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Discussion Starter #1
We've have a long, mostly rough history with my husbands love for guns. I am for guns, and actually really enjoy guns but they are not a necessity for me but he is such an impulsive child about guns that it has been a huge issue in our marriage.

We've talked on several occasions about when our son is ready for his first .22. In the past few days, my husband has recently discovered the show "The walking dead" and he can't stop talking about guns. We talked about when to buy our son a gun. I told him absolutely not right now because our son is only 4 and even though I'm uncomfortable still, that we could give it a try at 6 and see how that goes.

I woke up from a nap today and walk in the living room to see he bought our son a little single shot .22. I AM LIVID... Beyond livid! Our marriage is not in the best place right now and then he does this.

What do I do?

:mad:
 

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First of all.... your husband is a complete moron imo for giving your toddler ..... TODDLER a gun. If I were you I would seperate and show your husband you mean business. What your h did was irresponsible, reckless, and plain out moronic as I stated before. It doesn't matter if the gun is loaded or not... its the principle behind his actions that matter. He has got to be lacking common sense to give the child a gun.


My spouse has a thing for guns as well but he would never be so stupid as to give one to any of our children. I would say a proper age for guns would have to be 16 to 18 imo... or whenever he can legally carry one.... whichever comes later. No 4 year old would be responsible enough to handle sometjing like that.
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Holy. Omg. If my husband pulled that and was adamant on my child keeping it, I'd be calling CPS.
 

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Your husband is being ridiculously stupid and wreckless/careless...a 4 year old? Really? So sorry you're having to go through this. I have had some gun issues with my husband so I can sympathize. I'd get rid of that gun ASAP if I were you. It's a matter of your son's LIFE and he shouldn't be buying his 4 year old a gun! A 4 year old is not mature or responsible enough yet to fully understand the seriousness of guns!!! Your husband shouldn't have gone behind your back to pull a stunt like this...

Seriously...get rid of that gun, NOW. Don't hesitate and don't let your husband make you feel bad about your decision or the way you feel. This is your SON your'e talking about.
 
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I lost 2 cousins to random shots from household guns. One boy was almost 7. His friend was "showing" the gun to him. It went off and killed my cousin.

My other cousin was a teenager who went to a party and being a stupid kid, was messing around with his friend's gun. Shot himself on accident.

There will never be guns in this house and I ask my children's friends' parents if they have guns in the house. If they do, my kids won't be going over.
 

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I have a very different point of view from the others…

I grew up in a house with at least 24 guns, rifles, etc. They were never locked up. Just is cabinet in my parent’s bedroom.

My parents had 8 children. Not one of us ever handled a weapon in a dangerous manner. We were taught from a very early age how to be responsible with weapons. I was no older than 6 when I first started to learn to shoot a weapon. By age 10 I could handle every one that we had. My father also made sure that each of us knew who be break down the weapons and clean them.. very important to know if you have a weapon.

I would have no problem with gifting a single shot .22 to a 4 year old. It’s a tool that can be used to start teaching him about gun safety. Just cause he is gifted a gun does not mean that the kid should have open access to the weapon.

Today I advocate for locked gun cabinets. Let him learn at this early age that there are responsibilities that go along with owning a gun. Teach him to clean it and to keep it locked up. Most importantly teach him how to handle it even when he “knows” it’s not loaded.

For example teach him that he never, ever points gun at a person or animal unless his intent to kill them. Teach him what ‘kill’ means. It’s not a cartoon.. it’s for keeps. And yes 4 year olds can learn that concept.

Teach him to hold it at an angle.. not up so it won’t accidently shoot into the air and not pointed down at his own feet. There are a lot of important things he can learn now before he ever gets to fire a weapon. This is a good time to teach them. There would be a lot fewer accidental shootings by children if, in homes that have guns, children were taught safety from a very early age.

You already have weapons in your home. He darn well had better learn some responsibility on how to handle them since you already have them. 4 years old is not too young.

When my kids were young I taught them to handle a toy gun in the same manner as a real one (except you cannot take apart and clean a toy gun). In my home we have the same rules for the toy guns, rifles, swords, etc as we do for the real ones. What a child learns with toys are the same rules they will use to handle the real thing. … there have been a lot of cases in recent years of people, usually teens and 20 somethings, being killed by the police because a toy gun was mistaken for a real one.

