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Would you stay together?

  • Yes

    Votes: 5 38.5%
  • No

    Votes: 8 61.5%
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Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change.

We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication.

Just a few days after the wedding we had a row, silly really, but he said something like he would be happy as long as he got his surfing holidays with the lads, and I questioned it and said well we have just got married so I think we will talk about stuff like that, to which he snapped and I felt like a bunny boiler so I just laughed it off. But I remember thinking omg we dont even know what we expect from each other. Even at this point, on our wedding holiday, and less than a year into the relationship, intimacy was lacking. We hardly ever had sex. He didnt seem to want to and would turn me down. I just let it go.

In our first year of marriage we had real issues with intimacy. We would go weeks without having sex. We often wouldnt do anything together as a couple really. A couple of months before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was going on a surf trip to Indonesia with his best friend, if I'm honest now I probably felt jealous/left out, lonely, but I didnt say that, I made out it was fine. The only thing that I did complain about was he was flying 2 days before our wedding anniversary so he would miss it, the date was decided to suit his friends work, so I made a childish comment about his work being more important than our marriage. I then planned a trip to Thailand to do some volunteering and I did this alone. On this trip I decided the marriage was never going to work and I was going to tell him it was over when I next saw him (I was flying to meet him and his friends in Indonesia). The first night I arrived, he picked me up from the airport and then when we got to the accommodation he went out with his friends and I was left in the room for hours. When he came back I tried to discuss how poor things were but then he got a stomach bug and I spent the time looking after him instead (I am a nurse, ha)! Things did improve and I guess we just plodded on.
The next couple of years were ok. Never great. Never dire. We had some laughs and actually the intimacy probably did improve a little. We did share a passion for travelling and went on some good city breaks etc.
We then had a baby. Who is the best thing ever. Things were good at this point, he was a fantastic daddy, loved her, we moved away from where there was surf (for work reasons) and we had a good family unit. The baby was great and when I went back to work we pulled together well. My husband wanted another child as he hates being an only child, and I agreed, and fell pregnant much quicker than I expected. We then moved again (work), and things went dramatically downhill. I changed my job from Monday-Friday to back working shifts (for financial reasons and the cost of nursery for 2 babies). We argued every time I had to go to work. He seemed to hate doing any childcare. He took up triathlon and lots of spare time and money went on this.
By the time the baby was due I think I hated him. I had taken 2 weeks agency work when I started my leave from the NHS, 36-38 weeks pregnant, but the money was great and the role was so easy, it meant my husband had to look after our then just turned 2yr old (who was a dream child), I felt so so bad about doing the work and making him provide the childcare. I really battled with myself over doing it, but it was his 40th and he wanted to do the ironman in Lanzarote, the trip was going to cost over 2k and that is what I was using the money for from these two weeks work. I paid is as his birthday gift. Whilst I was on this agency contract I discovered he had got into a lot of debt. Probably around 20k. We had a joint account and I worked very hard yet there was never any money and I hadnt looked into why to be honest, I think I just lwt him convince me that is what life costs etc. But I found out and he apologised and told me it would never happen again. He has spent the money on his hobbies, like an example is his pedals were £750! He had just bought everything he wanted. We agreed to separate finances and that is what we have done since and we just pay 50% of the bills each. I probably was too easy on him but I was just about to have a baby and I didnt have the energy to fight.
When the baby was born things got worse. He didnt bond at all with him. He trained even harder because he was getting really good at triathlon now. I just did my own thing. We resented each other. He used to say things like I didn't support him in his passion, sport was who he was etc etc. And I used to say he didnt support me in helping with the children or cooking etc. It was so so ****! I used to fantasise about leaving all of the time.
When I went back to work after baby no2, I used to do 2 x 12hr hospital shifts a week. My husband worked (in a gym) monday-friday. He hated if I worked a weekend, but I used to request a Sunday because it was time plus 60% and it meant we didnt need to pay for childcare for 2 kids for that shift. So essentially saved £200 a week with these factors. He never saw the importance of this, despite the money issues. We continued to argue and never really saw each others point of view on anything.
We moved into the house we are in now in 2019. Things got even worse. I increased my hours and got a promotion. He hated that. Whenever I wasnt at work I would avoid him and take the kids with me for an easy life, but it did make the wedge greater. Lockdown was a real challenge because he stayed home to look after the childrens and as a nurse I didnt have that luxury. He thought I had it easier going to work, was angry, expecting me to do everything when I got home, whereas i thought he was lucky to be paid to be at home, safe, with the kids! We drifted further apart. Last year was the worst. He started criticising me as a parent. Had a huge row for me feeding the kids cheesy pasta one day, wrote a long critical text because I had forgotten to get eggs in the shop one day (he said I go above and beyond for the nhs but my family get the dregs). Now, if there is one thing I know I am good at, and that is being a mummy. The kids get everything! And usually eggs Haha! So I decided it was over. I moved into the spare room and told him I was done. Initially he seemed to agree. One day I confided in a man that we knew mutually. Happened to see him at the school gates and we spent the whole day together talking. He validated my claims that I was perfect and the marriage was terrible. I had started an emotional affair. Suddenly he seemed "perfect". A true gent. the absolute opposite of my husband in every way. My husband then had what he calls an epiphany and he was so sorry for the whole relationship. Declared his undying love. Then found out about my affair. Handled it amazingly well. I hated seeing Mike hurt so I agreed to try counselling. Stopped contact with this other man. Since then, 6 months ago, I found out my husband got into another huge amount of debt (he was lucky enough to pay the last 20k off with his army retirement money), but we are back in same position again, but he has been much easier to live with. He tried so hard to make me fall back in love with him. And at one point I thought I could. We have had a laugh again. I enjoy the time as a family. My kids are now 6 and 4, and they adore us being together. My husband is so much better as a father. But I just dont love him. I hate the thought of being intimate. I avoid him if I can. He is really handsome and I said to him last night that I feel like this and life is too short. He is so upset. He said it is a shock, I really think he believed we could turn it all round, and maybe we can. But I just feel he is not, and never has been, the "one". I cant bare the thought of splitting the family up. I've no idea how it would work logistically. But can we spend the rest of our lives like this? It has never felt right. I know this sounds so childish, but I connected so much more with this man in November. I just keep thinking what if we could both be so much happier in out lives than we are together. But then I feel terrible for not putting the children first.
Has anyone managed to successfully stay together for the children?
Thank you for reading this x
Op--

