Hi this is my first post as you can see, I have been searching for a place for advice on how to handle my colossal screw up. And I hope I found it.
So here is the background, I'm 36yrs father of two wonderful kids(11/17). And the "Former" wonderful husband to my best friend of the last 17yrs. We meet in high school married, had a child very early and have been together ever since.
We have gone through our ups and downs in the last 17yrs. Neither of us have been perfect(no affairs or anything) and we know it. We have soldiered on though and developed a wonderful and happy trusting relationship together. We have really developed into each others soul mates. I can honestly say that there is not another person in this world who would ever replace my wife. And I don't ever want anyone else to replace her. So with that being said I'll get on with the story.
So last Friday before I went to work we were discussing our continuation in our Adopting process, we are currently enrolled in a china adoption processes. It's been ongoing for about 6yrs. Life is very good for us , we have the "normal" worries a mom and dad have about their kids at this age(social, school, sports) but we are very stable. So anyways, I get to work and about 3 hours in to my shift I get a call from my wife saying how she Hates me , she can't believe I would do this to her and she has never really known me in these last 17yrs. If we didn't have these kids and more money she would divorce me tomorrow. So I'm thinking WTF, what did I do. And I'm freaking out as she is laying this all on me. Then she says it. And I will admit I am not proud of what is to follow. But it is done and I can"t undo it.
"I Found The Tape You Made of Us......
Now flash back to 10yrs ago, We have always had a healthy sex life. And we do to this day. I have always been extremely attracted to my wife. Even through the pregnancies, the changes it makes to ones body, I have loved her and been attracted to her as if it was the first time I laid eye on her. We have experimented a little bit at this point in our marriage(about 6-7yrs), nothing to crazy. I will say that I had always wanted to make a tape of us. I had asked her about it and never really persud it. She had said no because she was to self conscience(sp) about the way she looked. And like I said, she looked perfect to me. So one morning while she was getting ready for work I got it in my head that I would try and get us on tape, and then maybe show it to her and hopefully she would like it and we could do more. Now please before all the moral battering begins, I was 25 and I sometimes was kind of impulsive. I didn't think of the ramifications of what I was really doing. Just that "hey maybe she will dig it" SO I did it and got a short 5 min video of us. I asked if she would be willing to do a tape again a day or so later and she again shot me down, so I tucked the tape away for a later date. Hind site 20/20, I should have gotten the point and just threw the damned thing away. But I didn't I tucked it away and forgot about it.
Now back to the present, While looking for something else last Friday night she stumbled upon this tape. The one I had forgotten about and never destroyed. In the last 10yrs. since that tape I had never tried to make another one. I have always been honest with my wife and since then we have had a great relationship. Both in the bedroom and out. We are completely compatible with each other.
Now everything is ruined, She won't look at me she doesn't want to be near me. She has asked me to leave. I sleep in another bedroom. When I sleep at all. I have lost 15 lbs in the last 6 days since this has happened because I can't eat. I don't know what to do. Or if there is anything I can do. I tried to tell her that it was a stupid mistake I made 10yrs ago,That I'm sorry, but she doesn't care. She says I have ruined any trust that we had and that the person she loved wouldn't have done this to her. I tried to tell her that I can prove to her that I'm not like that, but I don't know how. Like I said in the beginning There was nothing wrong with us, we were in a perfect place in our lives, so I don't know what to do. Can I fix this? Or has my marriage been ruined on a 5 min tape made 10yrs ago?
Please help I am lost with out her. She is everything to me. I don't want to lose her, or my family.