am married to another person and am starting to wonder who the hell he is?! We have been together for 5 years. I am just hoping he isn't a downright bad person since I have to deal with him for the remainder of my life.

 

[waiwera]

Congratulations on the arrival of your babies... i just can't imagine how busy twins must make you...never mind holding down a job as well. Amazing what folk can do when they have no choice

I feel so sad for you in regards your marriage though...your h is just scummy. What he did and continues to do is just the lowest thing a man can do to his wife.

You and your babes deserve better. I hope you have support...if not please do seek it out.

I see no reason for you to stay married to him.... do you?

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

I'd let him back in the house, so he can change some diapers and take a turn at feedings! Honestly, I wouldn't want him to not bond with the kids. That would be number 1 issue. The rest, well, you need some time for yourself to think about what you want to do, and being able to see what he's doing close up rather than him in a hotel is going to give you the info you need, either way. Plus you want to conserve funds, in case you divorce he will need that cash for you and the kids, not the hotel and the meals out. Why reward him with a room of his own and sleeping all night. It just feeds into an escape from reality for him, having his lala land and making the other woman feel guilty and then they have a place to have their trysts. I'm sure your house has more than one place for an adult to sleep at night.

 

[Autumn3232]

I love the man I married - and the person before this affair started. I keep thinking he has lost his mind. Is that possible to be such an a*s during an affair only? Or is he really just an a*s?

 

[Autumn3232]

Homemaker - you would have him come home? I thought it was better to do tough love (show him what he is missing)? And I have to respect myself and not live with a man who is having an affair. Thoughts?

 

[Silverlining]

180 is a process for you. I believe info is in the newbies section.
You need to detach from him. Treat him with indifference. Only speak with him if it's about the twins. No other communication. It's also called going dark.

i'd recommend you go nuclear exposure on his Azz. Let everyone at their work know she is a home-wrecker

 

[forevermemorable]

You did the right thing in kicking him out. Your husband has no remorse for his actions. At the moment, he only cares about himself. This other lady is just an object to him, for his sexual needs to be met.

I don't think he ever truly loved you, because he would have not treated you so shallowly as he has. I think the fact that you blimped up (for a lack of better words) was a turn off to him and probably the lack of sex was just icing on the cake.

By your husband having an affair, it tells me that he prizes and cares more about his sexual fulfillment than he does about honor, dignity, integrity, morals, oath, respect, etc. He didn't fall out of love with you, because he probably never had it to begin with. I am sorry, but perfect love in marriage is forever...you don't check out on your love, just because certain needs are not being met. Love does not demand, nor does it take into account the wrongs that have been suffered. Love never fails!

I also think your husband does not care for responsibility of a family. My father left my mom early on because he didn't want to be tied down. He just wanted to fool around and live those college glory days all over again. He took off from my family for 13 years and tried to buy my love after that time.

I say, if your husband is ever sincere about his marriage and family, let him prove it! If you are willing in the future and he can prove his loyalty once again, his integrity, his honor, his devotional to you, his respect, etc. than give a chance and forgive him. In fact, I would encourage you to forgive him regardless, because a lack of forgiveness in your life will be a weight to the depths of your soul. It will eat away at you like cancer and you wonder the rest of your life why he would do such a thing and you will remain bitter. Don't give him that chance to destroy you in that regards.

One day at a time...one day at a time. Be strong!

 

[turnera]

I'm not sure I am ready to file for divorce yet. Yes, I am starting to think he is scum. He even brought her up to the NICU when our babies were in it right after they were born (I was not aware of the affair at the time).

His parents know, but he has bad mouthed me so much (justifying his actions) that I don't know what they think. His brother doesn't know yet. I think he would be pretty pissed if I told him.

Good! He SHOULD be pissed, and your H NEEDS TO SEE HIS BROTHER PISSED at him.

That is the ONLY way he will ever wake up to what he has done - to see the shame in his 'important people's' faces.

Call him right now.

 

[turnera]

And did you PERSONALLY tell his parents that he's been cheating on you, or did he tell you they know?

 

[Autumn3232]

I told his mom, he told his dad. He has really been bad mouthing me, saying I drove him to the affair (which is a bunch of you know what). There are always things a person can do better in a marriage, myself included, but overall we had a good marriage. He is just justifying his actions. But blood is thicker than water and I am worried they will take his side.

forevermemorable - I should have been clearer, this is mostly an emotional affair - she is his "best friend" "soulmate." I think the physical stuff comes second, especially since she isn't his type and is 10 years older than him. I do believe he loved me, we worked really hard to have these babies (three rounds of IVF) and he moved from another country to be with me. I actually think he still loves me, but just doesn't love himself. It is really sad that he just can't figure this out. Bottom line is I hope he finds himself so he can be a good role model for our girls, right now he is an embarrassment.

Do some guys never get out of the affair fog until it is too late? I feel like I could be living in limbo forever. How can I speed this up so the EA doesn't get any more traction?

 

[Silverlining]

Do not listen to the "soulmate" bull sheet. I'm sure he said I love you but I'm not in love with you. This is called cheaters script. He will also try to gas light you.

I suggest you get Not just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Read up on affair fog and how to break up an affair by exposing.

 

[Acabado]

His brother doesn't know yet. I think he would be pretty pissed if I told him.

Tell him. Tell him your are divorcing his sorry a$$ because he had the nerve to bring his GF to NICU. What kind of scumbag flaunt this way the woman he's f0cking around while her wife was pregnant and after giving birth to his twins? Tell him you lost any hope he will come to his senses so you are protecting yourself.
Please, tell your lawyer OW has tyo be out of sight of your babies.
Expose him to everybody.

The 180 degree rules

 

[forevermemorable]

How can I speed this up so the EA doesn't get any more traction?

Forgiveness! Forgiving him and forgiving yourself! This does not mean you forget. There really is no quick fix or easy way to go about it. I understand your approach Autumn...to try and put this behind you as quick as possible and forget it ever happen. Its trying to live in denial.

Autumn, I admire your zeal and determination to get on with you life ASAP, but you need to hurt right now. Showing emotions may paint you as weak and feeble, but getting bitter and playing all these scenarios in your mind about what he has done and what he is doing is going to rob you of all happiness and joy.

Your husband has had an affair and he has violated the marriage vows. I know of a lady who joined a widow's group after her divorce, because she saw the death of her marriage and in some regards, it is the same way. Its okay to grieve Autumn...its not letting your zeal down and it does not give your husband ground...it allows you to heal.

 

[Autumn3232]

Do not listen to the "soulmate" bull sheet. I'm sure he said I love you but I'm not in love with you. This is called cheaters script. He will also try to gas light you.

I suggest you get Not just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Read up on affair fog and how to break up an affair by exposing.

He said that exactly!! What is gas light? I am such a novice I just downloaded Not Just Friends - it is great! Thanks!