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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm 5 months out from D-Day.

My wife left for OM.

I tried to reconcile. It didn't happen. I was on the emotional roller coaster for months.

The past few days I've been feeling this deep cold hate towards her. I'm thinking I don't even like her as a human being anymore given what she has done. I think she's a cruel selfish woman even if I'm still partly in love with her because I know what we had between us was love and it was good (until it wasn't good enough for her, I suppose). Sometimes I am ashamed she is the mother of my two children.

Sometimes I don't want to deal with her on the slightest issue because I can't stand looking at her, talking to her or dealing with her stupid attitude that everything is fine in the world. (It's got to be something of an act, I'm sure.) Sometimes I want her to know how much I hate her.

I suppose this is natural, right? It's a bit scary because it is a very strong emotion I'm experiencing.
 

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I'm 5 months out from D-Day.

My wife left for OM.

I tried to reconcile. It didn't happen. I was on the emotional roller coaster for months.

The past few days I've been feeling this deep cold hate towards her. I'm thinking I don't even like her as a human being anymore given what she has done. I think she's a cruel selfish woman even if I'm still partly in love with her because I know what we had between us was love and it was good (until it wasn't good enough for her, I suppose). Sometimes I am ashamed she is the mother of my two children.

Sometimes I don't want to deal with her on the slightest issue because I can't stand looking at her, talking to her or dealing with her stupid attitude that everything is fine in the world. (It's got to be something of an act, I'm sure.) Sometimes I want her to know how much I hate her.

I suppose this is natural, right? It's a bit scary because it is a very strong emotion I'm experiencing.
It's 'natural' for a while.

Eventually you will need to gain some self control.

Self regulate.

Straight into indifference.

Do you guys have a co-parenting schedule?
 

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You are transitioning. Your perception of her is slowly changing. Hate is not the last destination though - its complete indifference. At that stage nothing she does or says will trigger any type of reaction from you. To you, she will be one of many women on this planet.
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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
Transition into indifference
Is that possible?

Surely you must have residual feelings for your Ex?

I find it hard to believe I could look at her the same way I look at anybody else. That actually frightens me a bit.

It makes me wonder if that's how she sees me.

She has said before she thinks we'll be friends down the road. Of course that just makes me hate her more.
 

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I know how you feel. I think I'm finally rounding the bend here as far as letting go of my hate. I certainly was taking stabs at her in any way I could, just to try and make her feel as bad as I felt she made me feel.
I do know now, that this is wrong of me, and I need to rise up and be the better person that I know I'm capable of being.
Stay positive, try not to feed into the hate, it can be unhealthy for you and drive an even bigger wedge between the two of you. For the sake of my children (3 under 3 years old), I know I need to attempt to treat her better.
I don't want my kids to pick up on that hate and think it's normal either
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I know how you feel. I think I'm finally rounding the bend here as far as letting go of my hate. I certainly was taking stabs at her in any way I could, just to try and make her feel as bad as I felt she made me feel.
I do know now, that this is wrong of me, and I need to rise up and be the better person that I know I'm capable of being.
Stay positive, try not to feed into the hate, it can be unhealthy for you and drive an even bigger wedge between the two of you. For the sake of my children (3 under 3 years old), I know I need to attempt to treat her better.
I don't want my kids to pick up on that hate and think it's normal either
Yes, all good reasons why I've held back.

Although I did lash out at her post D-Day and separation.

I hate how they remain so calm, cool and collected most of the time. It's like they are waiting for us to lose face and get emotional.

Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to her. Not harmful, I mean, but something that would make her lose face and feel real shame. The affair doesn't seem to be cutting in because she just tells people the marriage was unhappy. (It wasn't).
 

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Is that possible?

Surely you must have residual feelings for your Ex?

I find it hard to believe I could look at her the same way I look at anybody else. That actually frightens me a bit.

It makes me wonder if that's how she sees me.

She has said before she thinks we'll be friends down the road. Of course that just makes me hate her more.
What frightens you about it?

Do I have residual feelings for my ex?

Hard to say.

I'd like to think no.

At times though, I admittedly will still trigger from time to time.

But I no longer stomp around kicking the dirt, muttering to myself "I wasted all those years."

Rather, I have taken what has happened and turned it into positives for the future.

If her suggesting you guys will be friends down the future provokes emotion out of you.

You are not indifferent.


Yes, all good reasons why I've held back.

Although I did lash out at her post D-Day and separation.

I hate how they remain so calm, cool and collected most of the time. It's like they are waiting for us to lose face and get emotional.

Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to her. Not harmful, I mean, but something that would make her lose face and feel real shame. The affair doesn't seem to be cutting in because she just tells people the marriage was unhappy. (It wasn't).
Of course you lashed out on her post D-Day and Separation.

It's what happens.

Welcome to life.

You hate how she remains so calm?

I hate how your focus is completely on her and not on yourself.

Gonna get mad at me for it?

She can do, say, think, feel and express whatever she wants until her face turns blue.