Now if your husband’s intent is to let a 4 year hold put a gun on his toy shelf and play with it whenever he wants.. your husband is an idiot. But if the intent is to teach your child responsibility then I see no problem.

If the idea is teach your son responsibility with this .22 single shot then neither of you are wrong. The two of you just have different opinions. And your husband decided to not go by what you wanted to do.

The issue I see here is that the two are you are not working together as a parenting team. What other areas in your marriage do one or both of you do this to each other… ignore and undercut each other?
 

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I lost 2 cousins to random shots from household guns. One boy was almost 7. His friend was "showing" the gun to him. It went off and killed my cousin.

My other cousin was a teenager who went to a party and being a stupid kid, was messing around with his friend's gun. Shot himself on accident.

There will never be guns in this house and I ask my children's friends' parents if they have guns in the house. If they do, my kids won't be going over.
Having a gun does not necessarily mean that a child has access to the gun at all times. There are things like trigger locks, locked cabinates and safes, etc.

Sure if he gave the kid a gun to keep as a toy and have access to whenever he wanted... that's nuts. But if he gave the kid a gun and then locked it up responsibly and supervised all access to the gun, what's the big deal.
 

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Not every child is blessed with such maturity and intelligence as yourself ele. I too was taught at an early age how to handle a gun but I still stand by my point. This is the way I see it. Anyone under a the age of .. say... 16 I wouldn't trust to be responsible enough, strong enough, intelligent enough, and mature enough to handle something that can be potentially dangerous and lethal to that person and/or others.


That to me is equivilant to this couple who assumed their... ten year old son was mature enough to handle a bermese python. After all... they were up his butt for several years teaching him how to handle the snake and be responsible with it so it shouldn't be a problem right?

The moment they left that boy alone with the snake... is the moment the "accident" occured. The boy was crushed to death and eaten. They were baffled considering the snake seemed so loving toward him before... and this happened in the short time it took the mother to leave the room, check the mail, and come back.


Point to this is... with something deadly like the bermese... and gun... like I said.. I wouldn't trust a child under 16 to handle it... this includes my own children.
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I wouldn't go for 16 as the okay age but I still think 4 is WAY too young. Although I live in the third biggest city in my state it is a state and city with many avid huntsmen. Lots of young children go hunting much younger than 16. I had a mandatory hunters safety class I took in 8th grade, It's a shame they don't teach it anymore. As the main theme was safety.

My next door neighbor growing up gave his daughter an air soft gun or a pellet rifle (I forget which) for her 9th birthday. At her party a 6 year old got a hold of it and shot a little girl in the eye. There were kids and parents everywhere but he still managed to do quite some damage. Even if your child is responsible doesn't mean their friends are, and friends are a great influence on children's behavior.

I think 4 is an age to teach a child to respect guns and learn what could go wrong (age appropriately) if they use guns.
When the child is old enough to understand the consequences of using a gun Inappropriately, and old enough to use it responsibly then i completely agree with purchasing a gun to teach proper use and upkeep and hopefully continuing a hunting tradition :)

By no means should any child have access to a gun without parental supervision(call me captain obvious)

I learned how to shoot when I was 9 I suspect if I was born male it would have been an earlier age I'm sure (but that's just speculation on my part)

Edited to add: I have a few guns in my home. Almost all of them are locked in a gun case in a locked room so unless my two year old starts mastering lock picking im safe.

I keep a handgun upstairs with a lock on the trigger mechanism. Both the key and the gun are hidden in my master bedroom. I live in a nice quiet neighborhood in the suburbs of a big city. But I'd always rather have a gun and not need one than the other way around.
 

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Not every child is blessed with such maturity and intelligence as yourself ele. I too was taught at an early age how to handle a gun but I still stand by my point. This is the way I see it. Anyone under a the age of .. say... 16 I wouldn't trust to be responsible enough, strong enough, intelligent enough, and mature enough to handle something that can be potentially dangerous and lethal to that person and/or others.


That to me is equivilant to this couple who assumed their... ten year old son was mature enough to handle a bermese python. After all... they were up his butt for several years teaching him how to handle the snake and be responsible with it so it shouldn't be a problem right?

