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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok so my husband told me recently that he has lost a spark for me and gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. He says that he doesn't feel a desire or spark for me. We are working on things. The confusing thing is ever since he told me how he felt our sex has been great. He is very passionate and the frequency has increased. When I asked him about it he said that he would think about other women and direct the passion towards me. I can believe that to a point, but it has been going on for a month and a half now. He makes eye contact with me and caresses my face and body. I want to know from the guys out there, is it likely that he isn't feeling any desire for me? Can men really fake passion like that? Or is he still feeling a little something for me?
 

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Ok so my husband told me recently that he has lost a spark for me and gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. He says that he doesn't feel a desire or spark for me.

When I asked him about it he said that he would think about other women and direct the passion towards me.
Why are you still sleeping with him if he is doing all of this?

I don't get how you can open yourself up to him that way when he says he feels no passion for you, has to think of other women and that he loves you but isn't in love with you. I would be completely turned off.



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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Because I love him and want our marriage to work. He says he's trying to get desire back for me. There are other things going on as we'll, I just wanted to know if other men thought it was possible to fake passion completely if you feel no desire for the woman you are with.
 

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This is a damn good question...The answer is yes and no depending on which man you talk to. He could be practicing with you for 'game day.' You're Monday through Saturday and the big day's Sunday. Or he's actually attempting to try to rekindle the spark. I'm leaning towards game day based on what you mentioned he said directly to you about other desires.
"Why are you still sleeping with him if he is doing all of this?

I don't get how you can open yourself up to him that way when he says he feels no passion for you, has to think of other women and that he loves you but isn't in love with you. I would be completely turned off." This person has a great observation. Work the relationship out or find his true intentions by not having sex, but talking things through before you get really hurt hard.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Some background information. I suffered depression after our youngest was born and wasn't the most supportive wife. I was sad most of the time and just didn't enjoy life. I did the bare minimum while my husband worked very hard. It's went on for 3 years. He says he feels that his love was just chipped away during that time and he's not sure how to get it back. He recently turned 39 and he lost a very good friend to suicide. He said that made him look at his life and wonder if he wants to spend the other half of it unhappy. I came out of my depression a couple of weeks before he told me all of this. I feel wonderful. So much more energy. I've lost 25 lbs and am taking much better care of myself. His eyes started wandering and he has started flirting but has said he will stop to try and make it work with me
 

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It's not unusual for guys to lose their minds a little around age 40. Having his friend commit suicide would have predictably added to his feeling that Death was breathing down his neck. I don't pay a whole lot of attention to what people say but I keenly pay attention to what they do. That's where you find the truth. He faithfully comes home and probably has for several years. He's having great sex with the woman he married. His fault might be that he can sometimes have diarrhea of the mouth and he might have a tendency to be more honest than prudence would permit. I guarantee even men who have been married 50+ years have looked at other women and their wives have probably looked at other men. They don't reach their golden anniversary because they're perfect or because their relationships never had problems. They get there because they are both too stubborn or committed to quit. If you've got a temporary wrinkle in the marriage, I bet you both can weather it or work it out. I wouldn't panic and I wouldn't make more of it than it actually is. There are probably occasions where he doesn't blow your skirt up, either. Emotions rise and fall and are affected by brain chemistry, the weather, work, current events, etc, etc. His alleged lack of passion may not have a thing to do with you. Whatever it is, it isn't severe enough to prevent him from rising to the occasion and take care of business. As long as my wife was riding me like a stolen mule, I wouldn't care if she fantasized about Mickey Mouse.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Deep down I think he wants it to work with me. The way I see it, why would he tell me all of these things if he didn't want to get things out in the open. He also has told me that he started talking to a much younger co-worker very casually about relationship issues she had and then he would say things like he understood. He says he's leaning towards a divorce, but he doesn't know. I really feel like he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. I'm going to be the best I can be for now and hope that he comes around. I'm certainly not going to pressure him at this point.
 

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Cris7 said: Some background information. I suffered depression after our youngest was born and wasn't the most supportive wife. I was sad most of the time and just didn't enjoy life. I did the bare minimum while my husband worked very hard. It's went on for 3 years. He says he feels that his love was just chipped away during that time and he's not sure how to get it back.

He recently turned 39 and he lost a very good friend to suicide. He said that made him look at his life and wonder if he wants to spend the other half of it unhappy. I came out of my depression a couple of weeks before he told me all of this. I feel wonderful. So much more energy. I've lost 25 lbs and am taking much better care of myself. His eyes started wandering and he has started flirting but has said he will stop to try and make it work with me.
Sounds to me like you are both trying... after both suffering things that would easily DESTROY a # of marriages ... definitely some resentment to climb out of here... I don't think I could personally survive a depressed spouse, It would drag me down into Hell itself.......I'd grow impatient and angry
...if I couldn't lift my lovers spirits.

In this way , I sympathize with your husband and how he HUNG ON during that time... 3 yrs would be a mountain of emotional draining to the even the happiest spouse coping. They would have to separate themselves & find Joy in other things.. I can so easily understand HOW his feelings were chipped away and love was lost in that...just saying.

I know we need to have compassion on the sufferer, but the spouses role is not an easy road by any means.

Then a friends suicide [email protected]#$%^ I agree with Unbelievable's words here >>
His fault might be that he can sometimes have diarrhea of the mouth and he might have a tendency to be more honest than prudence would permit.
Cris7 said :I've lost 25 lbs and am taking much better care of myself.
This will greatly boost your confidence ...which will shine before others...Hang on to THIS for dear life... this is your answer with your husband.. Both of you pulling yourself out of these holes of sadness, striving to BE the best you can be....give & love each other the best you can... let him see what he will be missing if he chooses to leave... Give him a run for his money... Step it up in the bedroom too while you are at it.... Get a book like this >>

Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man:

All that sex is greatly emotionally bonding & fulfilling to the spirit .... His saying this "but has said he will stop to try and make it work with me."... means his
is wanting to get back there ... Though it DOES sound like a MID LIFE CRISIS brewing ... How old is he??

I'd suggest a book like this - to help you both stir the dopamine in your relationship. ....Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse: Books

If he steps out on you... or you feel taken advantage of, and you want to win him back... most would advise doing " the 180"....but for now, that has not happened, you are just talking, he is being very honest with you. I think this is a good sign.... far too many husbands & wives step out on each other HIDING their true feelings...while such hiding & secrets FUEL their infidelities.
 

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I think it would be a mistake to just stand by and allow him to treat you this way.
He's chatting to a much younger co worker? An EA springs to mind.

When you stand by and do nothing he learns that he can say what he wants and is free to check on and out of the marriage and you will allow it and wait around.

You need some good boundaries ASAP. And to stop having sex with a man who isnt sure about you and who would be so cruel to you.
Either he focuses on you and what he is attracted to and goes to MC with you or you decide if you want to be with him.

Leaving everything in the hands of someone who behaves like he has and treats you do callously is not a good move IMO.
He's acting like a man who can do whatever he wants and has no empathy for his wife because she allows it.
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Because I love him and want our marriage to work. He says he's trying to get desire back for me. There are other things going on as we'll, I just wanted to know if other men thought it was possible to fake passion completely if you feel no desire for the woman you are with.
I think you are confusing sexual passion for romantic passion.

Men don't have to fake sexual passion. Men can get into a sexual frenzy without the "distraction" of romance. Yes, having sex with someone you love is great, but the "love" piece really isn't necessary for a guy.

So he isn't faking that part, he's just fulfilling a need.
 
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