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Hi,

I got married in Nov, 2010 with a person from my work place. Me and my husband worked in the same office, first he proposed me, I denied. After two years of his regular approaches and after seeing his soft behavior, love, compassion, I decided to marry this guy. We both are from different backgrounds, different cultures, different food habits, different lifestyles, but he told me that it hardly matters for him, after marriage, I can do whatever I want, he will never push anything on me as he loves me a lot. Before saying yes, I already confirmed about his culture, habits, and at that moment of time he told me that it hardly matters. He just wanted to marry me, and doesn't care about any culture, lifestyle or anything. I was totally convinced and taken decision that this is the right person for me and I said yes to the marriage.

The day I got married and reached at my in laws place, his behavior totally changed. His big brother's wife started degrading me by saying useless things, like in our culture this happens, that happens etc etc.. and my mother in law also started teaching me regarding her house rules, culture, and told me that I have to wear saree as I am a punjabi girl and we always wear suits. But I wore sarees as long as i was there (at in laws place).After engagement, my mil wanted me to do fast (vrat) according to their culture, I denied, at that moment of time , my husband also denied that I don't have to follow any rituals, and he told me that if I don't want to do this fast then no issues to him. But after marriage, suddenly my mil started forcing me to do the same fast, I denied before, at this moment, my husband didn't utter a word, and forcively, I did it. I told my husband that what's going on, I didn't like it as earlier he told me that he didn't care about any culture then why his parents or big b wife started teaching me their culture which is totally different, and it's not possible for me to convert completely as we agreed before , but he told me that I don't have to live with his parents, so do whatever they want and when we leave for Delhi, then do whatever you want. I said OK..

When we reach Delhi, his bua's daughters started teaching me their culture, their food habits etc and I didn't like the way they treated me as well as they talked with me, I feel annoyed. In 2011, my husband's big b and his wife came to our place and started rubbish things, like what's in the kitchen, you don't have this, you don't have that. I always share things with my husband and he didn't utter word for me to anyone. This is starting, now as the time passes, anyone can say anything rubbish to me, may be in front of my husband. I am a girl with less words and only wanted to be with gentle people not with people who always wanted to teach rubbish things which i never want to listen. After 15 days of marriage, my husband started blaming on me that I never call anyone in his family whether his bua, his big b wife, my mother in law , mama mami etc.... I was shocked, that this is not the guy I choose as my better half. Now this blame continues after 3 years of marriage. I tried my level best, I started calling my mother in law once a week, but her complains never end. Whenever she calls my husband, she always complain about me, that I never call her, but whenever she call , she never talk with me just complain.. And whenever my husband told me to call his big b wife, I called, but I really annoyed after talking, I don't know what she wants, she never talk with me gently. she always pushing hard on me. If everybody is pushing me because I am of different culture and always teaches me , then I think I really don't want to call anyone.

Now the situation is, my mil called my husband and complain that I never call her, and our fights begin, my husband told me that his mom is right and I am wrong. Before marriage I was always right but now I am always wrong.
my mil told my husband that I am not fulfilling my responsibility of daughter in law. I have a 6 months daughter with me, I left my job due to some complications in pregnancy,I was in worst condition that I cannot sit even on bed, my husband and my mom really put hard efforts on me. My mom take me to her place but no one came from my in laws place. Now I started ignoring those people who make me sick. I don't understand my husband's dual nature. Now I am a housewife, taking care of my little angel and my home, but still whenever my mil called , we always have a fight. What should I do, please suggest.
 

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Talk with your husband about this. Be totally honest about how you feel about of all of these. If he loves you, he will at least try to understand where you're coming from and weigh the situation between you and your in-laws. At the same time, also be honest to your in-laws and tell them you don't appreciate it at all that they try to shove their traditions down your throat. You agreed to marry your husband, not their culture and your husband even said he's okay with it.
 

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hi

Yesterday, my mil called my husband and start *****ing about me.. my husband got tensed and it's painful for me, that yesterday, my husband was crying in front of me as he loves her mom as well. It's a very difficult situation for me.

