[triedhard111]

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[AngryandUsed]

Nope.

The devil in me was tempting to go for one, though. As far as I am concerned, I want to stick to the morals. Simple. Not in my blood, dude.

 

[triedhard111]

Part of me is trying so hard to make it work, and part of me still wants her to hurt how she hurt me. Childish... I know.
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[iheartlife]

Er, no.

1. It's morally wrong, I took vows to remain faithful. The fact that other people can't manage to do that is irrelevant to me. All I'd manage to do is disgust myself, which I personally find unpleasant.

2. It adds unnecessary drama to my life, which is already complicated enough. Other human beings aren't blow up dolls that we can use for our own purposes and then throw away. They have families, and friends, and hopes and dreams, like the rest of us. What am I going to do--use them sexually and then discard them if they decide they want more? Or fall in love with them when that's the last thing I need in my life right now to make me whole? Too messy.

3. You always risk STDs. Yep, sex is fun. But not entirely without any downsides or consequences. So who is this person that I'm going to randomly hook up with for a revenge affair? I suppose I could strike it lucky and find a virgin, or someone who is entirely monogamous whose spouse is likewise.

Hey, if I'm going to jump in the sack, might as well make sure it's someone who is really going to be there for me if there's any fallout from having sex with them. Not exactly what most affair partners have in mind.

 

[MattMatt]

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Made me feel worse. My wife's affair broke my heart. My revenge affair? Broke my heart and nearly broke my mind and my soul. I was on Seroxat for a while.

We got through it, but I hurt my wife, myself and the OW.

 

[Racer]

A flat out PA revenge affair I’ve never heard of it really working out. Usually it is the opposite adding massive trauma on top of a already traumatized marriage. I wouldn’t suggest it.

EA’s though... things get a bit grey. I’ve heard of these working in certain situations like a wayward wife who can’t seem to empathize the hurt you are going through. And to disclaim, not the sexting sort of EA’s and dirty talking type. More the inappropriate female friendships and bonding. Strictly platonic, but wrong because you are sharing yourself with her, having those discussions, and dumping your attention on them instead of your wife.

I’m in one sort of like that. Think about the sorts of conversations and advice shared here but on a face to face level. That was brought about due to my wife’s actions (multiple adulterer). I know it is an inappropriate relationship. And of coarse, my wife absolutely hates that there’s this person. It does cause problems... its wrong and she knows it (and so do I).

So, I do believe this relationship puts my wife on notice. I’ve got my own needs and wants. She can either try to meet them or not; her choice (as well as my preference). If she chooses not to make that effort, the needs and wants don’t disappear. I will find them anyway (foggy yes). So, she has competition in the ‘how relationships are supposed to work’ areas of sharing and discussion. That is also how I’ve limited that outside relationship; That is the only area where healthy boundaries are crossed. My wife is well aware of my want to discuss this with her; She just chooses not to. The ramification is me going outside the marriage to have those conversations.

How my wife reacts though... conflict! She works very hard to convince herself I will go down her path to adultery. The OW is much younger, better looking, etc. She is a threat. My wife is convinced I just complain and ***** about our marriage (not true). Being stuck on thinking I’m just a shallow guy who thinks about sex all the time, she is reacting like that is all there is to me. It doesn’t really matter that I have expressed and shown my wife that I am a very deep person with a ton of thoughts.... she assumes I am thinking about sex and using these conversations to pity my way into this girl’s pants... Frustrating. I do keep opening up opportunities for her to discuss deeper issues about our relationship and how we think as individuals, but she either isn’t listening or keeps it all internal. The OW doesn’t; We have deep conversations where we share our circumstances. I wish my wife would do this with me... the OW is a poor substitution.

Now on the good side. My wife has stepped up her efforts at being a “good wife”. Not as much nagging, more involved with the daily grind and stepping up her efforts there. She is also wanting to spend a lot more time with me just joking around and having fun. The sex life has also ramped up. I believe this all may have to do with her figuring out she is actually a ‘choice’ I make. She shouldn’t ‘expect’ that I’ll continue to choose her. So, she is trying to be someone worth that choice.

I believe it helps that she can see there is competition (even if it’s mostly made up in her head).... I also believe she struggles internally over this subject; She knows she let her relationships go ‘all the way’ and justified it.... So she also sees how mine, while inappropriate, drives her bonkers and it absolutely pales in comparison; It looks like a simple friendship looking back at her own history where talking about marriage issues with the opposite sex she wouldn’t have even thought about as being ‘wrong’. So, the result is a bit more shame and humility I think when she looks at how she used to think and what her boundaries were: Her boundaries are even more reinforced because she has to look at it now from a betrayed spouse perception. That also gives her some insight as to what I might be feeling.