The moment they left that boy alone with the snake... is the moment the "accident" occured. The boy was crushed to death and eaten. They were baffled considering the snake seemed so loving toward him before... and this happened in the short time it took the mother to leave the room, check the mail, and come back.


Point to this is... with something deadly like the bermese... and gun... like I said.. I wouldn't trust a child under 16 to handle it... this includes my own children.
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I certainly was not talking about leaving a kid alone with a weapon.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Obviously my husband would be there with him (and locked up when not) but I am still not comfortable. He IS to young. He knows to not touch guns right now.

What really makes me mad is that we discussed this. I told him that maybe at 6 we could try it and evaluate it then even though I am still not entirely comfortable with it. I know his side of the argument... He feels like since he is the gun expert in the family it should be his decision.. his judgement takes precedent. He is thinking how awesome it's going to be to teach our son how to shoot and all the father and son bonding excites him. I love that he can't wait to share that special father-son moment with him but WTF about how I feel about guns and our sons safety?!?! He thinks "Oh well.. she'll get over it and its hard to get rid of guns. You can't return them and can't post them on craigslist."

It makes me feel like a piece of crap stuck to his boot!
 

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Obviously my husband would be there with him (and locked up when not) but I am still not comfortable. He IS to young. He knows to not touch guns right now.

What really makes me mad is that we discussed this. I told him that maybe at 6 we could try it and evaluate it then even though I am still not entirely comfortable with it. I know his side of the argument... He feels like since he is the gun expert in the family it should be his decision.. his judgement takes precedent. He is thinking how awesome it's going to be to teach our son how to shoot and all the father and son bonding excites him. I love that he can't wait to share that special father-son moment with him but WTF about how I feel about guns and our sons safety?!?! He thinks "Oh well.. she'll get over it and its hard to get rid of guns. You can't return them and can't post them on craigslist."

It makes me feel like a piece of crap stuck to his boot!
Yep, the issue is more about him ignoring your feelings on this. 6 would be a better age and you would have been in argreement with it. It's a huge decision and not his to make alone.

Your son now has a gun that is locked up. That cannot really be undone.

But if I were you I'd push for some marriage counseling. Your husband needs to learn that marriage and parenting are partnerships... you have as much say in this as he does.

That is where you need to put the emphasis. You will lose this argument if you focus on the gun.

Also remember that if you leave your husband over things like this, your son's exposure to weapons will possibly be greater than if you are around.

I'm also concerned about the way you describe his fasination with guns... they are just tools... something people have for protection and hunting. He seems a bit over the top.
 

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Discussion Starter #14 (Edited)
I need to vent further... I can't stop crying tonight! Guns have always been a hot button ever since he bought a gun ($1000 +) instead of putting down the deposit on our wedding venue and lost it. He's bought and lied about guns a handful of times now and it makes me feel worse each time.

Today, I was just talking to a friend about him and how attractive I think he is and how much I love him. He has a lot of good qualities but the one I can't live with is how much he disregards me. He is so affectionate towards our son and I love my husband so much that it kills me that he isn't affectionate at all towards me. He performs the standard husband rituals; peck on the lips before leaving for work, close ended emails with I love yous, the occasional love you txt. When he wants sex he MAY step it up a little but its minimal and he lately he's even stopped asking for that. Usually I just get the "lets do it look" or "I'm horny". He oooozes affection for our son... you can tell he loves him so much he can hardly stand it. You should love your kids more than your spouse but not a huge significance like this. The only time I felt genuine affection from him was when I was pregnant.. he touched me all the time and was so proud of "His Work" and loved to show it off. He continues to hound me for more kids. I'm only 26 and busy and we have alot of debt. I'm not ready so there is plenty of time.

- He makes fun of me in a bad way constantly. For examples: He will tell people who I voted for obama last election if they are republicans. Tell his friends he never gets laid after he gets 3 blow jobs and tons of sex in one week (which doesn't happen very often all in one week like that.. our usual is once or twice a week. I feel like he constantly makes me out to be the bad guy every. single. day.

- I value his opinion and ask him before making decisions which as you can see he doesn't reciprocate. We disagree on how to do something and I will prove him wrong and it still won't matter.
- He RARELY apologizes. If I'm upset over something he did and I prove to him that I was right or majority rules with me, he might say "I'm sorry your upset" not "I'm sorry I was wrong. I love you".