What is the timeframe from the 'epihany' to now? Meaning, how long has he been easy to live with?

Did he completely give up the surfing and/or triathalons then? for you?
 

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Quite a sweeping statement. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but put it like this, I could run that past dozens of kids I know from divorced families who'd laugh at it. And no, they're not all from wealthy backgrounds.

I doubt if all the children of divorced couples are limping around, hugely damaged as is being suggested on here. In fact I know that's not the case. Perhaps a higher figure, but certainly research hasn't come up with dramatic figures. There's even a stigma about divorced parents, he/she should have stayed for the kids. It's easy to say looking on from an armchair.

Bottom line, if parents handle divorce well and I know dozens of those too, their kids will come out just fine.
Quite a sweeping statement(bolded)...I could run that past several kids and they may laugh....or maybe they cry..

More so now than ever.....its a matter of finances, in many cases....I hate to break it down to just that, but unfortunately, it is...People, unless they are at the top tier of earners, can barely afford one domicile with both parents working......working hard......

My parents "handled divorce well"...we went from barely making it, to almost homeless and my siblings and i had to live with relatives for a while...sounds like a blast...."just fine"....

A guy(I say guy because I have never seen or heard of women that are in the same situation), that can practically never see his own kids because work prevents it can't possibly be happy, or can't possibly be the ideal...

I'm not even advocating stay....some people do it and regret it because they gave up a big portion of their own lives...That's fine, I can relate to that..

Almost no divorces are clean and harmonious... Name calling, back biting, fighting over custody, fighting over money, etc...I get that in many cases, its necessary,(divorce), but when it comes to kids, its almost never better....02..
 

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Adult children are also always horrified to find out their parents stayed in an unhappy marriage because of them.
If they are horrified “to learn” then that implies it might not have been a bad experience for them. That maybe the decision to stay married “for the kids” was a sacrifice worth making. If the adult kids instead said “that explains a lot of my bad childhood” it would be a different thing.
 

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If they are horrified “to learn” then that implies it might not have been a bad experience for them. That maybe the decision to stay married “for the kids” was a sacrifice worth making. If the adult kids instead said “that explains a lot of my bad childhood” it would be a different thing.
Not from what I've seen. The few that I am thinking of were horrified because their parent's relationship was either very cold and emotionless, or they fought all the time. In one family, the 3 kids left as soon as they could (by 18yrs old), and none are doing well as adults. Some of the kids struggled with drug abuse as well.

So NO, that's not what I meant to imply at all.
 

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The grass isn't always greener on the other side. You need to forget about these what ifs. The guy you had an emotional affair with is partly made up in your head. You are not allowing your marriage to work by staying stuck on this "there could be someone better". If he is a great dad and you two connected at some point enough to marry, I would do anything I could to repair that. I think you have to get your head into it, and stop being half way in, half way out. It might be too late to salvage your marriage, lots of damage has been done. But you got to be fully in it or you might as well walk away.
 

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Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change.

We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication.

Just a few days after the wedding we had a row, silly really, but he said something like he would be happy as long as he got his surfing holidays with the lads, and I questioned it and said well we have just got married so I think we will talk about stuff like that, to which he snapped and I felt like a bunny boiler so I just laughed it off. But I remember thinking omg we dont even know what we expect from each other. Even at this point, on our wedding holiday, and less than a year into the relationship, intimacy was lacking. We hardly ever had sex. He didnt seem to want to and would turn me down. I just let it go.

