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Hello, this is my 1st time posting on any site so I am extremely nervous. I am desperate for some others opinions/advice/experience on my situation. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read my whole dilemma. I greatly appreciate any advice you can give!
My story goes like this -
I married my high school sweetheart 4 years ago. We were not always together but seemed to always have wanted to be. I left our hometown after college to explore the world. We did not keep in touch.
Ran back into her at a wedding ~10 yrs. later and everything seemed to fall in place. My job was flexible so I could relocate back home, she was finishing her Master's w/ a good job lined up. We were both in our late 20's and seemed ready for the next step in life. So we got married. May have been the happiest day of my life so far!
We got a house and were starting to think about starting a family. We have some student loan debt so we decided to hold off a little while on the family to be more stable financially.
My wife had never given me any reasons to question any of her actions until about 4 months after our marriage. She started getting random texts late at night from her Ex (the last guy she dated before we got married).
- sidenote - I found out their ending was not the best scenario as she pretty much left him for me. I was told they were broken up when we met at the wedding and she did not see their relationship continuing in any way. So I was ok asking her out that 1st time. I am very respective of someone's relationship and would not want to be the reason for a break up.
Back to the texts...
I don’t want everyone to think that I was being nosy at this point in our relationship (yet). She had the type of phone that flashes when a new text is there, and the text shows up on the phone's screen until you open it. So I see the name of her Ex and the 1st few lines of the text and decide to open it. It was some lyrics from a country love song. So I asked her about it and she tells me not to worry, he is just heartbroken bc we got married. I told her that I thought it was inappropriate for an Ex to contact her and asked her to nicely ask him to stop. She said she did.
Fast forward to the 7th month of our marriage.
I had been cheated on before so I made a note of that Ex's ph. #. My wife started acting a little distant and strange so I got this painful feeling in my stomach. I had also just been out of town on business for a week during which she did not answer or return some of my calls. So I decided to cross reference the Ex's ph. # on the last month's ph. bill. To my crushing surprise I found out my worse fear. There were hours and hours of conversation. And over 10 hours just in the week I was out of town. I was devastated. I checked back 3 months and saw that activity of long phone conversations started only 3 months after our marriage. Around the same time as those supposedly harmless texts from her Ex started and she supposedly handled!
So now my dilemma began. What do I do? How do I confront her?
I decided to just ask her. But ask in a way that she had to admit to the guilt. So I simply ask: “Do you ever talk to your Ex?" She looked me straight in the eye and says "NO." I am even more devastated! So now she has lied and maybe cheated!
We go to talk it out. I am ready to leave her. I really try to be a good husband. I can be a little nagging because of my OCD (like things neat and clean) but I always put her 1st. So to be lied and cheated on when I carefully waited for the right girl and did not get married until I was absolutely ready and had no desire to be w/ any other women, will not be tolerated!
She bawls her eyes out and tells me how she is just talking to him; never had they had any physical contact during those months of excessive talking. She explains how he is sad and she just feels bad bc of the way she ended it w/ him.
I forgive her and believe her. I love her so much, I was just not ready to give up on what I think could be a great partnership.
Our physical relationship had been falling off and from this point was back to where it was early in our relationship. So I began to gain trust in her again.
Fast forward 14 months.
My wife began to have that same distant behavior as before. We only had sex one or twice a month. My wishes in the marriage were not really being met. I was under the impression that a couple was supposed to work at the marriage to make the other spouse happy. I do what I think are the things a good husband would do. I cook, I do dishes, laundry, clean etc. I search message boards on how to make a marriage work to make sure I am doing the right things and not making my wife NOT want to be w/ me physically. This had gone on for a few months so I started to get that same pain in my gut as i did 14 months ago.
This caused my curiosity to start going crazy. Could she be doing it again? So, against my conscious (I know invading privacy is not conducive to a good marriage), I checked her texts. Amazingly I found just what I was looking for but certainly did not want to see. There were 100's of texts going back and forth w/ that Ex. All of which were very inappropriate for a married woman to have. "I miss you's, good morning babe", etc. I was shaking and did not know what to do. This discovery was around 3 am, so I wasn’t sure if I should wake her or discuss in the morning. I could not sleep anyway so I decided to wake her. As you can imagine she was blindsided by this. Frantically apologized but didn’t really seem sorry. She said it was just fantasy. Blah Blah... I was really ready to call it quits now.
But again, my heart still yearned for her love. I still feel we have such a potential if she would just join my team.
What I have to express is that when my wife is happy she does seem like the perfect fit. She is beautiful, has a great career, comes from a great family and gets along great w/ mine. Why can’t we just be happy together? Why do I seem controlling bc I ask things of her that would make me happy? I would do just about anything she asks me if it made her happy. And I do!
Fast forward 9 months -
Things in our marriage have been up and down. Sometimes they are so great and I feel things are going to be ok, then a fight over something very minute occurs and I am left wondering if we will make it.
So lately I have been having that pain in my stomach again. Our bedroom activity has become very routine and sparse. Maybe once or twice a month and she just seems to be going through the motions.
