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The thought that came to my mind is in the past she’s threatened to part ways as soon as the kids are out of high school. Like maybe she doesn’t want permanent his/her tattoos. I would be wondering if she was planning an exit in a couple years. She also blew a head gasket after I shaved my head a few years back saying she’d be embarrassed to be around me. She’s weird that way.
If she is planning on splitting as soon as the kids are out of high school, then why does it matter to her what you do? And why does it matter to you what she thinks? And much more importantly, why are you still with somebody who is planning to leave you????
 

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Discussion Starter · #63 ·
It's possible you're focusing on the wrong tree in the forest.

I sincerely hope I'm wrong, but consider this scenario :She wants to keep ownership of you and the image you project while she's still with you.

Your tattoo does not match her narrative, and never has. Especially a tattoo that communicates a strong connection to HER.
But you're NOT on the same page.

Read what you wrote in the first quote.

You could be on different chapters at best, or reading different books re what you each see as 'your' relationship.

Forget the tattoo thing, it's a distraction in YOUR version of your relationship. Find out if she's already got plans to leave you in a few years. If she does, it's been over for her for a while, and she just doesn't want to be embarrassed being seen with you until she exits.

"No shaved head, no tattoos for the kept provider I'm putting up with until I'm outa here, it's an annoyance and embarrassing to me and doesn't fit into my plan."

Meanwhile, you're concerned about the tattoo... You and your W are reading two different books.

If that's what you discover, then do everyone involved a favor and leave her before she packs it up. You can then shave your head and get 3 tattoos, because you'll own yourself again.

Find out the truth behind her demands for obedience.
I was actually thinking this as a likely plan on her end, wow thank you
 

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This caught my attention. It's not unusual to run into men who act like this. Like their wife is some sainted virgin Who never has an interesting thought. The Madonna / * complex it's called. This is the first time I have seen that flipped on a man, husband, father. You fill those roles in her life so you can't possibly be the kind of sexy interesting man who shaves his head or has a tattoo.
It's weird seeing her thinking, but I can't think of any way to fix it. Perhaps you need to do some more interesting things.

In the end of your tale I absolutely think that this is a poor reason to have a tattoo. I don't get it, and I don't celebrate arthritis.
I thought that as well. A grasshopper to celebrate arthritis?? What's to celebrate about it? What has a grasshopper got to do with it anyway?

Op, your wife is very easily led and influenced. That's a bad thing. The fact that she said she is only staying till the kids finish school is VERY concerning. Doesn't that concern you?
 

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This whole topic reminded me of something.

A few years back my younger son had a friend whose brother lived in a trailer at the back of their family’s property. Past high school dropout. Couldn’t hold down a regular job for long so did occasional odd jobs, band gigs, sold a bit of weed and had a certain reputation for his skills as a tatoo artist. Set up shop in his trailer.

Long story short. Hygiene side of his practice was a wee bit negligent. Public Health identified an HIV outbreak at the local high school. Tatoo boy was the vector.

Tatoos. Yeah, right.
 

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This whole topic reminded me of something.

A few years back my younger son had a friend whose brother lived in a trailer at the back of their family’s property. Past high school dropout. Couldn’t hold down a regular job for long so did occasional odd jobs, band gigs, sold a bit of weed and had a certain reputation for his skills as a tatoo artist. Set up shop in his trailer.

Long story short. Hygiene side of his practice was a wee bit negligent. Public Health identified an HIV outbreak at the local high school. Tatoo boy was the vector.

Tatoos. Yeah, right.
Moral of the story is don't get a tattoo from a HS dropout in a sketchy trailer parked at the far end of someones yard.
 

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I thought that as well. A grasshopper to celebrate arthritis?? What's to celebrate about it? What has a grasshopper got to do with it anyway?

Op, your wife is very easily led and influenced. That's a bad thing. The fact that she said she is only staying till the kids finish school is VERY concerning. Doesn't that concern you?
I agree. Grasshopper representing arthritis ? 4 turtles for their sisterhood? Just as how she demanded you get a new car when someone got one, she is following or being influenced to follow or copy others. That is a personality trait that could lead to her to want to have an affair if her sister or friend sells it.

