Sorry if this sounds more like a blog post, but anyway..
I met my husband, my high school sweetheart, when I was 16 and we started dating shortly after. When we were 20 we moved into our first house together, the following year our first child was born and the year after that we were married, with our second child born two years later. We had a very busy couple of years!
Now if you had of told me 10 years ago, or even 2 years ago, that I'd be writing this, I'd have called you crazy. But slowly over the last few years something in me has changed. My needs have changed. My wants have changed. And suddenly all the things I wanted in life don't seem like enough.
Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my children, I wouldn't change them for anything. To get married and have kids was all I ever wanted, all I ever wished for. I'm incredibly grateful and feel very blessed every single day to have them.
But...
I can't help but wonder, not about how my life would be different had I not gotten married young but I wonder and I'm curious about the experiences that I missed. By the time I was old enough to drink legally, we'd already been in a relationship for 2 years, one that I considered pretty serious. While I enjoyed a few nights out with friends, drinking and dancing, it wasn't something that I was really into. At the time, I never felt like I was missing out on that lifestyle and truly never thought I would. I was on the track to having the big things in life that I wanted and I couldn't be happier.
For as long as I can remember, all I wanted to be was a mum and at the time, that was enough for me. Had you asked what I wanted to do career wise, I would have replied with "to be a mum." Sure I had hobbies but I just thought being a mum to small children would last forever and that was more then okay with me.
When our first child was born, I managed relatively well. There were definitely hard days though in hindsight, those "hard days" were a walk in the park now that I have two children. When my second came along, I eventually felt different. It began slowly and not enough for anyone else to notice, but I did. My hormones changed. My moods changed. I was snappy and stressed, my patience wore thin and eventually it became non existent. I longed for a break. I fell into bad habits, I gained weight and somewhat stopped putting effort into my appearance and myself. Everything I did became about my children. I existed to be a mother.
Again, I don't regret my decisions but somewhere along the way I lost me. I lost who I was. I eventually lost some weight and started to feel like the old me again, I went from someone who had no interest in going out with friends, to someone who craved some freedom. I wanted to go out and I wanted to go out drinking and dancing. I wanted to have fun. Fun for myself, to let loose and for one night not stress about my children and their futures and things that were wrong. I realised that my life matters and that I can be a good mother but also that there was more to my life. I didn't have to JUST be a mum. I was allowed to do things for myself as well.
So I did. It wasn't often but when I had the opportunity, I went out with my new found confidence and I had some fun.
After a while, I started to notice the desire I had for attention. To be noticed. To be chased. I'd never experienced this in high school before meeting my now husband and obviously never got to experience this during my early 20s, or now. But I craved it. I wanted to be sought out in a crowd, I wanted to feel the lusty feeling, I wanted to talk to someone over loud music, as much as one can anyway and get to know the basic things about them. I wanted to flirt and be flirted with. I wanted someone to touch my hips for the first time. I wanted to dance with someone, dirty dance. I wanted those firsts again. It wasn't about sex, I had no interest in that with anyone else but my husband. But I did want to kiss them. I wanted to feel a sexual attraction to someone, I wanted a stranger to want to kiss me. I just wanted a one off, random hook up with an attractive man I'd just met who had a desire to want to kiss me back.
I never wanted to be a cheater and I still don't want to be that person. I don't want to give in to temptation and hurt my husband like that and be ridden with guilt for the rest of my life. But I wanted something, not just for me but for him too. I know there are things I can't do for him, needs that I don't meet and I have to wonder if he feels like he's missed out on anything too. I hope there is because I don't know if that makes me a bad person if it's all just one sided. What I realised I wanted was a hall pass, not for sex, just to kiss someone else. I wanted it to be mutual, agreed on, something we were both absolutely okay with. I wouldn't want to know what he decided to do with his night of freedom, I just wanted to set some ground rules and that be it. One night, no guilt. To experience what we missed.
But how do you even bring such a thing up. How do you tell your husband this without hurting their feelings. And what if he doesn't feel the same? Where does that leave things. I know his views on cheating and I know it's not a thing he would tolerate and I fear that my asking would not end well. But I also know that I'll only be young for so long and right now I'm upset for what I've missed out on. And I wholeheartedly worry about how this will effect me in 10 or 20 years time. I don't want to ever hold resentment but I also fear it's possible.
So my question is, is this something you and your partner would ever consider? And if it's something you've done, how on earth do you bring it up with them. I really feel like this is affecting me, I just can't get it off my mind...
