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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
Can a long lost brother and half sister have an emotional affair? Anyone every heard of Genetic Sexual Attraction? GSA has up to a 50% hook up rate! It sounds so powerful I can’t even compete.

My wife recently was contacted thru ancestry and been reunited on social media with a half brother that their mother gave away at birth. Their ages are 55 and 60. It started off with emails, then texting, phone calls and finally FaceTime. She was a late sleeper, but early rising and primping seemed to take a priority to get on FaceTime at least two hours earlier than her normal waking time. He had become the first and last person she communicates with daily for 4 to 5 hours, seven days a week. It was well beyond friendship hours past midnight and 3 am east coast time. I seen texts where she was bad mouthing me. He is having martial problems prior to contacting my wife. She told me his wife is self centered. How she knows that I don’t know? They have become each other’s emotional cheerleaders. I can’t believe just meeting someone, they tell each other other that they miss each and love each over a dozen times a day. And there are many, many more red flags. It seems she become judgmental towards me and of course everything is my fault because you never listen to me! Seriously I don’t know where the anger and disrespect came from. She is blame shifting to justify her actions. When I try to communicate it is way are you beating me up! We travelled the world, she doesn’t have any financial worries and I thought our relationship was great. We been married for 40 years and in less than 30 days I’ve been kicked to the curb.

I read numerous articles on emotional affairs. It sure seems to fit. We even took some online EA quizzes and they indicate we are nearing a divorce. I wrote her half brother and told him I was not comfortable with both of their flirtatious behaviors. I am not use to my wife waking to greet him every morning, texting for hours during the day and lastly spending hours being smitten on FaceTime every night. She said she cannot stop communicating with him. She just refuses to believe there is an emotion affair since they have the same mother and never did anything wrong. I spoke up and show her dozens of articles without any true acknowledgement, only that he is her brother. My only saving grace is he lives in 2,000 miles away. She knows how this is negatively affecting our relationship, but I guess GSA already took a firm grip. He knew of GSA and is playing her emotions like a fiddle. She is still on FaceTime with him. There no winning in losing.
 

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Yes!! She believes I am the bad guy for speaking up. Little does she knows her husband told my wife he wants to divorce her. I understand he retired from the military with 100% PTSD. He apparently goes to Counseling for me telling him to slow his roll. His Counselor indicated my letter to him was a little strong! I will post my letter. It is all so unbelievable. I have their kissy face text messages! I know how this works deny, deny, deny...then lie!
 

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Yes!! She believes I am the bad guy for speaking up. Little does she knows her husband told my wife he wants to divorce her. I understand he retired from the military with 100% PTSD. He apparently goes to Counseling for me telling him to slow his roll. His Counselor indicated my letter to him was a little strong! I will post my letter. It is all so unbelievable. I have their kissy face text messages! I know how this works deny, deny, deny...then lie!
Did you send copies of their text messages to his wife? Do any of those say that he wants to divorce his wife?

Who told you that his wife believes that you are the bad guy? Did is wife tell you that directly? Or did the husband tell you that?

He's in counseling because of your letter? Really? This is an ex military guy? He sounds like a real manipulator.
 

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This is way over the top for half siblings to be carrying on. If WW isn’t willing to talk then get her attention. Have her served. That may bring her to the talking table. If the rolls were reversed she would be all over you to stop.
buffer
 

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We travelled the world, she doesn’t have any financial worries and I thought our relationship was great. We been married for 40 years and in less than 30 days I’ve been kicked to the curb.
Here's the thing CA. She'll won't really kick you to the curb. She'll keep you around for financial support and for ****s and giggles while fawning over her long lost half bro. My take is her new hobby will wear off leaving you to realize exactly where you were on her totem pole when a new kid came on the scene. The good news is your BIL's wife will likely walk away with half his military pension if he divorces her. (What does this dame look like? Maybe you two could cry on each others shoulders, if you know what I mean) In the interim, you may want to consider any future personal sacrifices you're willing to make to add to your wife's future comfort and lifestyle now that you know how easy she can put you on the shelve.
 

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There was a case in the UK where a half brother and half sister met for the first time and were caught having sex in the lift (elevator) of a multistory car park on the same day they met. They were found guilty in court of incest. It was reported in the UKs daily papers.
 

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Don’t waste your time trying to apply a label (EA, GSA, incestuous, plutonic) to their relationship.
Why? Because the definitions are too general and it’s a game that she will never let you win.

From your post, it seems when cornered she responds with something like: “it’s harmless because it’s not sexual or he’s my brother”.

However, what’s relevant is the impact of their relationship (whatever it’s called) on your marriage:

1 – She’s not only investing too much time (in general) in someone other than her spouse – but she’s investing more time each day with him than you. That’s not fair. She’s acting like she’s single.

2- Contact with him is toxic to your marriage and self-destructive to her (their conversations are not constructive and she therefore comes away dissatisfied with her life/marriage).

