I was thinking about this yesterday, and a brief conversation I had with my W last night fit in perfectly, so I thought it would be a good topic for conversation.

As an LD (Low Drive/Desire) or HD (High Drive/Desire) person, do you find that your SO (or maybe people in general) have a certain perception about you that may not be accurate?

I've found that if I describe myself (accurately) as a highly sexual person, some people will automatically assume this also means promiscuous, or lacking discernment, or that I was a CSA victim, or that I need validation....blah blah blah. Some people can't seem to understand the difference between highly sexual and sexually desperate.

 

There is often a high degree of shame with having a higher drive than your spouse in my experience as well. Rarely is having a strong drive valued and cherished. I once explained to my wife that I would not trade anything in the world for the desire that I have for her, it was only at that time that she finally started to see it as something valuable. Before that she would shame me and insist that I had a problem.

In my opinion individuals that are highly sexual not only understand and accept ourselves sexually, but we encourage ourselves to embrace it. That "encouragement" from within is what tends to scare other people because they fear it can not be kept under control and that it will lead to destructive behaviors. While in reality it can serve exclusively to strengthen and celebrate a union.

Badsanta

 

One thing I have encountered as being a higher drive person:

- The notion that if you want sex it must be because you are a walking hornball. There are plenty of times I want to have sex with my W not because I am rockin a ragin woody, but more because I crave the intimacy/closeness/connection. I think at times an LD person is unable to differentiate
this, that there is more to sex then just trying to get your rocks off.

On the other side, I can say being a HD person, making the mistake of assuming that if you try hard enough, that should be enough to make an LD person less "LD".

 

Agree with the caveat that a LD person can develop if they desire to.

Mrs. Conan became LD about 10 years in and just told me that she didn't feel the same sexually as she use to.

I have always been HD and possibly getting more HD with middle age and working through my emotional issues.

After many heartfelt discussions and work by both of us, she has increased her libido drastically and altered her nature.

She is initiating sex every day, become far more confident in and out of the bedroom and is honestly starting to intimate me with her abilities.

I don't know if intimidate is the correct term, maybe overwhelmed or surpassed. Those terms are probably more accurate.

 

There is also a difference between HD and being a sex addict. My husband insisted on sex almost daily unless I was menstruating. Sometimes even then although he knew it grossed me out. He WANTED sex about 3x daily but he knew he wasn't going to get that from me. So instead he whacked off in his morning shower, and usually got out of bed after he thought I was asleep and spent the next 2-3 hours whacking off to porn on the internet or cable. On top of that he had a "bit on the side," mostly oral from his students or coworker's, for the entire duration of our marriage not that I found that out until after we split. I know most men can't even do it but I'm guessing he was getting off anywhere from 3-5 times per day for a while there. Granted we were only in our 20s-early 30s at the time.

I honestly don't know if I am HD or LD. He made me LD with him by making sex unenjoyable for me. With another man I might have wanted it as much as I was forced to have it although I think 2-3x per week would probably have suited me more than every single day for the better part of 12 years unless one of us was away for work. And even then I'm guessing he probably got it somewhere.

 

I honestly don't know if I am HD or LD. He made me LD with him by making sex unenjoyable for me. With another man I might have wanted it as much as I was forced to have it although I think 2-3x per week would probably have suited me more than every single day for the better part of 12 years unless one of us was away for work. And even then I'm guessing he probably got it somewhere.

I think it is possible for your drive to be situational. I know some others here have commented that they have been HD with some people and LD with others.

 

@Hellomynameis

Ugh....

I have a drive that high but don't cheat, look at porn or make my wife uncomfortable like that.

Sorry for your bad experiences but what a story!

 

I'm currently LD but have been HD most of my adult life, with dips depending on the strength of the relationship. I'm HD while single, just for the irony.
In my experience pushing a LD into it when they don't want it makes the situation worse.

Sent from my HUAWEI Y360-U31 using Tapatalk

 

There is a lot of range. Some HD people might better be described as sex addicts - wanting sex >1/day as a purely physical thing, not caring about their partners. Some LDs want sex less than once a month, no matter what the circumstances are, even if their partners are the most wonderful people in the world.

Then there are relatively LD and HD people where the HD may prefer sex daily, and the LD weekly.

