Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm a wife of over 12 years. I met my husband when I was 15 dated off and on and married at the age of 21. I never really had a longterm relationship outside of my relationship with my husband. I've always been faithful up until 2 years ago. My job had changed and I've been traveling. I took my first trip overseas and met some individuals within my company from all over the world. While on the trip, I found myself caught up in a relationship with someone older. I slept with this person on this trip, twice. We e-mailed for a couple months and then I ended it...or so I thought. We saw each other at another work event and it started up again and has since happened at four other work trips. I thought this person could help me get through some rough times with my husband. For a while I even imagined leaving my husband for this other person. I'm now certain that is not what I want. Regardless of whether I'm talking to this person or I'm conversing with my husband I feel very lonely inside. I think it's just me. We've talked alot about our marriages. Yes, he's married too, and we both have kids. In fact, I met one of his kids on one of the trips. And yes, I feel horribly guilty. Although, he did say he's getting a divorce,...but I've told him that I do not plan on divorcing my husband. I'm unhappy in my marriage, I don't know if I love my husband romantically anymore. I'm forcing myself to stay for our children's sake, and for our parents sake...they would be devastated if we separated. I'm willing to seek counseling, to try and reconnect...but I'm terrified of admitting what I've done to him. He's my best friend, and I'm angry with myself for hurting him. I'm also seriously contemplating leaving him and just trying it alone for awhile. I'm starting to resent my husband for how guilty I feel, and I find myself focusing on all of his flaws, it's not fair to him, he deserves more. I'm really not a horrible person, I'm sorry for what I've done...I don't know how to make amends...I wish I could turn back time and not have made these decisions, and maybe I would feel differently. I want someone to tell me it's okay not to admit to my husband what I've done...I love him, even if I do leave him, I don't think I could ever tell him. Please share some words of wisdom.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
121 Posts
I don't think you are a horrible person. I do think you need some counceling to help you deal with all the issues. You need to talk to your husband about your feelings and how you are lonely and unhappy. Adding an affair is unfair to you, your husband and your children, although I understand why it happened. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but the point is you are in your marriage to work together as a team, when one is feeling lonely and unloved you need to work on this as a team. If he is willing to work with you then there is a good chance that as a team you can make things right again. But it takes one on one counceling and couple counceling to make things better. I wouldn't give up on this marriage yet, if all things fail on trying to make your marriage work then and only then would I consider leaving the marriage. I would choose to be alone, I would not seek another relationship to leave your marriage. It just makes things more confusing for you both. Even if the sparks fly with this other guy, in 10 years the luster will not be as wonderful as it was in the beginning. If you have a husband that is kind, hardworking, great with the kids but has some flaws don't just throw him away. You fell in love with him for a reason, remember those reasons. There are times when I love my husband more than other times, there are times I am more physically attracted to my husband then at other times. I know that he is great with the kids, loves me and wants to grow old with me and have grandchildren together. That is our life's purpose and that is why I want this marriage to work. Best of Luck to you. Oh yah if you belong to a church or something you can talk to someone in the clergy as well. Just some thoughts.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
First let me stress that I think cheating is wrong because it is a selfish act used as a form of control. You have asked the members of this forum for a justification to not telling your husband even though you are going to be in a position to cheat again and again. The only solace you provide is the fact you say you feel guilty. The problem is as long as you cheat the less you will try to add to your marriage. If you really want to cover it up then do it, just remember you will always feel the guilt because you have never gotten the forgiveness from the one person you need it from the most, the person you hurt with your selfish act, your husband. Also remember that the more you cheat the more likely you will be caught.

I'm unhappy in my marriage
This is both an excuse and an issue, because self doubt tends to steer a person towards the ends. In otherwords as long as you sit back and say you are unhappy in the marriage and don't do things to fix it, the longer you will remain unhappy.

