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This is more of a vent, a blog type post, than a question. Because there is nothing I can do about it,

Been married for over 25 years. We care about each other, love each other. DW is a great wife, she will worry about me and I about her.
People always point to us as having a great marriage. We do. We like spending time together, going out etc. And now 3 outta 4 kids are out of the house. Almost empty nesters and we are enjoying it.

Neither of us has ever cheated, I can guarantee this. Moreover, we have never even had other partners, we married young and both come from a religion that does not accept pre-marital sex. Also, she loves sex. DW is HD, I mean really HD.

My problem (shared by many, this is nothing unique or special, except for me) is, that for years, decades even, I don't like her body. I avoid looking at her naked, and will always prefer the room pretty dark during sex. She is fat, not really obese, simply a very stocky woman. Her shoulders and arms are thicker than mine, and she has a large belly. I can't even be angry about that - she gave me 4 children, 2 of them over 10 lb(!). It was our babies that killed her body. And, she works out like 3x a week. For years. She tries. And I am very careful to only very rarely comment on this. I compliment her on her being healthy, on her motivation etc. I try to always compliment her on her looks when she dresses well etc. She always looks very presentable and I am never embarrassed to be with her.
I'll mention, that I am tall and very good looking, with an athletic build. Most people take 10 years off my age before they know me.

Yet, the bottom line is that I very rarely look forward to sex. Mostly I am really just doing it for her. I am even relieved when she gets her period and I "get a break'. To make it clear, I usually do orgasm - so I don't suffer, and once we start, I am game. But over the past year, the "usually" is getting less frequent. I blame it on tiredness. But I will still service her HD. Now, in all other aspects, our communication is good, but I simply can't tell her this. This will also break her heart, and she has enough pressure as it is (her job).

What I DO do to "make it up to myself", is watch some porn. I would say a few times a week, secretly, and masturbate. She has no idea and would consider this cheating and would be very insulted. She would actually be horrified at the idea of me watching porn. I do feel some guilt about this, and it makes me feel bad.
So, I am not LD in general, I am LD for my DW.

Another problem is that I work in a setting with a constant flow of younger people. Including some very attractive and "hot" females. With whom I need to intermittently work closely with for sometimes hours at a time. Every so often when I meet someone who I am very attracted to, I can't stop thinking about her.
So as not to lose my job, I am scrupulous in never making inappropriate comments or any "moves". I just keep it inside. And I do my darndest to keep my eyes up high.

I once considered looking for an affair, someone like me but the opposite. Meaning a good looking woman married to a non-attractive man, who is also not interested in a divorce. But I would not know how to find someone like this, and my wife will almost certainly catch me, and I would break her heart. My life is too structured to have the time and the opportunity to cheat. And mostly, I don't have the heart to do this to her, the idea is mostly a fantasy. Because I really do love her.

So, I am kinda locked in. Divorce would be silly, as I won't find a better wife. My kids, even my older married ones, would be devastated. And just for a better body, it does not seem worth it. Also, nearing 50, it's not as though there is a line of "hot" woman out there waiting for me. And even were I to find someone in her 30s willing to marry me, she would want children - I am done with that.

So on the one hand, I have a great life, a happy life.
I just wish I had someone I would love having sex with.

I am resigned to sacrificing this part of my life, for her.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far, I just needed to get this secret off my chest.
 

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This just makes me want to to cry for your poor wife. You claim that you have felt this way for decades, yet you have only been married for 25 years, so presumably you felt this way when you married or shortly after.
You do realise that the porn and ogling other women will only make it far worse dont you? You comparing your poor wife to these other much younger often surgically enhanced women will only make this worse, so stop that. Its also cheating, especially if you are religious.
Honestly you dont deserve such a lovely wife who actually wants to have sex with you, works out and is a good wife and mum. She cannot help haing a stocky build, many people are stocky, its how they are and exercise wont chage that.

