[hehasmyheart]

So, I'm curious to know, from all the happily married people, if your parents gave you the needed tools? In other words, did you learn how to have a good marriage from it being role modeled while you were growing up?

 

[Juicer]

Let's see here...

Dad cheated when I was in 5-6 grade. Mom got suspcious, and caught him. He apologized, and did a fake R for until I was in 7th grade.
Then got caught in a second affair, and mom divorced him.
And I got zero love and support from either of them.
Then dad married again when I was 19. And pulled me into that. And I could tell it was just two old people that don't want to live alone. So...

Yea. I got a template of exactly what NOT to do for my marriage to work.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

So, I'm curious to know, from all the happily married people, if your parents gave you the needed tools? In other words, did you learn how to have a good marriage from it being role modeled while you were growing up?

Juicer said: Yea. I got a template of exactly what NOT to do for my marriage to work.

My parents did it all wrong....they married too young, he was lustful & couldn't contain himself, she was niave & went along, her Mom getting on her about having sex or ready too -even though she longed for furthering her education....got pregnant with me almost immediately (had me when she was 18)...... being the SAHM was never something my mother wanted, it didn't FIT her, fulfull her, although I DO have great memories of her being a loving Mom in those younger years, I was her pride & Joy ~ she was my best friend.

But she was not exactly the Hopeless Romantic type...wasn't all that into my dad...But he was. He needed more from her... It caused alot of fights, I remember them. Compatibilty was pathetic for the 2 of them, a train wreck, somehow it managed to last 10 yrs.

I learned from her mistakes how not to live...But to seek my own dreams - not go along with someone else's when your

is not into it. Just so happens my dreams were the stark opposite of my Mothers, I wanted the whole old fashioned role of wife & Mother, barefoot & pregnant, living down on the farm...cooking & managing a household ~ this was MY dream.

My father did go on to marry her Best friend (what a web we weave).... funny how her husband tried to go after my Mom then -but she didn't want him either.

They had a Great marraige, very close, so compatible in every way .... rarely faught.... even though I didn't care for her too much...She was rough on me when I lived there. But now I thank God for her, she's the best thing that ever happened to my Father.


I had other examples growing up also, the "love story" my Grandmother shared about my Grandfather & her... these left a beautiful impression on me at a young age, allowed me to dream & believe for my own happiness someday, that such Romance exists in this life....

She got to know my husband before she passed away.....she told me he reminded her of my grandfather... I knew I had the right man.

 

[anotherguy]

So, I'm curious to know, from all the happily married people, if your parents gave you the needed tools? In other words, did you learn how to have a good marriage from it being role modeled while you were growing up?

That is a good question.

My parents were marred for 50+ years, up until my dad died.

To answer your question, I sort of feel like my parents thought divorce was simply not an option. They had some very challenging stretches of time... like sleeping in separate rooms for a few years, some very serious personalty conflicts and more. But in the end - they were very, very devoted to each other - and being married for that long was no small part of it.

So even though they had what must be considered a successful marriage, I can only describe it as somewhat disfunctional t times. Nevertheless - as kids - we ALWAYS knew that mom and dad both were entirely dedicated to raising a family as best they could. I can also see that really.. when it started getting easier for them... which took 30 years or more maybe... was when thay stopped resisting, stopped fighting, started accepting, the other person as they were. The little personality traits (faults) that were originally the causes of major fallouts eventually became simply little accepted portions of the person. We all are imperfect.

---

I think looking for rules and tips and guidelines and 'how to have a good marriage' and what sort of person to look for in a marriage is, perhaps, a waste of time to be blunt. People can expend tremendous amounts of energy finding someone 'compatable', yet still wind up unhappy. Others that seem like opposite eggs wind up being unusually happy. All you can do is your best - there are no guarantees. But like I said - learning to accept, fully and without reservation, the other person - might be one of the biggies. In that sense - having a successful marriage, to me.. starts with yourself.

 

[Jellybeans]

My parents are still together and married and have a great relationship.

I am divorced.

I have often wondered WHAT in the world we did so wrong (my ex and I) if both sets of our parents are both still happily married. It makes me feel we were the odd ones out.