I don't know if I love my husband romantically anymore.
Again, if you put an effort into the marriage you might rekindle what you once had or even find a great deal more. It took years for my marriage to top any other relationship but with time I can't imagion anything replacing what I have. We have had our ups and downs but we stayed dedicated to our marriage and in the end it is the most fulfilling thing I have ever had.

For a while I even imagined leaving my husband for this other person
This has been a part of your issue keeping you disconnected. You need to figure out what it is that you want and need and find a way to communicate it to your husband.

I'm starting to resent my husband for how guilty I feel, and I find myself focusing on all of his flaws, it's not fair to him, he deserves more.
This is a normal reaction to blame the victim.

You need to evaluate your marriage and yourself. You should enjoy it and if you are not happy let your husband know why you are not. He might be willing to do whatever it takes to help you after all he is your best friend.

You can't turn back time however you can make the most of the future.

I pray for you.

draconis
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
Good points to all above. Everyone has flaws. Because you are involved physically and emotionally with another man your view of your husband may be skewed. Your “fantasy man” has his own flaws also. His marriage is likely in trouble in part due to those flaws. If you want your marriage to heal you must end all communication with him to unfog your views of hubby. Only then can your start to reconnect with him. This will likely take time so strap in for the duration. People can and do fall back in love with each other. Also since it sounds as if you are compatible with your husband in many ways. I’d wager you have a better chance of fixing your current relationship with him than finding someone else that fills so many of your needs. Work with him to improve where he can and do the same with yourself. I will not suggest either you tell or not tell your husband, that is up to you as you know the circumstances and have a better understanding of how he will react. Best of luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
I'm confused with some of the responses. Is an individual supposed to stay in a marriage in which they are unhappy? The problems started before the affair. Everyone knows cheating is wrong. But wanting to get out of an unhappy marriage, is that wrong?

My suggestion is if you want your marriage to work, do not tell him about the affair. This will only make things worse. Cut all ties with the other man and go to counseling to help resolve any issues.

If you think there is no hope in the marriage, move on.

I'm currently going through the same issues. Leaving is not an option for my husband.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
Sweetp101

No I don’t feel people should stay in a marriage they are unhappy in but I do believe when it comes to the point of divorce they should do everything within their power to salvage the marriage. I see no statements about abuse here. Physical, mental or substance so it doesn’t appear to be a relationship that must be left. She still cares for him and doesn’t want to hurt him or her children. So if that is the case why not invest some time and money in trying to save the marriage? If my wife had left last year when she told me she was completely unhappy in the marriage the divorce would probably be final by now. But we both chose to stay and work on things. It is not what we would call a happy marriage at his point but it is happier and we communicate better than we have for years. We stayed for many of the same reasons. We cared for each other, we didn’t want to hurt our children….. Many will state that staying together for the children is wrong but that is not always the case. In ours, it has been a year since I learned of her emotional affair but in that time we have had exactly one argument and a minor one at that. With our better abilities to communicate it was resolved quickly which was something that that wouldn’t have happened two years ago. How many “happy” couples could boast one argument in a year? If the core of the marriage is in tact and there are not abuse or respect issues, I will pretty much always root for the marriage and advise counseling and effort. Sorry, I hope I haven’t hi-jacked this thread.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
IRegardless of whether I'm talking to this person or I'm conversing with my husband I feel very lonely inside. I think it's just me.
I think this is where you need to focus your energy. It sounds as though, deep down, you know the OM is not the answer. You may benefit by seeing a counselor on your own to sort out the feelings you are having. Adding guilt to the loneliness has probably only complicated things for you. If you can get to the root of what will make you feel less lonely/more happy you will be much better equipped to focus on the issues within your marriage. Take care of yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
Amp,

So what you are saying to me is regardless of how you feel about your marriage. You should stay in it for the long haul. No matter how unhappy you are. You should put everyone elses feelings before your own. This way you can be depressed and work on something that you are not sure is going to work for the next 25 yrs.