Oh and BTW, you claiming that you are 'very good looking' and that people think you are '10 years younger than your age' is not only completely irrelevant but almost certainly just in your mind. So many very average looking men claim the same, they are mostly deluding themselves.

Sorry, I know you are being honest, but the porn etc will just feed this sad situation. I remember a man saying that once he stopped staring at other women and comparing his wife to them, his wife became much more attractive to him.
To be honest your wife deserves better than a husband who sees her this way and who constantly deceives her when he watches porn and lusts over other women. Not sure if you are a Christian or Jewish( I noticed the israeli flag), but if you are you KNOW these things are very wrong and forbidden.
Comparing our spouse to others in anyway is deadly for a marriage.
 

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If you are having some issues with attraction to your wife and you've been married for 25 years and you're dead set on not giving up the porn, the category you should be looking for is "mature bbw". You should also stop being a creepy old guy and checking out the young women. They probably don't appreciate it as much as you think they do.

Love the one you're with.

I don't have much really to add since the issue is so alien to my mindset. It would have never occurred to me to not find my wife attractive or to turn off the light when she was taking her clothes off. A willing wife would have me getting out towels during that time of the month to protect the sheets or approaching her in the shower.
 

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And at 50 some of the lack of orgasm can be attributed to age. But hey I'm sure it's your wife's fault that you are old, use porn and ogle younger women. If only she were a model or something.

You say you don't want to divorce but you aren't being fair to your wife. She deserves someone who actually wants her.
 

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I don't have anything nice to say, so I'll not say it. I really want to though. I'm reigning it in.

I will express I feel badly for your wife, she has a husband who isn't into her sexually and looks at porn because he thinks he deserves it because he's stuck with such an unattractive woman. Yuck. She's living a lie and doesn't even know it and that's truly terrible.
 

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Sounds like this is your problem. I'm sorry for your W. You may want to step back and count the blessing your W has provided. How would you feel if your W felt that you are the best man out there with everything but your W HD is not being satisfied by an aging man who's erection may or may not appear. Your W thinking about younger men that can satisfy her HD. How is that working for you?
 

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You made a mistake in marrying her, and perpetuated the mistake by staying. What is the right thing to do, even if it causes pain and hardship?
 
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I can identify somewhat with OP. My wife has become fat (obese) and I also don't like looking at her naked. She tries to watch her diet and occasionally does exercise, but still.
And, I'm not a good nag. But there are mitigating factors that keep me attracted to her. she still has a beautiful face, and that is my number one thing. And her skin is creamy and beautiful.

So what? My philosophy is "suck it up buttercup!". She is my wife and I do love her, so I make sure we make love at least once a week. She is also HD.

You gotta take the good with the bad. You get married for life. See in her what is beautiful and look past the rest. That's all I can say.
 

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The porn will make it worse. Stop the porn and masterbation.
Is she doing cardio or something to build muscle on torso/belly. Lean muscle burns fat at higher rate that bulk muscle.

I recommend the 6 week body makeover. You eat a bunch of food but it gives you crazy energy and drops weight. I was eating 5x a day. I was never so sick of food. It alao gives you body diagrams of yourself now and what you want to get to. It then gives you the exercises with resistance bands to reach the body you want. Those surgical bands will kick you butt.

I can just speak for myself. My wife when we married was smoking hot.. she was 5'04" brunette with blue eyes. When she was carrying my sons she got much larger. Belly wise...had alot of amniotic fluid...Dr thought baby was going to be 12-13 lbs. Im 6'05" 250lbs at the time.

I could not keep my hands off her! Of course we had to negotiate positions. But the emotional connection that i had to her knowing she was carrying my child was crazy strong.

When i see the extra weight she has now and the stretch marks it brings me to the memory of why she is that way now. Still cant keep my hands off her. No she is not the size 1 she was when we met, but i am turned on by her sacrificing her body to carry my children. That reinforces my bond/attraction to her.

Can you get into that mindset? Did you feel that way when she was carrying your children?
 