In these discussions, the LDs who are posting are typically of the second sort, wanting sex maybe a bit more often than weekly, but paired with a HD of the first sort who insists on sex all the time.

The HDs posting typically are the second sort, wanting sex a few times a week, but paired with LDs of the first sort who essentially never want sex.

This makes the discussion difficult.


One thing that applies to me, and I think other (moderatly) HD people is that I do not separate sex from other forms of intimacy. I view it as a natural part of everyday intimacy, hugs, kisses, touches - not as a separate activity. Its clear on the other hand that my LD wife views it as an entirely separate activity.

 

There is a lot of range. Some HD people might better be described as sex addicts - wanting sex >1/day as a purely physical thing, not caring about their partners. Some LDs want sex less than once a month, no matter what the circumstances are, even if their partners are the most wonderful people in the world.

Then there are relatively LD and HD people where the HD may prefer sex daily, and the LD weekly.

In these discussions, the LDs who are posting are typically of the second sort, wanting sex maybe a bit more often than weekly, but paired with a HD of the first sort who insists on sex all the time.

The HDs posting typically are the second sort, wanting sex a few times a week, but paired with LDs of the first sort who essentially never want sex.

This makes the discussion difficult.

I think this is very true. My ex-husband was approaching me for sex so often that I was probably turning him down 75% of the time. And yet, we were having sex usually 5+ times per week, sometimes a good bit more. He would - and did - absolutely describe me as frigid and told both of our MCs that I just didn't like sex. The gulf between my preference for 2-3 times a week and his preference for 2-3 times a day was just so large that one of us was bound to be at least somewhat unhappy. And, yet, I'm not sure I could objectively be described as LD. Nor, I imagine, would his drive be an issue for someone with a drive similar to his own. Our respective drives were simply not compatible.

 

Regarding truly LD people - it would be interesting to do a study to see how many of them have symptoms that would put them on the ASD spectrum. I've read a lot on high functioning autism because my son is borderline, and one thing I have come across more than once is that people on the spectrum tend to run very LD. #1 because they have a hard time connecting emotionally and #2 because many of them can't handle intense physical sensations. And many of the ones who do have higher sex drives often end up coming across as "horndogs" as it was put earlier, because they don't engage their emotions during sex and often come across as selfish regarding their partners' needs. I have often wondered if this was my husband's problem.

 

I have a ASD son also and would argue that they're just as capable being HD. craving and obsessing over release. Also breaking routine etc having difficulty if partner refuses sex on a Friday when that always do it on a Friday. I'd say ASD could go either way.

Sent from my HUAWEI Y360-U31 using Tapatalk

 

P.S. @lifeistooshort

I certainly wouldn't consider you LD. You seem to be very healthy with your frequency.

 

One other perception, which I think FW was alluding to, is trying to draw a correlation between ones drive and how promiscuous they are. Just because you are HD doesn't mean you engage in frequent casual sex, or are always on the hunt to get laid at all costs with whoever is willing and able. You can be very sexual and have a healthy sex drive, all contained within a relationship. On the other hand, just b/c you have run up a large body count doesn't necessarily mean you are high drive. I did know several women who had a "large" count, but the reality was they had low self esteem and engaged in casual sex b/c that is what they thought they needed to do to get the guy to like them. You run into issues here, where a guy sees this, figures that she must love sex so expect this non stop once they get into a relationship, only to find out that it really isn't the case for her (maybe a bait & switch, not necessarily).

 

The LD may have a predetermined SLA (frequency) and they may be reluctant to go over it because of fear of more sex expectations if they go along. Likewise if they enjoy too much, etc they fear that may trigger higher expectations from their partners.

I am not generalizing but it's something to consider. They come to see intimacy not as an integral part of a marriage but as a vacation or expensive eating out experience of sorts.

Once they're in this mindset it's not easy - often possible - to change their attitude. Culture and FOO play into this as well.

 

The sense that it is a negotiation and that giving ground will just result in more requests is a big problem.

If the HD wants 3x/week and the LD 1/month, then if the LD "agrees" to 1/week, they may feel that they will still be pressured for more. The problem is that the natural affection the HD feels from some increase in sex life may be perceived as "pressure" by the LD.

 

I wonder how much of today's culture causes us HD people to think about sex more. Are we more sensitive to being aroused by things we see and hear vs our LD spouses? Does this exacerbate our situations?

Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk

 

So here's a question. If I'm LD with my partner but masturbate frequently, am I truly LD? Or just situationally LD?

 

I think it depends on why you masturbate but don't want sex.

If your partner is a poor or selfish lover, then you are not LD, you just have a bad partner.

If you might enjoy sex with other people of your partner's gender, then you may just have no attraction for your partner.

If you might enjoy sex with someone of a different gender than your partner, then your orientation doesn't match your relationship.

If you enjoy masturbation but not sex with anyone, then this may be sort of like an "orientation:. Since there are people attracted to men, attracted to women, or attracted to both, I don't see why there can't be people who are attracted to neither, but still enjoy O's.

 

It requires less selfishness to have good sex with a partner because you consider their desires for a good experience that is.

Masturbation is purely self serving and no consideration is needed for another.

I love orgasms but I love a lot of things about life.

I'm passionate and any partner wanting to pursue me knows it.

No deceit going in.

A woman that didn't want to be regularly ravaged and sent to bed bowlegged need not apply! LOL!

I'm not into false advertising so someone who wanted far less sex and more masturbation would have avoided me.

Sex is very bonding. I am personally convinced of the superiority of regular and frequent sexual intercourse, foreplay and oral too please, over self gratification for the health of couples and their interaction on many levels.

 

It requires less selfishness to have good sex with a partner because you consider their desires for a good experience that is.

Absolutely agree :smile2:

Masturbation is purely self serving and no consideration is needed for another.

I also agree. In part. Masturbation is self-serving. However... sex can also be self-serving!

Some HD's may approach their spouse for sex. The spouse isn't interested in sex. The HD (not all, but some) THEN ask, "Well, can I get a bj or a handjob instead?" The LD then thinks that (s)he JUST wants the orgasm! If (s)he just wants the orgasm, why can't (s) do it him/herself LIKE *I* JUST DID AN HOUR AGO?! The LD might give you that handjob/blowjob, and in many cases, (s)he is also going to feel used....which would cause the LD to become MORE LD.

I love orgasms but I love a lot of things about life.

The LD can also love orgasms. Just not as many. Too many and it becomes mundane. I understand that the HD typically thinks, "If you love sex, then why don't you want it MORE OFTEN?" The answer is an answer that *you've* all heard before. Too much (for the LD) and sex becomes routine. It loses it's 'specialness'. I absolutely LOVE sushi, but if I HAD to eat it every day, several times a day, it would quickly lose it's appeal. It would become boring.

I'm passionate and any partner wanting to pursue me knows it.

No deceit going in.

A woman that didn't want to be regularly ravaged and sent to bed bowlegged need not apply! LOL!

I'm not into false advertising so someone who wanted far less sex and more masturbation would have avoided me.

Sex is very bonding. I am personally convinced of the superiority of regular and frequent sexual intercourse, foreplay and oral too please, over self gratification for the health of couples and their interaction on many levels

The "regular" and "frequent" part is the off-putting part. It almost seems...unnatural.

Badsanta wrote something a few weeks/months ago on another thread that got me thinking. He said something like (I'm paraphrasing here Badsanta, so don't shoot me yet, lol!) that he put his wife 'on notice' that he was going to want to ravage her the following day. But then he added that he wasn't even aroused when he told her that! And, that once he told her that, he became aroused. The first thing I thought was, "'Gee Badsanta. Can you actually schedule your horniness?!" :scratchhead: It just seemed unnatural.

Maybe part of the problem is that perception of the LD is that the HD as "always horny", and would rather have the sexual experience NOT because the HD is horny...?

 

When I first met my husband his drive was much higher than my own and his experience vastly outweighed mine. It was intimidating to be honest, but I fell hard and fast (no pun intended) for him. I was quite shy and more reserved sexually and the word "prude" had been used to describe me before. I honestly just accepted that I'm LD and my husband was HD and he would always be frustrated with me. But boyyyyy was I wrong. Once I learned some new tricks and felt reassured by my husband that he's crazy about me, I honestly WORKED HARD on raising my drive. We were so mismatched before, thinking back I can imagine how hard it must have been for him (again no pun intended). But his happiness was important to me. I went from a sexual noob who fumbled her way through it and felt like a fool doing so, to a confident lover who's pretty much his sex slave. Now ten years later we are both HD people and we are intimate pretty much daily (kids and life can interfere) and NOTHING (except other people) is out of bounds.

