It sounds like it would be the right approach, but I'm not aware of anyone who has tried it for infidelity in marriage. "Let them be who they are, don't try to change them, and make your own decisions".

My general advice for couples is not to try to change each other.

It's the right approach when your partner is an addict also.

 

It's the right approach when your partner is an addict also.

I would agree with this. I didn’t know it at the time, but that’s what I was doing towards the end of my marriage.

I do apply this theory to pretty much everything in my life now. However, I think it is taken out of context quite selfishly more so than not And used in a rather petty way.

However, the way I utilize this theory, for for instance, with a coworker, who has a bad attitude.. I still check in on them, I still do my part and helping where I can or asking if they need something specific done for them, knowing that they’re angry that I’m checking in on them they just want me to go away so they can be mad. 🤣

The thing about it is your attitude is not going to affect mine. You can’t run me off by being ugly. I am who I am, and I’m gonna keep doing exactly what I do as long as it’s not harming anyone. Your attitude is not gonna make mine morph into one that will take aim and try to fire back at my angry coworker. I’m gonna let you be exactly who you are. All while, continuing to be myself.

that doesn’t mean be a doormat. That doesn’t mean allow someone just to pick on you. But there comes a certain level of petty that is just healthy to let them be.

😁

 

Yes, when infidelity means divorce and not reconciliation. I can’t imagine watching any of that play out while married but if divorced, absolutely. I let go of my cheating husband and watched him immediately run into a new marriage without any indication that he had done any work on himself. I had tried for decades to change him and that obviously didn’t work so I finally let go. I have no idea if he cheated on his new wife but he took along all his other issues with him and I saw those play out in his new marriage the same way they had in ours. I was a very slow learner but I found that it certainly is very freeing to stop trying to control the outcome where other people are concerned. Now, I focus on what happens in my life and let others focus on what happens in theirs. I get to choose whether they’re in my life and to what extent. Much better.

 

That probably works fine as long as you let go of everything and walk away and do what you want as well while leaving them in the dust along the side of the road.

The problem is some people will interpret “let them” as having no boundaries and accepting treatment that is unacceptable to you.

in other words they will stay and will continue to provide effort and utility into the marriage while the WS continues to exploit and mistreat them while still extracting labor and utility out of them.

The real catch here is WS’s are rarely actually wanting to leave the marriage….. otherwise they would have already left.

What most are doing is extracting labor, resources and other goods and services from the BS while having fun and games with the AP.

The BS is just provide the labor, resources and good and services but not getting not getting any of the fun and games and sexy good times.

It’s win-win for the WS and AP, but lose-lose for the BS.

So IMHO as long as the BS completely cuts the cords and walks away with looking back to live their own best life solely on their own terms - sure, let the WS do what they want.

But if people are interpreting that advice as sucking it up and taking it, That is just going to lead to more abuse and exploitation of the BS.

 

.....When you "Let Them" do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace.

Drive by comment on our girl Mel, a former lawyer and CNN legal analyst who has morphed into something of a fraud and and grifter. She is frequently compared to charlatan Jay Shetty (the life coach who ficticously claimed to have been a Hindu monk for 3 years, I love this guy...). Her presentation style is described as crass and condescending which she claims is a clear stamp authenticity. It does make her sometimes weepy videos unwatchable. The content material is not hers and no credit was given to Cassie Phillips who wrote the original 'Let Them' poem. She states to have never seen the work. I saw a snippet of a TD Jakes sermon in which he used the concept also but Mel hasn't seen those homilies either. The poem has been drifting around TAM for about 10 years.

My thoughts agree with Oldshirt. The 'theory' gives big benefits and a blessing to the wrongdoer. Because it instructs the 'letting go person' never to hold them to account or scrutinize their behavior. A forever hall pass, get out of jail free card. The worst instance is one in which you 'let them' say as many lies as they like about you they like about you on social media, to the courts, to friends, children, family, your co-workers or damage you economically. And label any clapback as obsession. 'Let them' do as much damage as they want?

There are some savage comedy TikToks out there roasting Mel but I haven't seen them. Maybe someone else has. She is also trying to trademark 'Let Them' so the original author cannot profit.

 

I didn’t know about Jay Shetty, he is still says that he was a monk! How interesting.

As far as Mel, she doesn’t strike me as condescending, she seems pretty positive. I’ve listened to a few of her podcast episodes and they were engaging so I don’t see the condescending from that sample but maybe she is.

Not a fan of any particular person but I’m definitely a podcast dabbler so I find this gossip interesting. I have to look this stuff up now.