-I can be a *****.. I use the F-word entirely to much and I'm a bit of a score keeper but I LOVE HIM and SHOW IT. I'm affectionate to him even if he doesn't return it. I hug him, kiss him, caress his hair, arm, neck.. I pray to god (even though I'm not religious) every night to be a better person for my son and my husband... to keep them safe, healthy and happy.

We email back and forth at night while he is at work and I bring this up frequently. It's horrible to feel like your husband loves you like a relative and not IN LOVE with you. I'm an unappreciative obligation to him. Tonight I'm feeling like it's never going to get better and there is no way out, loving him for all that he can be but wondering if he actually loves me back. We are stuck together by our love for our son, business, life goals...
 

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I know that ele and I apologize as it seems I didn't come across the way I intended to. I wasn't suggesting seperation just because of the gun mind you but like you I find her husbands obsession with guns a bit alarming and dangerous. That and add this recent post of hers... his behavior seems off imo but then again that's just it.... its only my opinion. (Hope this made some sort of sense.... just took some dang cold medicine)
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I know that ele and I apologize as it seems I didn't come across the way I intended to. I wasn't suggesting seperation just because of the gun mind you but like you I find her husbands obsession with guns a bit alarming and dangerous. That and add this recent post of hers... his behavior seems off imo but then again that's just it.... its only my opinion. (Hope this made some sort of sense.... just took some dang cold medicine)
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I agree... it's not about the gun and the 4 year old. That can be handled in a responsible manner.

It's about the obsession with weapons and his mistreatment of the OP.
 

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\cashybum,

Your latest post is the crux of the issue here. Your husband is not treating you well. The gun incident is an example.

If he's being responsible with keeping the .22 locked up and teaching your son about gun handling then drop the thing about the gun.... and focus on the real problem... the way he treats you. ( the gun obsession is an issue too but let's deal with one at a time.)

How do his parents relate to each other? Does his father treat his mother as he teats you?

My suggestion is that you stop focusing on his behavior and instead focus on yourself.

You cannot change him but you can change the way you interact with him.

I think that you would benefit quite a lot from the book "Divorce Busters". It has some good ideas that would help you turn this around. Sometimes a wife has to do something radical to get her husband to finally grow up and be a man. It sounds to me like your husband is stuck in his teen years. (how old are the two of you.)

It's all about him, his macho ego and the toys he owns (your son is one of those toys by the way).

You need to learn to not present yourself as a victim.. that’s what you sound like. (not being mean just trying to help you see where you are at.) What you need to do is to change your behavior such that you are not longer in that victim role.

Right now you are wanting to badly to get him to love you and show the love the way you need it. You put out victim and needy vibes. There is nothing sexy or attractive about this. I’m sure that you are sweet, loving woman. But that’s going to help you all that much with a kid (not man) like him.

Instead you need the attitude that he’s very very lucky to have you. And if he cannot appreciate that then you will just move on. Make him earn your love.. not the other way around. It’s not a game.. it’s about you learning to be stronger and to gain self confidence.

Get the book and read about the 180… it’s about doing things completely the opposite from how you normally do them. About getting his attention, getting him to chase you again. There is a link to a 180 in my signature block below. It’s a good start but you need to figure out some things to do that are unique to your situation.

Seeing a counselor for learning to value yourself more is important as well.

We teach people how to treat us. YOu need a new lesson plan.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
This is what my husband wrote in response.

Yeah everyone thinks I just gave him a gun or something, completely not what happened.

You also never mentioned that our son doesn’t know that I bought it and its in our closet.

And sounds like this is mostly chicks who have no idea what they are talking about.

I want to strangle him......... UGH!
 

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This is what my husband wrote in response.

Yeah everyone thinks I just gave him a gun or something, completely not what happened.

You also never mentioned that our son doesn’t know that I bought it and its in our closet.

And sounds like this is mostly chicks who have no idea what they are talking about.

I want to strangle him......... UGH!
So he did not even let your son see the gun? So he did not give a gun to your son. He just spent the money?

Like I said earlier, forget about the gun. Your problem is so much bigger than that. it's about how he ignores you adn treats you. You will never get anywhere if you keep harping on a gun that he did not even give to your son.
 
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