I firmly believe people can alter their drives AND their likes. Often either one or both of these things can cause marital or LTR turmoil. Look at me, I went from LD my whole adult life with zero interest in anything other than vanilla sex, who though BJ's were "grosse" *prude alert* to a woman with a VERY VERY VERY high drive that LOVES to experiment and cannot get enough of my husband in any way I can have him.

LD's I'm telling you, you are missing out! I know, trust me!

Once that whole drive mismatch is taken care of, tensions lower and you no longer bicker as much, there isn't as much hurt feelings/feelings of neglect or under appreciation, your whole relationship can improve greatly!

 

I definitely agree with your post, probably because in many ways it does relate to my marriage. My W is somewhere in the "lower" drive, but more towards responsive desire (always ready and willing to go ... as long as I am the one making the effort to initiate).

The interesting thing, my W will be the first one to acknowledge how much better our relationship is when we have an active sex life. It is clear she is happier, in a better mood, etc... So this begs the question, if she realizes this, why does she make very little effort to help maintain our sex life (i.e. it is just as likely we go a month or longer without sex as it is us having sex multiple times in a month)? I think in part, it requires work (i.e. between working long hours, raising a young family , etc...). Waiting for the "right time" is not the best approach, especially given our situation (her perception is that, "ok, maybe tomorrow it will work out", and then tomorrow comes and goes, rinse and repeat).

So this got me thinking, and I think this relates more to a couple where they are in an otherwise healthy relationship (aside from a drive mismatch). I actually saw another member here post something similar. I think between an HD person and LD person, there might be a different mindset. The HD person will look for reasons why they should have sex, whereas the LD person will look for reasons why they shouldn't have sex. So in the case of my W, she definitely likes the idea of having more frequent sex, but falls back frequently on the reasons why we can't at that point (i.e. kids, etc...). I am the opposite where I see the challenges we face managing work, family life, etc.. and instead look for ways to work around it (trying to schedule days off when the kids are in school. early morning sex, etc...).

 

The problem is maybe one of perception:

 

If sex without orgasm is good for you why don't you do it anytime a partner wants?

If the HD wants it every day, NEVER gets that, mostly gets it once or twice a month - 6.7% 'success rate' - LOL, don't expect him or her to be happy with a non-completion.

If it makes you feel better to deprive your partner of an easily achievable orgasm you could discuss that. I might go along with brief daily no completion sex for 80% of the encounters for instance. But hardly any sex with even fewer orgasms is not going to fly...

 

If sex without orgasm is good for you why don't you do it anytime a partner wants?

Because MOST of the time, the partner WANTS the orgasm! The LD feels "used" for the orgasm.

 

As an LD (Low Drive/Desire) or HD (High Drive/Desire) person, do you find that your SO (or maybe people in general) have a certain perception about you that may not be accurate?

Perception can be dangerous because people can often by incorrect in their perception about anyone. Remember the old cliché, "perception is reality?" Well it's true!

When I have gone out in public with my wife she will put on an act and take me by the hand as she walks with me down the street. She will even have the audacity to call me "honey" in front of people. Yet, when she is at home she can be the most autocratic, cold unloving woman you would every want to meet.

Now say people see me with a frown on my face as my petite wife walks with me hand in hand down the street. They could very well think I was some lug not wanting to me with his wife, when in reality she's the cold one who is withholding love and sex.

 

I think orgasms are ~50% of sex, personally. When one orgasms, there's a rush of endorphins and other chemicals that increase bonding and provide euphoric feelings, and other sciency hoopla.

That said, I've had sex with my wife before in which I did not orgasm, and it was mutually satisfying. It is still a goal, however - for both of us. However it does not severely impact the level of emotional closeness either one of us achieves if it doesn't happen. I am actually not sure she's ever had sex with me and not orgasmed, though, so she might not be a good example for this. She's one of those lucky (?) women who achieves orgasm quickly and easily and with little effort. It has little, if anything, to do with me.