What does it have to do with you now?

"Something that would make her lose face and feel real shame" is a wonderful way to mask what you really mean.

"I hope one day she feels as bad as I do."

Hope and assuming.

Two things that must be let go.

Things will start to feel better when you start to learn to change your focus off of your ex and keep it on yourself.

You guys 'assume' you will be doing 1 week rotations with the children?

Have you taken the time to look into co-parenting schedules?
 

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I know this isn't my thread, but for what it's worth...The county that we reside in is making us take a co-parenting class, even if it's just one session. We both agreed it's for the best. Our feelings don't trump the children's potential and future.

I like the schedule we have worked out for 50/50 as well. mon/tue is me, wed/thr is her, and we switch off weekends. We didn't want to go the whole week without seeing the kids.

Just some food for thought, sorry if i jacked the thread a bit, just trying to help if I can.
 

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I hate how they remain so calm, cool and collected most of the time. It's like they are waiting for us to lose face and get emotional.
It helps me to understand that as much as mine seems calm, cool and collected... she isn't. While really drunk one night she let out that she was actively looking for any reason she could find to hate me, in order to make it easier to leave me. She was pushing buttons intentionally in order to get me to lose face so she'd have something to point at and relieve her own guilt. Why give her that and it make it easier?

She repeated it over and over in between drunken sobs. "This would be so much easier if I hated you. But you are such a good guy I can't find anything wrong with you".

This is when I let go of a lot of my anger. I didn't hate this sobbing thing laying on the floor bawling. I felt pity. I felt sorry for her. It put things in perspective for me. I realized that I am so much stronger than I thought I was and moving on will be so much easier for me than it will be for her, if she even tries.

The affair doesn't seem to be cutting in because she just tells people the marriage was unhappy. (It wasn't).
I can look at myself and admit what I've done wrong. And I'm actively working to improve myself. That's the best revenge. Not sinking into self hatred like she is. I did damage my marriage, but it really wasn't anything that wasn't fixable with a little bit of effort. I just wasn't self aware and she wasn't good at communicating her needs. Certainly nothing to hate myself over.

I did enjoy my marriage and her painting it black won't change that. If it makes her feel better, fine. I can't shift her paradigm. And if I get stuck in bitterness and anger I will only help her keep an unhealthy one, and more importantly will prevent ME from moving forward.

If she heals, cool. She'll be a better co-parent. If she doesn't, she'll repeat the pattern. Regardless of which path she chooses, I WILL be a better parent, man and lover than I ever was before. Hell, I already am 2 months after D-Day (well haven't tested the lover part yet but it will happen). :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
The problem right now is that when I look at her I feel worthless.

I know that her affair was really sexually charged so now I feel like I couldn't satisfy her sexually. It's a gut-wrenching feeling and it makes me feel two inches tall. It's an assault on my manhood. I'm also disgusted that she was doing all of these things behind my back and didn't want to do them with me (or if she did she wasn't letting on to it).

This is the kind of thing that makes me sick to my stomach and makes me hate her because in fact I hate myself as a result. She and the OM have this over me.. this idea that he's better for her, better than me at pleasing her or whatever, and I have to live with that. I would've been in to anything sexually with her but I guess she lost the attraction and went wild when she had a new one. If she wanted to get dirty, why not get dirty with me.

It makes me want to spit in her face. The "How could you?" feeling. I just want to tell her to F*ck Off for throwing away a marriage and breaking up a family.

Again, it's because I feel less worthy. Epic FAIL.
 

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The problem right now is that when I look at her I feel worthless.

I know that her affair was really sexually charged so now I feel like I couldn't satisfy her sexually. It's a gut-wrenching feeling and it makes me feel two inches tall. It's an assault on my manhood. I'm also disgusted that she was doing all of these things behind my back and didn't want to do them with me (or if she did she wasn't letting on to it).

This is the kind of thing that makes me sick to my stomach and makes me hate her because in fact I hate myself as a result. She and the OM have this over me.. this idea that he's better for her, better than me at pleasing her or whatever, and I have to live with that. I would've been in to anything sexually with her but I guess she lost the attraction and went wild when she had a new one. If she wanted to get dirty, why not get dirty with me.

It makes me want to spit in her face. The "How could you?" feeling. I just want to tell her to F*ck Off for throwing away a marriage and breaking up a family.

Again, it's because I feel less worthy. Epic FAIL.
But you are NOT an epic fail. You are here. You are putting forth effort and actively trying to figure out what went wrong and have tried to save your marriage because you value it, your commitments, and your family.

Have you remained faithful? Have you been a good father? Did you try to be a good, loving husband during your marriage? Have you been willing to consider forgiveness? You are trying to better yourself, are you not?

Is she doing any of those things? No. She is the epic fail. You are the victim, but not a casualty unless you decide to be. How long do you want to be a victim?

I do know how you feel about your manhood. Your ego and self-esteem have been severely damaged by HER actions. But that is because you are putting YOUR self worth in her hands. Take it back!

