[MrBond]

Greetings forum. This is my first post.

I am 48. Been married for 11 years - unhappily for the last 10! I have been hanging in there for my son who is nearly 10. I am frequently tempted to vanish without a trace - except for the little fellow.

I think I am resigned to staying the course for his sake - though my wife and I are utterly incompatible and I often wonder if I will survive through it and get out the other end.

I will most likely be 56 when my son finally gets a university place and I will consider that me and my wife as a mother and father have done more or less our best for him.

If you have had to endure an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children - I would love to know your thinking about this - how do you survive it? My mother suggested medication to get me through the years!

A depressing first post but that's how it stands.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Why is this an 'either/or' situation with such extremes? You either STAY in a miserable marriage for another 10 years OR you disappear off the face of the earth? WTH?

Why don't you just DIVORCE your spouse, get yourself a new place, spend quality time with your son, show him how to be a happy adult (either alone OR with a significant other), show him HOW to overcome a set-back (unhappy marriage), how to pick up the pieces and start over when life does NOT turn out the way you wanted? Show him how to be a man! Show him how to be an adult! Do not show him how to be a martyr!

You're NOT FOOLING your son by staying in an unhappy marriage. He can see it or sense it. He WILL FEEL INCREDIBLY ANGRY as an adult when he knows you stayed in it "for him." Ask ANY ADULT whose parents 'stayed together for the kids'...they're INCREDIBLY BITTER! The household was tense, everything sucked, the day-to-day life of EVERYONE would have benefitted TREMENDOUSLY by the parent splitting up and establishing TWO HAPPY households instead of ONE MISERABLE household ("but at least we're all together!"...yeah! on the Titanic!)

Pick yourself up and MOVE ON with your life in a HEALTHY WAY. THAT is the best gift you could give your son.

 

[BeachGuy]

Browse this board and you'll find plenty of similar situations and arguments as to whether or not it's better to stay or go "for the kids". But remember, you may think you're staying for him is in his best interest when it really may not be.

I'm in the same situation. I'm not here "for the kids", I'm here because "I" want to be with my kids. I realized eventually that's selfish of me. They know nothing of what a real, loving relationship is like. So I plan on filing after the holidays. It'll hurt like hell and I'll hate moving out, but it's really the right thing to do for them.

One other thing to consider...at 11 years, you're still not considered a "long term marriage" in most states, so you wouldn't get hit as hard with alimony and child support. In another 5 years, that'll change most likely.

 

[MrBond]

Hey guys - thanks for the replies - I really appreciate it.

Obviously there's a lot more to consider here which I did not mention. My wife is unbalanced - can be violent. There has to be at least one sane person in the house when a child is being brought up. If she were a rational, reasonable person I would consider leaving in the way you have suggested. I do my best within a bad situation to make it as "good" as I can for us, and him in particular.

Whether a child should grow up with one parent only - or two albeit in a poor marriage - is up for debate. My parents had a poor marriage and my father left when I was 13 - I would have preferred him to stay but he didn't ask us. He just went.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

If your wife is unbalanced and violent, can YOU not get physical custody of your son; perhaps your mother could help you watch him while you work.

Two MISERABLE parents together in ONE house is NEVER GONNA BE BETTER than two HAPPY parents living separately in their own homes. Not in my opinion.

Just because YOUR father left (and I'm presuming had no further contact with you, or not enough contact to suit you) doesn't mean YOU HAVE TO abandon your child if you divorce his mother.