We have been going out w/ my male friends a lot lately. A lot of drinking and fun ensues. This may seem like things are going great but one recently divorced friend of mine has my suspicions up again. He does not seem like my wife's type at 1st. Kind of chubby and out of shape. I usually would not be worried about this guy taking any girl away from me (we have been friends for 15 yrs. and has not happened). But he has an attitude that comes off as tough even though he couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag! (sorry, I'm upset) And I have recently started to think my wife is very attracted to that kind of attitude (I am more of a gentle giant).
I hadn’t really thought much of this until about 3 months ago.
We went out for a mutual friend's BDay (female) to a local bar. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until I started to notice the extended period of time they kept leaving to go smoke cigarettes outside (no smoking inside the bar).
- Sidenote - My wife used to smoke in high school, quit in college but she will still have a cigarette or 2 when she has had some alcoholic drinks. She usually would never have more than 2 as she knows I hate cigarette smoke. But this is one of the other red flags regarding this friend's relationship w/ my wife. None of my other friends smoke so they have bonded w/ it. Every time he is over our house or out w/ us for dinner/drinks (which has been at least once a week for the last 4 months since he divorced) they share nearly a whole pack of cigarettes. More info to come on this scenario and how it’s raised my suspicions this time.
We were at the bar for about 3 hours and they were gone for 30 minutes at a time for at least 4-5 times to smoke. I was even approached by another group of females who were not deterred by my wedding ring during one of their smoke breaks. I was scared my wife was going to come back and catch me talking to them. She isn’t a crazy jealous type but can have some major issues w/ the scenario I was being put in. Luckily the group finally noticed I was married (bc I had to tell them) and left. My wife was gone this whole time so my worry was for not. I even told her I was just about to be picked up by these chicks and she didn’t really seem to care. Oh well, it was nice to know I am still desirable to other women even though I would never cheat! :)
The next red flag came when we had some of my buddies over for dinner and drinks. Another friend came over late and missed dinner so we ordered out to grab him something. The place was w/in walking distance so he and I went to get his food. I left my suspicious friend alone w/ my wife. Like I said, I would never think my wife would be attracted to this guy so I didn’t think much of it at the time, but while I was out getting the food, the weekend out where I noticed the long smoke breaks popped in my head. So I started wondering. Luckily the food was ready very quickly so we were only gone about 15 minutes. Came back home where both my wife and my suspicious friend had been smoking on the back porch, but neither one of them were there. My suspicion went through the roof! I started to go upstairs but came back down to check the bathroom in the hall. When I came back down the stairs the suspicious friend popped out of nowhere in the kitchen. I knocked on the bathroom door after waiting a little while (longer than it should have taken for my wife to do her biz) and asked what she was doing. She seemed guilty but that could have just been my adrenaline. I asked her straight up if she had been in there w/ my friend. She said I was crazy! What I am talking about? I am just drunk!
I let it go.
I did agree w/ her, though. It was crazy for me to think she would like him. Of all my friends, he would probably be my least worry.
But over the last couple of months have continued to notice their growing closer along w/ her increased smoking. She even has started smoking when he is not around. And not only when she is drinking. I confronted her about it and she got extremely defensive w/ me. I let that go as well. I really don’t want to seem controlling.
But their growing relationship got my suspicions up so high I got the idea that maybe I should check the phone bill like I had before w/ my wife's Ex BF. She has no reason to speak on the phone w/ this friend of mine. Outside of my friendship w/ him, he was not her friend. So upon my search I found a 50 minute conversation w/ him from the Monday after the night out for my friend's BDay where the excessive smoke breaks occurred.
I also found a couple other very late night conversations of 15-30 minutes. One 30 min call was on a Saturday night when the guys were over and I had passed out earlier than the rest of the group (had too many drinks, not enough sleep). Isn’t it strange for her to talk on the phone to him at 12:30 am for 30 minutes when I am asleep?
Now this has me feeling exactly the same way as when I caught her talking to her Ex BF in the early stages of our marriage. But even worse is that if my friend is guilty, he has betrayed me too! He is not the greatest friend but 15 years of friendship should count for something, right?
So over the last few days I have been watching her behavior. She is taking her cell everywhere she goes. Turning it off at night for bed. She even has a work cell phone that is always locked and I don’t have the code nor would I need to if she were honest. I think she is using the work phone mostly now bc there are not any records of phone calls to him or anyone suspicious. There is no way for me to monitor that phone, so what better way to keep secrets from me? Do I have the right to ask her to unlock it and let me see the texts and phone calls?
But what I was able to find is that she is texting someone and deleting those texts. My phone's online portal service has the amount of texts sent but does not give any details on to whom or the content of the messages. So I kept count for 1 day. When I looked at her phone, only half of the 48 texts from that day were there. The ones to a girlfriend of hers were there. The last ones of those came at 3:00 pm, but she got 28 or so more after that time in which there were no texts on her phone to account for those texts.
Also she is coming home more and more often smelling like cigarette smoke. I also know she is not buying them bc she does not own any packs. I know she is getting them from someone. But who? Is it really my friend? Is it someone I don’t know?