In our first year of marriage we had real issues with intimacy. We would go weeks without having sex. We often wouldnt do anything together as a couple really. A couple of months before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was going on a surf trip to Indonesia with his best friend, if I'm honest now I probably felt jealous/left out, lonely, but I didnt say that, I made out it was fine. The only thing that I did complain about was he was flying 2 days before our wedding anniversary so he would miss it, the date was decided to suit his friends work, so I made a childish comment about his work being more important than our marriage. I then planned a trip to Thailand to do some volunteering and I did this alone. On this trip I decided the marriage was never going to work and I was going to tell him it was over when I next saw him (I was flying to meet him and his friends in Indonesia). The first night I arrived, he picked me up from the airport and then when we got to the accommodation he went out with his friends and I was left in the room for hours. When he came back I tried to discuss how poor things were but then he got a stomach bug and I spent the time looking after him instead (I am a nurse, ha)! Things did improve and I guess we just plodded on.
The next couple of years were ok. Never great. Never dire. We had some laughs and actually the intimacy probably did improve a little. We did share a passion for travelling and went on some good city breaks etc.
We then had a baby. Who is the best thing ever. Things were good at this point, he was a fantastic daddy, loved her, we moved away from where there was surf (for work reasons) and we had a good family unit. The baby was great and when I went back to work we pulled together well. My husband wanted another child as he hates being an only child, and I agreed, and fell pregnant much quicker than I expected. We then moved again (work), and things went dramatically downhill. I changed my job from Monday-Friday to back working shifts (for financial reasons and the cost of nursery for 2 babies). We argued every time I had to go to work. He seemed to hate doing any childcare. He took up triathlon and lots of spare time and money went on this.
By the time the baby was due I think I hated him. I had taken 2 weeks agency work when I started my leave from the NHS, 36-38 weeks pregnant, but the money was great and the role was so easy, it meant my husband had to look after our then just turned 2yr old (who was a dream child), I felt so so bad about doing the work and making him provide the childcare. I really battled with myself over doing it, but it was his 40th and he wanted to do the ironman in Lanzarote, the trip was going to cost over 2k and that is what I was using the money for from these two weeks work. I paid is as his birthday gift. Whilst I was on this agency contract I discovered he had got into a lot of debt. Probably around 20k. We had a joint account and I worked very hard yet there was never any money and I hadnt looked into why to be honest, I think I just lwt him convince me that is what life costs etc. But I found out and he apologised and told me it would never happen again. He has spent the money on his hobbies, like an example is his pedals were £750! He had just bought everything he wanted. We agreed to separate finances and that is what we have done since and we just pay 50% of the bills each. I probably was too easy on him but I was just about to have a baby and I didnt have the energy to fight.
When the baby was born things got worse. He didnt bond at all with him. He trained even harder because he was getting really good at triathlon now. I just did my own thing. We resented each other. He used to say things like I didn't support him in his passion, sport was who he was etc etc. And I used to say he didnt support me in helping with the children or cooking etc. It was so so ****! I used to fantasise about leaving all of the time.
When I went back to work after baby no2, I used to do 2 x 12hr hospital shifts a week. My husband worked (in a gym) monday-friday. He hated if I worked a weekend, but I used to request a Sunday because it was time plus 60% and it meant we didnt need to pay for childcare for 2 kids for that shift. So essentially saved £200 a week with these factors. He never saw the importance of this, despite the money issues. We continued to argue and never really saw each others point of view on anything.
We moved into the house we are in now in 2019. Things got even worse. I increased my hours and got a promotion. He hated that. Whenever I wasnt at work I would avoid him and take the kids with me for an easy life, but it did make the wedge greater. Lockdown was a real challenge because he stayed home to look after the childrens and as a nurse I didnt have that luxury. He thought I had it easier going to work, was angry, expecting me to do everything when I got home, whereas i thought he was lucky to be paid to be at home, safe, with the kids! We drifted further apart. Last year was the worst. He started criticising me as a parent. Had a huge row for me feeding the kids cheesy pasta one day, wrote a long critical text because I had forgotten to get eggs in the shop one day (he said I go above and beyond for the nhs but my family get the dregs). Now, if there is one thing I know I am good at, and that is being a mummy. The kids get everything! And usually eggs Haha! So I decided it was over. I moved into the spare room and told him I was done. Initially he seemed to agree. One day I confided in a man that we knew mutually. Happened to see him at the school gates and we spent the whole day together talking. He validated my claims that I was perfect and the marriage was terrible. I had started an emotional affair. Suddenly he seemed "perfect". A true gent. the absolute opposite of my husband in every way. My husband then had what he calls an epiphany and he was so sorry for the whole relationship. Declared his undying love. Then found out about my affair. Handled it amazingly well. I hated seeing Mike hurt so I agreed to try counselling. Stopped contact with this other man. Since then, 6 months ago, I found out my husband got into another huge amount of debt (he was lucky enough to pay the last 20k off with his army retirement money), but we are back in same position again, but he has been much easier to live with. He tried so hard to make me fall back in love with him. And at one point I thought I could. We have had a laugh again. I enjoy the time as a family. My kids are now 6 and 4, and they adore us being together. My husband is so much better as a father. But I just dont love him. I hate the thought of being intimate. I avoid him if I can. He is really handsome and I said to him last night that I feel like this and life is too short. He is so upset. He said it is a shock, I really think he believed we could turn it all round, and maybe we can. But I just feel he is not, and never has been, the "one". I cant bare the thought of splitting the family up. I've no idea how it would work logistically. But can we spend the rest of our lives like this? It has never felt right. I know this sounds so childish, but I connected so much more with this man in November. I just keep thinking what if we could both be so much happier in out lives than we are together. But then I feel terrible for not putting the children first.
Has anyone managed to successfully stay together for the children?
Thank you for reading this x
Are you saying that you feel like your life is just like the song by: Mary Chapin Carpenter “House of Cards”, Or “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her”.??
 

