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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
DDay Oct 12, 2012

My wife and I were married in 2001 and had our first child in 2006 and another in 2009. However, after the second child was born, I think she may have had some depression and an illness creep in around the time she went back to work. She being in healthcare, she had easy access to presciption opiates and stimulants. This is where she became addicted right under my nose.

This continued for two years... i thought it was caused by some unrelated illness she has. Then Feb of this year its off to the ER because she run out of pills. What a disturbing site the shaking and seizure like symptoms. However, I am still clueless. ER just gives her more pills.

She finally tells her family (DAD is a doctor) and she comes clean to me. Begs me not to leave her. Dad gets her thru the withdrawls and she begins seeing a counselor. Well...In my feeble little mind everything is fixed.

As you could imagine, someone on drugs for that long is not emotionally meeting my needs or her own for that matter. Here comes the depression. I swear my wife got to a point where everything in the world including me and the kids were depressing. It was like the drugs took her ability to be happy away. I just wait patiently for her to snap out of it.

September I discover the text messages and finally put 2 and 2 together that she is having an EA with online guy at drug rehab site. Oct 12 I discover they are to meet and tell her to stop and do the right thing for her kids sake. She leaves with toddler screaming "Don't go Mommy" ...and I go into shock!
 

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Sounds like abandonment so act occurdingly by packing her things up and either store them or bring them to her fathers. When she gets back tell her she is no longer welcome and make her face the consequences for walking away in the hopes it doesn't happen again. Once you can confirm that all contact has stopped with other man, then she can return home.

Sure it sounds over the top but isn't leaving her babies over the top? You can't nice your way out of this affair. It needs to be exposed and do the research on OM and if he has a family then expose the affair.

Start making this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable. Until OM is out of the picture the marriage is toast.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
She came back the following Sunday and I put her up in a hotel and she has since leased a new apartment. Went bought all new furniture, tvs, computer, bed and bunk beds for the kids. The posOM seems to be out of the picture as she told me it wasn't real. However, I quit spying when I read the 180. I have pretty much stuck to that since after the first week. Doesn't seem to get her attention though. I think she really is excited about bachelorette pad, no husband, no kids, no responsibility. At least I have my self respect right.
 

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I am sorry that you are here. You will find this forum to be very helpful during this time. A lot of us are going through very similar situations as you. Be prepared for a lot of advice that is going to be VERY counter intuitive to what you think you should do.

A few questions:

1. Did she move out, or are you both still living together?
2. Did you confront her about the text messages? I know you said you told her to stop.

To me, she went from one drug to the next. She was addicated to prescription medicine to now being addicted to the "high" that the affair brings.

I hate to say it, but you will be in for a long ride here. There is not much you can do.

Is this guy single? Married? Do you know him?

First thing is to start the 180. This is for you, not her.

Next, get evidence of the affair. Get a VAR, put it in her car. Check her phone, email, facebook, etc. Once you have enough evidence, expose the affair to everyone. Family, friends, coworkers, etc.

Read the following, as well.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html
 

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This is true. I've spoken privately to many members here and elsewhere, you'd be surprised how many turned things around by just letting go. However, most of them, it was when they TRULY let go. So you have to be serious with it.

Don't do it to get them back however, it's all about you. YOU!! You will not be able to handle this alone. Get books. Get some friends closer, stay on here for support. Get counseling if you can.

It's gonna be a long haul but we're here for you GP.
 

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She is going to be excited. She is acting like a teenager again. She gets to go out, have fun, no responsibilities. Of course, she will be happy. Let her go. You can not do anything to change her mind about this. Work on you and be the best father you can be. Your kids need at least one parent looking out for them. Let her go. She will see the grass is not greener.

There are a few things that I do when ever I talk to my stbxw. Make it a habit to think these things during each interaction.

1. Will what I am about to say/do push her away, bring her closer or be neutral?

If push her away, do not do it.

2. Be calm, cool and dispassionate.

You do not need her. Act like it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
She has moved out. I agree the affair was another way to get high. I do not know him personally but I do know his name. Put phone number in facebook and pop there he was. I have collected tons of evidence (drugs/PA) and have paid my retainer to the attorney. I have been on the 180 pretty much the whole time. Only a few slip-ups in the very beginning. Sharing a blanket at my sons football game cause it was cold....Barf!
 

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Drugs and a OM. I'm sure two went hand in hand. I think alcohol was partly to blame for the situation I'm in. Just try and do the 180, hold your head up high and be strong. How anyone can put themselves and 'feeling good' ahead of children is beyond me.
 

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She has moved out. I agree the affair was another way to get high. I do not know him personally but I do know his name. Put phone number in facebook and pop there he was. I have collected tons of evidence (drugs/PA) and have paid my retainer to the attorney. I have been on the 180 pretty much the whole time. Only a few slip-ups in the very beginning. Sharing a blanket at my sons football game cause it was cold....Barf!
I think you got this.

Let her own her chaos.

Are you in counseling?
 

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Push that divorce thru and get out there and find a good women, I think your owed one after the crap you went thru. Now is the time to go out and do all the things you couldn't when the old ball and chain was holding down.
Please don't tell me you still have the frilly trow pillows on the bed? LOL. Start working on fixing up the place the way you want it and raise that attraction level by working on your self.

You got some real young kids there....what kid of support do you have with regards to having someone watch them so you can go out and start meeting poeple?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Counseling every Wed. I could have never imagined the pain being so bad for so long. It's worse than a death for me. She is a train wreck, Why do I miss her so? She does now get the kids ever Wed. 3-7 and every other weekend. HA HA she will now be the fun grandparent :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Actually the STBXW very successfull dealing with pills. One for me one for you. LOL She will be able to live it up with no mortgage, bills, kids, etc. She already pays me good faith child support. Its gonna be a lot harder for her to hit rock bottom. She is also super attractive and makes a lot of money.
 

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Sounds like my stbxw - attractive, excellent income and loving the excitement of having no marriage responsibilities, just no kid and mine is having a EA/PA.

What I'm learning is that all I can do is let go. Nothing I do will *make* her change her mind. If she does it will because she found out the grass wasn't greener. I just hope I won't want anything to do with her when/if that moment comes.

With your kids I would just tweak the above to say: concentrate on yourself and them. Be an awesome father and man. Your kids will idolize you for your strength and one day a woman who deserves you will as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I have had a rough couple of days. See my IC at 11:00 today. Went to the dentist for a six month check up decided to get teeth whitening done. I would not of done that if I was still with the ex.

The hardest part for me is letting go. I have always been a type A personality and this drama is causing my body to redline in car speak.

I did go out with an old girlfriend on a strictly platonic date. Man did we have a blast. However, when it was time to go home I got really really down. Don't know if I was ready for that.

STBXW meeting this evening to exchange kids. She doesn't know what the 180 is but she is a Bruce Lee like zen master of it without even knowing. I have got to quit holding on.
 

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I hate to suggest this, GP, but you may not know the whole story on her behavior. You should get a full STD test done. Sorry you're dealing with this. It's really hard to see them acting like they're enjoying 'freedom' when your heart is breaking and you're trying to be the responsible parent. Just don't do what I did and keep the home fires burning. Take care of yourself and your kids first.
 

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GP-Always keep in mind, the higher the high....the farther the fall. I'm sure she has this idea she has everything under control. When the walls come down, everything crumbles. No amount of money, medical knowledge or attractiveness can stop it from occurring. Have yourself ready when she returns.....then choice will be yours
 
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