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Yes, it's your problem, but what I don't understand is how do you want to solve this problem?

You don't want to divorce or break your wife's heart.

I don't understand why you posted here? To gain support?

I think your problem started at the beginning of your marriage by marrying someone who was not your ideal. That was a big mistake. Did you think her body wasn't going to change?

Has she expressed her desire to change her body? I mean having plastic surgery. I'm someone who's terrified of anesthesia, but I'm honest and I'd like to change a few things about my body and I've been researching lately. I'm not sure if that's a possibility, but maybe it could be an option that's going to benefit both of you. You can ask her if she's interested and go from there.

It's sad for both of you. If I were you I'd try to look into options about losing weight and reshaping the skin. How does she feel about her body? I don't like the idea of giving up and suffering where there could be something you both can do about it.

What do you want to do? What do you think she can do about it?
Just my thoughts, but I honestly think that having surgery is so drastic, and you cant change your body shape. If she is a stocky build then even if she lost a bit of weight its not going to make her look like the 20 year old porn stars.She has also had 4 children, you cant turn back time. She already works out 3 times a week, so she clearly wants to keep fit.
People have died having liposuction and other cosmetic operations. Others have been maimed for life. Does he want to risk that? I would also think that if he asked her she would be very hurt, unstandably.
We all age, even him. He isnt the virile young stud he thinks he was and still thinks he is, we all age, we all get grey hair and go bald and get wrinkles. We all get old and dont look as we did in our 20's even if people do have some cosmetic operations or proceedures. They still age.
 

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Just my thoughts, but I honestly think that having surgery is so drastic, and you cant change your body shape. If she is a stocky build then even if she lost a bit of weight its not going to make her look like the 20 year old porn stars.She has also had 4 children, you cant turn back time. She already works out 3 times a week, so she clearly wants to keep fit.
People have died having liposuction and other cosmetic operations. Others have been maimed for life. Does he want to risk that? I would also think that if he asked her she would be very hurt, unstandably.
We all age, even him. He isnt the virile young stud he thinks he was and still thinks he is, we all age, we all get grey hair and go bald and get wrinkles. We all get old and dont look as we did in our 20's even if people do have some cosmetic operations or proceedures. They still age.
100%

It is so obvious that this isn’t about his wife’s weight.
 

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You sound like you pretty much have it made besides your malfunction in your mind.

I have a couple posts about when Mrs. Conan gained weight. I don't feel like telling the tale again so you can hunt it down if you like.

I don't have to imagine what I would do in your shoes because I did it.

Mrs. Conan couldn't walk straight for nearly two years among other things.

BTW, I'm 49 and I really can draw the attention of younger women. I have a lot of weird stories about women behaving forward with me.

I have also not once considered them. My wife is mine and I pour my romantic love and physical passion into her alone.

That is the promise I made and the vow I took with her.

I choose to love her this way and my mind leads my heart, not vice versa.

Hope the best for you and your wife.

She sounds lovely honestly.
Yes he has a treasure and he can't even see it. Thats what makes me so very sad. I just think of all the men in the world who would give anything to have what he has, and yet he prefers to lie to her and look at porn stars.
 

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Yes he has a treasure and he can't even see it. Thats what makes me so very sad. I just think of all the men in the world who would give anything to have what he has, and yet he prefers to lie to her and look at porn stars.
 

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100%

It is so obvious that this isn’t about his wife’s weight.
My ex hb particularly liked younger women and admitted to me during a rare moment of honesty that it allowed him to pretend that he was younger.

His extreme insecurity and the things that it contributed to wrecked our marriage. He was so insecure that he wore a toupee and also liked to think he looked much younger.

While he was in great shape and did look good, he didn't look all kinds of younger like he thought. The sniffing out younger women was him having trouble getting older.

I suspect that's going on here. While I have no doubt that OP is a good looking guy and looks great for his age, i suspect his insistence that he's somehow in the running with much younder men tells me he's having trouble getting older.

I get it...we all have to come to terms with it. I hope he does so without wrecking his marriage.

I'm 46 and an endurance athlete. I've been told that most 20 somethings have little on me body wise, and while I appreciate the thought I'm under no illusion that I look all kinds of younger. My bf is 55, and while he's careful and in great shape he doesn't look like he's 30 or even 40. And that's ok because he's adorable and I'm crazy about him....and I love his 55 year old body because he makes efforts and I'm crazy about him.
 

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Discussion Starter #68
Yes, it's your problem, but what I don't understand is how do you want to solve this problem?

You don't want to divorce or break your wife's heart.
I don't understand why you posted here? To gain support?
What do you want to do? What do you think she can do about it?
I don't know. This has been bottled up in me for years. It started for me as a need to vent.
I do think this was good for me to see the reactions, putting things into perspective, making me reflect.


This dude is never going to post again lol
Why not? As a scientist, I am used to feedback, also negative feedback. I ignore pointlessly hurtful things, but I am certainly capable of learning and taking into account other options and incorporating new ideas. Like I said, this has been very useful for me.
 

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As I said in my earlier posts, your post has hit a nerve and triggered a variety people.


Many of the men here would crawl naked through broken glass and rusty thumbtacks for a woman that still had some semblance of a sex drive and some attraction and desire for them...... and they wouldn’t care less if that woman had some extra pounds or stretch marks or a belly that just won’t go away despite proper diet and exercise.

In essence, the people here on this site are here due to being in your wife’s position and they are identifying more with your wife rather than being empathetic and supportive of your perspective.
Ok I understand better now.