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Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change.

We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication.

Just a few days after the wedding we had a row, silly really, but he said something like he would be happy as long as he got his surfing holidays with the lads, and I questioned it and said well we have just got married so I think we will talk about stuff like that, to which he snapped and I felt like a bunny boiler so I just laughed it off. But I remember thinking omg we dont even know what we expect from each other. Even at this point, on our wedding holiday, and less than a year into the relationship, intimacy was lacking. We hardly ever had sex. He didnt seem to want to and would turn me down. I just let it go.

In our first year of marriage we had real issues with intimacy. We would go weeks without having sex. We often wouldnt do anything together as a couple really. A couple of months before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was going on a surf trip to Indonesia with his best friend, if I'm honest now I probably felt jealous/left out, lonely, but I didnt say that, I made out it was fine. The only thing that I did complain about was he was flying 2 days before our wedding anniversary so he would miss it, the date was decided to suit his friends work, so I made a childish comment about his work being more important than our marriage. I then planned a trip to Thailand to do some volunteering and I did this alone. On this trip I decided the marriage was never going to work and I was going to tell him it was over when I next saw him (I was flying to meet him and his friends in Indonesia). The first night I arrived, he picked me up from the airport and then when we got to the accommodation he went out with his friends and I was left in the room for hours. When he came back I tried to discuss how poor things were but then he got a stomach bug and I spent the time looking after him instead (I am a nurse, ha)! Things did improve and I guess we just plodded on.
The next couple of years were ok. Never great. Never dire. We had some laughs and actually the intimacy probably did improve a little. We did share a passion for travelling and went on some good city breaks etc.
We then had a baby. Who is the best thing ever. Things were good at this point, he was a fantastic daddy, loved her, we moved away from where there was surf (for work reasons) and we had a good family unit. The baby was great and when I went back to work we pulled together well. My husband wanted another child as he hates being an only child, and I agreed, and fell pregnant much quicker than I expected. We then moved again (work), and things went dramatically downhill. I changed my job from Monday-Friday to back working shifts (for financial reasons and the cost of nursery for 2 babies). We argued every time I had to go to work. He seemed to hate doing any childcare. He took up triathlon and lots of spare time and money went on this.
By the time the baby was due I think I hated him. I had taken 2 weeks agency work when I started my leave from the NHS, 36-38 weeks pregnant, but the money was great and the role was so easy, it meant my husband had to look after our then just turned 2yr old (who was a dream child), I felt so so bad about doing the work and making him provide the childcare. I really battled with myself over doing it, but it was his 40th and he wanted to do the ironman in Lanzarote, the trip was going to cost over 2k and that is what I was using the money for from these two weeks work. I paid is as his birthday gift. Whilst I was on this agency contract I discovered he had got into a lot of debt. Probably around 20k. We had a joint account and I worked very hard yet there was never any money and I hadnt looked into why to be honest, I think I just lwt him convince me that is what life costs etc. But I found out and he apologised and told me it would never happen again. He has spent the money on his hobbies, like an example is his pedals were £750! He had just bought everything he wanted. We agreed to separate finances and that is what we have done since and we just pay 50% of the bills each. I probably was too easy on him but I was just about to have a baby and I didnt have the energy to fight.
When the baby was born things got worse. He didnt bond at all with him. He trained even harder because he was getting really good at triathlon now. I just did my own thing. We resented each other. He used to say things like I didn't support him in his passion, sport was who he was etc etc. And I used to say he didnt support me in helping with the children or cooking etc. It was so so ****! I used to fantasise about leaving all of the time.
