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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
To start off we have been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have two kids 3&4 and have been happily married. We never fight and put all of our effort into raising our kids... unfortunately we have kind of disconnected somewhat during all of this. We both work opposite shifts so one of us is always home to take care of kids and we have the weekends off to enjoy the family. Well as of 4 months ago my Wife met her Soulmate with out doing anything. She told me from day one that she has a special connection with him as if it were her twin soul.... i Was worried from day one but she assured me that they were just friends and that what we had would never be over come by them. I asked her not to see him and she agreed but came to agree that they were ok to text and email each other about the club we were in where they met. I frequently checked in with her on him and she told me the truth in everything going on... this guy also married.. his wife dint find it too fond of my wife and him talking PERIOD.. SO they continued to talk and talk in secret behind both of our backs... then finally I caught the two of them out at a bar one night... i was Devastated. its is a full on EMOTIONAL AFFAIR .. She had indeed lied to me many times about what was going on but assured me everything was ok. finally that night she admitted to me that she was in love with him and actually has thoughts of leaving me for him... I Did not handle this so well and pushed and pushed with questions and begging to figure out what is going on. This indeed pushed her away and she did admit how embarrassed she is and guilty for lying. she then tries to turn the tables on me with the little stuff i have done in our relationship that has broken her trust and respect,

I have crossed the line in the bedroom recently and she completely repelled by me with what i have done in the bed room. she then proceeds to tell me that she was sexually abused as a kid and that the guy who did it told her the same thing over and over and over. " Come on you know you like it" . I had no clue about this and took it as her being shy and embarrassed... but now i feel like a piece of **** cause she did tell me no but i didn't listen... she is really confused alone rite now cause of her affair but she is 0 interested in any sex with me ever again....

.... so now we are and worlds ends from each other. She told me out rite that this guy is indeed her soulmate and believes they are meant to be with each other. She knows the path of destruction that will happen if she does go this route... the kids are at risk. She says even if she doesn't end up With this guy whom in her eye is "perfect" she now sees that our marriage has become planned and predictable and that we have become not as connected as them... her heart inst with me right now and she thinks that we have grown different. She does tell me she loves me and she can live 30 years happy with me however she does not think that is the best thing for HER.She wants to do whats best for her. She knows that if she stays with me that she will still have feelings for this guy no matter what and that would not make her the happiest she can be.

We have agreed to go to Marriage counseling and have gone once together then one single session for me and She goes this Friday.
She thinks its useless cause she wants whats best for her. I keep over perusing her and keep asking what she wants and what i don't give her etc. and she can not answer any of these. She has Asked for space and not to bother her and even considered moving into her moms house. there was a point where she gave her rings back to me to when i convinced her that we need counseling.

So where we stand now - She Doesn't want to talk to me about whats going on, she needs space however we live together.. She has been my shoulder to lean on for 8 years and its hard to go from many texts and "love you" to nothing no hugs no kisses no ANYTHING. I feel ignored and she is not interested in me PERIOD.
I Don't know what to do at this point... should i be hoping and praying that marriage counseling will help? How can i not panic about her not being there? She refuses not to talk to this guy and does it in front of me even against our counselor advice . IS there anything i can do in the next few weeks to kind of regain her trust in therapy and trust in me... Has any one else had anything like this happen.... I know I'm not her SOULMATE but I'm still the love of her life as she put it... she says she cant have both.. I cant beg i can press i cant do much..Will we be able to over come trust issues?.. HELP please

