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Last year, around May 2011, one night my husband's cell was blinking. He had fallen asleep without putting under his pillow like he normally does(I had always felt a little uncomfortable with how closely he clung to his phone). I thought that it was disturbing that he was getting a text this late so I picked it up and looked at the alert(something I often wish I could take back). At first I just thought maybe he was receiving spam text messages. But when I began to look further I discovered the most sexually explicit exchanges between him and some female whom I have never met. What popped up were very disgusting pictures of a woman's body parts. I think the texts hurt me more than the pictures. He sent her messages stating "is that all mine?" (referring to her body parts). Some of the text messages between their sexual ones were of him checking in to make sure she was okay and if he had offended her. Saying things like are we still cool. One of his text messages were of him saying he would be by after work(this one really hit me hard). I was thinking this could not be from my husband. He was rarely late coming home from work (but this fact did not completely console me because his job is so flexible that he could get off at any given time and it not affect his pay). This is the person who I have shared some of the best years of my life with. The man who came home every day and gave me a kiss or hug and played around with the kids. How could this be happening? I felt like those messages were sent by a complete stranger. I had looked at those messages for what felt like an hour because I was in such disbelief. Then I began to weep uncontrollably. I was so hurt that I got sick to my stomach. He heard me and got up. I immediately confronted him about it. All he could say was he was sorry over and over again. It was as if he was "trying" to look remorseful rather than actually being remorseful. I asked who it was and he told me it was someone he had met at a previous job(which he had left over 4 years from that day). I asked had this been going on for all that time and he said no that he had run into her a few months prior and they exchanged numbers. He said it started off as innocent flirting but before he knew it gotten out of control. I asked how far it had gotten and he said that they have never met. He said no so I asked him about the text of him saying he would stop by after work. He said it was just a part of the fantasy and that he never actually acted on it. He stated he had been feeling insecure and she made him feel like he was still sexy and desired. To this I asked "don't I make you feel that way?" and he had the nerve to reply "you're my wife, so you're supposed to show me affection.".. I could not believe this was his rationale and that he would even allow that to come out of mouth. The thing that scares me is there were no signs(at least none that I noticed) except for how closely he clung to his cell. We have since done some serious work on relationship. I decided to give him another chance. I let him know that my trust in him was tarnished by this incident and that it would take time. Initially, he would bring flowers, take me out, give massages and try to make me laugh all the time. But that all stopped after about a month or two, once he felt like I wasn't as mad about it anymore. But the truth is I still get furious about it and I cry about it when something reminds me of it. As, if I wasn't having a hard enough time getting over it, her daughter and my son were put into the same classroom in school. So we had to see her at school functions. I remember her face well because it was etched into my memory. He had made it seem like she did not live close and when I asked him about it when we got home, he acted like he did not see her there only made matters worse. We really don't talk about it anymore but I still think about it constantly, I get so angry with myself because I think I let him off too easy and that he will eventually do it again. I don't know if I should tell him that I am still not over it. I have kept this to myself, I do not have an outlet for this irritation. It is just building up. He is on a four day work-related trip right now and I cannot help but wonder if she has traveled there too. Would he be so bold. Its driving me crazy not knowing how far he went and whether he would do it again. We have two young children. I left my parents and siblings in another state to live in his hometown after we got married 10 years ago. So I do not have a support system in this area. I feel all alone with this situation because I do not want them to worry about me. I just don't know what to do.
 

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Sorry, you are here.
Yes, you decided to reconcile with him without (1) completely understanding the extent of his A. (2) him showing true remorse, (3) him being willing to do the heavy weightlifting to put the relationship in order.
Are you financially dependent on him?
Can you do more digging?
 

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No, I am not financially dependent on him, we make about the same amount. I have done as much digging as I can do without purchasing expensive software or equipment or hiring a PI. We now have a shared cell that he uses most of the time but it is squeaky clean. I have checked his facebook when he leaves it open and haven't found anything, the same goes for his emails. He appears to be on the up and up. But he is extremely clever and often makes remarks about how stupid someone else who gets caught cheating is for their careless mistakes, which does nothing to help him regain my trust.
 

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No, I am not financially dependent on him, we make about the same amount. I have done as much digging as I can do without purchasing expensive software or equipment or hiring a PI. We now have a shared cell that he uses most of the time but it is squeaky clean. I have checked his facebook when he leaves it open and haven't found anything, the same goes for his emails. He appears to be on the up and up. But he is extremely clever and often makes remarks about how stupid someone else who gets caught cheating is for their careless mistakes, which does nothing to help him regain my trust.
He is clever.
He may be using some other cell phone, something like temporary.
He may have a secret emai id.
He may have a secret FB account.
I doubt very much.

I dont think he is remorseful because he says he got caught due to his careless mistakes.

I know how difficult it is to live in a marriage without trust.

PI?
 

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1]No, I am not financially dependent on him.


2]. But he is extremely clever and often makes remarks about how stupid someone else who gets caught cheating is for their careless mistakes, which does nothing to help him regain my trust.
Always respect yourself.

