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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need advice from the HD spouses here on how to get over feeling so hurt when you're rejected for sex.

H and I have a number of other issues going on, but this is one thing I've never talked to anyone about and have a lot of pent-up hurt over. From the beginning of our relationship, I've been HD and he's been LD. I wish I'd known then what a major red flag this was! I still remember the first time I came to bed in a sexy black lace bra and thong set... and he rolled over and went to sleep. I thought he was joking around! Then I cried myself to sleep. :(

This continued for years. I'd get sex once or twice a week and I always, always initiated. Finally, the rejection wore on me so much that I just stopped... for a while there when I was post-partum and nursing our kids, our sex drives actually matched up and it was less of a problem. Then my drive came back, but so did all of the memories of being rejected so many times, and now, on top of everything else, sex makes me cringe. I just don't want to do it any more.

How do I fix this? How do I get over being so hurt?? I think now that I never want sex any more, H finally appreciates what he had and wouldn't reject me. Do you think I'll ever get back to wanting to have sex again?
 

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I only have one piece of advice, and it won't necessarily fix your problem. It did help me with the resentment.

You have to remind yourself that this is not an effort on your spouses part to hurt you. You are being who you are, your husband is being who he is, and neither of you is wrong. You're just mismatched. He's probably every bit as hurt by the whole mess as you are, since no doubt he knows that he is in your eyes a sexual failure to his wife.

It is personal, but you have to try to not take it personally, because it isn't your fault.
 

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You stated...

I still remember the first time I came to bed in a sexy black lace bra and thong set... and he rolled over and went to sleep. I thought he was joking around! Then I cried myself to sleep.
I imagine you haven't worn very many sexy things to bed, have you?
You've been married how long?
And you'd get the very same treatment if you were to do this again?
 

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Come on over to my thread as it sound like there are some common themes.

The gist of mine is that my H repeatedly rejected me over a period of months, and it eroded my esteem and has led to a *lot* of resentment. He denies he ever did this. I am more HD than him and it has led to huge problems, not only in our sex life but in many other areas of our marriage. Trust and confidence in him for starters, and his commitment to our marriage for another.

I am part way on a journey of working on me, my issues from this and how to mend myself without help from him. Basically becoming a better person for me. Whether he will come along or not... well I do not know the answer to that ( it makes sense when you progress through the thread.)

Unlike you, my drive stayed pretty constant up till very recently when it has dropped a little when I critically looked at what it was that I found attractive about him and our situation and I was honest about his thoughts and actions.

So in answer to how do you fix this... I would say, work on YOU, what you want, who you are and who you want to be. It helps makes things clearer. It sounds a bit afar from what you are asking, but if you browse my thread it makes a lot more sense.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I imagine you haven't worn very many sexy things to bed, have you?
You've been married how long?
And you'd get the very same treatment if you were to do this again?
Well, live and don't learn is my motto (har har), so it took me a few years to give up on the sexy lingerie. We've been married 9 years, together 12. I'd say I mostly gave up on the lingerie a few years ago.

If I were to put on something sexy right now, he'd go for it, but we haven't had sex in a few weeks. Things are pretty bad right now in all aspects of the marriage. But now I don't want sex any more. Mostly. There's only so long I can go without it, so I jump him every few weeks. But for the most part, we're in a really bad place. And this is one more thing that keeps popping back into my mind.
 

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The part I haven't figured out completely myself yet is how to unlearn bad habits.

I think my wife would be much more agreeable to my initiating sex now than in the first 5 years of our marriage, but our relationship habits were created that far back and honed over many years of practice. That it doesn't have to be that way today is little consolation when you're lying there in bed and you just can't get yourself to ask for sex, even when you KNOW your chance of success is better than it ever was before.

Don't let old habits and patterns blind you to changes in reality. As for the lingerie, maybe that just isn't his thing. My wife has a very specific kind of foreplay that she enjoys - right now, it involves me hanging sheetrock, laying tile, wiring electrical boxes, and otherwise working on the bathroom remodel. All many, many hours before bedtime.

Your husband doesn't respond to crotchless panties. Do you have any notion as to what he DOES respond?
 

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I think now that I never want sex any more, H finally appreciates what he had and wouldn't reject me.
That's pretty unlikely. People who don't care, don't care regardless. If you said no no never he'd be fine with it. At best he'd start to resent YOU. But it begs the question why - why do you think there's such a big disconnect? Do you think he doesn't like sex or he doesn't like sex with you?
 