One day mil came to my place and left for shopping in the afternoon, on that day, i haven't cook lunch at home because I expected that they may eat outside. she came back at 3:30 pm and I ask her, shall I cook lunch for you and she told me , NO! I don't feel hungry right now. I said Ok, then I came back to my room and sleep with my little daughter. Now , today the situation is , mil told my husband that I haven't cook food for her, as she was starving after 1 hour I asked her for lunch. But I really don't know, how to identify, that someone is hungry, if the person will not tell you!!!! It's very confusing. and she is angry with me because she thinks that I haven't gave her a lunch.

And also she's angry that we haven't called her on Mother's Day. But honestly speaking that me and my husband doesn't remember Mother's Day as I haven't call MY mom on that day as well.

She always blame me that I haven't treat her well, but she stays with me for one week, I was on my toes to cook breakfast, lunch, dinner,. (everyday) and apart from this, I have to take care of my 6 months old daughter includes her massage, bath, food, milk etc etc . I tried my level my best that at least my mil will not complain this time, but I failed. She got fever, again, I was on my toes, to take care of her but at last, she told my husband that whenever I came to your place , I always feel sad because of me. I don't know how to handle this new created situation as my husband is also very tensed. Please help!
 

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You asked a simple question - did I marry the right guy?

Simple answer - NO.

In some cultures the mil never assumes her proper place of letting go of her boy. ANd the new wife is abused by the family until she gives birth to a boy. Then things might ease up.

It sounds crazy but it is true.

You married someone who is not man enough to separate from his family. This is often a cultural thing. Unfortunately for you it is a bad thing for what you rightfully expect your marriage should be.

Wouldn't you feel cheated if you bought a house and the seller told you everything was in good working order and then you moved in and you discovered that the foundation was crumbling away?

That is what your husband did to you. He lied about the foundation of your marriage. You said yourself that he changed right after you got married.

If you want to be respected for who you are you are never going to find it in this relationship, because he will never change the fact that he puts his mother before you, nor will she allow it either.

These are just my opinions and I have to get going so I can't respond any more than this, but I wish you luck. Your heart already knows what is true, that is why you created this thread.
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
Thanks for reply. Yes, I agree that my husband lied to me and he also agree about the same. He feel guilty now a days, that he set wrong expectations to me as well as to his parents. We both agree that whatever happened was wrong.

But my husband told me that he'll never let me go from his life as he loves me a lot. Yesterday, he fight with mil and told her that his wife (Me) is like that only and she never fulfill your expectations. and he got tensed.

I want a healthy relationship with my husband and cannot see him in depression because of mil. I don't know, how to handle the situation.

Here, we both want to live together as we love each other but only thing that makes our life hell is my mil.
 

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You would not remain friends with someone who was so poisonous to your relationship.

Unfortunately you are now related to this woman - but that does not mean that my first sentence does not stand up. It does...

I will say it again - you would not remain friends with someone who was so poisonous to your relationship.

Unfortunately it won't mean anything coming from you. It has to come from your husband and he has to come to his own realization that the only thing standing in the way of the two of you being happy is his utter failure at cutting the apron strings with his mother.

Until he completely separates himself from her you two will not be happy together. I wish you luck.
 

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Akr,

I have heard this same type of issue from many women in your culture. Apparently the husband's mother thinks she has the right to abuse the daughter-in-law. It's generally the case that the husband will not stand up to his mother.

I wonder if you can find a marriage counselor in your city that will give you and your husband more insight in how to handle this situation. You husband needs to hear from someone besides you that he has to tell his mother and sister to either threat you well or he will end all contact with them.

If you are left to take care of things when she is there, when it's lunch time just make lunch and have it out for her to eat. Then she cannot complain.

One way I can think of handling it when your MIL comes to visit is that she stays in a hotel. Or could you afford to hire someone to take care of her every whim?
 

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Hi Elegirl,

Thanks for your response. That's really a great idea to hire some one to take care of her at every visit. I'll try this next time when she's in.

But this is not only this case, she always call up my husband and complain that I never call her. Seriously, speaking, I really don't want to call her, but still I called many times because of her complaints, but nothing helpful. Her complaints has no end.