With her telling you that she’s leaving you when the kids are finished with school, you need to be watching. Being middle aged and near empty nester stage, that is prime time for affairs. If you don’t want to be blindsided, you better do a deep dive on your wife’s activities and friends. with her being the following type, you need to vet out those who are influencing her.

This is also a time for you to do an assessment of yourself. Have you let yourself go? Are you making an effort in the relationship to make her feel loved? Do you help around the house? You want to make sure that you’re not resting on your past history alone.
 

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This is also a time for you to do an assessment of yourself. Have you let yourself go? Are you making an effort in the relationship to make her feel loved? Do you help around the house? You want to make sure that you’re not resting on your past history alone.
He can assess himself to see if he is a good partner - but that doesn’t have anything to do with HER moral character! Either she will cheat or she won’t!
IF she is likely to cheat why would he want to stay married to her? If she doesn’t plan to stay married long term he needs to be planning for that by being smart with his money and making sure he doesn’t keep buying things for her - like new cars/new house.
Does she work? You want her working!

Have you told her NO when she requests buying things? What’s the response? Start telling her no.
And start planning for the exit. You don’t want to be left without not preparing for that.
 

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The thought that came to my mind is in the past she’s threatened to part ways as soon as the kids are out of high school. Like maybe she doesn’t want permanent his/her tattoos. I would be wondering if she was planning an exit in a couple years. She also blew a head gasket after I shaved my head a few years back saying she’d be embarrassed to be around me. She’s weird that way.
Well I assure you that your thinking here is exactly correct…..
 

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I’m irritated by the fact that I thought “okay we’re on the same page,” then okay I’m getting one but it’s not okay for you and I really don’t care what you think. That’s my problem. If it goes away as a midlife thing and nothing transpires I’m good with that. I thought we were on the same frequency. Where’s our unity on a subject? It’s okay for me but not you. I’d rather her stick to our original mutual plan when she denied me almost 30 years ago.
Yeah, you’re in a relationship where she doesn’t mind giving you a NO, and you can’t even bring yourself to utter the word.
This never ends well for a relationship when this is the case.
Practice saying the word several times a day in your wife’s presence: No.
Then when she responds with spin, threats, and disdain: “NO. You said no to me 30 years ago, I’m saying NO to you now”.

However, you likely never are going to practice on telling your wife no, so my advice is useless.
 

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"Honey, we agreed to no tattoos 30 years ago even though I would have like one. I can't tell you what to do. You can make your own choice. But I can tell you that if you go through with the tattoo, my next stop will be at my own artist to get work done too."

No argument, just plain stating of facts. And stop giving her total veto power over your choices!
But they didn’t really agree. She simply told him no and OP sheepishly allowed her to rule the roost. Now the roost is roasted.
I don’t like tattoos. I don’t have any and prefer my SO not to have them either.
But for my SO to unequivocally tell me no….
 

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Discussion Starter · #74 · (Edited)
Well, I got inspired and fired up to confront her, even accusing her of meeting someone. She countered by saying that if I don’t trust her I can come along, hold her hand and watch the procedure. She also accused me of getting one out of spite and trying to ruin a special thing that she’s allegedly been wanting and planning for nearly two years. She tried to tell me like I’m a dummy that a lot of thought has to be put in for something you want on your body permanently. After a few days of the cold war, she came to me and explained that not everyone can have one and I’m one of those people. She tried to compare my attempt to grow a beard during no shave November a few years back which I agree that one didn’t look good. She tried to say the “I don’t mean this in a mean way” speech by saying I’m a middle aged man who doesn’t have “a wild side” and is super conservative in my appearance and demeanor and doing something like that would look strange on me. She went on to say if i was a good husband, I should be supportive with her decisions on what she wants to do with her body. Even tried to say I would be more sexy without one. Screw her, if she gets one, I’ll be in the same room getting mine!
 