I met my husband, my high school sweetheart, when I was 16 and we started dating shortly after. When we were 20 we moved into our first house together, the following year our first child was born and the year after that we were married, with our second child born two years later. We had a very busy couple of years!
Now if you had of told me 10 years ago, or even 2 years ago, that I'd be writing this, I'd have called you crazy. But slowly over the last few years something in me has changed. My needs have changed. My wants have changed. And suddenly all the things I wanted in life don't seem like enough.
Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my children, I wouldn't change them for anything. To get married and have kids was all I ever wanted, all I ever wished for. I'm incredibly grateful and feel very blessed every single day to have them.
But...
I can't help but wonder, not about how my life would be different had I not gotten married young but I wonder and I'm curious about the experiences that I missed. By the time I was old enough to drink legally, we'd already been in a relationship for 2 years, one that I considered pretty serious. While I enjoyed a few nights out with friends, drinking and dancing, it wasn't something that I was really into. At the time, I never felt like I was missing out on that lifestyle and truly never thought I would. I was on the track to having the big things in life that I wanted and I couldn't be happier.
For as long as I can remember, all I wanted to be was a mum and at the time, that was enough for me. Had you asked what I wanted to do career wise, I would have replied with "to be a mum." Sure I had hobbies but I just thought being a mum to small children would last forever and that was more then okay with me.
When our first child was born, I managed relatively well. There were definitely hard days though in hindsight, those "hard days" were a walk in the park now that I have two children. When my second came along, I eventually felt different. It began slowly and not enough for anyone else to notice, but I did. My hormones changed. My moods changed. I was snappy and stressed, my patience wore thin and eventually it became non existent. I longed for a break. I fell into bad habits, I gained weight and somewhat stopped putting effort into my appearance and myself. Everything I did became about my children. I existed to be a mother.
Again, I don't regret my decisions but somewhere along the way I lost me. I lost who I was. I eventually lost some weight and started to feel like the old me again, I went from someone who had no interest in going out with friends, to someone who craved some freedom. I wanted to go out and I wanted to go out drinking and dancing. I wanted to have fun. Fun for myself, to let loose and for one night not stress about my children and their futures and things that were wrong. I realised that my life matters and that I can be a good mother but also that there was more to my life. I didn't have to JUST be a mum. I was allowed to do things for myself as well.
So I did. It wasn't often but when I had the opportunity, I went out with my new found confidence and I had some fun.
After a while, I started to notice the desire I had for attention. To be noticed. To be chased. I'd never experienced this in high school before meeting my now husband and obviously never got to experience this during my early 20s, or now. But I craved it. I wanted to be sought out in a crowd, I wanted to feel the lusty feeling, I wanted to talk to someone over loud music, as much as one can anyway and get to know the basic things about them. I wanted to flirt and be flirted with. I wanted someone to touch my hips for the first time. I wanted to dance with someone, dirty dance. I wanted those firsts again. It wasn't about sex, I had no interest in that with anyone else but my husband. But I did want to kiss them. I wanted to feel a sexual attraction to someone, I wanted a stranger to want to kiss me. I just wanted a one off, random hook up with an attractive man I'd just met who had a desire to want to kiss me back.
I never wanted to be a cheater and I still don't want to be that person. I don't want to give in to temptation and hurt my husband like that and be ridden with guilt for the rest of my life. But I wanted something, not just for me but for him too. I know there are things I can't do for him, needs that I don't meet and I have to wonder if he feels like he's missed out on anything too. I hope there is because I don't know if that makes me a bad person if it's all just one sided. What I realised I wanted was a hall pass, not for sex, just to kiss someone else. I wanted it to be mutual, agreed on, something we were both absolutely okay with. I wouldn't want to know what he decided to do with his night of freedom, I just wanted to set some ground rules and that be it. One night, no guilt. To experience what we missed.
But how do you even bring such a thing up. How do you tell your husband this without hurting their feelings. And what if he doesn't feel the same? Where does that leave things. I know his views on cheating and I know it's not a thing he would tolerate and I fear that my asking would not end well. But I also know that I'll only be young for so long and right now I'm upset for what I've missed out on. And I wholeheartedly worry about how this will effect me in 10 or 20 years time. I don't want to ever hold resentment but I also fear it's possible.
So my question is, is this something you and your partner would ever consider? And if it's something you've done, how on earth do you bring it up with them. I really feel like this is affecting me, I just can't get it off my mind...