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This is more of a vent, a blog type post, than a question. Because there is nothing I can do about it,

Been married for over 25 years. We care about each other, love each other. DW is a great wife, she will worry about me and I about her.
People always point to us as having a great marriage. We do. We like spending time together, going out etc. And now 3 outta 4 kids are out of the house. Almost empty nesters and we are enjoying it.

Neither of us has ever cheated, I can guarantee this. Moreover, we have never even had other partners, we married young and both come from a religion that does not accept pre-marital sex. Also, she loves sex. DW is HD, I mean really HD.

My problem (shared by many, this is nothing unique or special, except for me) is, that for years, decades even, I don't like her body. I avoid looking at her naked, and will always prefer the room pretty dark during sex. She is fat, not really obese, simply a very stocky woman. Her shoulders and arms are thicker than mine, and she has a large belly. I can't even be angry about that - she gave me 4 children, 2 of them over 10 lb(!). It was our babies that killed her body. And, she works out like 3x a week. For years. She tries. And I am very careful to only very rarely comment on this. I compliment her on her being healthy, on her motivation etc. I try to always compliment her on her looks when she dresses well etc. She always looks very presentable and I am never embarrassed to be with her.
I'll mention, that I am tall and very good looking, with an athletic build. Most people take 10 years off my age before they know me.

Yet, the bottom line is that I very rarely look forward to sex. Mostly I am really just doing it for her. I am even relieved when she gets her period and I "get a break'. To make it clear, I usually do orgasm - so I don't suffer, and once we start, I am game. But over the past year, the "usually" is getting less frequent. I blame it on tiredness. But I will still service her HD. Now, in all other aspects, our communication is good, but I simply can't tell her this. This will also break her heart, and she has enough pressure as it is (her job).

What I DO do to "make it up to myself", is watch some porn. I would say a few times a week, secretly, and masturbate. She has no idea and would consider this cheating and would be very insulted. She would actually be horrified at the idea of me watching porn. I do feel some guilt about this, and it makes me feel bad.
So, I am not LD in general, I am LD for my DW.

Another problem is that I work in a setting with a constant flow of younger people. Including some very attractive and "hot" females. With whom I need to intermittently work closely with for sometimes hours at a time. Every so often when I meet someone who I am very attracted to, I can't stop thinking about her.
So as not to lose my job, I am scrupulous in never making inappropriate comments or any "moves". I just keep it inside. And I do my darndest to keep my eyes up high.

I once considered looking for an affair, someone like me but the opposite. Meaning a good looking woman married to a non-attractive man, who is also not interested in a divorce. But I would not know how to find someone like this, and my wife will almost certainly catch me, and I would break her heart. My life is too structured to have the time and the opportunity to cheat. And mostly, I don't have the heart to do this to her, the idea is mostly a fantasy. Because I really do love her.

So, I am kinda locked in. Divorce would be silly, as I won't find a better wife. My kids, even my older married ones, would be devastated. And just for a better body, it does not seem worth it. Also, nearing 50, it's not as though there is a line of "hot" woman out there waiting for me. And even were I to find someone in her 30s willing to marry me, she would want children - I am done with that.

So on the one hand, I have a great life, a happy life.
I just wish I had someone I would love having sex with.

I am resigned to sacrificing this part of my life, for her.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far, I just needed to get this secret off my chest.
You feel how you feel and are honest with yourself. Cheating is not the answer you would lose self respect if you did cheat and potentially deeply hurt your wife if she were to find out not to mention possibly infecting your with wife a STD. Masturbation is helpful but don't get addicted to the porn. Things are how they are ,keep the lights off and make soul making love with her ,love her soul not her body . IFY I'm a in shape older woman ,my husband is not in shape...so I can relate a bit but I would never cheat . It is very hard for women over age 45 to keep the weight off ...perimenopausal weight gain is a real issue ,unless she had an exercise regimen her whole life menopausal weight gain will be worse for her . She birthed and raised 4 children and works ,not much time for fitness classes for her. Try taking her on easy hikes or walks, it would do you both good ...mentally and physically . Be thankful she loves sex many older women become unattractive , critical ,sexless harpies .Stop mooning over the 20- 30 yr olds they would love your wallet not you ,your wife loves you warts and all .Best to both of you . Remember she sacrifices for you too ,you just don't realize it ...don't let your little head tell you otherwise ;).
 

