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I don't really feel like I deserve your help, but I'm going to ask for it anyway.
I was on a business trip last week, and last Friday night, I ended up having a one-night stand. I made a series of bad decisions and, as a result of them, I ended up cheating on my wife.
I've been with my wife for 16 years, married 7. After years of trying, we finally had a child 14 months ago, and have a wonderful little boy. I've never been unfaithful before.
I know I have problems with money. Despite this, I've been in charge of money management in our family, mostly at my own insistance. I'm dealing with clients that are not paying their bills, and as a result, I'm feeling a lot of stress and fear about not being able to support my wife and little one. This year will be my first year as sole earner, and I'm deeply afraid I'll be unable to sufficiently answer the bell.
We're not going to go broke, and we're not poor, but I have been very scared that I'm going to come up short on this dream my wife and I have had of her staying off work at least until our boy is off to school.
Feeling this way on Friday led me to my first destructive behaviour of the day. On an impulse, and an urge to feel better about where I was at, I bought myself an iPad mini on its launch date. After playing it for a while, though, the sad realization that I'd done absolutely nothing to help my situation dawned on me, and I realized that I'd screwed up in buying the iPad.
Feeling very low about the whole thing, I went out for a drink. I sat down at the bar, and a woman sat down next to me. She's a couple of years older than me. We chatted for a while. She got a little bit flirty, which surprised me, because I'm horrible at flirting and always have been. My wife tries hard to flirt with me, but I'm pretty dismal at it.
Anyway, we had a couple of more drinks, and eventually, she invited me back to her room. I felt surprised that I agreed. I'm not sure if that's what's referred to around here as "the fog," but I remember being surprised that I agreed to her next few advances, which ended up with us in bed. Fortunately, a condom was used.
Partway through, I had trouble maintaining, and that caused a sweeping feeling of disgust, guilt, shame, and remorse at what I was doing. I got out of the situation as quickly as I could, with her yelling at me on my way out.
Ever since, I've been awash in those same feelings of disgust, guilt, shame and remorse. I can't believe how easily I found myself in this situation, which up until that very night, had been anathema to me. I'm crushed that I've made such bad choices that may ruin the lives of the two people I love the most -- my wife and our son -- and that it's going to very severely impact the lives of many more people about whom I care dearly -- my parents, my parents-in-law (who have become like parents to me), and my wife's siblings.
But mostly, it's my wife and our little one that I grieve for. I love them both with everything I have, and I can't believe how badly I've failed them as a husband and a father.
I'm shocked and sickened by what I've done. I know I have no excuses. I made a series of bad choices that led to this happening. I'm 100 per cent at fault for it happening.
It breaks my heart that as I'm writing this, my wife is out enjoying a night out pursuing a new hobby, and that my child is cheerfully handing me his toys to play with. It crushes me to think that I've potentially destroyed all this beyond repair.
I know I have to tell me wife. She deserves to know the true nature of this relationship, and she deserves to decide whether it's worth her effort to try to put the pieces back together after what I've done to her.
I also know I need to tell her because there could be STIs involved. Yes, a condom was used, and I'm confident it was used properly. But that doesn't provide 100 per cent protection against anything, and doesn't provide much protection things like herpes and HPV. She needs to know that I'm going to be in the dark about my sexual health for at least weeks, if not months, and there's no way I can face the risk -- however tiny it may be -- of something that I picked up from this to be passed on to her or to our little boy.
It's tempting to listen to the voice of the "Don't tell her, don't ruin everybody's lives for one night of indiscrection" and the "a real man would just swallow all the guilt himself and work hard on becoming a better husband and father without burdening her" crowd, but I know I can't do that.
So, I'm down to "how" and "when," which is where I need the help.
When is hard -- I'm heading out of town on another weeklong road trip (I travel a fair bit in my business) starting on Sunday. Ideally, I'd like to tell her as soon as possible. I think that's the most fair thing to do in this entirely unfair (to her) scenario.
Part of me wonders if telling her before going away for a week is a good idea. I suspect there's a good chance I'll be thrown out of the house for my indiscretion anyway, and part of me wonders if that week of forced distance would be helpful.
But the vast majority of me believes that's an incredibly stupid idea. I feel like I owe it to her to be around as much as I humanly can be during the hours/days/weeks after I break her heart -- assuming that is that she'll accept my presence.
I feel like I should be around, or at least readily available, to answer any and all questions, and to offer whatever support she'll allow me to offer. I want to be there to hold her, if she'll have it. At least, I want to be there to hold her when she'll have it.
I feel like I should be there, again if allowed, in those early hours/days/weeks to help take care of our little one.
I feel like I should be there, if allowed, to really see and feel the kind of pain I've caused, so I can really feel remorse for how I've made her feel, and not just for my own guilt.
Am I right that I should wait until I come back to do this?
And I'd be most welcoming to any advice on how to "best" tell this. I'm reading through Linda MacDonald's How to Help Your Spouse Heal e-book at present on the advice of a poster in another thread. Any other guidance or good materials to help me set myself up to be as supportive as I'm allowed to be?
Thanks for your time in reading this, and for all I've already learned on a subject I hoped to never have to learn about.
I know it's a longshot that she'll be willing to accept me after what I've done, but on the off chance that she is, I want to be in the best possible position to give it the best possible chance, knowing that means completely deconstructing what happened, why it happened, and how to never make it happen again.
I know I have to take 100 per cent blame, and reassure my wife at every turn that she did nothing wrong... that I made a series of bad choices once, that it's something I could never ever do again, and that I feel absolutely gutted that I've caused her this much pain and anger.
I know this has been long and rambling, and I thank you for reading. Please, I ask for any help you can offer me.