3 – The fact that she’s addicted to his attention (at the expense of her marriage) is a red flag. Her admission that she can’t stop communicating with him (i.e., she’s addicted to the feeling he triggers in her head) is symptomatic of an emotional affair.

Furthermore, since she’s addicted to the attention she receives from him, she will not stop voluntarily (unless you somehow motivate her). And asking nicely or trying to reason with her failed.
 

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Consider telling her that although they share some genetic material they weren’t raised as brother & sister – and therefore don’t share the life time emotional bond/shared childhood & life experiences of brother & sister.

In reality, she doesn’t know this man (he’s a total stranger). The texts and conversations are just air (with no substance) – and since he’s a stranger, this guy is just a fantasy that satisfies some subconscious need within her.
 

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Before you take more serious action like insist on NC, be sure you are able to monitor her behavior/calls/texts. Since, she's addicted to his attention she will likely make contact behind your back.

Don't try to compete with the OM. You can compliment her and treat her like royalty - but you (as a spouse) can never compete with this new source of attention that feeds her ego. Every time you attempt to compete, or plead with her (or cry) it's viewed (by an addicted/obsessed mind) as weakness - and a free pass to continue her behavior.

Basically, she has all the benefits of a husband (on her terms and time table) and a 'special' relationship which she admits is negatively impacting her marriage.

You're afraid of pushing her away by showing zero tolerance for her relationship. If that's the case, then you've already lost her. If she needs 'time' to chose her husband vs this man, then you've already lost her.

Experience shows that you have to be willing to risk your marriage in order to save it.

What that means is that in order to be taken seriously she has to believe (bluff if you have to) that you will divorce her rather than tolerate this toxic relationship with a stranger (even though they share genetic material, she doesn't know him) that is destroying your marriage.

Google and implement the '180', talk to your attorney about how divorce will impact you, separate bank accounts - it sends a message that you're serious.

Finally, under the circumstance, I think it's reasonable to insist on NC for 6 months (a cooling off period to step back and evaluate). And in the interim seek IC to determine why she would risk her marriage for this man. If she can't identify her 'why' (and fix it) then she can't be trusted with resuming contact. If she can't or won't do that, then you know what level of the 180 to implement etc.
 

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She needs to learn that actions have consequences.
Time for some shock and awe.
Separate bank accounts, cut off any joint checking accounts, credit cards etc.
Consult with an attorney and have her served.
If you don't want to spend the money to file, print off the paperwork from your local court, start filling it out, and leave it where she can find it. Or perhaps, sit her down and have her assist you in filling it out.
Still, meet with the attorney for options and to make sure you are protected.
Study up on the 180. Implement it.
Tell her that she has made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you. Tell her that you will be more than glad to assist her in being together with her new love interest. Get a bunch of empty boxes and bring them in the house.
Take every possible action to blow up her little world. You will know soon enough where you stand.
If she wants to stay together, have a list of requirements that she must implement to make you feel safe in the relationship.
Above all, I would demand IC for her with a counselor specializing in infidelity whom you have vetted yourself (give her a choice of two, both males) and she signs off on allowing regular communication between you and the counselor.
 

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Just a comment if you insist on NC and she argues that its unfair and/or unnecessarily penalizes her.

NC (e.g., for 6 months) is one of the consequences of her decision to prioritize the OM (I'm not going to legitimize this guy by calling him her brother) vs her marriage/husband. She not only must go NC but she needs to rebuild the marriage that she almost destroyed.
 

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whoo boy. That's a complicated one.

I have some experience with one of my wife's male "friends" coming back out of the woodwork and having her talk inappropriately about our marriage, hiding/deleting texts, lying, etc... and what I can say not to do is:
  1. Cry, beg, or negotiate agreements that you're not actually comfortable with
  2. Issue threatening ultimatums
  3. Try to draw her back into a better relationship with you ("nice" her back into the marriage)
I did those things, and it all made it worse. #1 just pushed her away because I was being insecure. #2 just gave her excuses - I was being controlling, etc. #3 just reinforced her behaviour - as in, "hey, if I text another man, my husband treats me nicer! I'll do that more!"

Instead, these things worked (even though they are cruel):
  1. I withdrew from the marriage and started acting single. Not as in dating other women, but being gone a lot, at the gym, out with buddies, etc. Not explaining where I was or who I was with. I was frequently in mixed company just as friends (never 1-1 but women were often present in a group setting).
  2. I informed her in no uncertain terms that if it was OK for her to be texting a man about our marriage, deleting the texts, and lying to me about it, then I would feel free to do the same with other women. And then I changed all my passwords.
  3. I went off on personal improvement. Worked out multiple times a day. Ate super clean. Upgraded my wardrobe.
#1 shocked and terrified her. I've been divorced before, and she knows that once I'm done with someone, I'm done. She didn't like at all that I was going to movies with groups of people, going for drinks after work, and she flipped out when I went on a boy's trip to Vegas (she's been away on multiple girl's trips).