I'm not sure if I could do that.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
Nope I'm just saying couples should give it everything they've got before throwing in the towel. How long that is in time is up to the individuals involved and the circumstances. Because someone is unhappy in a marriage doesn’t mean they can’t be happy again. Many marriages can be saved if both parties are willing to work at it. If it can’t be saved, it can’t be saved. I just favor a strong effort before divorce.

Now I know we've hi-jacked this thread. :eek:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thank you for listening and responding to my story. For the longest time I've been trying to work up the courage to tell this to someone, and I haven't been able to. I am grateful to have this forum as an anonymous way to share and not feel afraid to do so. Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I do belong to a church, but I feel very hypocritical going there right now. I live in a small town, and I'm afraid to share with anyone around here...stranger or not. Anyway, you are right, I do love my husband very much...I just haven't felt any romantic connection for the last 3 or 4 years (long before the affair). But I am willing to seek counseling, and I do believe I will start doing that on my own. I need to sort out my own feelings about what I want, and it may not be him...but it might also be something unrelated to him, and I don't want to risk destroying our life together if that's the case. I have made a decision to end it with the other man. I believe he's transferring to a different division in the other company, so it will work out that we may never be at the same work functions. I have to leave that in God's hands, but I can completely cut off communication and that's what I'll do. Thanks again :)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
Thank you for listening and responding to my story. For the longest time I've been trying to work up the courage to tell this to someone, and I haven't been able to. I am grateful to have this forum as an anonymous way to share and not feel afraid to do so. Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I do belong to a church, but I feel very hypocritical going there right now. I live in a small town, and I'm afraid to share with anyone around here...stranger or not. Anyway, you are right, I do love my husband very much...I just haven't felt any romantic connection for the last 3 or 4 years (long before the affair). But I am willing to seek counseling, and I do believe I will start doing that on my own. I need to sort out my own feelings about what I want, and it may not be him...but it might also be something unrelated to him, and I don't want to risk destroying our life together if that's the case. I have made a decision to end it with the other man. I believe he's transferring to a different division in the other company, so it will work out that we may never be at the same work functions. I have to leave that in God's hands, but I can completely cut off communication and that's what I'll do. Thanks again :)
Glad to see you stepping in a forward direction.

draconis
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Also, may I try to say that as someone who's been on your husband's end of the stick... if he truely is in love with you... it would crush him. However, if your going to feel guilty about it, you have to tell him... otherwise, the guilt will eat you until it ruins the way you feel about yourself as well as the way you feel about your husband... and I think it already has started.

You may want to try seeing a psycologist about this. And, if you feel it is important, maybe have your husband come too. It may help you with your guilt, and equally as important, it may help find the underlying issues in your marriage that led you astray in the first place.

Well wishes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
You are acting and talking just like my wife. You seek justification after justification for what you have done. Now that you realize there is no justification for what you have done, you want to run away. Pretend that it didn't happen. If you were happy and in love with your husband early in your marriage, there is no reason why you can't be again. Falling in love is easy. It requires no effort. Staying in love, growing that love, maintaining that love takes effort. Most people become unhappy in their marriage because they didn't put in the requisite effort to stay happy. They just assumed that love is all you need. If you become unhappy, it must be because your husband isn't the right man, right? If you were with the right man, you would be in love forever, right?

My wife has been a lousy spouse for just about our entire 8 year marriage. I have carried the relationship on my back. She has done horrible things to me over the past 5 months during her affair. Lied to me. Disparaged me to her friends and family. Manipulated me so that she could have all the good things I provide in addition to that "in love" feeling she has with her coworker. Why haven't I left? Because I believe in my wedding vows. I believe in commitment. And I believe that this a test, not a sign. I know that she loved me in all ways when we were younger, and I her. The difference is that over the years I have been investing in our future. I have performed loving actions, made sacrifices, and put effort into building a stronger love. And you know what? It worked. I love her more today after everything we have been through than the day we got married. I invested in the marriage and my account is full. Unfortunately, I never asked her to invest. She never thought to do it for herself. She lived paycheck to paycheck so when we got to a rough point in our marriage, her account was empty, she had nothing invested. That is why she wasn't happy. She had put nothing into the relationship, so she didn't get anything back. Once everything I did wasn't enough any more, she turned outside the marriage. She never told me there was a problem. She now blames the marriage for her unhappiness. She resents me for making her feel guilty! How the fuq do people who commit the ultimate sin and betray their spouses keep trying to play the victim card?