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[kipani]

My parents have been together for 32 years. They do everything together and still love each other deeply. In the start of their relationship my dad slept with her best friend and she slept with his brother. They were teenagers. It hasn't happened since.
They dance together still, even if there's no music so it's turned me into a bit of a romantic. To this day he tells her how pretty she is on a daily basis.

I've seen what makes him insecure and recently I've seen her insecure. Some chick has been pawing at my dad lately and he told her flat out "This is what I have at home, why would I even consider you?"

Chick keeps pursuing him though. My mom gets so angry. It's adorable because he used to be so jealous he'd park outside of her workplace when she got off just to make sure there were no men hahaha!

Gosh I love them, they're so ridiculous sometimes though!

But watching my parents interact played a huuuuuuge role in how I am in my relationship today.

I compliment my boyfriend on a daily basis. I tell him I love him several times a day. I make him dinner, make sure he has quiet time from the kids. I let him do his game thing. I don't allow him to befriend other girls and I don't befriend other guys (But this is due to recent developments).

I take care of the kids usually by myself, but when I am tired I don't even have to say anything and he'll help. This is new and learned for him. Before he'd just let them do whatever.

 

[romantic_guy]

My dad was married 3 times, my mom twice, my wife's dad 4 times and her mom 4 times. Although my grandparents never divorced, I remember them arguing a lot. I never saw any love and affection from my parents and they also fought all of the time. Neither one of us had any positive roll models. It is amazing that we have lasted 40 years especially since she got pregnant at 16 and we got married. We have more than survived, our marriage is awesome. She is my best friend and we have a great love life.

 

[Anonymous07]

I don't think it is necessary to have relationship role models, but it does definitely help, in my opinion. My parents have been happily married for 30 years and my husband's parents have been happily married for 35 years. We have both learned a lot from watching their marriages, in how to act and treat one another, even though it is a work in progress for us.

 

[MrsKy]

My parents have been married for 38 unhappy years. My mother was emotionally abusive, narcissistic and a prude. My father was emasculated and timid, so they matched in that respect. Their marriage is very traditional and I know my mom resented doing all the housework and child rearing.

Watching the two of them taught me what NOT to do. I credit my husband with patiently teaching me to discard the warped ideas I was raised with.

 

[jaquen]

Yes and no.

My parents were night and day. He was a vicarious, larger than life, dynamic, deeply flawed man; my mom was the sweet, strong, reserved, salt of the earth type. They both shared a mutual, authentic love for the Lord (my father use to be a pretty powerful evangelist and my mom met him at 20 when he did an impromptu revival at her church after coming in straight off the street). But my dad also had very strong worldly streak, and some persistent demons to wrestle. He was a drinker, a gambler, and for a long time a womanizer. He was married two times before my mom, and had countless other affairs and girlfriends across his life. He was a mass of incredible contradictions. My mom rarely drank, and when she did it was wine, never did drugs, didn't smoke, or cuss. They were night and day.

They had a very strange, unorthodox marriage. They were married for close to 30 years, but were friends for years before they got together, and eventually wed. My mom worshipped my dad. She saw all his flaws, but loved him anyway. He hurt her. He had a sharp tongue, and could say hurtful things in one instant, but the next second treat you like nothing happened. His gambling cost her, and us, a lot, financially and emotionally. He cheated, and on more than one occasion. They separated about ten years into the marriage. But here is the strange thing; they never divorced, remained best friends, and were still clearly very much in love. It was a very "us against the world" type situation. All they had, truly had, on the deepest levels, were one another and God. They were two people in love who lived apart, loved, and didn't even consider divorce.

Then my dad moved back home and they reunited after 17 years of separation and living apart. They both were like teenagers again. My mom said it was the happiest time of their entire marriage. She respected this man, deeply. Even when he hurt her, she never bad mouthed him, and she was ecstatic to have him home. She wasn't blind to his ways, she just loved him as a person, through and through. He was joyed to be back with his wife, and the three kids they had together (my dad has many other children, and was married twice before my mom), even though we were all pretty much grown. It's like, on some level, his life stopped after the separation and he was waiting for this huge family reunion. He stepped back into the house as though life was suppose to pick up again from the late 80's, when we were all kids. It was on one hand very endearing, and on the other hand jarring. I am the only one of my mom's kids who remembers the being together when I was a very young kid, and I was also the one who always had a deep knowing that they would reunite. Seeing them together was a joy for me in a way that it was not for my younger brother and sister. For me it was a strong affirmation about the power of love.