What do I do? I want to be married, but I also want to be happy!
 

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You need to establish what is going on. There are people here who are experts and will tell you how to discover what you need to discover.

Even if she is NOT having an affair, her behaviour is not appropriate for a married woman and she needs to stop.

Marriage Counselling might be something you two could consider.
 

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Yes she cheating.

Now here is what suggest.

1. You need to get and read Married Man Sex Life by Athol. Read it ASAP and learn how your nice guy routine to make her love you more has actually pushed her away and lost her respect.

2. You should have demanded full transparency to her texts and email back with the Ex and especially when you caught her the next and next times. Throw out the stupid idea of having secrets in marriage. You should be able to read any email or text by your spouse at anytime. Because there should never ever be secrets.

3. Use a VAR , voice activate recorder, available Walmart and best buy. Get a couple of them. Put then were she would be calling him from, put one in the house the next day he is supposed to be over and then have an excuse for you to pop out and leave them alone for an hour. Make sure the reason will ensure they know you will be gone for the hour. Maybe you get called into work?

They should be very easy to catch.
 

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Yes she cheating.

Now here is what suggest.

1. You need to get and read Married Man Sex Life by Athol. Read it ASAP and learn how your nice guy routine to make her love you more has actually pushed her away and lost her respect.

2. You should have demanded full transparency to her texts and email back with the Ex and especially when you caught her the next and next times. Throw out the stupid idea of having secrets in marriage. You should be able to read any email or text by your spouse at anytime. Because there should never ever be secrets.

3. Use a VAR , voice activate recorder, available Walmart and best buy. Get a couple of them. Put then were she would be calling him from, put one in the house the next day he is supposed to be over and then have an excuse for you to pop out and leave them alone for an hour. Make sure the reason will ensure they know you will be gone for the hour. Maybe you get called into work?

They should be very easy to catch.
:iagree:

See? The Cavalry is here, already. We are all rooting for you!

And even if your wife is not physically cheating on you all that physic energy she should be putting into her marriage she is putting into the other guys. THAT is why she gets distant from you.
 

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Gather evidence. Can you put a voice activated recorder around the house where she goes to smoke and talk? maybe in the car? You don't want to confront without absolute proof. She certainly sounds suspicious and there's no good reason for a wife to have conversations at those hours with guy friends. Is the smoking that big of a deal really? I mean she was a smoker when you met her right? Either way, without proof there's no way to confront successfully without getting trickle truth and lies. Don't be surprised if she has been cheating and then tries to blame it on you for not "being there" or some other kind of crap.
 

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The phone is really a red flag in my opinion, especially given her past behavior.

Your wife has very poor boundaries, at a minimum. And has tendencies of a serial cheater.

The mistake you made was not demanding transparency after the EA (emotional affair) she had with her ex, and believe me, that's what she had. Transparency means she gives up her passwords, unlocks her phone, etc. That's a consequence of her actions. Other than telling her to stop, she had no consequences for this gross infraction on your marriage. Keep checking the phone records, and ask to see her phone. See what she does. It will speak volumes.

And never leave her alone with your 15 year friend again. That was not smart. Your gut is telling you something.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Gather evidence. Can you put a voice activated recorder around the house where she goes to smoke and talk? maybe in the car? You don't want to confront without absolute proof. She certainly sounds suspicious and there's no good reason for a wife to have conversations at those hours with guy friends. Is the smoking that big of a deal really? I mean she was a smoker when you met her right? Either way, without proof there's no way to confront successfully without getting trickle truth and lies. Don't be surprised if she has been cheating and then tries to blame it on you for not "being there" or some other kind of crap.
Thank you for your insight. I really appreciate it. The smoking would not be that big of a deal if it did not directly correlate to the influence my suspicious friend has on her. She also used to be adamantly against smoking bc of the health issues it causes. It is the source of how her attitude and actions are slowly changing. This change represents the actions of another woman, not the one I married.
 

