[Dedicated2Her]

It has been now 5 months since I moved out. The divorce is final. Things have been rather smooth for me. Self discovery without dealing with the chaos I faced everyday at home is enlightening. When I first began on the move out thing, my hope was that we could still do things with the kids together. We did a few times, but I realized that I don't want that.

The long process of emotional detachment is just that....long. I had done so many actions showing love over the two years of in house separation that I was very much connected emotionally. On one hand, it shows you therapy works. If both people commit to it, actions turn into emotions. On another hand, it truly sucks when one person sits in therapy and makes admissions to how amazing you are and what you've become they just don't love you anymore and are unwilling to try, of course those admissions are made by the counselor prodding her.

So, the point? I have been doing really good at showing nothing but business to the ex. I walk in Sunday to bring the kids back. I washed and folded their laundry from the weekend, and she proceeded to thank me and just shower me with praise of how much it helps her and it is so awesome. WTF! I thanked her and walked out after hugging the kids. I don't think she noticed what was going on inside me because I've learned to keep the wall up. In a few words, the wall was gone. 2 years of nothing from her...Now you want to give me words of affirmation? Is this some type of game?

 

[Conrad]

Dog bone syndrome.

Have I mentioned females like attention?



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[Dedicated2Her]

Dog bone syndrome.

Have I mentioned females like attention?

Yes, you have. I guess I'm just not getting it. I'm not showing her anything in attention which she got plenty of when I was at home.

 

[Conrad]

Yes, you have. I guess I'm just not getting it. I'm not showing her anything in attention which she got plenty of when I was at home.

She's feeling the absence of it.

One thing this place teaches you in bold strokes.... they won't miss you if you don't go away.



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[Dedicated2Her]

She's feeling the absence of it.

One thing this place teaches you in bold strokes.... they won't miss you if you don't go away.

Very true. My therapist seems to believe if I stick to business only and no shared activities she will be back within a year. Problem is, I'm not sure she will show the humility and commitment to change I will require to want her back. It just amazes me how quickly you can become vulnerable.

 

[Conrad]

Very true. My therapist seems to believe if I stick to business only and no shared activities she will be back within a year. Problem is, I'm not sure she will show the humility and commitment to change I will require to want her back. It just amazes me how quickly you can become vulnerable.

Stay the course.

She may surprise you.

She may not.

You'll be ok either way.

Quite a difference in perspective for you.



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[Dedicated2Her]

Stay the course.

She may surprise you.

She may not.

You'll be ok either way.

Quite a difference in perspective for you.

Yeah, I know. Its been a long ride. Coming out of the situation has been very healthy for me.
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[Conrad]

Yeah, I know. Its been a long ride. Coming out of the situation has been very healthy for me.
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I can tell.

I'm glad we finally agree on the futility of trying to "get someone to love you".

It's been a long road.



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[Dedicated2Her]

I can tell.

I'm glad we finally agree on the futility of trying to "get someone to love you".

It's been a long road.

I really believe the "light bulb" moment for me was when I saw how hard life was with her. She doesn't communicate, properly handle problems. It was like dealing with a teenager. Sitting in front of our therapist by myself a year later really opened my eyes. She gave me a lot to think about. You have to have two functional adults to have a relationship. Maybe she changes, maybe she doesn't. I won't allow her to hurt me or stunt my growth as a man anymore.
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[Conrad]

I really believe the "light bulb" moment for me was when I saw how hard life was with her. She doesn't communicate, properly handle problems. It was like dealing with a teenager. Sitting in front of our therapist by myself a year later really opened my eyes. She gave me a lot to think about. You have to have two functional adults to have a relationship. Maybe she changes, maybe she doesn't. I won't allow her to hurt me or stunt my growth as a man anymore.
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Good man.

I still want you to change your moniker.



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[Lon]

D2H, this post resonated with me. I too have had no problems going cold on my ex and shutting her out of my personal life (as much as I can in a small city my size anyway), as far as the co-parenting business I have been pretty much rock solid for my son... lately we had a change in plan and it felt like she kinda got a leg up on me, but I'm not really feeling a lot of resentment about it, but I've noticed she has been giving me much more unsolicited praise - it probably means she wants something and I don't think I'm going to like what it is, nor do I care. However I suspect she is really starting to feel the pinch of financial and lifestyle decisions she made in moving out...

whatev, I got my own things to deal with. take care man, sounds like you are going the right direction.

 

[Dedicated2Her]

D2H, this post resonated with me. I too have had no problems going cold on my ex and shutting her out of my personal life (as much as I can in a small city my size anyway), as far as the co-parenting business I have been pretty much rock solid for my son... lately we had a change in plan and it felt like she kinda got a leg up on me, but I'm not really feeling a lot of resentment about it, but I've noticed she has been giving me much more unsolicited praise - it probably means she wants something and I don't think I'm going to like what it is, nor do I care. However I suspect she is really starting to feel the pinch of financial and lifestyle decisions she made in moving out...

whatev, I got my own things to deal with. take care man, sounds like you are going the right direction.