I was on a business trip last week, and last Friday night, I ended up having a one-night stand. I made a series of bad decisions and, as a result of them, I ended up cheating on my wife.
I've been with my wife for 16 years, married 7. After years of trying, we finally had a child 14 months ago, and have a wonderful little boy. I've never been unfaithful before.
I know I have problems with money. Despite this, I've been in charge of money management in our family, mostly at my own insistance. I'm dealing with clients that are not paying their bills, and as a result, I'm feeling a lot of stress and fear about not being able to support my wife and little one. This year will be my first year as sole earner, and I'm deeply afraid I'll be unable to sufficiently answer the bell.
We're not going to go broke, and we're not poor, but I have been very scared that I'm going to come up short on this dream my wife and I have had of her staying off work at least until our boy is off to school.
Feeling this way on Friday led me to my first destructive behaviour of the day. On an impulse, and an urge to feel better about where I was at, I bought myself an iPad mini on its launch date. After playing it for a while, though, the sad realization that I'd done absolutely nothing to help my situation dawned on me, and I realized that I'd screwed up in buying the iPad.
Feeling very low about the whole thing, I went out for a drink. I sat down at the bar, and a woman sat down next to me. She's a couple of years older than me. We chatted for a while. She got a little bit flirty, which surprised me, because I'm horrible at flirting and always have been. My wife tries hard to flirt with me, but I'm pretty dismal at it.
Anyway, we had a couple of more drinks, and eventually, she invited me back to her room. I felt surprised that I agreed. I'm not sure if that's what's referred to around here as "the fog," but I remember being surprised that I agreed to her next few advances, which ended up with us in bed. Fortunately, a condom was used.
Partway through, I had trouble maintaining, and that caused a sweeping feeling of disgust, guilt, shame, and remorse at what I was doing. I got out of the situation as quickly as I could, with her yelling at me on my way out.
Ever since, I've been awash in those same feelings of disgust, guilt, shame and remorse. I can't believe how easily I found myself in this situation, which up until that very night, had been anathema to me. I'm crushed that I've made such bad choices that may ruin the lives of the two people I love the most -- my wife and our son -- and that it's going to very severely impact the lives of many more people about whom I care dearly -- my parents, my parents-in-law (who have become like parents to me), and my wife's siblings.
But mostly, it's my wife and our little one that I grieve for. I love them both with everything I have, and I can't believe how badly I've failed them as a husband and a father.
I'm shocked and sickened by what I've done. I know I have no excuses. I made a series of bad choices that led to this happening. I'm 100 per cent at fault for it happening.
It breaks my heart that as I'm writing this, my wife is out enjoying a night out pursuing a new hobby, and that my child is cheerfully handing me his toys to play with. It crushes me to think that I've potentially destroyed all this beyond repair.
I know I have to tell me wife. She deserves to know the true nature of this relationship, and she deserves to decide whether it's worth her effort to try to put the pieces back together after what I've done to her.
I also know I need to tell her because there could be STIs involved. Yes, a condom was used, and I'm confident it was used properly. But that doesn't provide 100 per cent protection against anything, and doesn't provide much protection things like herpes and HPV. She needs to know that I'm going to be in the dark about my sexual health for at least weeks, if not months, and there's no way I can face the risk -- however tiny it may be -- of something that I picked up from this to be passed on to her or to our little boy.
It's tempting to listen to the voice of the "Don't tell her, don't ruin everybody's lives for one night of indiscrection" and the "a real man would just swallow all the guilt himself and work hard on becoming a better husband and father without burdening her" crowd, but I know I can't do that.
So, I'm down to "how" and "when," which is where I need the help.
When is hard -- I'm heading out of town on another weeklong road trip (I travel a fair bit in my business) starting on Sunday. Ideally, I'd like to tell her as soon as possible. I think that's the most fair thing to do in this entirely unfair (to her) scenario.
Part of me wonders if telling her before going away for a week is a good idea. I suspect there's a good chance I'll be thrown out of the house for my indiscretion anyway, and part of me wonders if that week of forced distance would be helpful.
But the vast majority of me believes that's an incredibly stupid idea. I feel like I owe it to her to be around as much as I humanly can be during the hours/days/weeks after I break her heart -- assuming that is that she'll accept my presence.
I feel like I should be around, or at least readily available, to answer any and all questions, and to offer whatever support she'll allow me to offer. I want to be there to hold her, if she'll have it. At least, I want to be there to hold her when she'll have it.
I feel like I should be there, again if allowed, in those early hours/days/weeks to help take care of our little one.
I feel like I should be there, if allowed, to really see and feel the kind of pain I've caused, so I can really feel remorse for how I've made her feel, and not just for my own guilt.
Am I right that I should wait until I come back to do this?
And I'd be most welcoming to any advice on how to "best" tell this. I'm reading through Linda MacDonald's How to Help Your Spouse Heal e-book at present on the advice of a poster in another thread. Any other guidance or good materials to help me set myself up to be as supportive as I'm allowed to be?
Thanks for your time in reading this, and for all I've already learned on a subject I hoped to never have to learn about.
I know it's a longshot that she'll be willing to accept me after what I've done, but on the off chance that she is, I want to be in the best possible position to give it the best possible chance, knowing that means completely deconstructing what happened, why it happened, and how to never make it happen again.
I know I have to take 100 per cent blame, and reassure my wife at every turn that she did nothing wrong... that I made a series of bad choices once, that it's something I could never ever do again, and that I feel absolutely gutted that I've caused her this much pain and anger.
I know this has been long and rambling, and I thank you for reading. Please, I ask for any help you can offer me.