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The phone is really a red flag in my opinion, especially given her past behavior.

Your wife has very poor boundaries, at a minimum. And has tendencies of a serial cheater.

The mistake you made was not demanding transparency after the EA (emotional affair) she had with her ex, and believe me, that's what she had. Transparency means she gives up her passwords, unlocks her phone, etc. That's a consequence of her actions. Other than telling her to stop, she had no consequences for this gross infraction on your marriage. Keep checking the phone records, and ask to see her phone. See what she does. It will speak volumes.

And never leave her alone with your 15 year friend again. That was not smart. Your gut is telling you something.
I would divorce your wife based on the lack of boundaries alone. She obviously had an emotional affair (EA) with her XBF and you clearly saw evidence of that already with the highly inappropriate texts. Also, he desire for you tanked during this EA and is tanking again. She violated your boundaries with this XBF 2 or 3 times already. She doesn't respect you nor care for you enough to work for this marriage. Unless you live in a state where proof of infidelity will get you something, you have no need to put yourself through all of the time and torture of trying to catch her in another EA or PA. Assuming you live in a no fault state, serve her with the divorce papers and move on.

While this is going on, I would get myself into individual counseling to work on yourself, tone your body if it needs it and do all of those things that will improve your self esteem.

Finally, please recognize that what I suggested above is what I would do for myself. Everyone is different and you need to decide what's best for you.
 

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It sounds like your wife is having at least emotional affairs (EA) if not physical ones.

Does she use a computer for email, etc? If so put a keylogger on it.
 

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Btw, often women take up smoking again if they are pursuing a smoker. It gives them an excuse to be with them, and in their head makes them more attractive to the OM because they are showing a desire to share his vices.

Also put a var hidden outside at your place where they go to smoke.

They sound like they think you not only have no clue, but that sneaking around with you there adds to the excitement.
 

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When you use a VAR, use velcro hold it in place. YOu can get strong strips on adhesive backed velcro at the hardware store, walmart etc.
 

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The first thing I would do is knock the snot out of your "friend." challenge him on why he is having these long cell conversations with your wife. It'll be easier to get the truth out of him (especially if you knock a few of his teeth out first) then yor wife, who will be tap dancing around everything with excuses.

My friends and I have always lived by the belief that you do not mess with each others family members, current wife/girlfriend or exes. This fat boy of yours apparently could care less about you or your relationship.

One question - did you ever confide to him that she was texting,etc her ex? If do, then it appears to me that he targeted her knowing that she may be open to an extramarital affair. Even scarier...
 

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I agree.

I would definitly have a little "come to jesus" meeting with the friend.

At first I would try to get as much info from him as possible, then I'd turn and put the fear of god into him, and tell him you WILL find out everything, so if he confesses now, there is a much better chance he won't need a dentist, and trip to the E.R. If you have to come back, you'll be even more pissed!

Either way he is not a friend, and has no more business being involved in your life any longer, and that includes your wife.
 

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Trust your gut....I spent the first 12 years of my 13 year marriage with that awful gut feeling that my spouse was being unfaithful and I should've listened to it. I found out just shy of our 11 year anniversary that he spent all those years communicating and sleeping with other women and Im not talking 1 or 2 different women.
 

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The first thing I would do is knock the snot out of your "friend." challenge him on why he is having these long cell conversations with your wife. It'll be easier to get the truth out of him (especially if you knock a few of his teeth out first) then yor wife, who will be tap dancing around everything with excuses.

My friends and I have always lived by the belief that you do not mess with each others family members, current wife/girlfriend or exes. This fat boy of yours apparently could care less about you or your relationship.

One question - did you ever confide to him that she was texting,etc her ex? If do, then it appears to me that he targeted her knowing that she may be open to an extramarital affair. Even scarier...
Knocking his freinds teeth out is a very bad idea.. a conviction for assault would not help him in any way.

The "friend" is not going to tell the truth either.
 

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I agree.

I would definitly have a little "come to jesus" meeting with the friend.

At first I would try to get as much info from him as possible, then I'd turn and put the fear of god into him, and tell him you WILL find out everything, so if he confesses now, there is a much better chance he won't need a dentist, and trip to the E.R. If you have to come back, you'll be even more pissed!

Either way he is not a friend, and has no more business being involved in your life any longer, and that includes your wife.
At best, this might scare off the current dude. The problem is the wife, though. The next guy is just a text or call away, and their relationship might not be so obvious.

C
 
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