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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Just wondering if any EAs that never crossed the line to PAs were actually bad enough that couples divorced over them.

Edit: This is just a general question. It is not personal and it is not related to my other thread about the text message. That was obviously a sign of a full blown PA if anything!
 

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I will flip this around for you so you get the real impact of EAs.

EAs destroy marriages. They suck the life out of them. There is history rewriting and in general you end up with your spouse not being in love with you any more. So people end up divorcing but not realizing the EA caused it.

Then there are the EAs that are PAs but people never know or never know for sure.

But indeed EAs are pervasive. Most often EAs exist and are never seen as EAs. They are seen as frienships by the APs.

There are ONSs and other very short term PAs. But for the rest you basically have an EA that went physical. EAs though are about bonding as friends first. This creates the Oxytocin environment to let the boundries down. Then come more romantic thoughts. One becomes obsessed with thenother person. That if not caught very soon can lead to an escalation over night. A hug becomes an embrace, becomes a passionate kiss and the start of a PA.

An EA is an affair. It is unfaithful. It is cheating. Cheating is more than penetration. It is giving away oneself to another that should be just between spouses.

So not trying to hijack as you have a valid question. Just saying there is more to thsi than what your question seems to imply.

Not everyone dies from cancer. Not all EAs end in divorce but they destroy the marriage if left alone and often go terminal with a PA.

Not something one just lets run its course without severe damage.

BTW sexting is not part of an EA. Overt sexual expression is an EA+. An EA ready to go to a PA.
 

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Just wondering if any EAs that never crossed the line to PAs were actually bad enough that couples divorced over them.
I can think of at least two off the top of my head, but they are both posting in the private section.

I think people focus so much on did the penis get into the vagina. That's the one thing that pretty much everyone can agree on, violates the marriage vows. And even if one person wouldn't divorce over that, they understand that someone else would.

EAs--not everyone gets them until they go through one. They don't understand that these relationships are about one spouse turning away from the other. Building a huge wall between them, brick by brick, by confiding and channeling time and energy into someone else. That someone, BTW, doesn't have to be sexually attractive, and they don't have to be physically present. Many, many EAs are virtual over the Internet and it's not unusual in those cases for the 2 people to have never met.

The primary damage that an EA does is to cause the two spouses to grow apart. But in a true EA, there is also an element of secrecy. The disloyal spouse is confiding everything in their EA partner, and typically they are complaining about the marriage. They are having a variety of needs met by that EA partner and are not even giving their spouse a chance to meet those needs.

That level of dishonesty kills romantic love. Again, it's hard to believe until you've experienced it. I always say that EAs are insidious: proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects. Like a cancer that eats a marriage from the inside out.

Many people can forgive an EA if they are close to sure that there was no physical side. In an EA, what causes a permanent rupture is the loyal spouse's inability to recover trust in their partner. And that loss of trust is due to dishonesty, hiding things, and most of all, the LYING. The stress and anxiety that level of uncertainty can cause can reach a point where the loyal spouse simply refuses to live that way any more. And that's when they choose a divorce.
 

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Just wondering if any EAs that never crossed the line to PAs were actually bad enough that couples divorced over them.
Almost in my case. My wife was ready to pull the trigger on me and frankly, I was ready to let her.

So if this is in conjunction with your other post about the text, no you are not a bad guy if your wife was in the middle of an EA.

I can only speak for myself. At a certain point, I realized I was crossing a line. That I was blatantly choosing my 'friend' over my wife and that my actions were hurting my wife.

And I kept typing.

So...if this ameliorates your guilt at all, I'm glad. I would guess most EA people go through that step...but I can't say for sure.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Almost in my case. My wife was ready to pull the trigger on me and frankly, I was ready to let her.

So if this is in conjunction with your other post about the text, no you are not a bad guy if your wife was in the middle of an EA.

I can only speak for myself. At a certain point, I realized I was crossing a line. That I was blatantly choosing my 'friend' over my wife and that my actions were hurting my wife.

And I kept typing.

So...if this ameliorates your guilt at all, I'm glad. I would guess most EA people go through that step...but I can't say for sure.
Hi, this was just a general question. It is not personal and it is not related to my other thread about the text message. That was obviously a sign of a full blown PA if anything!
 

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As a side note to your topic. I'm amazed at just how many people out there who are happy to pursue a married person. They do this knowing that if they are successful in getting something going they could be helping to destroy a marriage and tear a family apart. I could use some choice language at this point but you get my drift.
 