When I went back to work after baby no2, I used to do 2 x 12hr hospital shifts a week. My husband worked (in a gym) monday-friday. He hated if I worked a weekend, but I used to request a Sunday because it was time plus 60% and it meant we didnt need to pay for childcare for 2 kids for that shift. So essentially saved £200 a week with these factors. He never saw the importance of this, despite the money issues. We continued to argue and never really saw each others point of view on anything.
We moved into the house we are in now in 2019. Things got even worse. I increased my hours and got a promotion. He hated that. Whenever I wasnt at work I would avoid him and take the kids with me for an easy life, but it did make the wedge greater. Lockdown was a real challenge because he stayed home to look after the childrens and as a nurse I didnt have that luxury. He thought I had it easier going to work, was angry, expecting me to do everything when I got home, whereas i thought he was lucky to be paid to be at home, safe, with the kids! We drifted further apart. Last year was the worst. He started criticising me as a parent. Had a huge row for me feeding the kids cheesy pasta one day, wrote a long critical text because I had forgotten to get eggs in the shop one day (he said I go above and beyond for the nhs but my family get the dregs). Now, if there is one thing I know I am good at, and that is being a mummy. The kids get everything! And usually eggs Haha! So I decided it was over. I moved into the spare room and told him I was done. Initially he seemed to agree. One day I confided in a man that we knew mutually. Happened to see him at the school gates and we spent the whole day together talking. He validated my claims that I was perfect and the marriage was terrible. I had started an emotional affair. Suddenly he seemed "perfect". A true gent. the absolute opposite of my husband in every way. My husband then had what he calls an epiphany and he was so sorry for the whole relationship. Declared his undying love. Then found out about my affair. Handled it amazingly well. I hated seeing Mike hurt so I agreed to try counselling. Stopped contact with this other man. Since then, 6 months ago, I found out my husband got into another huge amount of debt (he was lucky enough to pay the last 20k off with his army retirement money), but we are back in same position again, but he has been much easier to live with. He tried so hard to make me fall back in love with him. And at one point I thought I could. We have had a laugh again. I enjoy the time as a family. My kids are now 6 and 4, and they adore us being together. My husband is so much better as a father. But I just dont love him. I hate the thought of being intimate. I avoid him if I can. He is really handsome and I said to him last night that I feel like this and life is too short. He is so upset. He said it is a shock, I really think he believed we could turn it all round, and maybe we can. But I just feel he is not, and never has been, the "one". I cant bare the thought of splitting the family up. I've no idea how it would work logistically. But can we spend the rest of our lives like this? It has never felt right. I know this sounds so childish, but I connected so much more with this man in November. I just keep thinking what if we could both be so much happier in out lives than we are together. But then I feel terrible for not putting the children first.
Has anyone managed to successfully stay together for the children?
Thank you for reading this x
It can, a father In. The home, a wife too givea the best success for the kids, its an intact unit.
Both together are a better force than single divorced financially and socially.
You both need to want and a reason to live and love, ephesians in the Bible says to submit to each other, but we get the concept of oneness, one individualism wrong, submisubmittng is agreed g somewhat, but more loving. What does ot mean to submit to o ne another as Jesus did with God. Read Dr. Gotmans making marriage work, and the 6 hours a week rule too
Worse thing, for 50 years communists, now called the woke, have been telling women a man,
A father, is not needed. A politic. It tells women that, it's better to do without If not fulfilled and it worked as demonstrated by the high divorce rate.
Learn how to date, game each other, and take turns seducing each other 1x a month.
It's normal to feel this way.
One more book, the proper care and feeding of marriage by Dr. LAura schlesdinger.
 

