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Just for discussion sake: For the BSs out here, how many of you experienced a gut feeling or just knew something was off in your WS that made you dig further to find the affair?

For me, it was an extremely powerful gut feeling. Guess some red flags, but I remember the gut feeling the most.

How many of you were completely blindsided and found out by accident or incidentally?
 

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Just for discussion sake: For the BSs out here, how many of you experienced a gut feeling or just knew something was off in your WS that made you dig further to find the affair?

For me, it was an extremely powerful gut feeling. Guess some red flags, but I remember the gut feeling the most.

How many of you were completely blindsided and found out by accident or incidentally?
The gut feeling I got was undeniable. It would not go away. I think it was because subconsciously I picked up on the subtle differences in my STBXW's behavior. That feeling drove me to dig...and to keep digging. I didn't understand the red flags at that time. I learned them from forums like TAM.
 

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The very first time during our marriage, I didn't realize anything was going on (or maybe I didn't want to) until my sister pointed it out. Once I figured it out, my intuition has been on fire since. Seriously, he would tell me that if "she" ever contacted him again, he would let me know immediately. He didn't always do that but I would know. I would just know something happened and would ask. With the second time, I was just more aware. I knew something was going on. Knew it! But, I couldn't end things without proof. I got it in spades.
 

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Just for discussion sake: For the BSs out here, how many of you experienced a gut feeling or just knew something was off in your WS that made you dig further to find the affair?
Arent these - two sides of the same coin? My view is that the second leads to the first one.

For me, it was an extremely powerful gut feeling. Guess some red flags, but I remember the gut feeling the most.
I knew something was wrong and it stirred up the gut feeling.

How many of you were completely blindsided and found out by accident or incidentally?
Her behaviour led me to wonder.
 

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For me, the signs were MUCH more obvious in retrospect.

I should've picked up on it better, yet I reasoned them away...
and just didn't connect the dots at the time.

Silly me... trusting my "soulmate" and "best friend" of 2 decades....

She also did a great job of hiding it while tearing me down, lashing out,
threatening me with D and blaming me and her job for it.

I knew she had been tampered with down there, I just assumed
that she was the one doing the tampering herself as our sex life
didn't slow down one bit during her 2 mo A.
 

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I knew something was wrong, but thought it was just his porn addiction and my failures (believed his criticisms of me fully). Found out by accident that it was more, but I had been vigilant because he was acting shady. Blindsided, probably because I ignored the gut feeling that something was amiss.
 
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I knew the minute it started up, but had no evidence. And when I had the evidence, I could not bring myself to catching them. Cause if I would, I would have kicked him out. So I kept on questioning him, until he finally came up with this story.
Problem that I face now in the reconsilation, is that I have hte feeling that in those weeks, I knew about this relation, he kept on lying. So for me it feels that he protected her, and not me. And this is killing me.
So still not sure what would have been better, not to know and just get the story one day, or knowing and lying continues to protect the other?
 

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Just for discussion sake: For the BSs out here, how many of you experienced a gut feeling or just knew something was off in your WS that made you dig further to find the affair?

For me, it was an extremely powerful gut feeling. Guess some red flags, but I remember the gut feeling the most.

How many of you were completely blindsided and found out by accident or incidentally?

The gut feeling was so strong that it made me physically sick. Extremely physically sick. But I didn't know what was actually wrong and was totally blind sided by what was actually happening. For a couple years I was extremely sick and just "knew" but didn't know what I knew. About a year ago I started having a nagging voice in my head about the person he is involved with, but for too many reasons to tell I just did NOT believe it. Absolutely did not believe it. Then I had a dream and the OW said to me in a dream "yes, we've been together quite a while now". Still, I didn't believe it. FF to the day I finally realized that it most likely really was happening and I confronted him and he admitted it. I had zero evidence and zero reason to even believe it other than my gut. So yeah, the gut feeling is real and can be trusted. Heads and hearts maybe can't be trusted, but gut feelings can most definitely be relied on.
 

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I knew the minute it started up, but had no evidence. And when I had the evidence, I could not bring myself to catching them. Cause if I would, I would have kicked him out. So I kept on questioning him, until he finally came up with this story.
Problem that I face now in the reconsilation, is that I have hte feeling that in those weeks, I knew about this relation, he kept on lying. So for me it feels that he protected her, and not me. And this is killing me.
So still not sure what would have been better, not to know and just get the story one day, or knowing and lying continues to protect the other?
this is what I come back to as well.
 

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you mean during your reconsilation? That this is blocking and hunting you?
Or the question what would have best?
I am annoyed that I had to show him evidence of what I was saying before he stopped denying. He maintains that they were "just friends" so that derails discussion until I talk in detail of what I know.

Looking at their messages, it doesn't even appear that she was nice to him and yet he only dropped her because I asked him to and threatened to move on as well.
 

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I had a few signs that I ignored which I shouldn't have. No gut feeling, though. My brain, when I found out, tried to tell me it could still be innocent. I clearly remember thinking to myself that those strange sexy Yahoo chat names could just be people he knew who happened to use them and that he wasn't doing anything inappropriate. I also remember thinking I should just close it out and not delve deeper, at the same time my brain was screaming DANGER DANGER DANGER. It was weird. Not until I read the words 'sex escort agency' in one of the emails did it really hit me.
 

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I was completely blindsided. It was a complete accident that I found out. But in all fairness, I was severely distracted when the affair was going down. Working overnights, taking care of kids during the day and my father was dying.
 
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