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buttugly;

that's a good point. marital love making is not purely just about looks, but about just that: love making. it's not just fireworks and mind blowing sex;
it's much more than that and should be seen as an emotional and physical union that we owe to each other. too much hollywood has given us a distorted view of marital sex.
 

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OP, a lot of men in your position severely overestimate just how attractive they really are. I do not say to insult you...i say this because this mind set often causes one to apply unreasonable standards to their partner.

And the porn doesn't help. If you want to keep this marriage you have to get off the porn.....it's altering your brain chemistry and your wife can't compete with that.

I can almost guarantee that these hot young women don't think you're as great as you think you are.....they think you're an old dude who might "look good for his age".

Once you get off the porn and take a good hard look at yourself you might be more appreciative of your wife.

And make no mistake.....there are plenty of men out there who would bang her silly. Be careful or she may find one.
 

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Do you think you're masturbating because you're bored and looking for a way to kill the boredom, or because you're horny and are looking for novelty? I read somewhere that when we watch porn, our brains are unable to tell the difference between watching and having sex with the person on the screen. The reaction in the brain is the same as having a new sex partner, perhaps contributing to the Coolidge effect (in which long-term mates lose interest in each other but are interested when a novel sexual partner is available). So, your brain is looking for novelty and gets it from porn. Your wife doesn't really have any way of being novel to you, and therefore can't compete with the porn. It's not necessarily that she's overweight - it's that she's the same woman that you've been sleeping with for a very long time. These are two completely different issues.

You sound like you want to get the ship sailing right again. I think that anything that is not bringing you closer together has the potential at least to be taking you further apart. "Me time" may seem innocuous, but if it's like eating a snack and then not being hungry when it's time for dinner then it may be contributing to the problem. I'm a snacker. I snack on junk and then am not always interested in whatever's served for dinner. I sit at the table and eat a little, because I enjoy spending time with the wife and kids - but, the food isn't why I'm there. Then, about 10 o'clock I'm hungry again - but dinner isn't what I reach for. It's another snack, because those trigger the reward centers in my brain. Of course it's unhealthy. Of course I know the answer is not to snack. Yet, here I am overweight and paying the price.

You have the opportunity to fix the problem now. Another answer is to snack on healthy food. I'd suggest at least try cutting out the porn and masturbation and see if you're more interested in sex with her more often. Get in the mindset that she's your only sexual outlet, and put some effort into seducing her. It's possible that you can bring the novelty to the table by taking her out on dates (or at least an isolated walk in these COVID times).

Good luck and best to you both

A link explaining the Coolidge effect hypothesis: Relationships: The Coolidge Effect and seeking novelty | Reward Foundation
 

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You made a mistake in marrying her, and perpetuated the mistake by staying. What is the right thing to do, even if it causes pain and hardship?
The right thing to do is for the OP to open his eyes and see exactly what he has in his wife, and put the time that he's investing in porn (yuck) into his wife and marriage.

Divorce over this is ridiculous. We've become immune to divorce but it's effects are devastating and lifelong.

I'm so heartbroken for your wife OP. You have a long marriage and family with your loving, devoted wife, who loves you and wants to have sex with you all the time. Do you have any idea how lucky you are?
 

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It would have never occurred to me to not find my wife attractive or to turn off the light when she was taking her clothes off. A willing wife would have me getting out towels during that time of the month to protect the sheets or approaching her in the shower.
I was about to say that I’m a hot wife and a good one (I think, and my mother said I am so it must be true), and still got cheated on and he cheated down, so men just can’t be pleased!

And then I read this and awwww. My little hope flame is renewed. Best answer ever.
 