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Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change.

We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication.

Just a few days after the wedding we had a row, silly really, but he said something like he would be happy as long as he got his surfing holidays with the lads, and I questioned it and said well we have just got married so I think we will talk about stuff like that, to which he snapped and I felt like a bunny boiler so I just laughed it off. But I remember thinking omg we dont even know what we expect from each other. Even at this point, on our wedding holiday, and less than a year into the relationship, intimacy was lacking. We hardly ever had sex. He didnt seem to want to and would turn me down. I just let it go.

In our first year of marriage we had real issues with intimacy. We would go weeks without having sex. We often wouldnt do anything together as a couple really. A couple of months before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was going on a surf trip to Indonesia with his best friend, if I'm honest now I probably felt jealous/left out, lonely, but I didnt say that, I made out it was fine. The only thing that I did complain about was he was flying 2 days before our wedding anniversary so he would miss it, the date was decided to suit his friends work, so I made a childish comment about his work being more important than our marriage. I then planned a trip to Thailand to do some volunteering and I did this alone. On this trip I decided the marriage was never going to work and I was going to tell him it was over when I next saw him (I was flying to meet him and his friends in Indonesia). The first night I arrived, he picked me up from the airport and then when we got to the accommodation he went out with his friends and I was left in the room for hours. When he came back I tried to discuss how poor things were but then he got a stomach bug and I spent the time looking after him instead (I am a nurse, ha)! Things did improve and I guess we just plodded on.
The next couple of years were ok. Never great. Never dire. We had some laughs and actually the intimacy probably did improve a little. We did share a passion for travelling and went on some good city breaks etc.
We then had a baby. Who is the best thing ever. Things were good at this point, he was a fantastic daddy, loved her, we moved away from where there was surf (for work reasons) and we had a good family unit. The baby was great and when I went back to work we pulled together well. My husband wanted another child as he hates being an only child, and I agreed, and fell pregnant much quicker than I expected. We then moved again (work), and things went dramatically downhill. I changed my job from Monday-Friday to back working shifts (for financial reasons and the cost of nursery for 2 babies). We argued every time I had to go to work. He seemed to hate doing any childcare. He took up triathlon and lots of spare time and money went on this.
By the time the baby was due I think I hated him. I had taken 2 weeks agency work when I started my leave from the NHS, 36-38 weeks pregnant, but the money was great and the role was so easy, it meant my husband had to look after our then just turned 2yr old (who was a dream child), I felt so so bad about doing the work and making him provide the childcare. I really battled with myself over doing it, but it was his 40th and he wanted to do the ironman in Lanzarote, the trip was going to cost over 2k and that is what I was using the money for from these two weeks work. I paid is as his birthday gift. Whilst I was on this agency contract I discovered he had got into a lot of debt. Probably around 20k. We had a joint account and I worked very hard yet there was never any money and I hadnt looked into why to be honest, I think I just lwt him convince me that is what life costs etc. But I found out and he apologised and told me it would never happen again. He has spent the money on his hobbies, like an example is his pedals were £750! He had just bought everything he wanted. We agreed to separate finances and that is what we have done since and we just pay 50% of the bills each. I probably was too easy on him but I was just about to have a baby and I didnt have the energy to fight.
When the baby was born things got worse. He didnt bond at all with him. He trained even harder because he was getting really good at triathlon now. I just did my own thing. We resented each other. He used to say things like I didn't support him in his passion, sport was who he was etc etc. And I used to say he didnt support me in helping with the children or cooking etc. It was so so ****! I used to fantasise about leaving all of the time.
When I went back to work after baby no2, I used to do 2 x 12hr hospital shifts a week. My husband worked (in a gym) monday-friday. He hated if I worked a weekend, but I used to request a Sunday because it was time plus 60% and it meant we didnt need to pay for childcare for 2 kids for that shift. So essentially saved £200 a week with these factors. He never saw the importance of this, despite the money issues. We continued to argue and never really saw each others point of view on anything.
We moved into the house we are in now in 2019. Things got even worse. I increased my hours and got a promotion. He hated that. Whenever I wasnt at work I would avoid him and take the kids with me for an easy life, but it did make the wedge greater. Lockdown was a real challenge because he stayed home to look after the childrens and as a nurse I didnt have that luxury. He thought I had it easier going to work, was angry, expecting me to do everything when I got home, whereas i thought he was lucky to be paid to be at home, safe, with the kids! We drifted further apart. Last year was the worst. He started criticising me as a parent. Had a huge row for me feeding the kids cheesy pasta one day, wrote a long critical text because I had forgotten to get eggs in the shop one day (he said I go above and beyond for the nhs but my family get the dregs). Now, if there is one thing I know I am good at, and that is being a mummy. The kids get everything! And usually eggs Haha! So I decided it was over. I moved into the spare room and told him I was done. Initially he seemed to agree. One day I confided in a man that we knew mutually. Happened to see him at the school gates and we spent the whole day together talking. He validated my claims that I was perfect and the marriage was terrible. I had started an emotional affair. Suddenly he seemed "perfect". A true gent. the absolute opposite of my husband in every way. My husband then had what he calls an epiphany and he was so sorry for the whole relationship. Declared his undying love. Then found out about my affair. Handled it amazingly well. I hated seeing Mike hurt so I agreed to try counselling. Stopped contact with this other man. Since then, 6 months ago, I found out my husband got into another huge amount of debt (he was lucky enough to pay the last 20k off with his army retirement money), but we are back in same position again, but he has been much easier to live with. He tried so hard to make me fall back in love with him. And at one point I thought I could. We have had a laugh again. I enjoy the time as a family. My kids are now 6 and 4, and they adore us being together. My husband is so much better as a father. But I just dont love him. I hate the thought of being intimate. I avoid him if I can. He is really handsome and I said to him last night that I feel like this and life is too short. He is so upset. He said it is a shock, I really think he believed we could turn it all round, and maybe we can. But I just feel he is not, and never has been, the "one". I cant bare the thought of splitting the family up. I've no idea how it would work logistically. But can we spend the rest of our lives like this? It has never felt right. I know this sounds so childish, but I connected so much more with this man in November. I just keep thinking what if we could both be so much happier in out lives than we are together. But then I feel terrible for not putting the children first.
Has anyone managed to successfully stay together for the children?
Thank you for reading this x
Me again,
Talk and get needs met. Get counseling to learn to do that. From now on agut trip every couple years, vacation time Is family time, and you two for occasional weeken romance trips. It doesn't have to be this way, change it, invent what you want.ask, demand, and both negotiate it with love.
 

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Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change.

We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication.

Just a few days after the wedding we had a row, silly really, but he said something like he would be happy as long as he got his surfing holidays with the lads, and I questioned it and said well we have just got married so I think we will talk about stuff like that, to which he snapped and I felt like a bunny boiler so I just laughed it off. But I remember thinking omg we dont even know what we expect from each other. Even at this point, on our wedding holiday, and less than a year into the relationship, intimacy was lacking. We hardly ever had sex. He didnt seem to want to and would turn me down. I just let it go.