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Well, I got inspired and fired up to confront her, even accusing her of meeting someone. She countered by saying that if I don’t trust her I can come along, hold her hand and watch the procedure. She also accused me of getting one out of spite and trying to ruin a special thing that she’s allegedly been wanting and planning for nearly two years. She tried to tell me like I’m a dummy that a lot of thought has to be put in for something you want on your body permanently. After a few days of the cold war, she came to me and explained that not everyone can have one and I’m one of those people. She tried to compare my attempt to grow a beard during no shave November a few years back which I agree that one didn’t look good. She tried to say the “I don’t mean this in a mean way” speech by saying I’m a middle aged man who doesn’t have “a wild side” and is super conservative in my appearance and demeanor and doing something like that would look strange on me. She went on to say if i was a good husband, I should be supportive with her decisions on what she wants to do with her body. Even tried to say I would be more sexy without one. Screw her, if she gets one, I’ll be in the same room getting mine!
That's right.
I'm sorry, but that's funny."I want a tattoo, but you should not have one."

It's good that you're living a little.
 

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Well, I got inspired and fired up to confront her, even accusing her of meeting someone. She countered by saying that if I don’t trust her I can come along, hold her hand and watch the procedure. She also accused me of getting one out of spite and trying to ruin a special thing that she’s allegedly been wanting and planning for nearly two years. She tried to tell me like I’m a dummy that a lot of thought has to be put in for something you want on your body permanently. After a few days of the cold war, she came to me and explained that not everyone can have one and I’m one of those people. She tried to compare my attempt to grow a beard during no shave November a few years back which I agree that one didn’t look good. She tried to say the “I don’t mean this in a mean way” speech by saying I’m a middle aged man who doesn’t have “a wild side” and is super conservative in my appearance and demeanor and doing something like that would look strange on me. She went on to say if i was a good husband, I should be supportive with her decisions on what she wants to do with her body. Even tried to say I would be more sexy without one. Screw her, if she gets one, I’ll be in the same room getting mine!
What would be her reaction if you said “I think tatoos on woman look really trashy. You wearing one would really upset me. Are you trying to cultivate your wild side for someone else?”

If my wife ever expressed interest in one that would be my opening salvo. Because it would be totally out of character and highly offensive to me. On par with having a boob job. She wouldnt be doing it to attract me.
 

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Well, I got inspired and fired up to confront her, even accusing her of meeting someone. She countered by saying that if I don’t trust her I can come along, hold her hand and watch the procedure. She also accused me of getting one out of spite and trying to ruin a special thing that she’s allegedly been wanting and planning for nearly two years. She tried to tell me like I’m a dummy that a lot of thought has to be put in for something you want on your body permanently. After a few days of the cold war, she came to me and explained that not everyone can have one and I’m one of those people. She tried to compare my attempt to grow a beard during no shave November a few years back which I agree that one didn’t look good. She tried to say the “I don’t mean this in a mean way” speech by saying I’m a middle aged man who doesn’t have “a wild side” and is super conservative in my appearance and demeanor and doing something like that would look strange on me. She went on to say if i was a good husband, I should be supportive with her decisions on what she wants to do with her body. Even tried to say I would be more sexy without one. Screw her, if she gets one, I’ll be in the same room getting mine!
With a wife like this, who needs enemies?

Time and time again on this forum I just don't understand why men put up with marital dynamics like this. Wives like this aren't even afraid of damaging the relationship. I guess they figure he'll continue to provide all of the things she wants from him no matter what she says or does.

OP, why hasn't all of this turned you off of her in a noticeable (to her) way???? That's the million dollar question.
 

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She went on to say if i was a good husband, I should be supportive with her decisions on what she wants to do with her body.
"If you were a good wife, you would be supportive of my decision on what I want to do with my own body."
This is coming across as sibling rivalry on her part - she wants something you don't have to make her feel special.
 

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Hey @Jeff70 tell her that is her opinion and why you should not get a tattoo because you don't have a "wild side" and it would not look right on you. I would throw it back in her court and say yes we have been together for a long time and does she value your opinion and say in your opinion at her age you think a tattoo would make her look sl***y. Also, I would ask her point blank from your OP is this part of her exit strategy to leave the marriage when the kids go to college. Best of luck!
 
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