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I cannot relate to this as my situation is the opposite. Wife tells me she hates sex. I am climbing the walls after 3 days without. My point is that I seriously do not see her desire coming back no matter what I do. In my opinion once it is gone it isnt coming back but who knows everyone is different. I do think it has to do with the degree of love that exists between a couple. I can however relate to how you reacted to all the rejection. Personally I can see myself approaching that and constantly think of ending my marraige. Your husband has no clue how good he has it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He has always said that lingerie didn't do much for him, he liked my cotton t-shirts and undies.

Runs like a dog, I hope it's not me! Ok, but here's something weird. At the beginning of our relationship, he went through this 6 or so month phase of refusing to let me go down on him. Said he didn't like it (wow does that hurt a woman's self-esteem!). Then, just like that, it was ok again. He never explained why, just said he didn't know why he didn't want it. So, I dunno, is that enough to establish a history of sexual hangups?
 

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The part I haven't figured out completely myself yet is how to unlearn bad habits.

I think my wife would be much more agreeable to my initiating sex now than in the first 5 years of our marriage, but our relationship habits were created that far back and honed over many years of practice. That it doesn't have to be that way today is little consolation when you're lying there in bed and you just can't get yourself to ask for sex, even when you KNOW your chance of success is better than it ever was before.

Don't let old habits and patterns blind you to changes in reality. As for the lingerie, maybe that just isn't his thing. My wife has a very specific kind of foreplay that she enjoys - right now, it involves me hanging sheetrock, laying tile, wiring electrical boxes, and otherwise working on the bathroom remodel. All many, many hours before bedtime.

Your husband doesn't respond to crotchless panties. Do you have any notion as to what he DOES respond?
I had to laugh, the one thing that turns my wife on is when Im remodeling the friggen house. I get a reward lol. If I were you I would keep the projects running. That may be a good strategy.
 

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He has always said that lingerie didn't do much for him, he liked my cotton t-shirts and undies.

Runs like a dog, I hope it's not me! Ok, but here's something weird. At the beginning of our relationship, he went through this 6 or so month phase of refusing to let me go down on him. Said he didn't like it (wow does that hurt a woman's self-esteem!). Then, just like that, it was ok again. He never explained why, just said he didn't know why he didn't want it. So, I dunno, is that enough to establish a history of sexual hangups?
Did he every suggest he didn't like how you did it? I tried a while to give my wife directions on what I liked but it never took so I eventually just asked her to stop, to leave it off. I chalk it up to a kind of passive aggressive refusal, like if someone routinely breaks the vacuum cleaner until you stop asking them to use it at all. But maybe your husband has a desire for something very specific or with a bit of kink that he's ashamed of asking for.
 

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He has always said that lingerie didn't do much for him, he liked my cotton t-shirts and undies.

Runs like a dog, I hope it's not me! Ok, but here's something weird. At the beginning of our relationship, he went through this 6 or so month phase of refusing to let me go down on him. Said he didn't like it (wow does that hurt a woman's self-esteem!). Then, just like that, it was ok again. He never explained why, just said he didn't know why he didn't want it. So, I dunno, is that enough to establish a history of sexual hangups?
ok, this is officially a strange problem, a man who doesnt like lingerie and blowjobs? Are you sure he was faithful during that period? To me thats a red flag because imo no man can look away from both those things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
ok, this is officially a strange problem, a man who doesnt like lingerie and blowjobs? Are you sure he was faithful during that period? To me thats a red flag because imo no man can look away from both those things.
I'm pretty sure he was faithful. I've always figured he's too low drive to cheat. Is that a bad assumption?

I tried asking him if it was a technique thing, but if it was, he never said. After the 6 month no BJ spell, he was back to liking them, again no explanation as to why. I don't do anything differently... it just didn't make any sense.

Maybe I should have tried some home renovations! lol.
 

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My wife has a very specific kind of foreplay that she enjoys - right now, it involves me hanging sheetrock, laying tile, wiring electrical boxes, and otherwise working on the bathroom remodel. All many, many hours before bedtime.
Wonder if this works the other way round. Ive been meaning to lay a new bathroom floor and skirting boards for ages. If it would give hubbys sex drive a boost I would start today!
 

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Wonder if this works the other way round. Ive been meaning to lay a new bathroom floor and skirting boards for ages. If it would give hubbys sex drive a boost I would start today!
Strap on a toolbelt and little else, I can't see how you'd fail.
 
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