I let the things my stbxw did damage mine too and questioned my manhood as well. She was very emotionally abusive. Told me she has to be drunk to want me. Said she's only been doing me out of duty (bs - she's a nympho and would initiate). She would tell me "Well THAT was disappointing! Get off of me!". She told me I made her feel so unloved that she can't even get herself off! But none of these happened until after she met OM. I know it had nothing to do with me, as is apparent by her masturbation comment. That's just self loathing due to the guilt and shame she had for having feelings for another man. How could I possibly satisfy her if she can't do it herself?

You need to understand - in order for the affair to even happen, she had to detach from you emotionally first. That's not about sex and your manhood was irrelevant.
 

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It's hard, but realize - during the affair she was not thinking of you at all. There was/is no empathy because you were/are not on her mind. It was not about you. It was completely selfish.

OM is not better for her. He's not better than you. He's more exciting because it's an illusion. It's 100% fun because there is no "real life" involved. It's a fantasy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
OM is not better for her. He's not better than you. He's more exciting because it's an illusion. It's 100% fun because there is no "real life" involved. It's a fantasy.
Well, she left me for him. She's still with him so far. There was substance to that relationship else she wouldn't have left. I was supposed to be the one who was with her for the rest of our lives. We have two kids together, dammit. Doesn't that count for anything anymore?

Knowing that she detached emotionally doesn't make it any better.

I want her to know much I hate her but I know it will only damage me somehow.

The dark side of me wishes I could shoot the OM in front of her. Just to see the pain on her face. Yes, Up n Over, I do want her to suffer like I did, maybe worse.
 

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I was supposed to be the one who was with her for the rest of our lives. We have two kids together, dammit. Doesn't that count for anything anymore?
Did you make her leave? Did you choose the OM? Did you split the family apart?

That says volumes about her. Not you. What are you doing now? What are your plans? What do you need out of life?

What are you actively doing to ensure you have a place in your children's lives? Don't assume you can trust her there. She's already proven to you that you can't. What are you going to do about it?
 

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Staystrong,
I really feel for you that you are experiencing this terrible pain. The anger and betrayal and loss and grief that you feel is very real. She caused you so much pain and hurt you badly -- of course you hate her and wish her and OM ill will.

You need to accept that your feelings are normal. Don't feel guilty about getting angry. Its part of the process.

One book that I found helpful with all the conflicting emotions is "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher (3rd ed, c2000). It will help you to cope with the stages that you need to go through until you get to acceptance of yourself and the situation.

I know it is so hard, but we on TAM do "feel your pain" as we have all experienced many of the same feelings. There will be a point that you recognize that it really is "not about you, its about her". Your WW owns her actions and is guilty for destroying a sacred trust. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and your kids.

Are you speaking to an IC? I think it would really help to give you perspective when you are kicking yourself with all the "what ifs" and feeling like you caused this by not being "enough of a man". Frankly, that self-deprecation is all bullsh*t. You are a good man. You are the one that stayed. You are willing to work on things. You didn't take the easy way out.

Wishing you peace and strength in the days to come.
 

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Reality bites staystrong! It is what it is right now. You are giving her and that POS too much power in your Life. She's not your problem anymore. All you have is your kids and yourself. Your focus continues to be on the wrong person. You need to realize this, the sooner the better.
F' her and F' him! They have done you wrong... But at some point, you are doing it to yourself. She is no longer worthy of being your wife. Become the Man that you NEED to become; start on this ASAP! I'm on the same boat as you are so I feel what you are going through; I'm not just spewing BS. Refocus! Earn a new and better life.
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Thanks guys. (And thanks for the book suggestion, 42)

I think I was a good husband, dad, person, lover, etc. I've kicked myself a lot for things I would have like to have changed, yes, but I know I'm a good catch. You guys say one day I will say it's all her thing one day. But how do get over the sexual rejection? That's her basically saying "you weren't man enough for me". WTF?

I'm doing the best I can with the kids. She's a good mom overall (caring, discipline, etc.) except she's made some very bad big decisions (including letting the OM move in a few days after I left).
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Reality bites staystrong! It is what it is right now. You are giving her and that POS too much power in your Life. She's not your problem anymore. All you have is your kids and yourself. Your focus continues to be on the wrong person. You need to realize this, the sooner the better.
F' her and F' him! They have done you wrong... But at some point, you are doing it to yourself. She is no longer worthy of being your wife. Become the Man that you NEED to become; start on this ASAP! I'm on the same boat as you are so I feel what you are going through; I'm not just spewing BS. Refocus! Earn a new and better life.
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How long did it take to "click" for you?

What actions did you take?

I was DEEPLY in love with this woman. We had our own romantic tale, shared life story, kids together, etc. This really effed me up. Now it's just about being a dad and holding a job and doing a few activities - I feel the rest of my identity was robbed.
 

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Her opinion doesn't mean squat, now does it. Look at what she's doing. A few things could be said about her - but we are adults here.
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