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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been together for 3 years, we have been married 1. We have two kids together I was going through his phone one day and happened to check his email and I found messages from another female about their relationship etc.. i asked him about it and he said that he didn't have sex with her or kiss her they just talked when he went to see her during times we had arguments. I contacted her and she confirmed this but she also told me that two years ago he got her pregnant but she had a miscarriage, when i asked him about it he denied it at first but then later told me the truth. He claims that the reason he cheated was because I wasnt affectionate and open with him about my feelings and that he felt alone and was unhappy. I felt the same way but i never cheated on him. I feel hurt, angry, and betrayed,i really do not know if I will ever be able to trust him again he hid something like that for TWO years from me. and was continuously going to see her up until a month ago. i really don't know what i should do, i need help
 

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Is the relationship (hubs & the other lady) over?
He married you after it was completely over?

Then it's time for open frank talks & forgiveness & time to move on with YOUR relationship.

If he's still texting/emailing her.. etc. Then kick him to the curb.
 

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I agree with you that you that there is no reason to be able to ever believe him or trust him after that. Especially because he continues to defend himself and place the blame on you and your lack of affection as if that justifies his actions and his lies.

He married you after it was completely over?
Why does it matter whether or not they were married during the time he cheated?

He CHEATED.

Doesn't matter if they were married at the time or not, they were together. Or they were supposed to be.
 

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Are you wanting to save the marriage or go your seperate ways?

If you stay and work on the marriage, it's a hard road. He and he alone chose to cheat. He could have done other things, like worked to improve your marriage... let you know how deeply unhappy he was, get a divorce. There are many choics he could have made. He chose to lie and cheat. He also chose to expose you to STD's.

I hope that you and he will go get tested for STD's.

There are things that can be done to rebuild your marriage. He has to have no contact with the OW (other woman). It's best if he writes her a no-contact letter telling her that he cannot see her anymore, that what he did was mean and unfair to you and that he choses to stay with you.

He needs to give you total access (passwords) to his cell, computer & internet accounts, etc.

Complete transparency is the start of him proving to you that he can be trusted from here on out.

If the OW married? If so tell her husband about the affair. This important for ending the affair forever.
 

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Well this is the way I see it. He chose to console himself in another woman instead of working on communicating his feelings with you. He got this other woman pregnant, he kept going to her throughout the marriage up until two months ago. To me.... That is completely and utterly selfish behavior on his part, lack of respect for you and your feelings, following his hormones instead of using his brains. You could try to go to marriage counseling for it, do as Ele suggested, ect but if it were me.... I would throw his items out, burn them, kick him out of the house, and file for divorce. Over dramatic? Some may think so but if my husband cheating on me continueiously throughout the marriage because he felt lonely and misunderstood... that there is overdramatic behavior on his part. He used it as an excuse to get his noodle wet and enjoy the thrill of being with another woman to satisfy his needs rather then thinking of him and me and the relationship we have in general. If a man or woman feels they have to cheat... then clearly they are not ready for commitment in the first place and shouldn't even be married. Cheating is disrespectful and dishonest in my opinion. There are plenty of other ways he could have occupied himself or handled it.
 
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He's had a long term affair with her which he claims ended 2 months . Yeah for him, now he only cheated for the past few years.

He's giving you total bs answers.mare you sure they aren't still connecting and just lying about it better?
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Is the relationship (hubs & the other lady) over?
He married you after it was completely over?

Then it's time for open frank talks & forgiveness & time to move on with YOUR relationship.

If he's still texting/emailing her.. etc. Then kick him to the curb.
He says the relationship is over, but who knows for sure? he lied and hid the affair for Two years, there is no way for me to truly know. I hate snooping and questioning maybe thats why i was deceived for so long. I hope he isnt though, thanks for responding.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Are you wanting to save the marriage or go your seperate ways?

If you stay and work on the marriage, it's a hard road. He and he alone chose to cheat. He could have done other things, like worked to improve your marriage... let you know how deeply unhappy he was, get a divorce. There are many choics he could have made. He chose to lie and cheat. He also chose to expose you to STD's.

I hope that you and he will go get tested for STD's.

There are things that can be done to rebuild your marriage. He has to have no contact with the OW (other woman). It's best if he writes her a no-contact letter telling her that he cannot see her anymore, that what he did was mean and unfair to you and that he choses to stay with you.

He needs to give you total access (passwords) to his cell, computer & internet accounts, etc.

Complete transparency is the start of him proving to you that he can be trusted from here on out.

If the OW married? If so tell her husband about the affair. This important for ending the affair forever.
I agree, I should have access to his personal accounts, but I really do not WANT them, That will drive me crazy .Yes, he did expose me to STD's and thats the part that I am most angry about, he showed no concern for me or my health. I have been tested and have not contracted anything, THANK GOD.No, she is not married . My initial reaction was I wanted to end the marriage, but now I would rather work it out and try to rebuild, because we have kids together, but it is just so hard to get over that hump! thank you for responding
 

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Affairs are very hard to break. I just want you to know that up front. And like any bad habit, something that's been going on for two years likely isn't just going to magically come to an end.

Has he written a letter of No Contact? That you have delivered certified mail to the other woman?

Here's the other thing about cheating--and you know this better than most people--it's about the LYING.

You are absolutely right not to trust him right now. He lied to you, over and over, for a very long time.

