Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I come to realize and maybe I am wrong! but has anyone imagined crazy thoughts in your head. This is ME! Is he with her..was she next to him when i just called. Was he getting Head.. why didnt he love me this am. Was he saving himself. Did he see her briefly behind my back when he walked to store?Where was he? What did he do all day? Is he lying? We have been working out our marriage and til today even though he stated he would never hurt me! Why am I going crazy and my brain keeps going on and on like this. He is commited to me he states, and only me! :confused:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
He has not cheated according to him during our separation! I just insisted he did because of my gut instincts at one point in MAY.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,461 Posts
Weird you would post this... I was just having some paranoia. (Husband called to say he was going to be late coming home from work. I was like "ok", then after I hung up I started to wonder... Is he REALLY staying late? Is this a guise for him to do something else)?

Anyhow, I can say the past definitely influences my current thinking. Has he betrayed you before? It seems that way from your post... And if that is the case, I would say your thoughts are normal for a BS... :/
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I never had any sord of proof ..but back in May I had 2 days of hysterical crying and gut feelings that he did something to me! He never admits to it.. I know he wont! WHo would? but I guess it just drove me crazy til now I wondered why did I go through that! Oh well I have to move on and love him!That he is with me!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,174 Posts
I guess I used to have those kind of thoughts and I suppose the more involved you are in a relationship the more prone you are to having them. In my case, they were justified as ex was lying and most likely cheating and if not then the lying and involvement with multiple OW even on a psychological basis was ridiculous, coupled with how he treated me. So all things combined where I thought it was healthier to leave the relationship - and it was :)

My last boyfriend I didn't have those thoughts because honestly, he was a bit below my criteria and I figured if he found another woman who he was into and who was into him that would not crush me. I could deal with it.

Now I'm involved with someone and he travels and it's a relatively new relationship and I know him well enough to know that he's had some past issues with relationships and wouldn't do that to me, in all honestly I think that he probably struggles more with me being faithful than I do with him, or it's an acknowledged fact of life right now that new relationship maybe we just shouldn't be worrying about this stuff ahead of the game, so to speak. I would rather be shocked by finding something out than run myself ragged by worrying about it. Really, I think some perspective is in order in a balanced relationship, the worry and reassurances are bilateral. In your case you are separated so presumably not meeting each other's sexual needs, and is there really an OW or is it imagined for you too? My inclination is to not be too challenged by contenders. If there were serious contenders my guy would be married, and would not have said the very nice things he did to me. He's way too busy to be a player at that level, lol.

I think maybe lack of confidence and not understanding guy's position when it comes to jealousy makes us feel like we worry about the guy but we think that because we feel honest and we know we would never cheat, it should be obvious to the guy. It's not. And if they are cheating or thinking about cheating, you can be sure they're spending some significant time worrying about what you would be doing when they're doing that!

In the end you should not spend your energy feeding the beast so to speak. Jealousy is one thing but if you let it possess you, you will go nuts. Then because you're nuts, you'll be thinking, well, why wouldn't he cheat on me, I'm a wreck!

So, as you can see, don't go there until and unless you have proof. Focus on your securities in life, such as that you are loveable, you have pride in being honest, you allow yourself to love someone (and in the process of that, try to address your worries and spare them from having them expressed inappropriately, i.e. out of line comments...) and find ways to get yourself reassurances that you are on the right path.

You can always read Othello or The Winter's Tale (or watch movie versions) to get a sense of the importance of getting a grip, so to speak. Focus on ways you can make yourself mentally stronger, and ways to be emotionally stronger, and on ways to make your relationship more emotionally intimate. If you keep focusing on the physical, you're not going to have the security you need to go the distance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I am giving you a great big Hug..I am feeling better. It is true I never focused on me or the things that make me happy..I just analyize him for everything ! & he don't even know it! I have to stop telling myself I wont alow my self to think I am going crazy. As of today! I will work on me, myself and I.

We do however make love everyday! except this am and then I became a worryward! But, now everyone here and other post have made me feel totally better. Java has issues similar to mine..& so did another gentleman. WOW life is so strange humans are incredible similar...lol
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
280 Posts
When I was dating (b.m. = before marriage) I took the approach with girls I really cared about, that I wanted to know they were honest. I would put on my P.I. (private investigator) hat and follow up on things they said. If they said they had class X at school, I would go to that class and see if they showed up for the class, or if the girl said she worked at Y, I'd go there and find her working there. After a while, when everything she said matched, I knew I didn't have to worry or snoop around to verify the trust I had placed in that girl.

My wife has traveled extensively over the past 10 years doing trade shows and teaching workshops. Most of the attendees are Men. I have never worried for 1 second about her there. I take the attitude that if some other guy is insane enough to tangle with her, then it's his own damned fault if he dares to get too close to her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,174 Posts
lol my date knows what I'm doing at work these days. I work under his business partner. But I'll be at a hospital and I'm sure I'll be asked out. I'll accept lunch offers for sure, why not...still very single so far as I know and no harm in being sociable and making connections safely. However, it would take a lot for me to have any serious interest, and if that occurred, there would have to be a discussion with anyone I was more serious about. The time period of meeting the right person and being married if it is the right person is just so well, sucky in some ways, and liberating in others. I mean, I really want to explore to make sure I'm not interested in anyone else. I get that, and honestly, I would want to make sure the guy does a full disclosure for himself as well. I'd hate to be chosen just because of some rule book. I want him to make absolutely sure. And I'm not dumb, it works both ways, I'm aware of what is behind any behavior I might be inclined towards (not to say I would pursue past point of reason/physical) but honestly, there has to be some testing of realities. marriage should be forever, and you should be damn sure of it. I have not tested enough in past. Just gone by the rule book, this time I'm doing full disclosures into the little murky areas of my subconscious, even if it's ultimately humiliating and disturbing to my sensibilities at times.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top