And now, knowing that she did wrong. Knowing what she did to contribute to this break. Knowing what she should do to make amends, and even knowing that we can be stronger if we make it through this, my wife is too weak, too selfish, and too lazy to make things right. It is easier to leave. She knows it will not solve the problems, but it will give her relief. If she isn't married to me, she won't have to keep her promises anymore. If she isn't married to me, she can sleep with whomever she wants and not feel guilty. If she isn't married to me anymore, she can pretend that none of this ever happened. But when will the cycle stop? Each time you run away from problems, you simply compound them. They will follow you. They will poison future relationships, they will force you to keep running away forever.

My advice to you is the same that I have been trying to give to my wife. Stop running. It is hard, possibly will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but the rewards will be immeasurable. Build love. Earn happiness. Each day that you start doing the right thing for your husband and your marriage, you will realize that you are actually doing the right thing for yourself. Each day that you show your husband how special he is, you will begin to feel special. Each time you do a loving action for your husband, you will love yourself. And as you love yourself more and more, you will find yourself falling back in love with your husband.

I believe these in the core of my heart. This is why I am still here in my marriage, fighting for it. If I listened to other people, I would have been out the door a long time ago. "If you are not happy, why would you stay?" Because happiness is earned. Love is built. I was happy with my wife once, so we can be happy again. Running away is for the weak. Staying through the pain, the unhappiness, fighting for my family is strength. Through pain comes growth. If more people fought throught the pain, seeking growth, this whole world would be a better place to live in.

If you put in the time and effort, you could be happier in your marriage than you ever thought possible. At worst, you will be able to end on open, honest terms with your husband. By making an attempt to reconcile, to make amends, you will be able to heal. By doing the right thing, whether you stay together or not, you will be able to move on without guilt. Your husband and children will be able to move on fully understanding what happened. You will be able to have a solid relationship with your husband so that you can continue to be a good parent to your children and teach them values that might help them in their future relationship.

If you are ever going to be strong in your life, this is a great time to do it. There is nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

My wife cannot hear my message. I hope that you can. Good luck to you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
My advice to you is the same that I have been trying to give to my wife. Stop running. It is hard, possibly will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but the rewards will be immeasurable. Build love. Earn happiness. Each day that you start doing the right thing for your husband and your marriage, you will realize that you are actually doing the right thing for yourself. Each day that you show your husband how special he is, you will begin to feel special. Each time you do a loving action for your husband, you will love yourself. And as you love yourself more and more, you will find yourself falling back in love with your husband.
This advice is solid, Brokenfrag. If anyone questions why divorce rates increase so much in 2nd marriages, here it is. In search of someone that will fulfill your every need instead of searching within yourself and realizing it's already there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
Well, Swedish, it will most likely take until my next marriage (if I am ever so lucky) to see if this advice will hold true for me. It takes two to tango, and my wife no longer wants to be my partner.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
Hi Brokenfrag, I'm sorry to hear that. You have a deep understanding of what it takes to be within a marriage and give of yourself. You deserve this in return, whether it be with your wife or otherwise.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
124 Posts
Life just keeps happening to you, doesn't it? You just happened to fall into an affair...you've fallen out of romantic love with your husband...it's like you're giving us the weather report; it's all happening around you, you're only reporting it...Get over yourself. Selfish people do feel so lonely; why might that be? That's the question you need to answer before anything else.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top