Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 26 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
3,055 Posts
Years ago, I thought that this site has reconciliation as the default position and the other place has divorce as the default. Was that the case in the past and has it changed?
I’m not sure about historical positions, I imagine it changes with the people on TAM. Everyone gets banned eventually I think 🤣

I think reconciliation is the marital goal, even in infidelity. But not at any price. The life and mental health of the betrayed comes first.

In infidelity, R starts with divorce as odd as that sounds. It takes a divorce-sized hammer to make some cheaters realize what they've chosen. In the rare scenario when the cheater finds their way back to the land of fidelity and is demonstrating remorse, then the betrayed should consider reconciliation. The divorce can be stopped.

But more often than not, the cheater goes their own way. If reconciliation is tried, it would only be more pain for the betrayed. Nobody wants that.

For matters not involving infidelity or abuse, there is a wider range of opinions. People like me think that people and marriages are not “throw away”. Trying to fix the problems (even if there’s short term pain and unhappiness) is well worth it in the longer view.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,459 Posts
Years ago, I thought that this site has reconciliation as the default position and the other place has divorce as the default. Was that the case in the past and has it changed?
I don't think that my comments have changed that much over the time I have been on TAM. I still feel that those who marry should be "committed" to making the marriage work through the good and bad times, otherwise they should not have gotten married. I also feel that if there are small children, that both parties should try to reconcile the marriage.

From my own personal experience, having been in a sex starved marriage, I recognized that if I had just divorced my wife and moved on, I probably would not have healed, changed, and improved myself. I would have likely gotten into another failed relationship. I felt it was better to try to reconcile and find out about my failings prior to divorce. However, I recognized that if we couldn't reconcile within a reasonable time, I would divorce my W.

So basically, I am pro-marriage and I am pro-reconciliation. However, I have noticed a lot more obvious train-wreck postings by people who are not really committed to their marriage. There also seem to be more, people who are living together rather than married who are complaining about infidelity or other problems that use to be associated with married couples.

I understand that you can't force a partner to change if they don't want to change. And if both partners are not fully committed to reconciling, the chance of one pulling off a reconciliation is slim to none.

Just my thoughts.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
4,236 Posts
I'm very anti-reconciliation.

After reading infidelity and reconciliation message boards for years, what's really stood out is the incredible lack of self-respect and dignity displayed by most betrayed spouses as they desperately try to find a way to accept the unacceptable. You see a lot of them posting YEARS later saying they're still unsettled, still untrusting, still monitoring their cheaters, and for many, posting with new evidence they've found of their cheater up to no good again.

With age comes wisdom. I firmly believe that anyone who can **** all over you day after day after day by hiding things, lying, betraying and deceiving you - yet still smile at you and kiss you while lying to your face about where they just were - is someone not WORTHY of reinvesting in.

I'm not quite sure what the 'party line' on TAM is, but I know my party line is zero tolerance for cheaters - male OR female.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
5,666 Posts
Years ago, I thought that this site has reconciliation as the default position and the other place has divorce as the default. Was that the case in the past and has it changed?
I think lots of people jump on the pro D bus way too often and soon. It's almost toxic. I don't really like to give advise because I feel like we are only getting half the story and the OP is obviously posting in a manner that passes over other issues that are contributing to the topic. Unless it's infidelity or abuse, I think most issues can be overcome if couples put their pride aside for a moment.

Listen to your partner
Respect your partner
Have regular sex with your partner

It's really simple and doesn't require some stupid self help books or throwing cash at a marriage counselor.

Do those things and your marriage just might survive.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
5,234 Posts
Reconciliation is for those that just can’t respect themselves enough to overcome fear. Me personally I think it’s for losers … I could never do it and look at myself in the mirror again.

Pedestal placer types are great at reconciliation because they already let their spouse know that they believe they are more valuable than themselves long ago. That type doesn’t mind eating poop sandwiches.