If you are not financially dependent on him , and he's still flirting with the idea of infidelity,
Then you know what you have to do.

If you are not sure,
Re read YOUR point # 1

If you don't respect yourself then he won't respect you.
 

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If they are sexting, how do you know it wasn't a PA? Sorry, in my book if someone is so free to send body pictures over the air they have no problem with providing them in person.

Get a VAR and a GPS hide it in his car so you can track him and find out what he is saying when he is not with you.

Sorry, from what you have stated, there is more going on then you are being led to believe.
 

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I wouldn't believe him, based on those messages. I would strongly suspect its gone past sexting.

Keep in mind that there are TONS of apps that you can use to message, and none of them will show up on your cell bill. Heck, you can do that with "Words with Friends". It takes about 30 seconds to create a new email or Skype account. Apps can be installed and removed in about 5 seconds, and on a daily basis, as well.

Just saying not to be complacent just because you have access to his cell account and phone records.

C
 

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I've been exactly where you are. The first time I found my STBXH cellphone messages I wanted to go throughup. Sure we were in a tough place in our marriage, but I took us to MC and he quit. He didn't like someone telling him how to talk to others. He looked me straight in the eyes and said it was no big deal... it meant nothing... he'd stop... He didn't. I was dumb to trust him the first time without verification. I'm not that dumb anymore. His EA just multiplied into more womean and several PAs. He remains unremorseful.

I'm telling you this because I don't want you to end up where I am. Go verify. Demand counseling. If he refuses, well then you know how important his marriage is to him, and you have to decide how important it is to you.
 
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Discussion Starter #10
Thank you for your replies. I believe in making a marriage work and this is the reason for me giving him the second chance. I have never been with anyone else. He and I met through his cousin(who is my best friend). He and I were friends first and then it developed into a relationship. I was still in high school and he had graduated two years prior. I come from a very religious background and divorce does not come easy for me. I want to make it work, so going to a marriage counselor is definitely something I would do, however he brings up the cost of doing so, stating he feels we can handle it on our own. With the exception of his indiscretions, he is a great husband and father. He is respected in the community. He seems as though he isn't doing anything, but my issue is that he did not seem to be doing anything before I found the messages, yet he was being unfaithful. Also, I think his problem lies in the fact that he does not see this as cheating, he feels it is wrong, but not cheating. All he kept focusing on while we were dealing with it was that he never actually had a physical relationship with her. I have thought about whether this was enough to uproot my children from their lives over. If I did decide to leave him. We would be moving either 8 hrs away(back to my hometown) or 16hrs away (to live near my brother). In either case there would be some complications with custody and when I think of it all. I think that I should be absolutely sure this was not just him trying to get a confidence boost. So I am leaning more towards the counselor. I just need to get him to agree to it.
 

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Also, I would definitely use gps or some type of equipment to track him. But because we work to live beneath our means that we both keep a close eye on our finances. We report to each other for everything we spend, even conveniece store purhcases because this keeps us on budget. So I do know he is not spending any money on anyone else, but that doesn't mean anything to me.
 

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If he does not believe that he was cheating and is highly respected in the community, then ask him to take a poll amongst his peers. Both men and women. State the situation and ask for a response. I am sure he will have a rude awaking. Or you can just ask him if it is okay for you to send pictures and make plans of the nature with another man, and just not follow through with the plans. I bet his answer changes.
 

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But he is extremely clever and often makes remarks about how stupid someone else who gets caught cheating is for their careless mistakes, which does nothing to help him regain my trust.
This is a bad sign.

Can you hire a detective to follow him for at least a day?
 

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Also, I would definitely use gps or some type of equipment to track him. But because we work to live beneath our means that we both keep a close eye on our finances. We report to each other for everything we spend, even conveniece store purhcases because this keeps us on budget. So I do know he is not spending any money on anyone else, but that doesn't mean anything to me.
I do not believe him spending money is the issue. He can have plenty of cake without spending money. There are many samples out there for free.
 

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Also, I think his problem lies in the fact that he does not see this as cheating, he feels it is wrong, but not cheating. All he kept focusing on while we were dealing with it was that he never actually had a physical relationship with her.
He is so wrong. Sexual intercourse is not necessary to constitute infidelity. He was sexting. He was seeking sexual fulfillment outside of the marital relationship and kept this from you.
He lied. He kept this completely inappropriate relationship secret from you. He transferred intimate emotions meant for his spouse to a third party. You need to convince him that all marriages have boundaries, and the fact that he does not appreciate how his conduct crossed your boundary demands intervention. If he is unwillng to go to MC, can you seek counseling from your church? If he is unwilling to seek some counseling, this will happen again.
 

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As a woman who has experienced this first hand, I can tell you that you have got to stop obsessing about this. Get him to acknowledge your feelings. If I were you, I would ask him to put himself in your shoes. How would he feel if a man were sexting you? And would that behavior be appropriate. After he has acknowledged your feelings, squash the issue and move on. Or it will keep your relationship from growing.
 
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