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How well does your sex drive match with your spouse?

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Discussion Starter #1
I am new here, but have an coping strategy that has bothered me for a while. My wife and I had a great sexual relationship early on in marriage 5-7 times a week. Then it went down to 2-3 and now it is 1 time a week for her. I never changed though. In order to cope I started going to strip bars and eventually had oral sex by someone else. I told my wife and we reconciled and I don't want to do that again. For the last 5 years I have found that in order to cope, I masturbate 2 to 3 times per week while waiting for her 1 time a week which I gratefully will take. My problem is my self esteem has gone down. I have never told her I do this because she would get upset. She used to do it doggiestyle all the time and now refuses to do even that saying she does not feel comfortable. When I approach her she says I only think about one thing all the time and refuses to even talk about compromise. I would like to go back to what we used to have early in our marriage. I am tired of porn and masturbation.

How do you get out of this?
 

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Do you still love her?

Do you feel she still loves you?

How is the rest of your relationship?

Do you have kids?

How long together total?

What is your relationships histories before each other?
 

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She has no reasonable reply and it is like a wall. She says I think about sex too much.
 

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I love her very much and she loves me. We have 3 kids. We have been together 25 years.
 

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Ever had any counseling together or apart?

If not, time to start now.

If yes, call your counselor and make an appointment.

Fight for it, work for it, ask her to fight for it and work for it, too. If you do really love each other, you can work something out.
 

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Actually we saw a counselor a while ago and it worked for a while and she was great. Then it slipped back to where it is now.
 

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Like a lot of people in your shoes, you probably have some bit of a problem with being lovingly assertive in getting your own needs met. Get back in counseling, get some assertiveness training, be present and aware in your relationship to her and have the intent to have a great sex life again.
 

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One way I have coped is to withdraw emotionally. I feel like my needs are not being met so I "go in a cave". Watch tv, focus on hobbys and work. I have no problem telling what I want, its just that she is not willing to bend.
 

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Is it harder on a low drive person to make an effort. I feel like the only reason she made an effort before is because she realized for once that she might lose me due to infidelity. Now that she no longer faces that she feels secure in being at where she wants to be.
 

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How do Low drive spouses view their high drive spouse? Do they understand our frustration in life?
 

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I dunno, unless your wife is totally selfish, she has to understand that your needs are different from hers and *try to compromise. Also, have you considered that perhaps your overstimulating yourself. Like, if you watch a lot of porn or go to strip clubs a lot...those things could be driving your sex drive instead of your natural inclinations. I know I can feel perfectly fine. Then, I watch a dirty movie, and I'm dying to have sex. Maybe that's happening to you.
 

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One way I have coped is to withdraw emotionally. I feel like my needs are not being met so I "go in a cave". Watch tv, focus on hobbys and work. I have no problem telling what I want, its just that she is not willing to bend.
Did you leave the "over" off the end of your post? But really it is your passive responses that are a big part of the issue.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Steve - in the same boat as you. It sucks (no pun intended!)

Lots of people here are suggesting MC...it is certainly an avenue to try but only, ONLY if both parties are prepared to go, listen, talk openly, take on board, do etc.

My wife and I went to MC. When the discussions turned to sex etc she said we didn't have a problem and stopped going.
She thinks duty sex 3-4 times a year is perfectly acceptable.

I am simply a sordid and disgusting sex maniac for wanting it 1-2 a week and want to give and receive oral.

So MC only works (and not always) when both parties are receptive to it.

It sounds as if the OP's wife is like mine...wants all the 'trappings' of marriage; the 'respectibility', the house, car, dog etc but not that other sordid and disgusting thing that comes with marriage; sex with her husband.
 

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Steven,

There are so many sexless marriage threads on TAM. If you search, you'll find many who have slept in your spot in the bed. There are several who are still there.

Read MMSLP and other books to up your sex ranking and create a dynamic to create desire on her side.

Are you overweight? Smoke? The only bad habit you have is porn, which you would like to drop.

Read Machivelli's posts on the effect upper body appearance has.

Listen to you wife when she talks. Acknowledge issues in your lives that concern her.

Read Bagdon's thread.

Also, be prepared to consider life without her. If you have the courage to say you can go on and find someone new, despite the destruction of your family, that will in some sense make you more confident. That confidence alone may in fact make you more attractive, as long as you don't act like a jerk.

A sexless marriage is a horrible problem but there is hope. Much better than having a WAW or cheater spouse.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Actually, I am not overweight. I work out twice a week. I don't smoke. I am highly driven in life and very successful financially. After reading about others, a once a week spouse is not as bad as 3-4 times a year. Ouch. As far as overstimulating, I found that when I get a desire with my wife, I can string it out with thinking about it, strip clubs, etc. or I can just go in my room and masturbate for 15 minutes and I am done and can move on. Not the ideal, but it saves a lot of money and does not involve another person. Also, you do not get bonded to another person which brings up other problems. I guess in a lot of cultures many men take on mistresses for this reason. Has anyone given their spouse an ultimatum saying things need to change or we need to move on? What have been the results?
 

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I ended my marriage due to it being sexless, maybe I am jaded but I really don't see any hope in sexless marriages, very few actually survive it.

I didn't answer your poll because my reply needs explanation.
In my past life I was the HD and he was LD.
In my current relationship we are both equally HD. I would never, ever remain in a mismatched relationship again.
 

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OP, I think resentment is the number one killer of marriages. It kills libido in women, causes men to withdraw, and disconnects partners from one another emotionally. I'm certain you resent the lack of sex in your marriage. I'm also fairly certain your wife resents some things that have gone on in your marriage as well.

I think you probably do need the NMMNG book/plan. You sound a little passive, and perhaps also a little passive-aggressive. Work on that for yourself, to make you a better man in all areas of your life.

I'm also going to suggest getting two books, both by Willard Harley. Lovebusters will teach you and your wife all the things you're both doing to kill your love for each other. His Needs, Her Needs will teach you and your wife what one another actually needs to feel loved, and in love, and how to get back the romantic connection in your marriage. Both are available from the Marriage Builders website and from major booksellers like Amazon or Barnes & Noble. Read them together if possible, and go over the questions at the end of the chapters together. Really talk to one another about what your needs are, really think about the things each of you do that hurt your partner, make a plan to do better. Then actually follow through. Both of you. Both of you will need to get on board with doing the work it will take to save your marriage, and to keep doing that work long-term.

If you've gone through both books with your wife and the marriage does not improve, then at least you will have given it a solid effort. At that point, you will have the skills and knowledge to make a good decision for your self going forward.
 

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Resentment.....very much so.
I have tried to be a good husband....be interested in my wife, what she does, what sort of a day she has had, be attentive to her needs etc.

However, years of sexual rejection, being called a pervert for wanting to give and receive oral have made me very resentful.

I feel she has deprived me of one of mans basic need in life/marriage - sex. Its how we bond, show and feel love.

We don't argue but I certainly don't instigate conversations with her unless about shopping etc.

So yes...unless you sort things out - even if it leads to a separation etc - sort it and dont end up feeling as resentful as I (and many others) do.
 
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