Anyway, we aren’t successfully reconciled. We are getting there though. 3.5 years of this thus far.....

 

[JCD]

Racer, I had a similar experience.

My marriage was crappy. Totally crappy. I travel a lot so I met a friend on the internet. Soon we were talking about EVERYTHING. Not sexting. No nude pictures.

But my emotional needs were easily being met by someone else.

My wife took this poorly. She didn't realize how starved for affection and validation I was. She suggested divorce and gave me an ultimatum.

I tossed into her face that our marriage was hardly a prize to fight to keep and I'd stay if things were BETTER then they were.

So far, it's seemed to work. Eventually I worked up to NC and have held it for 9 months. My wife and I have strengthened out marriage...mostly. It's still a rocky road.

So an EA can change things...mostly for the worse, but there might be some upside.

 

[tonyarz]

I had many revenge affairs and it ended up destroying many families, plus my first marriage. I really don't care that it destroyed my first marriage, but I feel horrible about the other marriages. I wouldn't recommend this.

 

[KnK]

I came really , really close to having a PA but didn't go through with it. I still have a random thought pass through my head about it ever once in while but I don't think it will ever happen. I did have a serious EA and my marriage is doing ok but not great. We are still working through trust issues!

 

[MattMatt]

A flat out PA revenge affair I’ve never heard of it really working out. Usually it is the opposite adding massive trauma on top of a already traumatized marriage. I wouldn’t suggest it.

EA’s though... things get a bit grey. I’ve heard of these working in certain situations like a wayward wife who can’t seem to empathize the hurt you are going through. And to disclaim, not the sexting sort of EA’s and dirty talking type. More the inappropriate female friendships and bonding. Strictly platonic, but wrong because you are sharing yourself with her, having those discussions, and dumping your attention on them instead of your wife.

I’m in one sort of like that. Think about the sorts of conversations and advice shared here but on a face to face level. That was brought about due to my wife’s actions (multiple adulterer). I know it is an inappropriate relationship. And of coarse, my wife absolutely hates that there’s this person. It does cause problems... its wrong and she knows it (and so do I).

So, I do believe this relationship puts my wife on notice. I’ve got my own needs and wants. She can either try to meet them or not; her choice (as well as my preference). If she chooses not to make that effort, the needs and wants don’t disappear. I will find them anyway (foggy yes). So, she has competition in the ‘how relationships are supposed to work’ areas of sharing and discussion. That is also how I’ve limited that outside relationship; That is the only area where healthy boundaries are crossed. My wife is well aware of my want to discuss this with her; She just chooses not to. The ramification is me going outside the marriage to have those conversations.

How my wife reacts though... conflict! She works very hard to convince herself I will go down her path to adultery. The OW is much younger, better looking, etc. She is a threat. My wife is convinced I just complain and ***** about our marriage (not true). Being stuck on thinking I’m just a shallow guy who thinks about sex all the time, she is reacting like that is all there is to me. It doesn’t really matter that I have expressed and shown my wife that I am a very deep person with a ton of thoughts.... she assumes I am thinking about sex and using these conversations to pity my way into this girl’s pants... Frustrating. I do keep opening up opportunities for her to discuss deeper issues about our relationship and how we think as individuals, but she either isn’t listening or keeps it all internal. The OW doesn’t; We have deep conversations where we share our circumstances. I wish my wife would do this with me... the OW is a poor substitution.

Now on the good side. My wife has stepped up her efforts at being a “good wife”. Not as much nagging, more involved with the daily grind and stepping up her efforts there. She is also wanting to spend a lot more time with me just joking around and having fun. The sex life has also ramped up. I believe this all may have to do with her figuring out she is actually a ‘choice’ I make. She shouldn’t ‘expect’ that I’ll continue to choose her. So, she is trying to be someone worth that choice.

I believe it helps that she can see there is competition (even if it’s mostly made up in her head).... I also believe she struggles internally over this subject; She knows she let her relationships go ‘all the way’ and justified it.... So she also sees how mine, while inappropriate, drives her bonkers and it absolutely pales in comparison; It looks like a simple friendship looking back at her own history where talking about marriage issues with the opposite sex she wouldn’t have even thought about as being ‘wrong’. So, the result is a bit more shame and humility I think when she looks at how she used to think and what her boundaries were: Her boundaries are even more reinforced because she has to look at it now from a betrayed spouse perception. That also gives her some insight as to what I might be feeling.

