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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
It was very rocky when we first married. I already had a kid and then we had two more right away. He never helped around the house, with the kids, with the money or anything. He always had a beer in his hand. I handled it wrong and I cheated. Got caught right away. He beat the crap out of the guy. The guy didn't press charges. I felt terrible and allowed him to throw that in my face for years after. About a year after that he punched me the face, broke out my front tooth and spent the night in jail. Guess I felt I deserved that too.

He always liked porn. Sex was good with us. Mainly why we got together. I wasn't much into porn though. And while the kids were growing up I would get furious when he left it laying around. When we got our computer he would chat in couples rooms. Which I later found out were swinger rooms. I didn't like it but turned a blind eye. I got active in church. Things got a little better with us. We were super busy with the kids. But he would still drink after work and not come home and then lie to me that he only had one beer. We would walk on eggshells when he drank. He was either super mushy or he would snap.

2007 his dad committed suicide AND he got fired. He gave his life to Christ and I finally believed we were smooth sailing from then on out. BUT he started drinking heavily again. I started drinking too. I was up to a bottle of wine a night so I would pass out and not have to remember anything because the porn went crazy. He was totally addicted. I even allowed myself to get involved with live sex online. Then when he allowed another man in our bed one night when I was so trashed I got really depressed. I could only blame myself. I tried talking to him. We talked about how this was ruining our marriage. We needed to stop. I did stop but he wouldn't. He was sneaking it. And even secretly recording us when I didn't know. He took pictures of me when I was passed out and sent them to his friends. I was allowing this to happen I know. I finally left one day when I discovered he had left our bed (after we had sex) and was in the garage drinking and showing himself online.

I tried to go home twice. He still hasn't admitted he has a drinking or a porn problem. But he says he hasn't looked at porn since I last left (9months ago). However; he has stopped drinking. The longest he had gone before was two weeks. He now has gone almost 4 weeks (as far as I can tell). We are meeting with our pastor who is super with my husband and mostly taking my husband's side. Because our pastor sees where my husband is really trying. But I have been so hurt. He has lied to me so many times while accusing me of that very thing. I have lost my desire for him. I am an attractive woman who never denied him sex. I just can't get over why he went where he went.

He is working on things though. It has been difficult facing himself. He does love me I know. We have three awesome kids who are grown up now. I would love for us to mend our relationship. Our pastor believes we need to have sex or else my husband will stray and I will be whisked away. Well, men have already tried to whisk me away and I am not interested. And I don't really care if he strays. I say that, but yet I think I want us to get back together. I'm learning how to say no when things are not right for me. I'm learning that I do have a voice. I'm learning how it's important that I take care of myself so that I have enough left over to give to others. I just don't feel I"m ready yet to go back home.

I guess I am wondering: do I just go back, step out in faith and believe I will fall back in love one day? Or do I wait until that happens?
 

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I just wanted to say your not alone here. The only faith you need is with God and he will give you what you need.
I think you need more time, you refer to weeks in your post, i suggest you wait until you can make reference to his changes in months...maybe years.

Its to early the both of you need more time to heal, IMO!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you. It's nice to hear that coming from a guy. I know that I have been so hurt I haven't been able to see my faults in this entire thing until recently. Once I began to heal and was able to understand I have a voice and I can establish boundaries. My husband had no idea who I was or what I wanted because I did so many things to make him happy. And I acted happy even when I wasn't. He wants me back home even though I am stronger and have changed. It's true, he only has recently agreed to stop drinking and meet together with our Pastor. Our Pastor says we need to reconcile sexually soon but I just can't go there until I'm sure. I think you may be right. It will take a lot more time. And sadly I'm not sure my husband will wait that long. But I have peace in my own place right now and I can't lose that. Anyhow; thank you.
 
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