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Several cases where the WW or WH divorced a betrayed and totally clueless spouse over an EA. They say they are in love and both cheaters have agreed to divorce before taking the step to PA.

But - cheaters lie - so who knows if they were telling the truth.
 

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As a side note to your topic. I'm amazed at just how many people out there who are happy to pursue a married person. They do this knowing that if they are successful in getting something going they could be helping to destroy a marriage and tear a family apart. I could use some choice language at this point but you get my drift.
The last thing on the affair partner's mind in the family of the OW/OM or the fact that they are going to tear the family apart. You're giving the AP too much credit for something that happens only if there are two willing participants. So your anger at the OW/OM should be in fact directed at your SO for having poor personal boundaries.
 

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My take is that the reason EA leads to divorce is that the WS is in fantasy land. It's very difficult to replace that fantasy land with the reality.

If you don't go through divorce and go for R, somewhere down the line the fantasy pops and there are fair chance that WS will again get in touch with AP.

It's very difficult to overcome/replace the newness the fantasy land provides !!!
 

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As a side note to your topic. I'm amazed at just how many people out there who are happy to pursue a married person. They do this knowing that if they are successful in getting something going they could be helping to destroy a marriage and tear a family apart. I could use some choice language at this point but you get my drift.
It's pure selfishness. They don't think of anyone but themselves and fork up any and all type of excuses in their head to justify the actions they know is wrong.
 

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EAs destroy marriages. They suck the life out of them. There is hostory rewriting and in general you end up with your spouse not being in love with you any more. So people end up divorcing but not realizing the EA cause it.

But indeed EAs are pervasive. Most often EAs exist and are never seen as EAs. They are seen as frienships by the APs.
:iagree:

We didn't divorce but we came very close. The EA never crossed, in fact they had never met in person. It was a fantasy and E3K is correct, she rewrote the marital history, disconnected from me and was ready to leave the marriage for it. She remained in complete denial that the relationship had anything to do with her disconnect or that it was anything more than a friendship. Only when it ended and she felt the loss of love did she realize it was more. None the less she didn't stop his attempts to reconnect and finally breaking NC until I let her know I was ready to walk out on her if it didn't end for good. So we both stepped up to the abyss during that period. We we within a gnat's ass of pulling the trigger.
 

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An EA is as Entropy said, like cancer. It does indeed eat the marriage from the inside out. The WS becomes a liar and a thief. They destroy the BS' trust from the bottom floor with their lies. THey steal from their BS and give to their AP. There is no honor amoung thieves.

So, Yes. EA's do destroy marriages. Just bc a WS doesnt have intercourse with AP doesnt mean the damage is any less. When your spouse gives their emotional energy, time and effort into someone that isnt YOU- they are choosing someone in your stead. Leaving you on the outside. They have 'fun' at your peril. They get rainbows and unicorns and the BS gets late nights with their head in the toilet. A BS is left living with a stranger. An imposter who pretended to love you. Virtually everything you thought you ever knew about your marriage, your life, your spouse is all down the drain.

If you get 'lucky' your WS will pull their head out of their azz and check back into the marriage. But that all comes with a heavy price and a very long row to hoe.

And lastly, Im always amazed at this question. Like people dont have the emotional intelligence to figure out that a marriage can be broken by MORE than screwing someone else.
 

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:iagree:

We didn't divorce but we came very close. The EA never crossed, in fact they had never met in person. It was a fantasy and E3K is correct, she rewrote the marital history, disconnected from me and was ready to leave the marriage for it. She remained in complete denial that the relationship had anything to do with her disconnect or that it was anything more than a friendship. Only when it ended and she felt the loss of love did she realize it was more. None the less she didn't stop his attempts to reconnect and finally breaking NC until I let her know I was ready to walk out on her if it didn't end for good. So we both stepped up to the abyss during that period. We we within a gnat's ass of pulling the trigger.
Ditto.
 

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I am actually on the verge of a divorce over an 8 month EA right now. I posted back in March regarding my situation. It was definitely only an EA and they never even met. Totally texting and phone calls. At this point I have divorce papers drawn up, and she is asking to try counseling one more time. The reasons her EA will most likely end in me saying no and going through the divorce is:

1. It started only six months after our marriage.
2. She lied about the extent of it through three months of counseling when we were supposedly reconciling last winter. I only found extent by more digging on my own.
3. She texted him two months into counseling (he never responded).
4. She never came clean about any details that I didn't find out on my own first.