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.....Been married for over 25 years. We care about each other, love each other. DW is a great wife, she will worry about me and I about her.
People always point to us as having a great marriage. We do. We like spending time together, going out etc. And now 3 outta 4 kids are out of the house. Almost empty nesters and we are enjoying it.

Neither of us has ever cheated, I can guarantee this. Moreover, we have never even had other partners, we married young and both come from a religion that does not accept pre-marital sex. Also, she loves sex. DW is HD, I mean really HD.

My problem (shared by many, this is nothing unique or special, except for me) is, that for years, decades even, I don't like her body. I avoid looking at her naked, and will always prefer the room pretty dark during sex. She is fat, not really obese, simply a very stocky woman. Her shoulders and arms are thicker than mine, and she has a large belly. I can't even be angry about that - she gave me 4 children, 2 of them over 10 lb(!). It was our babies that killed her body.

......What I DO do to "make it up to myself", is watch some porn. I would say a few times a week, secretly, and masturbate. She has no idea and would consider this cheating and would be very insulted. She would actually be horrified at the idea of me watching porn. I do feel some guilt about this, and it makes me feel bad.

......So, I am kinda locked in. Divorce would be silly, as I won't find a better wife. My kids, even my older married ones, would be devastated. And just for a better body, it does not seem worth it. Also, nearing 50, it's not as though there is a line of "hot" woman out there waiting for me. And even were I to find someone in her 30s willing to marry me, she would want children - I am done with that.

.....So on the one hand, I have a great life, a happy life.
I just wish I had someone I would love having sex with.

...I am resigned to sacrificing this part of my life, for her.
A few thoughts. Fist as you are well aware cheating will not improve the situation.
As you also know you really want to remain married to this woman, sort of.

From my perspective the problem is yours more than it is hers. Don't expect to change her, change yourself is my advice.

I would first count your blessings. Being married to an HD woman is a blessing. Being married to a woman you respect, who you love and built a life together is special.

So why don't you start by forgiving her for being overweight. I mean really forgive her. Figure out what that bothers you so much. Take a look at historic paintings by Peter Paul Rubens. Rrubenesque women were very full bodied women. Watch Sir Mix A Lot's Baby Got Back video. The current fashion model level of skinny women shown in advertising is not how most real women look. In the USA over 2/3rds of the adult population is either overweight or obese. Actually the numbers run about 40% obese. You need to change your image of what beauty looks like.

Work on making yourself feel that your wife is an attractive woman. Affirmations and self hypnosis are ways to work on changing your views. Tell yourself how beautiful she is, how lucky you are to have a loving HD woman like her, how she has always been the best sex of your life. If you masturbate think about your wife and how much you love and need her emotionally when you do it. Make it about the two of you. Then bring her into the picture.

If you just can't get past the size of her arms or stomach, then find other features you just absolutely love about her and enjoy looking at. Maybe it is her eyes, her hair, her lips, her breasts, her pubic hair, feet.......just find something that you enjoy to look at and think about. Focus on that instead of her body parts you don't like.

My other advice is that since you are almost an empty nester, talk to her and tell her how much you love her and how when your last child leaves the nest there will be lots of change in both your lives. Tell her you are scared of that change and want to go to marriage counseling because you don't want that change to disrupt your marriage to her. Refer to it as a marriage tune-up prior to a new adventurous trip of change and growth.

Since you and your wife have been married a long time, you probably know each other very well. You can probably finish each others sentences. You and she probably know from facial expressions, tone of voice, body language what each other thinks, even if it is not said. She probably knows you don't find her attractive and that probably eats at her soul in ways you can not imagine. That is why you really need to work on changing yourself and your view of her and exploring a new definition of "beauty."

Your glass is more than half full, enjoy it.

Good luck.

.
 

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Were you attracted to her physically when you started dating? I couldn't date someone I'm not physically attracted to...
 

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A few thoughts. Fist as you are well aware cheating will not improve the situation.
As you also know you really want to remain married to this woman, sort of.

From my perspective the problem is yours more than it is hers. Don't expect to change her, change yourself is my advice.