Thanks for reading and you input-
 

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To start off we have been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have two kids 3&4 and have been happily married. We never fight and put all of our effort into raising our kids... unfortunately we have kind of disconnected somewhat during all of this. We both work opposite shifts so one of us is always home to take care of kids and we have the weekends off to enjoy the family. Well as of 4 months ago my Wife met her Soulmate with out doing anything. She told me from day one that she has a special connection with him as if it were her twin soul.... i Was worried from day one but she assured me that they were just friends and that what we had would never be over come by them. I asked her not to see him and she agreed but came to agree that they were ok to text and email each other about the club we were in where they met. I frequently checked in with her on him and she told me the truth in everything going on... this guy also married.. his wife dint find it too fond of my wife and him talking PERIOD.. SO they continued to talk and talk in secret behind both of our backs... then finally I caught the two of them out at a bar one night... i was Devastated. its is a full on EMOTIONAL AFFAIR .. She had indeed lied to me many times about what was going on but assured me everything was ok. finally that night she admitted to me that she was in love with him and actually has thoughts of leaving me for him... I Did not handle this so well and pushed and pushed with questions and begging to figure out what is going on. This indeed pushed her away and she did admit how embarrassed she is and guilty for lying. she then tries to turn the tables on me with the little stuff i have done in our relationship that has broken her trust and respect.... so now we are and worlds ends from each other. She told me out rite that this guy is indeed her soulmate and believes they are meant to be with each other. She knows the path of destruction that will happen if she does go this route... the kids are at risk. She says even if she doesn't end up With this guy whom in her eye is "perfect" she now sees that our marriage has become planned and predictable and that we have become not as connected as them... her heart inst with me right now and she thinks that we have grown different. She does tell me she loves me and she can live 30 years happy with me however she does not think that is the best thing for HER.She wants to do whats best for her. She knows that if she stays with me that she will still have feelings for this guy no matter what and that would not make her the happiest she can be.

We have agreed to go to Marriage counseling and have gone once together then one single session for me and She goes this Friday.
She thinks its useless cause she wants whats best for her. I keep over perusing her and keep asking what she wants and what i don't give her etc. and she can not answer any of these. She has Asked for space and not to bother her and even considered moving into her moms house. there was a point where she gave her rings back to me to when i convinced her that we need counseling.

So where we stand now - She Doesn't want to talk to me about whats going on, she needs space however we live together.. She has been my shoulder to lean on for 8 years and its hard to go from many texts and "love you" to nothing no hugs no kisses no ANYTHING. I feel ignored and she is not interested in me PERIOD.
I Don't know what to do at this point... should i be hoping and praying that marriage counseling will help? How can i not panic about her not being there? She refuses not to talk to this guy and does it in front of me even against our counselor advice . IS there anything i can do in the next few weeks to kind of regain her trust in therapy and trust in me... Has any one else had anything like this happen.... I know I'm not her SOULMATE but I'm still the love of her life as she put it... she says she cant have both.. I cant beg i can press i cant do much..Will we be able to over come trust issues?.. HELP please

Thanks for reading and you input-
Have the divorce paperwork started.

Stop asking her for anything.
 

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she is in a 'fog' of infatuation that has nothing to do with real love. in fact, by her actions she is showing that she does not understand what true love is.

true love has the fortitude and wisdom to stick with your vows until your partner breaks their own vows with either infidelity or serious abuse.
true love sticks it out with the father of her children and her kids.

true wisdom can see that infatuation comes and goes. feelings are fickle and come and go.

as one poster said recently, wait till she wakes up next to him with bad breath in the morning, see's (really sees) his faults, his bad habits, his nasty side (and we all have some), all his warts, and imperfections. you don't really know someone until you spend years with them. 'soulmate'? what a joke.

wait till the 'fog' clears and she realizes what a fool she's been. but it'll be too late.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I understand all of this and assure her that i am not going nowhere. SHe looks at this guy as being a "good guy" because he cheats on his wife for her.
She thinks all his shortcomings are probably better than mine for some reason.....He is her SOULMATE no way he could harm her!?.
 

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You have to go see a lawyer to protect your rights to the assets and more importantly the kids. You're their father and have to put them first.

Find out about D in your state from the attorney - fault/nofault, waiting period, etc

Even though you want to save the marriage you can not do it alone.

When your S is focused on someone else there is very little you can do. You can not reason, you can not nice them back. You might be able to get their attention but I doubt it.

You should also think about yourself - just like she is. You should not accept being plan B.

That's why you should prepare to file and protect the kids
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I hope it doesn't come to that... I know we would separate before that but she does know that what we do have is great and has told me that she does not see herself ending up with this guy... although she thinks they are meant to be. She needs space now and i want to give it to her but i also wanna work on mending us... how can i do such a thing when we don't talk? wait till she comes around if she comes around ever? or give her her space until counseling comes in affect?
 