It is the deception and destroyed trust that I can't figure a way to get past. She seems sincere now, but it is hard to know what to believe.
 

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I am actually on the verge of a divorce over an 8 month EA right now. I posted back in March regarding my situation. It was definitely only an EA and they never even met. Totally texting and phone calls. At this point I have divorce papers drawn up, and she is asking to try counseling one more time. The reasons her EA will most likely end in me saying no and going through the divorce is:

1. It started only six months after our marriage.
2. She lied about the extent of it through three months of counseling when we were supposedly reconciling last winter. I only found extent by more digging on my own.
3. She texted him two months into counseling (he never responded).
4. She never came clean about any details that I didn't find out on my own first.

It is the deception and destroyed trust that I can't figure a way to get past. She seems sincere now, but it is hard to know what to believe.
Yeah, I completely understand. For true successful R, you probably already know this but real remorse and unbroken NC is at the foundation of it, without a proper foundation for sure your house is going crash some day. She doesn't seem really remorseful, being sincere now could just be because he's not reciprocating anymore (like you said,he didn't respond) or she could just be faking like before. Who knows? What is she doing now that she wasn't doing before that's proof she's truly sincere and committed?

Cliche but true, ACTIONS speak louder than words, what are her actions saying? They already show that she chose her EAP over you. I mean after only 6 MONTHS of marriage, geebers! After a few years what would it be?

That being said, I'm pro marriage and reconciliation no matter the past if one truly wants (the DS) and can (the BS). I'm sorry you're going through this. It's tough, it hurts.
 

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As a side note to your topic. I'm amazed at just how many people out there who are happy to pursue a married person. They do this knowing that if they are successful in getting something going they could be helping to destroy a marriage and tear a family apart. I could use some choice language at this point but you get my drift.
good point some folks are so sick they get turned on by that very act as soon as the ww is available they throw them under the bus happens time and again

the grass is greenier where you water it
 

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I will flip this around for you so you get the real impact of EAs.

EAs destroy marriages. They suck the life out of them. There is hostory rewriting and in general you end up with your spouse not being in love with you any more. So people end up divorcing but not realizing the EA cause it.

Then there are the EAs that are PAs but people never know or never know for sure.

But indeed EAs are pervasive. Most often EAs exist and are never seen as EAs. They are seen as frienships by the APs.

There are ONSs and other very short term PAs. But for the rest you basically have an EA that went physical. EAs though are about bonding as friends first. This creates the Oxytocin environment to let the boundries down. Then come more romantic thoughts. One becomes obsessed with thenother person. That if not caught very soon can lead to an escalation over night. A hug becomes an embrace, becomes a passionate kiss and the start of a PA.

An EA is an affair. It is unfaithful. It is cheating. Cheating is more than penetration. It is giving away oneself to another that should be just between spouses.

So ot trying to hijack as you have a valid question. Just saying there is more to thsi than what your question seems to imply.

Not everyone dies from cancer. Not all EAs end in divorce but they destroy the marriage if left alone and often go terminal with a PA.

Not something one just lets run its course without severe damage.

BTW sexting is not part of an EA. Overt sexual expression is an EA+. An EA ready to go to a PA.
So eloquently stated. My exH allowed his friends to be dismissive of me. His friends wives would call him on his cellphone and make plans without any input from or advanced notice to me. No wonder I worked on developing my own friendships and avoiding his.

I've also learned to be less charitable about my friends around my partner. Amazing how many women get off on that special and inappropriate attention and especially when they can see it's at your expense.
 

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The last thing on the affair partner's mind in the family of the OW/OM or the fact that they are going to tear the family apart. You're giving the AP too much credit for something that happens only if there are two willing participants. So your anger at the OW/OM should be in fact directed at your SO for having poor personal boundaries.
I don't want to highjack this thread so just to be clear:

Don't generalize about AP's motivations. Granted sometimes thing "just happen" but sometimes the AP is more of a predator. ie they find a marriage in trouble, a married person dealing with depression, a married person that is lonely and they actively target them. Agreed it takes two but some people are weak or in a weakened state and can be worn down. I'm not angry at anyone...I'm sharing experience and knowledge.
 

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I also think that AP's somehow think they are removed from the situation. When the affair is discovered that they are just going to walk away like nothing happened. The retribution list is a long one and as they say "revenge is a dish best served cold".
 
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