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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey all,

I am looking for advice and maybe support.

I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.

I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).

At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.

In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).

However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).

Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
This is an issue she knows she has.
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.

Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).

She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.

Thank you for reading through my ramblings.

I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.
 

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She IS cheating on you (EA if not PA) and will absolutely not be available for you emotionally until she breaks it off with this other guy.
You are about to get the, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech. Read up the 180 on the forums here, order a No Contact (NC) with the other guy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Already had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. It was merged into the "You broke my heart" speech.

Since then she told the OM she wasn't going to see him anymore (but insisted on continued communication through computer/phone), shifted back and forth several times on how she is feeling, been at a point where she was going to break contact with the OM completely, gone to see the OM behind my back, came to believe our marriage was worth saving while I took care of her the past few days when she was sick and went back out to see the OM again as soon as she felt well enough (yesterday).
Today we went out to lunch before she had to start work and I will be picking her up from her work in about 90 minutes.
 

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If the reason she gave you ,it is all she gives..Then leave her.
Born American has a hard time getting a jobb.What made her think
it would be easy for you..

There is a statistic in the US that says 145k collage student´s works as janitor´s..(Nothing wrong with that job) Just to give you one idea..And she cheats on you WTF
 

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I have to ask, what do YOU want to do?
 

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Really sorry to hear this. It sounds like she is already emotionally attached to this other man and there is a very good chance she has slept with him. You not thinking so means nothing. So many others on here have been through this and will attest to the fact that their image of their wives was false.

With all that said, even if she is not sleeping with him, she is attaching herself to him while pulling away from you.

There is a very specific mindset that you must get into immediately if you are to come out of this on top. That is, YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE HER CHEATING. AT ALL. you must DEMAND no contact. If she refuses then you are done. Throw it back on her. Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. Do not become a cuckold.

do not beg her or cry or plead with her. Stop trying to cater to her every whim in order for her not to leave you. YOU have value too yo know. You must make her feel that SHE is losing YOU if she doesn't get her act together.
 

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She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.
MC is useless while OM is in the picture. Useless. Even MC will tell you so.
The marriage has no chance.
She must go NC (no contact) for good, give him up at her heart and get past the withdrawal.
 

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You have to be willing to lose her if you are to have any chance at this relationship making it and getting OM out of the way.

If you try to nice your way out of it then you'll fail. Guaranteed! BE a strong confident Alpha type male from here on out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
In all honesty what I WANT is to wake up in the morning and realize it was all a bad dream.

Realistically: I would want her to open up to me again, break all contact with the OM and focus on us.
Either get her to accept I have dedicated myself to find a job here and finally got an interview set up (I despise the impersonal way applications work here. This will be my first human contact other than dismissive responses to follow up phone calls.)
Or to have her come back to Europe with me (which just over a week ago she was willing to do). This however would include her having to learn a new language and deal with the "cold" winters.

May still sound somewhat "dreamy", but you asked what I wanted.
 

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Nothing wrong with dreamy and theres no need to be apologetic, we've all been there my friend and we know that right now your head is probably spinning in several different directions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I have seen this term around a few times, but am not familiar with it.
Could someone explain to me what "cuckold" means?

At this point moving back to Europe by myself would mean a significant hit in finances based on what I would have to leave behind.
There is some stress as to a departure date since I refuse to leave without my dog (who moved to the U.S. with me) and airlines refusing to fly animals during the warmer months of the year.
I would either have to get this over with and accept my losses (emotionally and financially) and leave or endure here until September and take my time sorting everything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
As I stated before I believe in the other forum:
It seems crazy to me to throw away our relationship, our marriage and all the hard work we put in for the immigration over the events of a few weeks.
 

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A guy who allows his wife to bang other guys.
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No, that's what's called a "Wittol." The precise definition of a cuckold is a guy who is unknowingly raising some other guy's bastard, wrongly thinking it's his own kid. Dale on "King of the Hill" is a cuckold. Over time, cuckold has come to mean any guy who is ignorant that his wife is fvcking around on him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Well it's almost time for me to go pick her up from work.
I think I will swing by the liquor store for a bottle of whisky and try to figure out if I should talk to her tonight or tomorrow.
 

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Is she still having sex with you? Because she is having sex with someone.
It will be a great big red flag if she is denying you intimacy. Her mysterious sickness is sure to surface every time it's bedtime. And if she isn't sick - then there will be a 'falling out' that prevents it.

Cut your losses. Will you lose your green card if you divorce or separate?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Yes she is still having sex with me.

Just wondering about this:
Would anyone be able to tell me how long a divorce procedure would take and if I would need to be in the country for its duration?
 
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