I would first count your blessings. Being married to an HD woman is a blessing. Being married to a woman you respect, who you love and built a life together is special.

So why don't you start by forgiving her for being overweight. I mean really forgive her. Figure out what that bothers you so much. Take a look at historic paintings by Peter Paul Rubens. Rrubenesque women were very full bodied women. Watch Sir Mix A Lot's Baby Got Back video. The current fashion model level of skinny women shown in advertising is not how most real women look. In the USA over 2/3rds of the adult population is either overweight or obese. Actually the numbers run about 40% obese. You need to change your image of what beauty looks like.

Work on making yourself feel that your wife is an attractive woman. Affirmations and self hypnosis are ways to work on changing your views. Tell yourself how beautiful she is, how lucky you are to have a loving HD woman like her, how she has always been the best sex of your life. If you masturbate think about your wife and how much you love and need her emotionally when you do it. Make it about the two of you. Then bring her into the picture.

If you just can't get past the size of her arms or stomach, then find other features you just absolutely love about her and enjoy looking at. Maybe it is her eyes, her hair, her lips, her breasts, her pubic hair, feet.......just find something that you enjoy to look at and think about. Focus on that instead of her body parts you don't like.

My other advice is that since you are almost an empty nester, talk to her and tell her how much you love her and how when your last child leaves the nest there will be lots of change in both your lives. Tell her you are scared of that change and want to go to marriage counseling because you don't want that change to disrupt your marriage to her. Refer to it as a marriage tune-up prior to a new adventurous trip of change and growth.

Since you and your wife have been married a long time, you probably know each other very well. You can probably finish each others sentences. You and she probably know from facial expressions, tone of voice, body language what each other thinks, even if it is not said. She probably knows you don't find her attractive and that probably eats at her soul in ways you can not imagine. That is why you really need to work on changing yourself and your view of her and exploring a new definition of "beauty."

Your glass is more than half full, enjoy it.

Good luck.

.
His glass is 99% full. yet he only sees the 1%, how sad.
 

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How hypocritical that you say you love her - then in the next paragraph you heavily criticize her. That’s not loving. Neither is the porn - especially since it’s against what you both believe in.

So really, it’s you who is totally betraying your wife and the marriage.

get some help to find a better mindset about your wife and the porn. This is on you - not your wife.

the porn will kill your sex drive for your wife - but you already knew that.

makes me really wonder if you want porn over your wife to punish her? That’s what it seems like.

is your wife controlling?

I also agree, most men your age think they are very attractive - yet they aren’t at all.
Attractive is a person who is genuine and authentic - and that’s not you because you aren’t living an honest life. You’re deceiving your wife in more than one area of your marriage. Work on yourself. Get professional help if needed. You say you can’t do anything about it - yes, you can. Change your attitude and quit the porn and lies.
 

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Also, she loves sex. DW is HD, I mean really HD.
From what I'm reading, for whatever reason, you are not properly taking care of your wife. Face it my man, its a failure on your part and its not likely to get any better. Have you ever thought about, or talked to her about having another male provide her with the sex she desires but you're no longer able to provide. There are any number of men that desire full figured women so finding a suitable male would not be difficult. I don't know what type financial position you're in but a male escort would be ideal. It would avoid amateurs who would likely disappoint her ,almost any possibility to things going beyond your intent of only providing her with sex, and accordingly be a lot cleaner approach. You want her first to be a wonderful experience for you and her. I don't know how unattracted you are to her, but you could even hold her while she's being satisfied. I've had men tell me, many many moons ago mind you, there is no porn that even comes close to watching your own lady. It's something you need to consider and may work it so you can do a little exploring with her permission. If you two love each other as much as you elude, it can be a very positive thing for your relationship and rewarding for both of you. If she means as much to you as you claim, she deserves an alternative for her sexual desires that you're unable to fulfill. Try talking to her about it and see what she thinks. Tell her it always been a fantasy to watch her experience sex with another guy.
 
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