Anyway, we aren’t successfully reconciled. We are getting there though. 3.5 years of this thus far.....

Is yours an EA, or did you find a liferaft to help you stop from drowning in the stormy sea of your wife's adulterous behaviour?

 

[warlock07]

I did see a few threads(not on TAM) where the BS(?) felt that having a revenge affair lessened the hate he had on his WS and leveled the playing field(The WS had her fun and now has her marriage back)..


But ask yourself this question. Why would you let her make you a sh!tty person. Isn't it similar to the excuses she made in order to cheat ?(You did not give me attention, so I cheated). If you don't think you can live with her betrayal, get out. or do something that you will both agree,. But don't have an affair and bring a 3rd party into the whole stuation

 

[Wazza]

Dunno how to answer this.

When my marriage was in the toilet after wife's affair I developed feelings for someone else. That someone else was totally moral and decent, otherwise I am sure it would have become an affair. From my side it may have bordered on an EA.

There was no revenge in my mind, just loneliness. When I realised my feelings I told my wife and the other woman.

There was nothing planned about it. No contemplation. By the time I realised I had a problem, I already had the problem.

It's one of the reasons I can forgive my wife her affair...there but for the grace of God went I.

 

[Sara8]

Nope.

The devil in me was tempting to go for one, though. As far as I am concerned, I want to stick to the morals. Simple. Not in my blood, dude.

I agree.

IMO, threatening a revenge affair or thinking about it after a betrayal is normal.

STill, if it's not in your nature to cheat, you won't.

Also, if it's not in your nature to cheat, it will cause a lot of harm to your psyche.

 

[Racer]

Is yours an EA, or did you find a liferaft to help you stop from drowning in the stormy sea of your wife's adulterous behaviour?

It started as a sounding board. My wife was gaslighting me and I needed an outside perspective to hold onto reality.

It morphed into a liferaft when I broke down at work after discovery of my wife’s affairs. She was there to help sweep up the pieces. That was the closest it got to being a PA... There was what I believe was an offer (it was a suggestion) for a RA to destroy my wife (could be just in my head though that she was suggesting with her). But the boundaries stayed intact and I didn’t pursue.

During R, it morphed back to a sounding board and she started opening up about all her issues; They are vast. BPD mother and the resultant traumas. Wayward, betrayed, physically abused (by boyfriends and mother’s boyfriends), sex issues, etc. All this before she was 24. She’s been living on her own since she was 16. And honestly, that helps me.... she isn’t ‘dating material’ for me; I have my own psycho to deal with. And, it helps to give me a glimpse of how my own daughter might end up if left with her mother before she’s learned to deal with life... another reason for me to try harder at saving my marriage. I will admit though that this assistant is a lot more stable than I’d imagine she could be. And oddly enough, she shares my thoughts with others (A rule we have; Always assume we’ll share whatever is said)... So her boyfriend and sister also bounce things through her.

So, its more like counseling... It fits that closer than saying ‘friendship’.

 

[wiigirl]

Nope.

The devil in me was tempting to go for one, though. As far as I am concerned, I want to stick to the morals. Simple. Not in my blood, dude.

:iagree:

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[Sara8]

But my emotional needs were easily being met by someone else.

My wife took this poorly. She didn't realize how starved for affection and validation I was. She suggested divorce and gave me an ultimatum.

I tossed into her face that our marriage was hardly a prize to fight to keep and I'd stay if things were BETTER then they were.


So an EA can change things...mostly for the worse, but there might be some upside.

This is a very dangerous game to play, if you are unhappy, seek counseling or divorce.

Things are never better after someone cheats, and unless the hurt spouse is in serious denial, there will always be residual resentments about cheating to try to solve marital issues.

Cheating is never the way to improve a marriage. Try counseling first if that fails divorce is the honorable option.

If a hurts spouse stays, they likely still consider the marriage vows irreparably broken, and if someone better comes along, there may be no justification in their mind to stick around.

Also, if you talk to divorce attorneys 75 percent of wives file for divorce. And, most often cited as a reason is that the man cheated in the marriage at some point.