She also push her traditions in my throat which I never accepted, whether before marriage or now (after marriage). I don't know why she always have a problem with me. I cannot end my relationship with her, I tried to maintain a formal relationship but still she keeps on banging at me through my husband. I have no idea what to do, as it's really difficult for me to end up the relationship completely.
 

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the problem is that your husband did not have a problem with your cultural differences but his mother does. He did not change when you got married, he just does not know how to deal with and stand up to his family. I experienced something similar with my mil, not as bad but she has expectations of daughter-in-laws and said to me that I must do certain things as I am a part of their family. But I do have support. I don't think that you can ever satisfy your MIL even if you were to completely change and do everything as their culture, she is discriminating against you because of your culture and the sister in law is joining in and supporting her. Your husband should also have words with his brother about his wife's behaviour. She is obviously picking on you as she was there first and wants MIL approval also.
 

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Hello Akr,

Sorry you’re here and sorry for the harsh words.
I’m speaking from experience here and there’s only ONE outcome to your marriage…

Everything about you your identity and cultural upbringing, the way you think, are seen as rubbish by your new family especially your MIL, SIL and others who fall into line because they’re all scared of your MIL. Your new family in particular your MIL/SIL will attempt to mould you into their version of a wife, which you are clearly NOT!

They don’t see you and don’t respect your upbringing and culture and now that you are married to her son you are married to their family and culture and your husband in no longer is charge, your MIL is. She is the driving FORCE behind everything and everyone in her family and everyone will listen to her. She is the ALPHA female and she’s going on convert you to her way of doing things. She’ll spin lies and lies to her son, your husband, and he of course, will take mummy’s side, ALWAYS!

I’m sorry but as I said above I’m speaking from experience and my friend who went through this was a strong independent women brought up in England. Her MIL almost broke into little bits and her husband (The Ba$tard) did nothing but blame it all on his wife, he was a mummy’s boy ALL along.

She divorced him and today, almost 3 years later she’s happy and smiling again. I hear these types of stories too many times and am sick of hearing about weak men who bow to their mummy’s instead of standing up for their wives.

Your marriage was between you and your husband, now it’s between your MIL and husband/Son.

If your husband doesn’t stand up for you and I know he won’t, there’s only ONE choice for you – Divorce. I’m NOT kidding you I know, I’ve seen it and I hate men like your husband who behave like this.

Stay strong and if you want to fight for your marriage good luck! But always have a Plan B Divorce ready to go.

I hope I wasn’t too rude!

Best wishes to you, FTP!:)
 

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Discussion Starter #14
thanks flying the phoenix and kimmino for your response...

I cannot give divorce to my husband as i love him and i know, he loves me too... he always show his love to me, the only problem is my mil, my husband had a fight with mil and he taken the stand for me and said harsh words to my mil......

mil listen those words, calm for some days and again creating trouble......... for my husband by telling lies...... now, today the situation, i called up my mil , always in front of my husband just to show him that i m not wrong/... and my husband respect the way i m thinking.. but mil don't.. there's only one villian in this story is my mil...........
 

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That is her nature,

She is not going to change overnight and not after just one fight.

He needs to maintain his position with her, and yet I think she will always test his resolve.

I wish you the best...
 

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thanks flying the phoenix and kimmino for your response...

I cannot give divorce to my husband as i love him and i know, he loves me too... he always show his love to me, the only problem is my mil, my husband had a fight with mil and he taken the stand for me and said harsh words to my mil......

mil listen those words, calm for some days and again creating trouble......... for my husband by telling lies...... now, today the situation, i called up my mil , always in front of my husband just to show him that i m not wrong/... and my husband respect the way i m thinking.. but mil don't.. there's only one villian in this story is my mil...........
Calling your MIL in front of your husband so he knows exactly what you said and if his mum denies or changes it to suite her needs, he at least knows the truth. Great Idea!

But use the same tactic with the SIL as well, and any emails sent to any family member(s) CC your husband if need to that way he knows you are trying and they are not.

Good luck!
 
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