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I understand all of this and assure her that i am not going nowhere. SHe looks at this guy as being a "good guy" because he cheats on his wife for her.
She thinks all his shortcomings are probably better than mine for some reason.....He is her SOULMATE no way he could harm her!?.
For the love of all that is holy on this earth....

Stop assuring her that you will be there for her.

This isn't helping you or her...it's doing the total opposite.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I am just a Ghost at home to her now... I have said my Peace... Till she is ready to talk or make moves on me... im just going about daily life taking care of kids and chores... but when i see her both her and i have that elephant in the room look... its quite odd...
 

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I am just a Ghost at home to her now... I have said my Peace... Till she is ready to talk or make moves on me... im just going about daily life taking care of kids and chores... but when i see her both her and i have that elephant in the room look... its quite odd...

This is all you can do....HOWEVER...there is no way ion hell you should be taking on any more of the chores than you did prior to her wayward activities.

Take care of your children and you. By keeping yourself together with your head held high -you run the highest probability of her fog breaking.

Read the 180 and OWN IT
 
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To her you are a babysitter and house setter while she goes out and samples your replacement.

Separation means she fvcks other guys while you stay and take care of things.

These are weak and unattractive qualifies.

You don't have to be a jerk to be strong. Just don't accept what scraps she provides. Make your own independent decision and do it. If you are decisive and don't accept her waffling there is a chance she will come back to your strength.

She definitely won't come back to your weakness.

Hide the ghost stuff - be outwardly strong, calm, content and fun with the kids. Tell her you don't accept infidelity in your marriage and if she wants to explore other guys to replace you do if on her own time and not as your wife
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Is there anything in particular to be outwardly strong? i mean how do i show it?
I already told her i dont accept her doing what she is doing and she has to stop if she wants us to work... she seems to be pushing me to end us so she can do what ever she wants...

What i Want is her to cut this guy and work on over coming our trust issues and growing closer... How to i Do that if she is in la la land still?

I need to show that im not weak.... what shows that..?
 

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Is there anything in particular to be outwardly strong? i mean how do i show it?
I already told her i dont accept her doing what she is doing and she has to stop if she wants us to work... she seems to be pushing me to end us so she can do what ever she wants...

What i Want is her to cut this guy and work on over coming our trust issues and growing closer... How to i Do that if she is in la la land still?

I need to show that im not weak.... what shows that..?
Full exposure, his/her friends, family, work, 180 immediately.

If you are weak and timid here you lose.

You cannot nice her back. You just come across as weaker

I'd file immediately. You don't have to go through with it but it says, I'm not affraid!!! If it doesn't turn around you're ahead of the game. You have nothing to lose. She's rubbing it into your face.
 

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The answer you want is how to get her back. Your tendency is to wait until you can figure out how to do that.

This is a very common viewpoint and mistake.

The truth is you can't change anyone, you can't make anyone NOT love someone else, you can't make anyone love you.

It sucks but the sooner you recognize this, the sooner you are able to take back control of your life.

Sometimes a decisive spouse - particularly one who was previously nice, nurturing, meek even - can shake up a wayward and jolt them into seeing what they are about to lose.

That's about the only way to possibly cause change in someone else.

She expects you to sit by while she makes up her mind. If you act quickly she might be surprised. She might not. But you will be in your way to taking care of yourself and your kids

At a minimum meet with a lawyer tomorrow.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Now would i be jumping on this too soon.? She Has agreed to do marriage counseling with me. She Does know she has to cut this guy if she wants us to work. Our councilor said it would be around 5-7 weeks before we can expect to see some growth. so far we went once together and i did my individual week and hers is this Friday. Her Affair is still working on his marriage and actually encourages her to stay calm and not to make any rash life decisions biased on himself.

My wife says in an Ideal world we could do the Counseling and if we could over come our trust issues she would like to grow our relationship to a higher level.

She is half in half out all the time.. very confused... I'm afraid if i do something like that, it would push her away before she truly see what is going on and not come back to me.

As she says her head says stay she just has to convince her heart that we could connect again... I hope talking it out will help... i cant force her to talk at this point.
 
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