Just my thoughts, but I honestly think that having surgery is so drastic, and you cant change your body shape. If she is a stocky build then even if she lost a bit of weight its not going to make her look like the 20 year old porn stars.She has also had 4 children, you cant turn back time. She already works out 3 times a week, so she clearly wants to keep fit.
People have died having liposuction and other cosmetic operations. Others have been maimed for life. Does he want to risk that? I would also think that if he asked her she would be very hurt, unstandably.
We all age, even him. He isnt the virile young stud he thinks he was and still thinks he is, we all age, we all get grey hair and go bald and get wrinkles. We all get old and dont look as we did in our 20's even if people do have some cosmetic operations or proceedures. They still age.
Surgery is not an option. I broached the subject some years ago regarding a tummy tuck (and now there is freezing therapy) but the idea is a non-starter by her.
"He" is right here reading your post lol. We all age, of course, and I certainly don't look like I am in my 20s. But I routinely get away with being 35. People are flabbergasted to find out I am almost 50 and have a married child. The funny thing is, my wife actually looks younger too, it's not her age that is the problem, I think I made that clear.

Cognitively I know all these things, cognitively, I know I should be happy with her body.


Yes, it's your problem, but what I don't understand is how do you want to solve this problem?

You don't want to divorce or break your wife's heart.
I don't understand why you posted here? To gain support?
What do you want to do? What do you think she can do about it?
I don't know. This has been bottled up in me for years. It started for me as a need to vent.
But now I do think this was good for me to see the reactions, putting things into perspective, making me reflect. We are all a work in progress, until the day we die.


This dude is never going to post again lol
This "dude" is right here ;).
And why not? As a scientist, I am used to feedback, also negative feedback. I ignore pointlessly hurtful things, but I am certainly capable of learning and taking into account others opinions, and incorporating new ideas. As I said, this has been very useful for me. Also, in many other relationship sides, I have much to contribute. We are all multidimensional.
 

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No woman in her 50s can compete physically with 25 year old porn stars. No 50 year old men can either.
I am a 70+ year old man. I have over 5 decade experience arousing and being aroused by women (especially one woman). A 22 to 25 year old has maybe a decade of such experience. A 25 year old woman porn star probably has just learned about her body, let alone a man's body and what her body is capable of doing to a man's body. She may not have wrinkles, stretch marks, or loose skin, but enthusiasm, confidence and experience count for a lot more, at least in my book. Depending on the relationship and its length, age may equate to experience and learning to "punch your partner's buttons in all the right ways." There is sex and then there is making love.
 

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I have a phobia about weight overall. It seems to come from my Mom dying at the age of 54 having told all six kids that “she will live her life the way she pleases and, if she dies, that is fine.” She was five feet tall and weighed over 300 lbs. My Dad loved her and was always up for sex with her. He lived for another 23 years. He missed her greatly and never remarried.

For what it’s worth, I explained to my wife about my Mom when we started getting serious. She is a trooper. She was a stunner in her 20s and she is a stunner at 62. Just not the type of stunner compared to her 20s. But, I still see her that way.

We have lived a life (38 years) of activity, exercise and calorie counting. We have managed to keep our weight under control. I am 5’8”, 149 and she is 5’2”, 132.

Could you have some underlying phobia to weight in your past?
 

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I am a 70+ year old man. I have over 5 decade experience arousing and being aroused by women (especially one woman). A 22 to 25 year old has maybe a decade of such experience. A 25 year old woman porn star probably has just learned about her body, let alone a man's body and what her body is capable of doing to a man's body. She may not have wrinkles, stretch marks, or loose skin, but enthusiasm, confidence and experience count for a lot more, at least in my book. Depending on the relationship and its length, age may equate to experience and learning to "punch your partner's buttons in all the right ways." There is sex and then there is making love.
Also many porn stars apparently actually hate sex, many were sexually abused, its all acting of course.
 

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People have died having liposuction and other cosmetic operations. Others have been maimed for life. Does he want to risk that?
I was giving him a real option because millions of people around the world get plastic surgery. There are risks involved like any other surgery.

I don't know anyone who has died or had complications from plastic surgery. I'm actually considering having some in the future.

His wife said no to surgery so that's not an option anymore. Oh well! I'm out of options here.
 

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I was giving him a real option because millions of people around the world get plastic surgery. There are risks involved like any other surgery.

I don't know anyone who has died or had complications from plastic surgery. I'm actually considering having some in the future.

His wife said no to surgery so that's not an option anymore. Oh well! I'm out of options here.
The problem is not her weight even though the OP says it is. The problem is she’s not a 20 year old porn star. There is no amount of plastic surgery in the world to be a 20 year old porn star.

Kanye wests mom died from plastic surgery.
 

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A proble

I'll second this, how tall is she and how much does she weigh??
It doesn't matter.

For all we know she may be a knock out and have men drooling all over her wherever she goes.

She may be objectively very good looking to the masses, but for whatever reason he does not find her visually or physically appealing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and he does not behold her beauty.
 

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Do you feel disgust at the sight of your wife's naked body?
No, I don't feel disgust. I even encourage her to not hide her nakedness from me. I know she "could" look better if she was dead set on it, but I wouldn't dare push the issue. I don't want her to feel worse than she already does.

Do you internally cringe?
No, I don't cringe at all. I am still attracted to her, even though she has gained weight. I do wish she had the self motivation and stick-to-itiveness to make a diet work. I know it's not easy for most people, though. Personally, I've lost about 15 to 20 pounds just with will alone. I guess it's just harder for women.

This OP does.
Honestly, that is pretty shallow of him. The grass is rarely greener on the other side. His lack of attraction to her is on him, not her. That's really sad.
 
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