#2 she had to accept, but she did cry about it. She did it, she admitted to it, I recovered all the texts. So she couldn't argue about it. If she didn't like being controlled, she sure had no leg to stand on with imposing double standards.

#3 made her very nervous. One of her best friends at the time actually asked her (jokingly) if she would 'share' me.

All of that turned the tables. None of those are unwarranted. All of them sets you up well and improves your position if you leave or if you stay. You win either way.
 

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My concern here is that the OM is a user and only intends to get money or a place to live from your WW, creating an emotional bond is a trick he has mastered in his life.

OM like him frequently have hard luck stories they convincingly tell, car repairs, wife is horrible etc, and oh by the way I just need 20,000 to get on my feet again.

Guard your finances.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Here's the thing CA. She'll won't really kick you to the curb. She'll keep you around for financial support and for ****s and giggles while fawning over her long lost half bro. My take is her new hobby will wear off leaving you to realize exactly where you were on her totem pole when a new kid came on the scene. The good news is your BIL's wife will likely walk away with half his military pension if he divorces her. (What does this dame look like? Maybe you two could cry on each others shoulders, if you know what I mean) In the interim, you may want to consider any future personal sacrifices you're willing to make to add to your wife's future comfort and lifestyle now that you know how easy she can put you on the shelve.
Thanks for the response. She looks like Karl Malden with longer hair! No thanks you.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Yes!! She believes I am the bad guy for speaking up. Little does she knows her husband told my wife he wants to divorce her. I understand he retired from the military with 100% PTSD. He apparently goes to Counseling for me telling him to slow his roll. His Counselor indicated my letter to him was a little strong! I will post my letter. It is all so unbelievable. I have their kissy face text messages! I know how this works deny, deny, deny...then lie!
This is the email I sent her half brother. The names have been changed to protect the guilty! His Counselor indicated it is a little strong! So what!

I’ve been with Jamie for 42 years and this September it will be 40 years married. I am her husband and father of two beautiful daughters. I understand you are angry and pissed because I believe you two are having an emotional affair. I would rather you feel honored that I spoke my peace to protect Jamie and our family. I am real man and your brother in law who will shield his family from harm because I love them. You need to know and understand Jamie is my world. I am not comfortable with both of your flirtatious behaviors. I am not use to my wife waking to greet you every morning, texting for hours during the day and spending hours being smitten on FaceTime every night. I think 3-5 hours everyday is excessive. I know you guys are getting to know each other and fulfilling the voids left by abandonment from your parents. I researched emotional affairs to better understand both of your situations.

Siblings or not emotional affairs are real. I understand you are experiencing some marital issues. Spending 3 to 5 hours everyday, 7 days a week on social media with Jamie will not make your marriage situation better. Your wife Karl and family deserve better. Can you tell me Karl is comfortable with your spending so many hours with Jamie? Does she even know? Talking past midnight just doesn’t seem right, if fact it a sign of an emotional affair. Please read this article and be honest with yourself, you are having an emotional affair. 21 Of The Most Heartbreaking Signs Of An Emotional Affair

Put yourself in my shoes and know my gut feeling is right. It is my responsibility to safeguard my family.

Remember I tried for years and wanted to find you. ( I done some amateur genealogy research) My only request you respect my marriage. Slow your roll. It is my wish we become family. We will talk soon. I am going to send you one article on GSA that scared the crap out of me. Thanks for your compassion and understanding.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I want to personally thank each and every person who responded back. This will give me ideas on the direction to take.
Update - when I attempt to open dialogue with my wife it is always about her, her half brother and family are the victims here! You don’t trust me. You are using the texts against me. Quit talking about. We attempted seeking Counseling, but Kaiser only has group therapy and she doesn’t want to go.
I asked what she thinks. We are just going to back to how things were. I asked did we have marriage problems prior to here brother coming into the picture. The answer was no. I asked if she was involved in an emotional affair and her answer was maybe a little. Did you talk to you brother about it. Brother indicated no EA, husband is crazy and I’ll always be here for you sis. Did you talk about GSA? No, but he is familiar with it so his wife told her.
As far as his wife Karl goes she has read the above email. She indicated I was jealous, controlling and perverted. She indicated her husband been alive for 480,000 hours. It is no big deal that he talked to Jamie 150 hours in a month.
Well I think talking for 150 hours in a month is extreme and in fact is 6 days and 6 hours straight if you do the math. I refuse to answer any of her or his email. I blocked them both. My wife will not stop talking to her brother. It going to be a lot less, so she says. She says it’s just getting to know him and will fade in time. The reality is the additive behavior only has increased. I told her he cannot come to my house ever. He is a trained soldier and combat veteran. I cannot or will not place myself in harms way. I did plenty of that as a paid Professional Firefighter for 30 years.
 
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