In our first year of marriage we had real issues with intimacy. We would go weeks without having sex. We often wouldnt do anything together as a couple really. A couple of months before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was going on a surf trip to Indonesia with his best friend, if I'm honest now I probably felt jealous/left out, lonely, but I didnt say that, I made out it was fine. The only thing that I did complain about was he was flying 2 days before our wedding anniversary so he would miss it, the date was decided to suit his friends work, so I made a childish comment about his work being more important than our marriage. I then planned a trip to Thailand to do some volunteering and I did this alone. On this trip I decided the marriage was never going to work and I was going to tell him it was over when I next saw him (I was flying to meet him and his friends in Indonesia). The first night I arrived, he picked me up from the airport and then when we got to the accommodation he went out with his friends and I was left in the room for hours. When he came back I tried to discuss how poor things were but then he got a stomach bug and I spent the time looking after him instead (I am a nurse, ha)! Things did improve and I guess we just plodded on.
The next couple of years were ok. Never great. Never dire. We had some laughs and actually the intimacy probably did improve a little. We did share a passion for travelling and went on some good city breaks etc.
We then had a baby. Who is the best thing ever. Things were good at this point, he was a fantastic daddy, loved her, we moved away from where there was surf (for work reasons) and we had a good family unit. The baby was great and when I went back to work we pulled together well. My husband wanted another child as he hates being an only child, and I agreed, and fell pregnant much quicker than I expected. We then moved again (work), and things went dramatically downhill. I changed my job from Monday-Friday to back working shifts (for financial reasons and the cost of nursery for 2 babies). We argued every time I had to go to work. He seemed to hate doing any childcare. He took up triathlon and lots of spare time and money went on this.
By the time the baby was due I think I hated him. I had taken 2 weeks agency work when I started my leave from the NHS, 36-38 weeks pregnant, but the money was great and the role was so easy, it meant my husband had to look after our then just turned 2yr old (who was a dream child), I felt so so bad about doing the work and making him provide the childcare. I really battled with myself over doing it, but it was his 40th and he wanted to do the ironman in Lanzarote, the trip was going to cost over 2k and that is what I was using the money for from these two weeks work. I paid is as his birthday gift. Whilst I was on this agency contract I discovered he had got into a lot of debt. Probably around 20k. We had a joint account and I worked very hard yet there was never any money and I hadnt looked into why to be honest, I think I just lwt him convince me that is what life costs etc. But I found out and he apologised and told me it would never happen again. He has spent the money on his hobbies, like an example is his pedals were £750! He had just bought everything he wanted. We agreed to separate finances and that is what we have done since and we just pay 50% of the bills each. I probably was too easy on him but I was just about to have a baby and I didnt have the energy to fight.
When the baby was born things got worse. He didnt bond at all with him. He trained even harder because he was getting really good at triathlon now. I just did my own thing. We resented each other. He used to say things like I didn't support him in his passion, sport was who he was etc etc. And I used to say he didnt support me in helping with the children or cooking etc. It was so so ****! I used to fantasise about leaving all of the time.
When I went back to work after baby no2, I used to do 2 x 12hr hospital shifts a week. My husband worked (in a gym) monday-friday. He hated if I worked a weekend, but I used to request a Sunday because it was time plus 60% and it meant we didnt need to pay for childcare for 2 kids for that shift. So essentially saved £200 a week with these factors. He never saw the importance of this, despite the money issues. We continued to argue and never really saw each others point of view on anything.
We moved into the house we are in now in 2019. Things got even worse. I increased my hours and got a promotion. He hated that. Whenever I wasnt at work I would avoid him and take the kids with me for an easy life, but it did make the wedge greater. Lockdown was a real challenge because he stayed home to look after the childrens and as a nurse I didnt have that luxury. He thought I had it easier going to work, was angry, expecting me to do everything when I got home, whereas i thought he was lucky to be paid to be at home, safe, with the kids! We drifted further apart. Last year was the worst. He started criticising me as a parent. Had a huge row for me feeding the kids cheesy pasta one day, wrote a long critical text because I had forgotten to get eggs in the shop one day (he said I go above and beyond for the nhs but my family get the dregs). Now, if there is one thing I know I am good at, and that is being a mummy. The kids get everything! And usually eggs Haha! So I decided it was over. I moved into the spare room and told him I was done. Initially he seemed to agree. One day I confided in a man that we knew mutually. Happened to see him at the school gates and we spent the whole day together talking. He validated my claims that I was perfect and the marriage was terrible. I had started an emotional affair. Suddenly he seemed "perfect". A true gent. the absolute opposite of my husband in every way. My husband then had what he calls an epiphany and he was so sorry for the whole relationship. Declared his undying love. Then found out about my affair. Handled it amazingly well. I hated seeing Mike hurt so I agreed to try counselling. Stopped contact with this other man. Since then, 6 months ago, I found out my husband got into another huge amount of debt (he was lucky enough to pay the last 20k off with his army retirement money), but we are back in same position again, but he has been much easier to live with. He tried so hard to make me fall back in love with him. And at one point I thought I could. We have had a laugh again. I enjoy the time as a family. My kids are now 6 and 4, and they adore us being together. My husband is so much better as a father. But I just dont love him. I hate the thought of being intimate. I avoid him if I can. He is really handsome and I said to him last night that I feel like this and life is too short. He is so upset. He said it is a shock, I really think he believed we could turn it all round, and maybe we can. But I just feel he is not, and never has been, the "one". I cant bare the thought of splitting the family up. I've no idea how it would work logistically. But can we spend the rest of our lives like this? It has never felt right. I know this sounds so childish, but I connected so much more with this man in November. I just keep thinking what if we could both be so much happier in out lives than we are together. But then I feel terrible for not putting the children first.
Has anyone managed to successfully stay together for the children?
Thank you for reading this x
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
I thought I'd update in case anyone came across this post in their own searches with a imilar problem.