 

I thought it was a great book, but I didn't read it for infidelity reasons. I like how Mel Robbins gives some practical advice in general, on how to let go of obsessing over people in your life who have hurt us in some way and start healing by ''letting them'' be who they are. I guess it could be applied if you're dealing with a cheater - ''let them'' live with the consequences, let them do whatever they want, but that frees the betrayed partner to do what they need to do, to heal. I took from it that we think if someone else would change, then everything will be great. But, instead of waiting on people to change or always reacting to other people’s behavior, just let them be who they are and you’re freed up to do what you need to do.

 

So basically, no, I’ve not applied it to infidelity. Sure you have to let people make their choices. If that’s letting them then maybe that theory applies. But that theory does no good for the person just sticking around to watch it happen.

If you’re not looking to reconcile, then just move on. Don’t stick around to watch. Let them happen. Let them do whatever while you move on. Who cares?

 

I apologize for vaguely articulating my position and the main idea of my post.
I think the only correct answer to infidelity is to end the relationship/divorce ASAP without hesitation and pick me dance.
That's why I'm talking about the "Let Them" method in the post only when using it in the healing process AFTER a breakup/divorce. Because there can be no true healing for BP staying with the cheater in principle.
The basis of this method is actually the confidence that karma will take care of the cheater on its own (as I wrote in my previous Thread).

 

I’ve read this book. I think a lot of the people here are missing the “and then let me…” part of the equation. Let anyone and everyone be who they are without trying to control, manipulate or change them… then let me decide what I will do about that reality. That’s the crux of it. Focus on your reactions, your mental and physical well being and your choices rather than their side of the street.


Watching my ex husband consistently fail to be a decent husband and take accountability resulted in my decision to leave him. So without knowing it, it’s what I did. I don’t think a whole “theory” needed to be created, whomever’s it is. It’s just healthy interaction and boundaries by other terms. But it’s nice she made the practice accessible to those who didn’t have good therapists to teach them I suppose.

 

I think a lot of the people here are missing the “and then let me…” part of the equation. Let anyone and everyone be who they are without trying to control, manipulate or change them… then let me decide what I will do about that reality. That’s the crux of it.

Yes.

Quite a few people on TAM just do not seem able to get the idea of boundaries.
They think it's about controlling what someone else does.

The book is not a bad book, but it's just a restatement of the idea of boundaries.

 

This book seems relevant to what I'm going through right now. A year ago I discovered that my wife had what can best be described as an emotional affair with an exbf. She's only partially acknowledged it and only ended contact by me forcing her to. We have young kids so I don't see walking away as an option. After seeing a therapist and chatting with AI (kind of creepy to think about, but it's been helpful), reading books (Not Just Friends), lots of articles, posts here and elsewhere I've come to the conclusion that I have to focus on myself. Pursue my goals. Work on improving myself. Not in some attempt to make her happy or for her, but for myself and my children. This idea of "let them..." seems to make sense to me. I wouldn't let her continue the EA, but I'm not going to waste my energy and hope on her acknowledging my pain any longer. I see her differently now. She is who she is. Amazing in some ways and with some serious flaws. Does this make sense in terms of this book?

 

Yes, it makes sense from the point of view of this "theory". Although I and most of those who are familiar with the "theory" apply it letting the cheater go on all four sides: do what you want, with whom you want and when you want. But on one condition: I am no longer your partner/spouse in the true sense of the word. I don't want to fix you, I don't want to fix a relationship. You and the relationship can't be changed. And I don't want that. I let you go. I let the marriage go. We can live together, formally stay married for various reasons, but we're just roommates, parenting partners. That's all. Almost an open relationship/marriage, but with clear boundaries. As a rule, the betrayed partner leaves when they are ready (the money has appeared, the children have grown up, new affairs, they can no longer tolerate the presence of a cheater next to them, etc.).
As for your case.
Yes, you may not let her continue EA, but are you sure she hasn't already found a way to communicate with him and you just don't know about it? Are you sure she didn't have an EA/PA in the past? Are you sure she won't cheat on you in the future?
But you can be sure of one thing beyond any doubt: she has never loved or respected you, does not love or respect you now, and of course you should not hope for these feelings in the future. She only loves her ex. You are the second choice, she stays with you only because it is beneficial to her. But everything can change - not in her feelings and behavior towards you but in her determination to start a new life with an ex or with another AP. Because she's unreliable and selfish by her nature.
If you are satisfied with such a "second-rate" life with very high risks this is your choice. It seems like you agree being a full-time cop and investigator in your marriage till the end of your life.
But you're unhappy, she's unhappy, and children in a family with unhappy parents are never truly happy. This is the law.