If you really want to reconcile, find a marriage counselor who is highly qualified in advising couples suffering ***from infidelity***. The way we found ours was by contacting a therapy practice for porn / sex addiction, because these therapists also treat issues of infidelity as well. They are all escapist, fantasy behaviors. Marriage counselors who are not trained in infidelity are all too quick not to dwell too long on the affair, to quickly put it behind you, and 'rug-sweep,' i.e., not treat the issues of why your husband thought it was ok to go outside your marriage in this way.

There are also a couple of books I can recommend, Surving an Affair by Dr. Harley, and Staying Together When an Affair Pulls You Apart by Stephen M. Judah.

I know you hate snooping. At some point, you are right, the snooping has to stop. But after having dealt with my husband's emotional affair of 4.5 years, and failing to snoop for 3 of those because I thought it was over, I will tell you, a little snooping can go a long way. (We are successfully reconciling.)

P.S., I suggest you ask to have your thread moved to the Coping with Infidelity forum.
 

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Well this is the way I see it. He chose to console himself in another woman instead of working on communicating his feelings with you. He got this other woman pregnant, he kept going to her throughout the marriage up until two months ago. To me.... That is completely and utterly selfish behavior on his part, lack of respect for you and your feelings, following his hormones instead of using his brains. You could try to go to marriage counseling for it, do as Ele suggested, ect but if it were me.... I would throw his items out, burn them, kick him out of the house, and file for divorce. Over dramatic? Some may think so but if my husband cheating on me continueiously throughout the marriage because he felt lonely and misunderstood... that there is overdramatic behavior on his part. He used it as an excuse to get his noodle wet and enjoy the thrill of being with another woman to satisfy his needs rather then thinking of him and me and the relationship we have in general. If a man or woman feels they have to cheat... then clearly they are not ready for commitment in the first place and shouldn't even be married. Cheating is disrespectful and dishonest in my opinion. There are plenty of other ways he could have occupied himself or handled it.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 

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Every-time he feels lonely he's going to cheat on you with someone else.

This marriage is already over.
 

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His alleging that you were unaffectionate and he felt lonley, was that his way of saying you two weren't having sex for extended periods of time (not due to pregnancy or some other obvious medical issue)?
 

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LoveLady - sorry to hear about this. It's not good. Totally understandable for you to be very emotional or hurt by this. Don't ignore any of those feelings, despite what someone else may try and "get" you to feel.

As for any advice I can offer going forward, it depends on your reaction to this statement:

Every-time he feels lonely he's going to cheat on you with someone else.

This marriage is already over.
Do you agree? Why/why not?
 

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why you would want to stay with a man who is lying and cheating this early on in a relationship I really don't know - I'd have to kick his sorry ass out
If you read her post she said why she wanted to work things out. They have children together. It does seem like he is unrepentant but maybe with work he can change. The OP is putting the needs of her family over herself. Divorce is hard on a family. Her kids will go from having their Dad around every day to just weekends or less. They will go from two incomes to one + Child support. And she probably still loves her husband. Its easy to say kick his ass out but its a complicated situation.
 

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Yes it may be hard but so is suffering in silence for the sake of the kids. I've lived through both situations and i agree if both parties are willing to work it out and go to counseling then good for them... but if one refuses to change and continues to hurt the other even if its emotionally... the one being hurt should not feel obligated to remain in such a situation for the sake of the kids. That one being hurt will end up losing their mind and the family will be worse off.
 

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By lived through I mean growing up with both parents and with a one parent situation... neither is good when there are issues the parent is going through that causes them to suffer in any way.
 

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I'm not exactly taking a side whether or not she should divorce her husband or not. I was just explaining her reasoning since one poster was saying he couldn't understand why she would stay.

I think there are reasons to stay. My parents were never in a happy marriage and constantly fighting. I'm not sure if I would have been happier as a child if they were divorced. Instead of living a middle-class/upper-middle class lifestyle we would have struggled with a divorce. I also think having two parents, even two fighting parents is better than just a mother.

But I don't know the OP's husband. Maybe he is a terrible influence and they would be better off without him. I think if he is good father and was a good husband than giving him a second chance is not stupid.

Its not a black and white issue and the OP is not a fool if she decides to stay with him. There are valid reasons for staying together after infidelity.

I guess I should add the disclaimer that I may be more understanding of the husband since I was once a wayward spouse as well.
 

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I know your not taking sides and I do agree that two parents are better then one and yes nothing is black and white... As far as being happy with one parent vs two... I doubt you would have been. Like I said I've been in both scenarios... and neither is very pretty especially when one parent tends to go insane because of the other. I do agree that working it out is best but respect from both sides should be a priority imo. Respect of eachothers feelings, boundaries, ect. My husband knows that I wouldn't tolerate any infidelity on his part nor would he any on my part. I love and respect him to much to even consider such a thing. To me... if there is an issue.. there are better ways of resolving it then going out and cheating.... or finding ways to cheat... ect ect... if that makes any sense?
 

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I think infidelity is a huge breach of trust and disrespectful to the other partner. But I don't think the wayward spouse cheats with the intent to harm their husband/wife. No one cheats in a vacuum. I think in the husband's mind this didn't impact his wife. It clearly did but I don't think he was cheating with the express desire to cause his wife and family pain.

With regards to two parents vs one. My father was physically and emotionally abusive at times. Sometimes I wished he wouldn't be around as a child. I think my mother had every right to file for divorce and leave. But I am glad she put up with things for us though. It is very difficult to financially support a family by oneself. This woman is in a very tough situation. She can leave and "kick his ass out" but then her and her kids are struggling to get by. And they don't have their daddy around. If there is any way they can repair their marriage they should. But the husband needs to make change and amends. He has to be committed to his wife and family.
 
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