Summary: A spouse is someone who is a compliment to your life … not the entirety of your life. Reconciliation is for those who don’t understand this
 

· Banned
Joined
·
3,136 Posts
Years ago, I thought that this site has reconciliation as the default position and the other place has divorce as the default. Was that the case in the past and has it changed?
Nope. Not since I've been here.
You may be thinking of SI. They favor rugsweeping reconciliation.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
10,228 Posts
The longer I read the stories and think back on the results of “reconciliation” regarding cheating, the more foolish I believe it is to do it.

once you get married, you’ve made a vow. Once it’s broken by infidelity, you now know without doubt that your value is not what the cheater claimed it was. To think that reconciling and accepting that allowing them to break their promise with no consequences is going to RAISE one’s value to their partner somehow, is illogical. Divorcing a cheater is the logical response and allowing one’s love for the cheater to blind them into self harm is just giving them a blank check to do it again.

if you’re going to reconcile, at least take away the legal contract that can be used against you in the future, and also formally cancel the vows that the cheater already voided.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
143 Posts
I will always advocate divorce. My pride won't allow me to forgive a traitor.
I will always advocate divorce, but forgive, because it’s better for me and pride won’t stop me from understanding this principle as well as the desire for sex and the desire to trust would be gone. No, forgiving them won’t change that for me, but letting go of resentment and not wanting to get even, that will go a long way in my divorce.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
984 Posts
My impression is that TAM has become a lot more hardline on divorce over the years. I think this due to the realization that those who do acts infidelity are broken people and overlooking their brokenness makes them think that it is ok to be unfaithful.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
5,457 Posts
I can't believe that anyone would think a person who has been cheated on "SHOULD" try to reconcile.

Sure, married people have vows...but when one breaks the vow of monogamy, their partner has NO obligation to work through that pain and give them another chance. All the other vows (and everything else between them) have become meaningless...BECAUSE OF the cheater and their choices.

And let me tell you, if I had ever found out my husband had cheated on me while I was married, I would not care at all if he learned his lesson and became a devoted, perfect spouse -- I wouldn't want him anymore. He would have become repulsive and irrelevant to me. There is NOTHING that could have put him back into the position of being the right partner for me, because he would have shown me irrevocably that he doesn't deserve to be there.

So WRONG...after a grave betrayal like infidelity, there are NO "you SHOULD" obligations for the betrayed spouse, none whatsoever.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
18,236 Posts
Fortunately although it sometimes seems like it not every single problem that is brought here is about infidelity and may be something that can be worked on with communication through marriage counseling.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
137 Posts
I'll always advocate for divorce as well. I have noticed more and more in the passing weeks that there have been more users advising to stay in toxic unhealthy relationships.

I'm guessing these users have been witnessing unhealthy relationships being normalized by perhaps members of their community and family, and conditioned to stay regardless of anything since childhood ...so they've repeated the cycle themselves.



I have also noticed lately some users divorce shaming and ganging up on users that suggest divorce.

Instead of respectfully agreeing to disagree.


Oh well.

I am pro divorce, pro working on yourself if you have issues loving yourself enough to leave.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
966 Posts
Just random thoughts here

I think that SI is the pussified version of TAM

That being said, some that respond to posts never actually read the question and instead go on a triggered attack of the OP.

That actually needs to stop and it's not helpful ( moderator wink wink )

I think that once the trust is broken 💔 its over. Call it a day and divorce.

Otherwise it just builds more resentment, toss in children and there you have it , a perfect storm.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
23,536 Posts
Personally, I've always been pro health regardless of divorce or reconciliation.

If there is no hope or reasonable expectations for the improvement of a sick marriage, divorce often is an unfortunate but healthier option.

There have been reconciliations I've been in favor of only because the BS seemed to be showing signs of improved health within the marriage.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
143 Posts
My impression is that TAM has become a lot more hardline on divorce over the years. I think this due to the realization that those who do acts infidelity are broken people and overlooking their brokenness makes them think that it is ok to be unfaithful.
Does Broken=Selfishness? My point in question is, can a person cheat if their not broken? I can see selfishness usually being true, but are all cheaters broken to?
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Top