He cheated while I was pregnant with twins - advice needed!

Autumn3232,

Congratulations on the twins!

I am so sorry you are here.... Being cheated on is hard enough, but while pregnant with twins is unfathomable.

:smthumbup: bravo for kicking him out. This proves you will not put up with his cake eating while you are struggling in limbo land. Do not let him move back in until he offers transparency and accountability for his actions. Do not listen to his lies. Make him prove himself to you by his actions. Him communicating with her proves he is not willing to end it. I strongly recommend you do a hard 180.

The OW's husband is rug-sweeping the affair and I would not recommend you talk to him anymore. He is not helping you end this affair. He is not willing to confront his wife or take action. He is not helping you, only getting info from you. If I were you I would threaten to get her fired

Please realize your husband is in a fog. Right now, the OW is his drug of choice. To save this marriage he needs to send a No Contact letter and quit his job. He can never see or talk to this
woman again. Otherwise, you will be in false R.

I'd let him back in the house, so he can change some diapers and take a turn at feedings! Honestly, I wouldn't want him to not bond with the kids. That would be number 1 issue. The rest, well, you need some time for yourself to think about what you want to do, and being able to see what he's doing close up rather than him in a hotel is going to give you the info you need, either way. Plus you want to conserve funds, in case you divorce he will need that cash for you and the kids, not the hotel and the meals out. Why reward him with a room of his own and sleeping all night. It just feeds into an escape from reality for him, having his lala land and making the other woman feel guilty and then they have a place to have their trysts. I'm sure your house has more than one place for an adult to sleep at night.

You did the right thing in kicking him out. Your husband has no remorse for his actions. At the moment, he only cares about himself. This other lady is just an object to him, for his sexual needs to be met.

I don't think he ever truly loved you, because he would have not treated you so shallowly as he has. I think the fact that you blimped up (for a lack of better words) was a turn off to him and probably the lack of sex was just icing on the cake.

By your husband having an affair, it tells me that he prizes and cares more about his sexual fulfillment than he does about honor, dignity, integrity, morals, oath, respect, etc. He didn't fall out of love with you, because he probably never had it to begin with. I am sorry, but perfect love in marriage is forever...you don't check out on your love, just because certain needs are not being met. Love does not demand, nor does it take into account the wrongs that have been suffered. Love never fails!

I also think your husband does not care for responsibility of a family. My father left my mom early on because he didn't want to be tied down. He just wanted to fool around and live those college glory days all over again. He took off from my family for 13 years and tried to buy my love after that time.

I say, if your husband is ever sincere about his marriage and family, let him prove it! If you are willing in the future and he can prove his loyalty once again, his integrity, his honor, his devotional to you, his respect, etc. than give a chance and forgive him. In fact, I would encourage you to forgive him regardless, because a lack of forgiveness in your life will be a weight to the depths of your soul. It will eat away at you like cancer and you wonder the rest of your life why he would do such a thing and you will remain bitter. Don't give him that chance to destroy you in that regards.

One day at a time...one day at a time. Be strong!

I told his mom, he told his dad. He has really been bad mouthing me, saying I drove him to the affair (which is a bunch of you know what). There are always things a person can do better in a marriage, myself included, but overall we had a good marriage. He is just justifying his actions. But blood is thicker than water and I am worried they will take his side.

forevermemorable - I should have been clearer, this is mostly an emotional affair - she is his "best friend" "soulmate." I think the physical stuff comes second, especially since she isn't his type and is 10 years older than him. I do believe he loved me, we worked really hard to have these babies (three rounds of IVF) and he moved from another country to be with me. I actually think he still loves me, but just doesn't love himself. It is really sad that he just can't figure this out. Bottom line is I hope he finds himself so he can be a good role model for our girls, right now he is an embarrassment.

Do some guys never get out of the affair fog until it is too late? I feel like I could be living in limbo forever. How can I speed this up so the EA doesn't get any more traction?

Autumn3232 said:

How can I speed this up so the EA doesn't get any more traction?

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Forgiveness! Forgiving him and forgiving yourself! This does not mean you forget. There really is no quick fix or easy way to go about it. I understand your approach Autumn...to try and put this behind you as quick as possible and forget it ever happen. Its trying to live in denial.

Autumn, I admire your zeal and determination to get on with you life ASAP, but you need to hurt right now. Showing emotions may paint you as weak and feeble, but getting bitter and playing all these scenarios in your mind about what he has done and what he is doing is going to rob you of all happiness and joy.

Your husband has had an affair and he has violated the marriage vows. I know of a lady who joined a widow's group after her divorce, because she saw the death of her marriage and in some regards, it is the same way. Its okay to grieve Autumn...its not letting your zeal down and it does not give your husband ground...it allows you to heal.