Yeah, I have definitely been on the short end of the stick when it comes to the kids. However, they see the difference in us two. Karma is a wretched thing. I don't wish ill on her, in fact, I hope she finds herself and stops defining herself by the kids. They need a good example of a strong, healthy woman in their lives who is secure in who she is as a woman not just as a mom. She has got to be one of the most selfish individuals I've ever seen, and I didn't come to that realization until I could look at things from the outside. It is disgusting to me, and there is no way she would come close to living up to my standards to date, which is a shame.

Even two weeks ago, I talked to her about our son doing a therapy session. She said, "I believe in it and feel very strongly about it." My response, "Good. I assume that means you are going yourself." Blank stare. Nothing's changed. Still talks, doesn't do. Pointless. When your actions don't match up with your words, what does that make you? A very weak individual, and that is not very attractive.

 

[Dedicated2Her]

DC,

Thanks for the response. Most certainly, I have been through the not looking for validation from her. However, it goes much deeper than that. My first 6 months of therapy was based upon receiving validation from God instead of others. I have been very fortunate to have amazing ppl around me.

Now, the reason I did the clothes is not because I love just her. It is because of who I am. The love of Christ is a powerful thing. My hope for her is not that we be reconciled. My hope is that she is stripped of her flesh, therefore, she can start to have peace and joy in communion with God. This is not about me or her or even us as a couple. This is about God's plan for our lives. I am ok with that because it has brought me to a place in which I finally understand what it is to trust God. You cannot love without trust.

There are just bumps in the road where I have to deal with the emotional side of myself because I am human. I am very sensitive to her because of the history and the fact she is the mother of my children. I recognize that, and I am taking steps to allow myself to be strengthened.

 

[muskrat]

DC,

Thanks for the response. Most certainly, I have been through the not looking for validation from her. However, it goes much deeper than that. My first 6 months of therapy was based upon receiving validation from God instead of others. I have been very fortunate to have amazing ppl around me.

Now, the reason I did the clothes is not because I love just her. It is because of who I am. The love of Christ is a powerful thing. My hope for her is not that we be reconciled. My hope is that she is stripped of her flesh, therefore, she can start to have peace and joy in communion with God. This is not about me or her or even us as a couple. This is about God's plan for our lives. I am ok with that because it has brought me to a place in which I finally understand what it is to trust God. You cannot love without trust.

There are just bumps in the road where I have to deal with the emotional side of myself because I am human. I am very sensitive to her because of the history and the fact she is the mother of my children. I recognize that, and I am taking steps to allow myself to be strengthened.

Wow, this is really inspirational. I hope I can find the strength in myself to follow in your footsteps.

 

[Conrad]

Rat,

D2H and I have a certain level of history.

I guarantee you are in a similar situation to the one where I first encountered him.

You are very capable of the same transformation he's made.



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[Dedicated2Her]

I hope I can find the strength in myself to follow in your footsteps.

You will. It is a process. Blaming her or being angry at her (which I am most certainly guilty of) feeds into your own selfish desires. Your desire is to see your family reconciled, however, that might not be what needs to happen for your wife to become who God called her to be. In addition, everyday through this is a lesson. He is teaching you. You just have to come to a place where you quiet yourself to hear from him. That can't happen when you are emotionally in turmoil. When you can start to see her from HIS point of view, then you know what love is. You start to truly understand joy, compassion, and honor. Your actions are then derived out of pure love rather than your selfishness of what you want. It makes you seperate from your pride and your ego, and that is a very good thing.

Regardless of the path that ends up happening, you will become more able to handle a woman or her emotions because your ultimate trust lies from above. It is a very uplifting thought. No longer will your happiness be tied to someone else's actions, thoughts, or moral compass.

 

[muskrat]

Where I struggle the most with this is at times like this morning. She asked for some items from the basement, my lawyer told me not to give her anything from the house. The things she asked for, I do not want. I feel God would want me to rise above the situation and not argue over petty items. However my lawyer advised me otherwise and many members of this board have also told me not to keep giving. I am confused, if I give her her things against my legal advice am I caving in? I do feel it is the right thing to do and I should not hold things hostage.
I really feel like I am in a no win situation and anything I do will be wrong. However how can I expect her to be civil if I am going to withhold even the most trivial items? Shouldn't I set an example and lead by my actions and let her have her things? I know this could bite me from a legal standpoint, but from a moral standpoint isn't it the right thing to do?

 

[Conrad]

Just like you've set the example on wanting the marriage back?



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[Lon]

Hi Muskrat, just took a look at this thread again and see you struggling with an dilemna I was faced with too - the things she wants that I don't after she left it all behind. Not sure where you are at in the legal process, but if there is a separation agreement of sorts in place, go by that - so if you have settled the equity, and what's left is technically your property, then offer to sell them back to her. Or if you haven't settled the final payment yet make a note of everything and deduct it from any amounts you may owe her in the end.

I did that with a couple items my ex wanted to take every time she remembered about something she left behind. I'm the one that had to deal with all the other physical crap she left, so it's mine now. I don't know if this is at all relevant to what you are discussing, just thought I'd reply. She soon stopped asking when she realized my home was no longer her storage grounds.

 

[muskrat]

Just like you've set the example on wanting the marriage back?

This confuses me. Yes I tried to set an example, but she just doesn't want me anymore. I must accept that.
However in regards to our stuff she has been civil and fair to this point. I don't want to push this into a full scale war, I also don't want to be taken advantage of.