What I see here, like it or not, are women who view the orgasm as not being the goal. Most, if not all, women have had partners, or at least encounters, in which orgasm appears to be, or outright IS, the goal - for him. Sex for the sake of sex. Women typically want more (not 100% of the time, of course).

Ideally, one would want both. In reality, it's not so, I don't think. If a woman could only choose intimacy OR orgasm, many (most?) would choose intimacy. Men? Orgasm.

That doesn't mean either sex doesn't want both.

Regardless, my point was that many, if not all women have experienced a male partner who seems only focused on orgasm, with minimal (or no) attention to intimacy. Not all men have experienced the same in reverse - a female partner who only wants to get off, our satisfaction be damned. If that happened to me regularly, I, too, would probably feel the same way.

 

Like others here have stated, it is possible to have sex and completely enjoy it without orgasm. That being said, I would guess if that became frequent (no orgasm) the sex would become less desirable, nothing wrong with that as the O still does play a very important role.
@FeministInPink hits an important point as well. Giving (or receiving) an orgasm with your partner takes it to another level versus taking care of yourself (I am sure this doesn't apply to everyone, but I share the same sentiments as FIP).

Falling back on the "feeling used solely for an orgasm" helps shift the focus IMO to the partner. If you tell yourself that you are nothing more than an object to your partner, it is easy to deflect and make it their problem (in some cases, I am sure this is in fact accurate, so not completely dismissing). However, in the instance where you are not responsive to your partner and can't fall back on the "I am just an object to him/her" view, then I think it forces you to have to look at yourself and maybe ask yourself some uncomfortable questions (i.e. why am I not into him/her, etc...).

 

LOL!

Some interesting processes going on out there.

My wife and I enjoy many levels and forms of intimacy.

It isn't an either or when it comes to orgasms.

Sex always includes at least one for her and me, sometimes more.

We always take our time and enjoy because our kids are gone.

We don't like Parcheesi but word games.😁

 

In an interesting twist, my wife gets unhappy if *I* don't get an O. When we do have sex she feels like things have gone wrong if she doesn't get me off.

 

I am HD adventurous
Mrs.CuddleBug is LD conservative

I could have sex every day, sometimes multiple times
She could have sex 1x month and is happy and clueless

I used to initiative but having sex 1x week was almost too much for her, so I stopped initiating altogether.

When she initiates, her usual 1x month, I am not in the mood, nope, no thanks.

1x week or more to Mrs.CuddleBug, in her mind, all I want is sex sex sex. Yet the average for a healthy sex drive is 3x week or more.

I just use my sex toy when I get really in the mood and no longer pester Mrs.CuddleBug for intimacy. She has her almost sexless marriage, eats chips, watches tv, on her laptop, talks with her sister and parents and reads.

She also knows her weight is a serious issue, meaning she can loose 80+ lbs and she is getting bigger. She knows she needs to do something but never gets around to it.......that type of woman.

Yet today, the ladies are taking care of themselves and are just as sexual as the men. I guess I wasn't as fortunate....

 

That's how I feel except my husband isn't overweight. He does not take care of himself though. He has a job that involves him sitting around. I go for walks. I'm no fitness buff by any means, but I make an attempt. I get tired of initiating too because it isn't well recieved. I try not to pressure him. If he says he's tired, not feeling well, etc., I don't even try. It's too bad he feels like that regularly. What burns me up is that he seems content to masterbate a few times a week. Why not come to me when he knows I'm willing and waiting? Sometimes I don't feel like being faithful, even though I am 100% because it feels like he's happier expending his 'energy' somewhere else. I crave sex. It makes me feel wanted and loved if it is with my SO.

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk

 

In a lot of mismatched drives the non low desire partner may simply hope for scraps of intimacy that rarely lead to anything. There always seems to be some reason that things don't - at least some of the time - take their natural path.

So, the non zero desire partner goes into hope springs eternal mode...

It's once again a numbers issue. I don't think anyone expects insta-intercourse for every non sexual touch, but if one is batting .000 or close to it in, ehem, 2 point conversions... Then they go ummm.

A healthy relationship involves both types. Either extreme ain't healthy.

 

Manufactured responsibilities. We had a lot more sex 20 years ago with two toddlers and preparing our dissertations than we do now when said toddlers are in college.

 

Its possible that neither the LD or HD are deficient, that one or the other is, or that both are.

Lots of different situations.