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Hello everyone, I am new here. :confused:

I have been married to my husband for 16 years and we have 4 boys together ages 7, 9, 12 and 14.

We were very happy for the first 10 or 11 years of our marriage.
What happened? We started having financial problems really bad, my husband became depressed and angry and I developed Panic and Anxiety Disorder. :scratchhead:

He was doing really well in his investments and wanted to keep buying and turning houses but I became concerned about continuing to increase our debt. I wanted to sell and just use the money to pay some of the debt off but her did not want to have to pay taxes on our gains so he decided to keep buying.
The market collapsed. His business went bad. I had to go to work but I had little experience working. I tried to keep going to school with the hopes of graduating and making more money. I few time I had to quit to help with bills and ended working at convention shows as a trade show model.

There were times when he would get really angry and yell at me, the kids, even break the doors, threatened to kill me once. We would fight because he wold work with clients that I felt had no intention of paying him because they would not sign contracts with him. I felt I had to say something because I saw us getting deeper into debt but he would get angry if I said anything. :(

Over time I stopped making objections.
This situation went on for about 6 years. At one point he begun encouraging me to talk to, be friendly to rich guys to see if I could bring money home from them. I suffered with Panic Disorder and Anxiety so bad that I ended up being Hospitalized with severe depression for 10 days. :(

I ended up wanting so bad out of my marriage but I couldn't leave because I did not want to hurt my kids. He was now happier, I did not object to anything, I agreed to pretty much everything because I did not want confrontation anymore.
He acted happy but still had days when he pushed me away, on one occasion he said that I should leave him and marry some rick guy who was interested in supposedly taking care of me.

I ended up having an affair with a man I met on one of events I worked. I confessed to my husband right away because I felt so guilty. This was not a man he had encouraged me to go out with. :eek:

He decided to forgive me but still says things such as "you tricked me for 16 years making me think you would never cheat". My Panic Attacks are now returning. :scratchhead:

I feel guilty and that what I did was wrong and I want to work on my marriage but at the same time I feel angry because I feel that he is accusing me when I was in a desperate position. I felt like he pushed me to the front lines and to go around some of these scary guys so I could bring money, almost like being pimped out. I never had sex with any of those men but he would text me saying "get cozy" while I was out and about with this rich old guy. :mad:

I just want to cry. I don't know what to do. :(
He has apologized but continues to tell me sometimes that he felt things in our marriage were getting better when I cheated.
Maybe he was feeling better but I wasn't!!!! :mad:
 
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