My dad had some health issues by this point, and my mom took care of him. They were very happy.

It lasted three years, before my dad passed from a stroke. It broke my mother. Soon after she ran into her own health issues. She passed on two years ago, five years after her husband died. Both were only in their 60's. The losses were huge, and surprising, because longevity runs in both of their families. My mother never really recovered from my father's passing. I know she longed and ached for him every single day. It was like the light went out and she was stumbling around in the dark.

I learned a lot from my parent's marriage, both the ugly, and the exquisite. I've never cheated on my wife, or any woman. I don't want to put anyone through what my father put my mother, and other women, through.

It also gave me the double edged sword of knowing how to love from a distance. My wife and I spent a lot of our pre-married life in a long distance relationship. I was able to endure that, and easier than her, because I grew up seeing two people connected, but separated. Actually getting married, living the day to day life of love, was a HUGE transition for me. The only time I'd seen that was as a little boy, and for a few years in my early 20's.

I make sure I fight to not take my wife too much for granted. I stay in prayer about how thankful I am for her, and us. I try and let her know often that I love and cherish her. I don't want to take her for granted the way I know my father sometimes did my mom.

I didn't pick up most of my dad's vices, likely because I was primarily raised by my mother, but I do have his tongue. I have to be careful with that in my marriage.

My dad, despite his flaws, was always loved by my mother, and respected by her. I did pick that up from him and them. I expect to be loved, I expected to be desired, I expect to be respected by my wife, even when I don't feel I necessarily have deserved that. It's a flaw, but my wife does with me exactly what my mom did with my father.

My dad was a fiercely independent person, and I admit to inheriting that as well. He could not be controlled, or "tamed". I'm nowhere near the wild child he was, but I am extremely resistant to feeling shackled, boxed in, manipulated, or controlled. My wife comments regularly on this fact, and she knows I am extremely off put by attempts to pull this off. So we both give one another very wide births, and our marriage is better for it.

In some ways I did marry my mom. My mom was an extraordinary woman. She loved hard, loved deeply, was always self sacrificing, giving, generous, and nonjudgmental; she was the best mother, and a far better wife than my father had the right to expect, or deserved. My wife is a lot like her, but even sweeter, even kinder, more emotional, and she loves me so, so deeply. I can say that she does love me with the singularity that I feel hallmarked how my mom loved my dad.

But the most important thing my parents taught me is that love wins out. These two people faced the kinds of odds, mistakes, hurt, pain, and crushing blunders that would tear even the strongest marriages apart. But they kept on loving, kept on connecting, despite it all. They stayed in love, until the very end. There is something incredibly powerful in that.

So in some ways my parents' marriage was an inspiration, and in some ways a cautionary tale. I do know that each generation is getting better and better though. For all the strange, often heartbreaking, idiosyncrasies in my mom and dad's marriage, they were FAR better than the marriages that came before them, by massive leaps and bounds. And now, in my relationship before marriage, and now a few years into marriage, I am improving so far on their marriage (and my wife is definitely living a richer married life than her parents do).

For that I know my parents would be proud, and very happy.

 

[Moiraine]

I'm happily married for almost 13 years. We've had our ups and downs in our relationship. We feel more in love over the years than when we first married. I definitely did not learn this from my parent's marriage.

My dad cheated on my mom with multiple women. In fact he goes back to his home country every year to this day and cheats on her. He's emotionally abusive, manipulative, belittles her in front of my little sister, and has angry outbursts. My mom works full time, cleans, cooks, and works on their vegetable garden. She makes a lot more money than he does. He not only is not appreciative, he also abuses her and belittles her work and effort.

I feel angry every time I think about their marriage. I talked to my mom a lot about this abuse, but she doesn't see any other future other than being with him