Often a woman will wait to divorce after cheating until she feels stronger

 

[Racer]

I agree with you Sara8. It is a dangerous game to play. There are just as many things to wrong and introduce into the marriage as there are things that it might help you with. I know I struggle very deeply with finding a balance between my selfish needs (mostly respect and interest), and the needs of the marriage. There is conflict when those two do not align and they are highly valued by you internally. The affairs sort of damaged me with that ultimate disrespect and discard to me like I do not matter to her; Double blow since I was co-dependant and how she saw me was of extreme importance to me (since broken).

So, if you have a good clean safe way of having deep conversations with people when your spouse refuses or turns it to arguments, how would you do this?

I have tried same sex (the guys) for this role. Quite frankly, they are less inclined to R than female perspectives and prefer not talking about it. I think it stirs up fears and insecurity with them about their own wives: No one saw this coming and quite frankly believe they had worse problems than we did.

Forums? They are limited by the format and e-thugs abound when hidden behind the wires connecting us. Face to face is better.

IC? Done that. Its expensive to just talk as well as once a week isn’t enough.

The closest I’ve found are other betrayed husbands, but none of my available friends has been through it. Some have divorced, but it was for ‘other’ things, so they are less than sympathetic to R’ing with an adulterer who is also nasty. I do know several betrayed wives though... Those are even more dangerous for me because they are also thinking about revenge affairs and complaining about being ‘stuck’ in that marriage. One is even in a sexless marriage and it feels like she’s fishing for attention; plus I’m attracted to her. Dangerous combo. That becomes extremely slippery, so I avoid those conversations with them. Sucks... I want to help but know how easily it could lead me astray.

I have also tried family; My sister. The problem with her is that relationship is not what I’d call disposable. I can’t go NC should it become an issue. Also, she has to interact with my wife. I do not want her hating my wife. Mending the relationship between the two of them wouldn’t be so simple. We do talk, but I withhold the worst of it.

 

[Wazza]

I agree with you Sara8. It is a dangerous game to play. There are just as many things to wrong and introduce into the marriage as there are things that it might help you with. I know I struggle very deeply with finding a balance between my selfish needs (mostly respect and interest), and the needs of the marriage. There is conflict when those two do not align and they are highly valued by you internally. The affairs sort of damaged me with that ultimate disrespect and discard to me like I do not matter to her; Double blow since I was co-dependant and how she saw me was of extreme importance to me (since broken).

So, if you have a good clean safe way of having deep conversations with people when your spouse refuses or turns it to arguments, how would you do this?

I have tried same sex (the guys) for this role. Quite frankly, they are less inclined to R than female perspectives and prefer not talking about it. I think it stirs up fears and insecurity with them about their own wives: No one saw this coming and quite frankly believe they had worse problems than we did.

Forums? They are limited by the format and e-thugs abound when hidden behind the wires connecting us. Face to face is better.

IC? Done that. Its expensive to just talk as well as once a week isn’t enough.

The closest I’ve found are other betrayed husbands, but none of my available friends has been through it. Some have divorced, but it was for ‘other’ things, so they are less than sympathetic to R’ing with an adulterer who is also nasty. I do know several betrayed wives though... Those are even more dangerous for me because they are also thinking about revenge affairs and complaining about being ‘stuck’ in that marriage. One is even in a sexless marriage and it feels like she’s fishing for attention; plus I’m attracted to her. Dangerous combo. That becomes extremely slippery, so I avoid those conversations with them. Sucks... I want to help but know how easily it could lead me astray.

I have also tried family; My sister. The problem with her is that relationship is not what I’d call disposable. I can’t go NC should it become an issue. Also, she has to interact with my wife. I do not want her hating my wife. Mending the relationship between the two of them wouldn’t be so simple. We do talk, but I withhold the worst of it.

I lean on a friend who is a betrayed wife and she leans on me. She is in another country so that is a safeguard against any sort of physical affair happening. We have a few other rules we use to keep things proper. One is that everything is written down...emails or im, so our spouses can read this stuff if they want. And our spouses know we communicate.

It's not totally devoid of danger but it is as close as I can manage. I value her support a lot.

 

[Ovid]

I haven't considered a RA. I think it would just hurt what's left of my M, and be using another person resulting in more harm... but during my rage after I found out after my WWs EA while I was confronting her and letting her know she ended us I said I was going to a bar for drinks and blanking the first woman that showed interest. I think the fact that she knew I could helped her realize her mistake.

 

[vi_bride04]

Don't do it. You not only will damage the marriage further but you will forever have that horrible horrible scar on your soul. You will never ever be able to rid yourself of "cheater".

Revenge or not. You are cheating and will always be a cheater forevermore.

Oh btw, my divorce is final Thursday.