I stayed! I very nearly didn't. Just after this post things exploded, I secured a flat to rent, and then my husband asked me to stay, and I suppose I had nothing to lose.

Mr perfect dropped me like a hot potato and there has been no contact since for 7 months. There won't be again.

My husband has been very kind to me over it all. He has supported me grieving for the "relationship" and he hasn't ever made me feel bad for it, even though I totally ****ed up. I lied and I hurt him, and no matter how he treated me, this was awful and I will never do it again. I still think of it daily, I feel shame, and guilt, and think I should do the decent thing and leave and start over. But my husband understands and actually tried to reassure me it is in the past. A better man than many after all is said and done!

Are we madly in love? No. Although he tells me he loves me, and I do him, it is tarnished. We had problems before Lee. And since then it has been very challenging. But we don't fight. The children are happy. We make time for us as a couple more than we ever have, and we spend time together as a family. My husband has not gone back to his ways before his epiphany, which was now over a year ago. And things are looking positive. "The one" is maybe a lot of crap. No one is going to rescue you. There is no great love story! That "connection" and dream wasnt real, it was a fantasy. But the love I feel seeing my babies everyday, like now with my son falling asleep on me, is worth the world. This is enough.

Thank you to everyone who replied to me. It may seem weird asking a bunch of strangers their opinions, but of course friends would say whatever they thought they should, so I found this useful.
 

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I thought I'd update in case anyone came across this post in their own searches with a imilar problem.

I stayed! I very nearly didn't. Just after this post things exploded, I secured a flat to rent, and then my husband asked me to stay, and I suppose I had nothing to lose.

Mr perfect dropped me like a hot potato and there has been no contact since for 7 months. There won't be again.

My husband has been very kind to me over it all. He has supported me grieving for the "relationship" and he hasn't ever made me feel bad for it, even though I totally ****ed up. I lied and I hurt him, and no matter how he treated me, this was awful and I will never do it again. I still think of it daily, I feel shame, and guilt, and think I should do the decent thing and leave and start over. But my husband understands and actually tried to reassure me it is in the past. A better man than many after all is said and done!

Are we madly in love? No. Although he tells me he loves me, and I do him, it is tarnished. We had problems before Lee. And since then it has been very challenging. But we don't fight. The children are happy. We make time for us as a couple more than we ever have, and we spend time together as a family. My husband has not gone back to his ways before his epiphany, which was now over a year ago. And things are looking positive. "The one" is maybe a lot of crap. No one is going to rescue you. There is no great love story! That "connection" and dream wasnt real, it was a fantasy. But the love I feel seeing my babies everyday, like now with my son falling asleep on me, is worth the world. This is enough.

Thank you to everyone who replied to me. It may seem weird asking a bunch of strangers their opinions, but of course friends would say whatever they thought they should, so I found this useful.
Thanks for the update, @LindsayGlen.
I'm confused about a couple of points.
Did the affair become physical? If so, how long did it last?
Did your husband quit sports entirely or just cut back?
Are you two doing anything to build your marriage, rather than only living together without arguing?

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
Hi Cynthia, the affair wasn't really physical, we never had sex. The affair as on and off for a few months, I kept ending all contact "for the kids" and then something would happen and I'd feel stressed and run into his arms. Repeat. Repeat. I had him on a pedestal to be honest. He was so nice to me all of the time, it was probably escapism. We mainly spoke on the phone, a lot, daily, and he would meet me at work to give me a red bull. I truly believed he loved me and would care for me in a way I'd never had. Sounds so pathetic when I say it out loud.

When really throughout the affair my husband was begging me to rely on him, and go to him. But I never had, because he was never that man.

My husband hasn't quit sport entirely, no. I would never ask him to. He seems to have found a balance though. He has gotten into something new that is "quick", so rather than needing 6hrs a day to train, he needs 45 minutes. He fits it in with real life. He also seems to have prioritised us over his sport, whereas before he would be upset, resentful even, if he had to cut a 6hr cycle short, now he doesn't seem to mind if he can't make the gym because we have decided to go swimming instead for example. He really has changed his ways and he is more fun to be around.

Erm are trying. We went on a weekend break in Dec without the kids, we got on great. We are having a date night once a month, which is new. And we are listening to each other. We never did. Ever. We battled.
 

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I'm very happy for you and your family. If you keep making each other a priority and spending time alone together, your love for each other should grow.
Since you and your husband are facing the damaging things you did and you are correcting them, this will make a big difference in helping to build a marriage on a healthy foundation. It seems that you didn't start out that way, but are learning and growing together.
I'm glad you came back with an update. Will you stick around and participate on TAM? I believe you can offer a unique perspective that is helpful to others.

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